This isn’t a real guide, you guys. Not really. I mean, I do have some advice, but it’s so basic that it will probably be something you’ve known forever, like don’t drink sloe gin or don’t tell a three year old a secret.
I don’t want to brag or anything, but I have managed to go 54 years without learning the basic “do it yourself” skills one needs to do normal adult things.
This is kind of a bummer because we’ve turned our vague idea of fixing up the house and selling it to actually fixing up the house in order to sell it.
Randy and I were both life long renters. This house is the first house either of us owned. We’ve been here 
9 years.
You guys, we spent our whole lives living in dwellings where if something broke, you called the maintenance dude and he fixes it.
There is no maintenance dude.
Mostly, if something breaks, it stays broken. Four years ago, when the central air unit started making a noise like a dying baby dinosaur, Randy and I looked at each other and said “I guess we don’t have central air anymore.”
Now, we have to fix things.
We did get the central air fixed which I appreciate more than I can say. There’s also a large hole in the garage wall from when I misjudged slightly while pulling my car in. Various places don’t light up anymore and at least one bathroom vent screeches like a banshee. On the plus side, we have managed to be grown up enough to get a new roof on our house. Yay. Okay, it’s not actually on the house yet, but it’s definitely going on. I’m pretty sure of that.
We also have to spruce the house up.
By spruce it up, I mean we have to paint every goddamn room in the house.
We’re not painters. Neither of us have the finest of fine motor skills. When it comes to painting, my manual dexterity is preferable to Randy’s. Pretty sure if he did any painting his method would be much like a chimpanzee throwing his own poo.
I’m never going to be done painting. In fact, it’s possible I’ve died and gone to hell and my punishment is painting this house forever. Because forever is how goddamn long it’s taking to get this shit done. And do you know how much longer painting takes when you suck at painting?
I have learned a few things. Mostly, my recent painting experiences are cautionary tales.
If you have to paint a whole room, paint the baseboards last. Paint the ceiling first. Then, cut in the walls, roll the walls, and then paint the baseboards. Not the other way around. I only had to learn this lesson one time.
That’s not completely true. I did learn painting the baseboards first was kind of dumb after painting a bathroom. Then, I painted our bedroom. I did the ceiling first, then I cut in the walls. I decided that since I had cut in around the baseboards, that it would be safe to go ahead and get them done before rolling the walls. I was wrong. Just paint the baseboards last.
I also learned if you don’t have enough tarps to cover the whole floor and you just drag the tarp, then it’s super super important to remember when you put a full and open can of ceiling paint on the tarp. It’s especially important to remember that before yanking on the tarp to move it across the room.
If you do happen to dump an entire can of ceiling paint on your ceramic tile floor, the first thing you should do is go ahead and let that clammy cold sweat break out all over. Then, start screaming for rags, paper towels, and maybe a blowtorch. It doesn’t seem possible to sop up a gallon of paint, but trust me, you can. Also, if you spill paint, spilling it on ceramic tile isn’t too bad. Even the dried shit was super easy to pick off the floor. Except for the grout. I’m not sure what I’m going to do about the grout. I don’t fucking want to think about the grout right now.
So far, I have a bathroom, a bedroom, and a family room completely painted. I painted the kitchen and living room baseboards because I wasn’t going to paint those rooms. Then, we started reading about what to do to get a house ready for sale and they need fresh paint. Fresh, neutral paint. Not bright red. Not yellow and blue. So, those walls have to get painted as well.
As bad as I am at home improvement, my mother and both of my sisters are fucking rock stars at this shit. My mom and Baby Sister came over on a Saturday and rolled my entire living room and hallway. The ceilings are too high for us to cut in the top of the walls or paint the ceiling, so I’ll hire someone for that, but they kicked the shit out of the rest of it. Here’s my bit of real advice. This is for my brothers and sisters who are as unskilled in basic DIY skills as I am:
My mother, who is like a gunslinger with a paint brush, told me that no matter who is working on a project like this, there are always repairs to be made. I beat myself up over every paint drip and jagged edge. My mom, who is like Martha Stewart, except more pleasant, told me that she always has to touch up when she paints. She told me to stop sweating over little mistakes. They can be fixed.
And she was right. I don’t have to be perfect at this. I can fuck up and then fix the fuck up.
Also, if you get paint on a switch cover, switch covers are cheap. Just buy new ones.
One last thing: Buy the expensive paint. The paint which claims to cover in one coat. It totally does. I went from deep red to a pale green/gray/blue color without any primer. When I say “I”, I mean my mom and my sister did most of that work.
