Remember the cartoon The Adventures Of Billy And Mandy?
A long time ago, two jobs ago, Randy and I lived in a little Ohio town called Coshocton. There is not much to Coshocton and not much around Coshocton. I had a hard time adjusting, but Randy is from a small town in Indiana, so he was used to small town life.
Anyway, I worked with a girl named Mandi. She was very much like Mandy on Billy and Mandy, both are blonde, both crabby, and both sarcastic.
I love her.
Two years in a row, we took a bus trip to New York City to go shopping for a day.
Anyone reading from New York City, keep your scoffing to a minimum.
We would ride all night long on the bus, get to New York early in the morning, then leave for home around 9:00 pm.
The reason I bring this up, is today Randy and I were talking about fear.
Randy: I don’t think I’ve ever screamed because I was scared.
Me: I have. That last time Mandi and I went to New York.
Sleeping on a bus is nearly impossible. We went in November, so it was cold outside. Mandi sat on the inside seat. She fell asleep kind of slumped over toward the window, right above the heater.
I looked at her back, slightly sloped and really, in the perfect position to be a human mattress.
So, I turned my back to Mandi, leaned back, and fell sound asleep,
She woke up a few hours later gasping.
Mandi: Why is it so fucking hot in here?
Me: Well, it might have been because I was sleeping on you
Mandi: Are you fucking kidding me?
Me: I’m old. I need sleep.
We ate breakfast at a diner near Battery Park. Mandi made friends with a table of construction workers. We had been eating, minding our own business, when Mandi perked up because they were talking about football. Mandi is a huge Browns fan and immediately starting talking shit about the Jets to the construction workers. By the time we left, I think they were all in love with her.
We shopped and walked and visited a wax museum. We were serenaded by an opera singing cab driver. Which was nicer than the previous cab driver who was pissed off and cursing the whole time because his previous fare stiffed him. I bought a pair of sunglasses from a guy on the street and then I almost stepped in puke.
We got dropped off at Macy’s in the morning and Macy’s was our departure point. Mandi and I found ourselves at Macy’s two hours before the bus was scheduled to leave. We were both ridiculously weighted down with shopping bags.
Mandi decided we had to go to this sports store, like the ESPN store or something. I don’t remember, it was a sports thing, so I don’t care. We hauled ass to 57th street and got to her store just as it closed.
We had like 10 blocks to walk back to Macy’s.
No fucking way I was walking 10 blocks. By then, the bottoms of my feet felt like they had been beaten with a hammer.
The street was mostly deserted and no cabs were stopping.
Then we were saved.
A man in a bicycle rickshaw thingy stopped and asked if we needed a ride. We so much did. So we climbed in the back and immediately regretted our decision.
Motherfucker was crazy.
Mandi and I were holding on to each other and screaming within two minutes. I have no idea how he was able to peddle fast enough to break the sound barrier, but I am pretty sure I heard a sonic boom.
I watched as we approached stopped traffic. There were cars on one side and a city bus on the other and he’s not fucking slowing down.
For fuck’s sake….is…he…is he going to go in between the bus and cars?
Yes. Yes he was.
We cut the same cab off twice. Twice we listened to a cabby honk his horn and scream at us. The part that we were sitting in kind of swayed side to side and would swing out a little when we turned corners and it felt like we were going to break away from the bicycle and go through someone’s windshield. I screamed my ass off. Well, screamed and laughed. I had no idea that when I am really terrified, I laugh.
We sincerely thought we were going to die.
We stopped in front of Macy’s and the guy says “I forgot to tell you that I’m crazy.”
I paid twenty five dollars for that shit.
We got back to Macy’s with an hour to spare. We collapsed on the sidewalk and leaned against the wall and prepared to relax or at least catch our breath. The weather was chilly, but we were both warmed up by adrenaline.
Did we relax at all? Nope.
As soon as we sat down, across the street, a goddamn SWAT team was swarming a building. They wore full riot gear and had guns drawn. Directly across the street.
Me: Ummmm….maybe sitting here isn’t a great idea. Maybe we should go inside or something.
Mandi: Yeah, I don’t know. This is freaky, we should go inside.
Me: Do you feel like standing and picking up all your bags?
Mandi: No.
Me: We’ll just stay here then.
The bus got there a little early and Mandi and I grabbed a seat. We hunkered down and waited to either explode in a hail of bullets or start heading back to Ohio.
I was relieved to leave the SWAT team behind us.
I don’t think I used Mandi as a mattress on the way home, we both slept like the dead, throbbing feet and all.
So, I tell Randy this story since we were talking about screaming in fear (even though he’s heard the story before) and he looks at me and says “You guys are pussies.”
Oh, and this has nothing to do with the story, but I am on Mock Mom today talking about ‘pooping clean’. If you stop by, leave me comment so I don’t look like the lame ass contributor with no comments.
Ha, I giggle like a loon when I’m scared, so I think I would have been laughing my head off on that trip. Note to self, if I ever manage to make it to New York for a shopping trip, avoid rickshaw taxis like the plague. I now have the theme to S.W.A.T going round my head so thanks for that ear worm!
🙂
Hahaha…theme songs and cold medicine. You must be miserable. Hope you are feeling better today.
