1. Fuck, he’s laying on his back.
2. He didn’t put his CPAP mask on? I’m gonna have to wake him up.
3. At least I get to watch Doctor Who
4. He hates Doctor Who.
5. I should wake him up. If he watched this episode he would love it.
6. Holy hell, Twitchy McTwitchAlot is active tonight.
7. How the fuck can he snore with that mask on?
8. I should get up and wash the dishes.
9. Nah, he’ll break first.
10. I should stop living out of clothes baskets. I’m a goddamn grownup.
11. HAHAHAHA. No I’m not.
12. He used to make my breakfast every morning.
13. I’m surprised that last twitch didn’t break his femur.
14. Which bone is the femur? The thigh bone, right?
15. I should wake him up and ask him if it’s the thigh bone.
16. He would probably get annoyed if I woke him up for that. Like the night I woke him up to ask him if he’d still have sex with me if I looked like William H Macy.
17. I thought it was more funny than he did.
18. How I look shouldn’t matter. What if I DID wake up tomorrow looking like William H Macy. I don’t think he took that question seriously enough.
19. I should ask him again.
20. He threatened me with butt stuff the last time I did that.
21. Like that would happen.
22. He’s all talk.
23. If it weren’t for me, he would be a hoarder.
24. I ruined his chance at being on a reality show.
25. I should call in sick tomorrow.
26. Damn, the walls are dusty. I should dust. It looks like dryer lint in the corner.
27. I should go on Pinterest and see what I can do with our dryer lint collection.
28. Ohhh…fire starters. I can make fire starters.
29. I haven’t read Fire Starter in years.
3o. I should wake up Randy and ask him if he’s read Fire Starter.
31. Doctor Who is better the second time around. I’m totally crushing on Rory.
32. I wonder if Randy would protect me for 2000 years like Rory did Amy.
33. I should wake Randy up and ask him.
34. Hey, I should wear those shoes I bought a few months ago to work tomorrow.
35. Except I’m calling in sick, so I won’t need shoes.
36. Shoes? Where we’re going, we don’t need shoes.
37. I should wake Randy up and see if he gets the Doc Brown reference.
38. I can’t call in sick tomorrow. I have too much to do.
39. Randy is just being stubborn about Doctor Who. He wouldn’t twitch so much if he were more open minded.
40. I think I got a bad batch of Ambien.
41. Seriously, I shouldn’t still be awake.
42. I really wish I didn’t know the plot of The Human Centipede. It disturbs me. Every goddamn time I see a reference, it freaks me out.
43. What the fuck is wrong with people, anyway? That is so gross. Why did I listen to Zach when he told met he plot?
44. Fucking hell, that was two years ago. It’s time to stop being upset over it.
45. I want a kitten.
46. I wonder if Randy would go get me a glass of water if I woke him up?
47. If I drink this water I will have to get up 28 times to go pee.
48. I wonder if I have cancer?
49. Is the front door locked? Should I wake Randy up and see if he locked the front door? Did Joey take out the garbage?
50. These questions and many others will be answered on the next episode of Soap.
Okay, that might account for the first 20 minutes or so after Randy falls asleep. I can’t write anymore, though. The ambien is kicking in. And I still have to get Randy to put his CPAP mask on.
Hahaha! Love this. I do the same thing. And I find it hilarious that your husband also uses butt stuff as a threat. Mine made the mistake of asking me once what I thought about while I tried for hours to fall asleep. He was horrified.
Hahhaha! Yeah..Randy is never shocked by my thoughts. He’s been hearing them for too many years to be disturbed by them.
This is AMAZING.
Bad batch of ambien, indeed. I laughed out loud at several of these.
YAY! I love it when people laugh out loud.
Ha ha ha, my brain is always full of stupid stuff when I’m trying to get to sleep, but not quite on that level. Funnily enough I’ve been watching Soap again on youtube, it’s still hilarious!
I fucking LOVE that show…it’s hilarious…
My brain is typically full of this stream of consciousness BS (it isn’t as if I’m going to get up & DO anything about ’em) but I generally keep my big fat mouth SHUT to avoid alarming Hubby…
Every damn night when I brush my teeth, I contemplate how far behind that day’s water consumption I am & guzzle a cup knowing full well (ha ha) that my bladder will wake me up in 3 or 4 hrs… I never seem to learn!
HAHAH…I know. I do the same damn thing.
It’s too bad he’s not on a reality show… He’d be great.
Edited to add: This is not actually a comment from me. When my blog gets sick and Randy can’t figure it out, then we bring Justin in. Look at the footer of my blog. No Coward is Justin and he is awesome. Seriously, I owe him a real debt of gratitude. Anyway, he was on my blog today and made this comment when he was signed in, so it showed up as me.
I guess it’s not really an endorsement to talk about how great he is on an actual mistake he made, but I don’t care….cause it’s funny.
We all make mistakes, don’t we? I forget myself sometimes when I work on your site because I get caught up in reading your articles – so it’s your fault!
Well…I guess with a compliment like that, I will graciously accept the blame.
I LOVE THE WAY YOUR MIND WORKS.
It’s exactly the kind of rabbit trails I hear in my head, all. the. time.
Love it!
Thank you, that is actually comforting to me. We’re either normal, or I’m not alone in being crazy.
Do you really want a kitten?
Yes. Yes I do.
Well I’m all out of kittens right now, but here are three smiley mouse lemurs…
https://i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/8139779584/h5F09DF7D/
Okay….they are freaking adorable.
“Like the night I woke him up to ask him if he’d still have sex with me if I looked like William H Macy.”
I seriously almost choked on my own saliva after reading this.
hahaah. He was NOT amused. And I had a serious question about it. What are the same sex marriage laws when it comes to gender reassignment? I mean, what if I got a gender reassignment and had cosmetic surgery to look like William H Macy..would my marriage to my husband still be valid? And I’m pretty sure it’s when I asked him that, that he threatened me with butt stuff.
WHY? WHY WITH THE BUTT STUFF?!
ALWAYS with the butt stuff.
What with the chicken…always with the fucking chicken.
You were doing a Little Miss Sunshine reference, right?
What is it with husbands and snoring? You think they would invent something that took care of that…something less violent and more effective than smushing a pillow over their face and screaming at them to shut the fuck up and let me sleep! Not that I would know anything about that.
His CPAP really does make it better…unless he’s flat on his back…
This made me happy and I totally got the Doc Brown reference for what that matters.
I feel like sharing this with the Boyfran and letting him know I’ll be taking a page from your book.
Well…I am so glad that SOMEBODY got my Doc Brown reference! You could share it..but if it freaks him out. that’s on you. I waited at least a decade before letting Randy know how completely bonkers I am.
That might be a lie.
I can’t ever sleep when my husband falls asleep before me and my mind goes crazy. I usually end up leaving the room.
I would never sleep then as I almost always fall asleep after him..