I’m still a little raw over the paint spill. That was fucking horrible.
Photo courtesy of ugglemamma.
That is hilarious. We rented forever too, and the biggest bummer of owning a home is not having that landlord to call. I had to help paint our house when we moved in four years ago. I worked alongside a “real” painter. Here’s a tip I learned – when you start on a big wall, first paint a giant “W”, then work out from there. It really helps. We chose this expensive lime wash paint, with crushed limestone in it, that comes out in patches and looks cool when it dries. Unfortunately, you can’t use rollers, and you can’t touch up later, because the paint will dry a totally different color. It was a nightmare!
But – only two rooms to go, right? Big W.
Big W!! Okay!!! I have two bedrooms, a bathroom and a kitchen to go. But my superhero mom and baby sister are going to help some more. They got more done in an afternoon than I get done in a week and a half.
Whoo! Can I relate! My first husband was Mr Fix-it. He could wall paper, paint, lay tile, I was the cheerleader and sandwich maker. I could, however paint baseboards so that was my only job. Fast forward 23 years and I was single (for another 20 years) and owned a house. Um, no Mr. Fix-it. I learned. I hired painters but I did my own landscaping and actually sanded and painted gutters. I painted my front door several times (my color choices changed with my mood) and replaced a shower nozzle. When ever my daughter and I would do something we would high five each other and say “we don’t need no stinkin men!” Now, I’m remarried and my current husband who can do all of those things says he is “retired” from “that stuff”. Guess who painted the shutters and doors (and trim) outside our little Florida home? Yeah, that was me.
Hahahah..it’s always us, isn’t it?
That was the best. I can’t quit rolling my eyes…If you don’t want to hire someone to paint the tall stuff, you can rent a tall ladder and they might deliver it. On second thought, we don’t need either of you falling off the ladder. Not sure how to get the paint out of the grout. You might have to call a tile person to get the grout out and regrout it. Just a suggestion. My favorite new thing is get some paper and painter’s tape and cover the entire floor at one time. Tape the paper to the floor coming right next to the baseboards so that makes them easier to paint. Good luck!
I NEVER thought of taping the paper to the floor!!!
Brilliant 🙂
No tall ladders..that is a recipe for disaster. And good tip! Thank you!!!
I used to tell people that home improvements were a hobby of mine. Then I realized that I really didn’t like doing the actual work…… I like picking out paint colors ….buying the paint…. and shiny new paint supplies……. and then staring at everything for six months before I made feeble attempts to actually do the job all the while swearing like a maniac at the top of my lungs….. I am kick ass at landscaping though…. Your description comparing Randy’s painting skills to a chimpanzee throwing poo on the wall is the funniest thing I have heard all week. At least you recognize his limitations….. You will get it all done and then watch out …… everything will look so good……. You may not want to move……
Oh yeah, I will still want to move…but I am digging how crisp and clean everything looks.
*cheers from Oregon*
Go Michelle!
Go Randy!
*waves pom-pons*
It’s the great stories like this that make me look around my rented singlewide and…. wonder why everybody else has landlords to fix stuff.
I have a couple of friends that I called (Actually? Now that I think about it… it was THEIR idea to paint my boring living room in the first place… hunh. Mystery solved…. damn sobriety.)
My two friends were bound and determined that I NEEDED to spruce up my living room. I don’t remember the amount of time it took us, nor, apparently, many of the details.
But it WAS beautiful when it was done.
Yay for Good Times with Mom and Baby Sister!!
Yay for ‘fortitude with attitude!’
Yay for Randy and Dude Memes!!
😉
YAY for everything good!!!!
Good for you! I painted my office and the hall and it was a disaster. I have 2 friends who find painting relaxing. They love it. They even paint inside closets. I asked them if they want to paint a room in my house since they enjoy it and all and I get that pity look!
My mom and sister had a GREAT time and they can’t wait to come back. Odd.
Been there. Almost done all of that. Except spilling the can of paint. Blech. Agree on the monkey poo. Few people make me laugh out loud like you do. Lots of laughs there. Hang in there!
YAY for laughing!!!
There’s no tequila in this story. There’s no beer. There’s no wine. I don’t believe a damn word of it. Never happened.
HAHAH…the bourbon came later.
Steam the grout.
OMG thank you. I will give that a shot.
Yep: we need to stop beating ourselves up for mistakes.
