I don’t mind my doctor. I like him. He usually makes me laugh.
I saw him last week because I have to stop being stubborn. I need help with this anxiety.
My insurance is kind of shitty, but they will pay for one physical a year. I decided to schedule my appointment as a physical and then talk to him about anxiety.
We talked about options . He asked if I have anything I enjoy doing outside of work and that sometimes having a hobby can help.
Me: I do. I’m actually even making a little money with it.
Doc: Drugs or prostitution?
Me: The prostitution ship sailed a long time ago.
Me: Actually, what I do is I tell people that if they give me a hundred dollars, I won’t break their leg. So, it’s a protection thing.
Doc: I think there’s good money in that business.
Me: It would never work for me. I’m not intimidating. No one would take me seriously.
Doc: All you have to do is break one leg. People will come around.
We finished up and he told me he would send the nurse back in to give me my tetanus shot.
Me: What the fuck? I need a shot? Tetanus shots hurt.
Doc: That’s how long it’s been since you’ve had one. They don’t hurt anymore.
Me: Bullshit.
Me: Hey, can I ask you a question?
Doc: Sure.
Me: This paper on the table. Do all your patients make it look like it’s been chewed on by a gerbil the minute they sit on it?
Doc: No. Not all my patients. Mostly, just you and toddlers.
For the record, I got that shot Thursday and my shoulder still hurts like a motherfucker.
I had to go back in Friday morning for blood work.
I got there as soon as they opened. I was cranky because I had no food and no coffee yet.
There was only one woman at the desk during check in. She was distracted, told me to just sign the paper, and have a seat. Then, 4 other people came in, all of whom where going to the lab.
I fucking knew what was going to happen. She was distracted when I was at the counter, then she checked in 4 other people, and I was positive she forgot about me.
The first person to come in after me was a young woman my older son’s age. I know this because I heard her say her birth date when she checked in. Her name was Angela.
They called Angela’s name to go back to the lab and I walked to the counter, where there were now two women working.
Me: Hey, I was here before all these other people and you didn’t call me first to go back to the lab. Did you miss me?
First woman: Oh. I did. There were already two people back there, I have these four checked in, so you’re only 7th in line.
Me, taking a deep breath: Okay, that doesn’t work for me. I came in early because I have to get to work. I should be 3rd, not 7th.
Second woman: Go on around to the lab. I got this.
The second woman told the blood lady that I should be before Angela because they made a mistake at 
check in. Angela wasn’t pleased.
They have a new blood lady at my doctor’s office. She had long flowing red hair, bright pink lips, and purple eye glasses. She’s probably in her mid sixties.
There was a dude in the chair ready to get his blood drawn. I sat across from Angela and avoided her glare.
The blood lady rolled her chair across the room and wrapped a tourniquet around the dude’s forearm.
Blood lady: I hope I get to give your man card today. Men are babies when it comes to needles. If you’re a baby, then me and these girls here are going to make fun of you after you leave.
What the actual fuck?
The guy in the chair looked up and caught my eye.
Me: No man. I won’t make fun of you.
Blood lady did not like my comment and gave me the stink eye. She finished up with the guy whose manhood she just questioned and turned to me.
Blood lady: Okay, you. You’re the one who jumped in line.
Me: No. I am the one who got here first.
Blood lady: So, you’re Angela?
Me: No. I am Michelle.
Blood lady: Would you rather be Angela?
Me:…
Blood lady: She is a lot younger than you.
Hahahaha. Are you fucking kidding me?
Me: I’ll stay me. And I’m pretty sure you just draw blood. I don’t think you can do body swaps.
Blood lady: Did you have a nice Summer?
Wait wait wait…she wants to make small talk now?
Me: Sure.
Blood lady: Did you do anything fun?
Me: No.
Blood lady: Okay then.
She had me holding a piece of gauze on my arm while she careful swirled all the vials of blood she had collected so far. Not just my blood. The vials from the people before me as well. I think she was punishing me for not making small talk. After she insulted me.