Michelle, you are my spirit animal.
Hahahaha…I’m sorry.
Men always think they are so tough…give them one period and they would be curled up in the fetal position sucking their thumbs!
Yeup!
I bet Randy screamed and nearly died when he found out what you spent on that shopping trip Haha pussy rules !
Hahahah..nope. That is a conversation we never have. I’m as tight as he is…we’re both on the hunt for bargains.
The only time I went to NYC, the Jets were playing the Colts and I’m a huge Peyton Manning fan. So obviously I wore a Manning jersey. To the Meadowlands. Surrounded by insane Jets fans. AND I said ‘Y’all’ in an exchange with one. I was terrified. Guess I’m a pussy, too.
Hahahahah….you can be in our club. 🙂
“Me: Do you feel like standing and picking up all your bags?”
Hahahaha!
Fuck that SWAT team, my feet hurt.
This was the best thing to read on a (already bright and hot) Sunday morning. I giggle-snorted my way through this one. 🙂
I feel like I should apologize for being somewhat of a terrible person – laughing at y’all’s past distress, but I also kind of get the feeling that you grok.
I am glad you laugh at them…it makes me feel like it was all worth it. 🙂
It’ll probably be all right, that SWAT team would tell us to move if we were in their way, right?
Right!!
“I don’t think I’ve ever screamed because I was scared.”
I think a statement made like that by my husband sounds like an invitation. I would do my best (as his dutiful wife) to make sure that he had the opportunity to accomplish all the things he’d never gotten to do…
I can be sweet like that… ; )
HAHAHAHAH
When I’m scared, I put it away somewhere until it’s safe to deal with. So I get pissed instead. I’ve only had to do it a couple of times, and I don’t know where this instinct came from, but I’m not terribly disappointed in it.
Fun filled fact: my cousin was a bicycle rickshaw guy in Baltimore for awhile. I don’t think he still is, though I could be wrong. He’s also trying to run for mayor. Maybe bicycle rickshaw guys have to be a little off kilter?
I think they are off kilter. And yeah, getting angry in those situations are good.
I want to go with you to NY!
That would be so fabulous!
Don’t you and Randy have any interest in moving to Arkansas? Pretty please? Headed to Mock Mom now!
Haha. We ARE going to move. But just to a smaller house around here.
Never been to NYC, never plan on going. Never saw the excitement of going. I prefer where I am in New York State.
I love it there…just not so much the rickshaw thingy.
I could relate to your story – well the bicycle rickshaw part of it anyway! I used to have to go from Boston to NYC for business a lot. The hotel where I stayed was only about a mile from the train station so I often walked. But one day it was so hot I couldn’t even consider it. I have terrible cab karma and couldn’t get one no matter how hard I tried. So I took one of those rickshaws and was driven down Park Avenue in it as we also wiggled and I giggled through traffic. I asked to be dropped off a block from my hotel because I didn’t want anyone I knew from work to see me arriving in that thing. But it turned out that 3 colleagues had spotted me anyway and I never lived it down with them!
HAHAHHA…you got busted!
Randy has a secret. I’m sure of it. He’s been terrified but won’t let on. And that’s okay–we all have our secret terrors, but he should know better than to put down others. One of these days you’re going to be in a situation with him where you’re calm and he’s terrified, and you can laugh.
I can’t even imagine the circumstances. Although, he was pretty terrified when I passed out last month. But it would have been cruel to laugh then. haha. Well, and I’d have to be conscious.
“I forgot to tell you that I’m crazy.” BEST LINE EVER. It should be written on all rickshaws though – I’ve been on one in London and was actually sobbing by the time we persuaded the guy to pull over and let us out. Alcohol might have contributed to that, but still.
it really was goddamn terrifying.
Best. Story. EVAH.
Haha..THank you!!
Once a friend and I dropped our husbands off in downtown Birmingham at a Star Trek convention while we went shopping. We came back to find them huddled together awaiting our return. They had learned the difference between “Star Trek fans” and “Trekkies.” They were not Trekkies.
HAHAHHA…awesome. Have you ever seen the documentary Trekkies? It’s really interesting and bizarre.
I have not…I’ll put that on my “to do” list.
I really need a to do list
That’s hilarious! Hey, sometimes good times involve a big dose of fear, and it’s all fine as long as you come out unscathed. See what a great read you gave us all these years later? I kinda wanna ride one of them rickshaws. After a few drinks, of course. And Randy doesn’t get that it’s fun to scream (with your girlfriends). His loss.
I honestly didn’t have a LOT of fun then because I was exhausted and I truly thought we were going to get hurt. It’s fun to think back on it, though. haha.
Sounds like huge fun (other than the whole terror part). I may need to grab a friend and do a day shopping in NYC.
Yeah, I haven’t been there since. It’s been about 10 years.
You’re probably lucky you didn’t get robbed, fast asleep on a train.
Funny story tho!!
xo
J
I am always glad when I don’t get robbed. Haha.
I will stop by. I know all an out being the lame ass contributor. PS: Glad you both made it out alive!
I am glad we both made it out alive as well!!
It’s looking so great about story (other than the whole terror part). I may need to grab a friend and do a day shopping in NYC.
We had so much fun