This was great! Thank you for the smiles 🙂
My level of DIY went from “Daddy such and such doesn’t work” to “Babe such and such doesn’t work”. One way I wound up with a man like my dad is that they both then tackle that like their manhood lives or dies on whether they can fix it. If they fixed it then they both want to tell me what I can do next time (if it is more than 3 steps though I tune out).
If Sweetie can’t fix something I go shopping (that’s a lie as I hate shopping now. I go out to eat and drink booze). Because he’s a pain in the ass when he can’t fix something. I think dad was like that too if I think about it.
You know how some people go out of their way to fixer upper? That’s not me. At all. So now if Sweetie just wants to change or update something I help with color scheme or furnishings. And by I, I mean I call my mom and ask her because she’s got an eye for that stuff.
I’m useless at DIY. Except for to the restaurants and bars I go to. I’m sure they love me.
I am also very good in restaurants and bars!!!
When we buy a house, I don’t mind if I have to paint it because I know I can do it. I will hate it, but I can do it. That’s as far as we want to go as far as a fixer upper, though. Because fuck that.
ok, you and Randy and my husband and I are clearly related. Except we have lived here 35 years and it was and is the first house we bought after renting. We want to sell and get out of the city but oh my – the de-cluttering, the fixing of the broken steps, and retaining wall – the tree roots that are making our sidewalk tilt.
We are hoping to sell it to a builder so we don’t have to do anything but de-clutter.
Sigh. We have painted a few rooms over the years and even finally removed the ugly kitchen wallpaper two years ago. We are not very good DIYers – and our 50 year old furnace does make the oddest noises.
Oh man..I’m just hoping the water heater doesn’t have to be replaced as well. I really really hope that. I do not have the money for everything we need to fix, so we’re just doing what we can and figuring out the rest as we go. New carpet for instance. We REALLY need to replace the carpet, but we don’t have a carpet budget. sigh.
When my dad bought a rental for income property, guess who got press ganged, I mean volunteered to do the maintenance?
I also worked at an auto body shop doing paint prep for a while.
Which all came in handy when I helped my retired friend JT remodel the house he let me live in for three years.
It had wide, redwood panels on the living room walls, separated by wide moldings, and they had been repainted so many times since the house was built in 1910 that the paint was a quarter inch thick.
JT really liked the redwood, but it was so deep in old, lead-based paint, that he just figured we should scuff it a little and paint over it again.
I told him that if he would buy me a whole ream of the right kind of sandpaper, I could make him very happy about his redwood walls (which he finally agreed to and I did) but he first resisted the idea of me hand-sanding the whole room by saying “This isn’t a Porsche or one of those cars you used to sand on.”
“No JT, you’re right, it’s not a Porsche, but last I checked, this house is worth substantially more than any Porsche I’m aware of, unless you’re talking collectors pieces, and those folks are crazy anyway.”
He then told me the story of how he got the house, how the owner carried the loan (people used to do that) and died eleven months later, and how he didn’t know who to send the payments to afterward, and went to the family’s attorney to get instructions about it, and bought the house outright for $5,000 from the estate on the spot.
I still sanded the shit out of those panels, and you could see the grain when I was done.
I’m still a little amazed at his story, you can spend $5,000 on a decent used car these days, and that house has a big back yard, a nice storage shed, a veranda, two beautiful trees, and the lot adjoined Courtland Creek.
And yes, when rolling paint, first roll a big “W” then roll the area within your reach. The “W” gets most of the paint off of the roller and onto the wall where you just sort of spread it with the roller and it can’t drip or fly off the roller in those damnable little specks that stick everywhere.
Daaaaaamn…I want a 5000.00 house.
( I love your stories!)
What color is the grout? can you match it to a little bit of paint, and just paint over the spilled paint? is it small enough area you can put a throw rug over it? If the grout is white, just paint it the same white as the baseboard.
I once worked at a shoe store, and we were told to take scratched shoes and fill the scratches with crayon and put them back in the box to sell. I used to use sharpies to fix light colored wear marks on clothes. Spill bleach on your jeans? use navy or blue. Burn mark on the floor from the previous residents? put a chair on it!
When I sold my house, it’s possible there were cracked tiles under the appliances in the kitchen. Maybe. I’ll deny it if you ask me.
The grout is charcoal. I can TOTALLY cover it with something. Not a rug, but a marker or a pencil or something. GENIUS!!
Oh! I forgot to say, take off the socket and light switch covers before you paint, then put them back on after. it is sooooo much easier than painting neatly around them. This is a real tip, my mother in law always does this.
