Mountain girl gave me advice once. Well, she’s given me advice more than once, but I’m talking about a specific moment. Although, I would be remiss to not mention that the aloe vera did clear my burn up quickly.
This is the best advice on the planet for me and I only ignore it most of the time. I hear her whisper to me when I start babbling in front of my boss. I usually keep babbling, but I do find her voice comforting, so it’s still a good thing.
It’s hilarious to recount moments where I’ve said something awkward or ridiculous.
That blog fodder is golden and writes itself.
The fact that it makes for amusing reading doesn’t make it less horrifying when it’s actually happening. Like the other day, for instance.
I did a podcast. I will post the link here when it’s available. I guess.
I was super excited about doing this podcast. I’ve been on a stage more than once (okay, twice) and I did the Huffpo live thing. I make spoken word pieces my bitch. I was down for the podcast.
The interview didn’t go as well as I had hoped.
I don’t want to say Randy jinxed my podcast, but I think Randy jinxed my podcast.
We’re trying to get our house painted and fixed up so that we can sell it. We have a bunch of shit to donate, so Randy took the car that day so he could make a trip to Goodwill. He drove me to work and would pick me up when I got off work.
I leave work at 4:00. The recording was set to start at 5:30. As long as traffic was light, I’d have plenty of time to get home, decompress, and be totally focused on the interview.
We left the parking lot and immediately started driving in a direction I don’t normally drive when I go home in the evenings.
Randy and I have different approaches to traveling to desired destinations. I take the quickest route from point “A” to point “B”. Randy takes a route like he’s sending an armada to North Korea.
Me: Uhhhhh, where are you going?
Randy: I was going to show you the one route you can take when traffic is heavy on the interstate.
Me: I would rather do that another night. I just want to get home and get ready for the podcast.
Randy: It’s not going to take any extra time. I promise. We have plenty of time.
Me: Is…is that an accident?
Me: Yeah, so emergency vehicles are blocking this road.
Randy: I’ll just turn around here. We didn’t lose that much time.
We only lost about 15 minutes.
I still had time to enjoy a few minutes without a bra and perhaps enough time to eat a PB&J over the sink before we started.
Randy set up the microphone, tested the sound, and I sat cross legged on the bed and planned to scan through Facebook for a few minutes to relax.
Then, my phone rang.
That’s weird, they’re calling 15 minutes early. I mean, I guess that’s okay.
It wasn’t the interviewer. It was my boss.
I won’t bore you with the problem, just pretend you are watching an action movie and reached the part where someone has to cut the red wire or the blue water or else a bomb will detonate and kill blind nuns holding orphan babies. I had to cut the red wire or the blue wire.
Okay, it had to do with some printers not working, but people were still super upset about it.
I emailed the interviewer and told her I would be 15 minutes late.
Then, I saved the blind nuns and orphaned babies with 3 minutes to spare.
That is so much better of a story than I got printers to work so pick tickets could print.
I was out of sorts when the interview started. I was distracted and the shot of bourbon I drank gave me a headache.
You guys, “always don’t talk” should have been heeded.
I answered questions they didn’t ask. I didn’t answer questions they did ask. I said “um” every other word. I rambled and then just trailed off multiple times.
But was that the worst of it? Of course not.
I took a sip of water and, right in the middle of the recorded interview, I had this gasping, retching, gagging cough.
I never fully recovered after the coughing fit. They assured me they could edit it out, no worries. I was already distracted and then I was distracted with a weird click in my throat.
I’ve been consoling myself with the idea that falling on my face keeps me humble and they can’t all be good.
Plus, if I had really followed the “always don’t talk” advice, it would have been worse. It would have been rude of me to just sit there and not answer.