If you were me, then there are certain questions you should be asking yourself. Important questions that should be pondered, weighted, and considered. Questions like “Why am I in Michelle’s head asking questions?” or “When is she going to run out of blog post ideas? Isn’t this getting ridiculous?”
Anyway, if you find a secret door, like the one in Being John Malkovich, but the door leads to my brain and not John Malkovich’s brain, then here are the questions you should ask yourself:
Will I ever be able to eat a salad without getting salad in my hair? Probably not, but you keep trying. You never know.
Why won’t I learn how to use goddamn Scrivener and work on my stupid book idea?
If I chop jalapenos for chili, how many times will I rub my eyes before remembering that eye rubbing equals “face on fire” level pain? The answer is three. Three times.
Will I believe Randy when he says washing my hands in Dawn will remove all jalapeno oil from my hands? Yes.
Will I test Randy’s theory by rubbing my eyes immediately after washing my hands with Dawn? Yes.
Did Dawn dish washing liquid effectively remove jalapeno oil from my hands? No.
Could I at least try not mourning on a Sunday night? I don’t know. Maybe, Monday won’t suck. Yes. It. Will.
Wonder what Adam Ant is doing right this second?
Will I actually allow myself get drawn into a “bean water” versus “bean goo” debate?
Am I surprised that the answer to question 9 is “yes”?
How can I possibly convince another human that water, by very nature, is splashy and not goopy? That’s like saying turkey gravy and water are the same thing and you tell me how happy people will be at Thanksgiving if you dump water on their potatoes.
Wouldn’t one consider a person who continues to insist that canned beans are in water and not goo to be willfully ignorant?
I mean, really, isn’t that some “alternate fact” shit right there?
Or am I taking this “bean goo” thing too far?
Will good win over evil? Please oh please oh please oh please
If someone at work asks me what I made for dinner last night and I say “chicken kiev” am I obligated to disclose that the chicken kiev was prepackaged grocery store brand chicken kiev? I did have to bake it, so there’s that.
If I could time travel, would I use it for reasons other than stopping myself from burning my forehead all those times with a curling iron?
Should I be afraid of the increase in the number of times a certain word escapes me? Honestly, that isn’t as troubling as the number of times I am asking myself “Did I take a shower already? I showered, right?”
Why did anyone think purple ketchup was a good idea?
Shouldn’t there be an international “Alan Rickman” day?
Do I have an outfit to wear to work tomorrow?
Do I think it’s a good idea to put that outfit thing off until 5 minutes before I have to walk out the door?
You’re going to wait until 5 minutes before you have to walk out the door, aren’t you?
Do I even remember what my dreams are? Not the scary green water dream. Dreams about what I want to be when I grow up.
Did I remember to clean out the litter box?
Can I try to make it through work tomorrow without breaking out in flop sweat even once?
Can I try to even think about work without flop sweat?
Can I try to be a little more patient with the other humans tomorrow?
Have I considered getting through one whole day without rolling my eyes? Although, I’m kind of afraid that will fuck with the tides.
Am I avoiding going back to the eye doctor because I enjoy not seeing anything?
When was the last time I had a massage?
Isn’t it time to get a massage? Either that or I should give the knots in my neck names. Billie Jo says hi.
Why would I name a knot in my neck “Billie Jo” ?
Why not “Ola” or “Brunhilda”?
Aren’t those names more suited for neck knots?
You know this is why people call you weird, right?
How many more years before I can just stop shaving my legs?
If I am honest, the only thing you should ask yourself if you find yourself in my head is this: Can what you are doing right now cut you or burn you? If the answer is yes, then just walk away, man. Just walk away.