I hate to paint. I’m not good at it. The last time I helped paint, I was afraid I would get paint on my glasses, so I wore safety goggles. I didn’t want paint on my hands so I wore rubber gloves. While I was in the store picking out the paint, I found different pieces of clothing that were made for painters. So I ended up with a hood (with eye holes) that fit over my hair, my face and my neck. Next a long sleeve top with elastic around the wrists. Next, pants with elastic around the ankles. Then shoe covers. I topped that all off with an allergy type face mask. I looked like I was going into a contaminated building. There are several photos out there that I would like to make disappear. I am not a painter. Too much work getting dressed.
Hahahaha that is awesome. If you could have seen me cleaning up paint…damn. I was literally covered in paint.
Its a huge fucking relief to hear you have relatives who are cool. At least in the home improvement area. Was your mom married to your dad? If so, how did she escape being his narrcisistic sidekick? Just curious.
She is married to my dad. I’m not completely comfortable giving her details. I will talk freely about my dad, he was horrible and I’ve had so much shit to work through because of him. But I love my mom very much. I feel okay saying it wasn’t a good marriage and he’s been brain damaged for over 20 years now, so he’s manageable. He doesn’t require constant care or anything, he’s just got short term memory issues and is mostly quiet and frail now. I still really don’t like being around him.
Oh, no, I would never want you to give details. I just think its awesome that she, and your sister, are cool. More than I got. My sibling is right there, learning narc behavior from mom. Cheers!
Not son, sibling
I fixed it!
That is such a shame. I’m glad my sisters and mother are who they are.
Michelle, You and I live in parallel universes. I also have a husband named Randy, am preparing to sell, and am about to paint a lot. The only difference is we have to hire a painter since we have zero talent in this area. I admire your bravery and hard work!
Here’s to hoping it goes well for both of us! I just finished another room today. Except for the grout issue.
I still rent, so I can laugh and point at people like you. Well, also, no one ever comes over to my house, so no one knows what awful condition this place is in.
Never mind. Now I’m just sad.
Good luck with the painting.
Hahaha..I do miss a LOT about renting. We even discussed it, but decided to continue to forge ahead as homeowners. Just a smaller home. That I will probably have to paint. This is never going to end.
I love to paint! I painted all the bedrooms in my flat once but had to call in professionals when painting the whole place… couldnt quite tackle the lot.
would have been happy to help u paint if we lived in the same time zone!
I would gladly accept that help…
Steve Martin said some people have a way with words and others “not have way”. That also seems to be true of DIY shit. Some people are really good at it and some of us not have way no matter how much we try.
However when you said your mother and younger sister came over and rolled your living room and hallway I imagined they left them covered with toilet paper because when it comes to making stupid jokes some of us have way.
HAHAHAH..you and Randy would get along nicely.
I’m here to say it is possible to get the better part of a gallon of paint off of newly installed carpeting. Had it not been possible, it’s likely I wouldn’t still be married. All it took was all our bath towels, and then when the towels were used up and there was still a pond of paint on the carpet we tried the shop vac. Eventually we poured water on the carpet and vacuumed it up, again and again. Whew!
The marriage issue – well it turns out I don’t put lids back on things very tightly. And my husband uses paint cans to prop open exterior doors to air out that new carpet smell.
My whole house could use a paint job as well but fortunately my eyesight isn’t all that so I am ignoring it for now.
Oh man…that’s bad. I’m glad it worked out. And I am all for ignoring for as long as you can.
We’ve still only got ’round to painting two areas, and our plan five years ago was to do it all within the year. You see how much I hate painting?
Actually, I don’t hate painting. I hate prepping—taping off, sanding—I hate laying out all the plastic and slipping on it in my socks while I’m painting, I hate how it feels to drip paint on yourself or step in a puddle of paint in your socks. I hate how dried paint ruins a garment forever, and now that’s your “painting shirt.” I hate going back and doing touch-ups to fix my blobbies and mistakes… but the actual painting part I quite enjoy. Because I’m basically a kid, and splashing paint around is fun.
YES!!! It is the goddamn prep that sucks. I HATE TAPING…hate it.
Completely enjoyed your DIY experiences laced with good humor to make this a very interesting read. Indeed DIY is a great teacher and teaches you some thing every time you do over and over again.
Thank you!
I am very good with power tools and a hammer. I take great joy in BUILDING a thing. I have no idea whether I’m good at painting; I haven’t done it enough to get fed up. Also, I’m currently renting, so we only ever find ourselves patching holes in walls. Your DIY tips seem sound, though, so thanks!
Have fun storming (painting) the castle!