Me: I’m going to go.
Blood lady: We have to make sure you aren’t going to bleed a lot.
She did not make the dude before me wait.
Me: Yeah. I’m gonna leave.
I got my own tape for my gauze and left. I wasn’t angry with the blood lady, mostly confused and entertained. I thought I had no filter. I have a filter. Blood lady had no filter.
I stopped at the front desk and talked with the lady who got my place back in line.
Me: What in the hell is the story with the new blood lady?
Front desk woman: Oh my god. I know. What did she do this time?
So I told her.
Front desk woman: I have complained multiple times. She gets angry very easy and yells. She’s really good at sticking so they aren’t doing anything about it.
Me: She is good at sticking. I didn’t even feel the needle.
Front desk woman: Sooner or later, a patient is going to lose their shit with her and then they’ll have to do something.
Me: It won’t be me. I’m actually looking forward to the next time I come in just to see what she’s going to say.
I’m not going to lie. I really am looking forward to my next lab visit. I hope she still works there because I didn’t have to work very hard at this blog post at all.
Also, wish me luck. We’re trying a new medication for my anxiety. So far, I guess it’s okay. We’ll see.
I’m glad you’re getting help. I take 6 meds. for my problems. Twice a day. I hope you can get by with one. Just a guess, don’t say, it’s Aripiprazole, a.k.a. Abilify. Good stuff.
Good to see that you’re getting help, once again. You’ll be okay.
Thank you. It’s only been a few days and he said I’d feel wonky for about a week. He wasn’t lying. I am hopeful.
I want your doctor really bad. All you have to do is break ONE leg. Priceless.
I’ll take nasty Blood Lady who doesn’t hurt me any day over Pleasant Blood Lady.
Yeah, she was awesome at the actual blood letting. Plus, blog material! What’s not to love?
I second that. I had a pleasant blood lady who could barely get a drop, and did every painful thing she could to get some, eventually went to get someone else, but not before suggesting (pleasantly, of course) that the reason she was having difficulty might have been due to ME being anxious about it (which I wasn’t, until she started sucking so bad, I’ve had heaps of blood taken). Someone else enters the room and gets it out first go 😀
I had one of those as well..a LONG time ago.
My very first blood test ever resulted in the kindly phlebotomist rushing out of the room and bursting into tears in the hallway because she stuck me four times and missed the vein every time. She got swapped out for a brusque no-nonsense type who got shit done on the first try.
It’s so counter-intuitive but the nice ones are almost always the ones that screw you over.
I have good veins so I rarely have an issue. I did with one person a LONG time ago. (Every time she stuck me, something weird happened).
I would take your blood lady over the bruising any day. And yes, you have a filter. It’s clogged with sand most of the time, but like me, you’re good.
Hahahha..it IS clogged with sand! That’s it!!!
I am also on a new medication for anxiety. Being on a new medication makes me very anxious but so far I think it’s OK. A week ago I was convinced it was giving me brain fog and dizzy spells but that turned out to be the start of a cold. Once my nose started running my brain felt fine.
Mine is making me a little dizzy and dry mouth, but the doc said I’d feel funky for a week..so..
I just really hope it makes a difference
Wielding power with a needle, who wants to cross her? My blood person, who has since left, was from Romania so she sounded like Dracula!
THAT is so cool. I wish my blood lady sounded like Dracula.
OMG, I think I know what happened to the lady who interviewed me back in the 1980s (Me: “That’s okay, I don’t do drugs.” Her: “Yeah, that’s what they all say until they fail the test.”)!!! She became a phlebotomist! HAHAHA!!! Eerily enough, the age would be about right, too. That’s hilarious though! Your doctor’s entire office sounds like a TV sitcom.
Take care of that arm. Tetanus shots hurt like hell in the aftermath. I remember one—the initial shot was painless, just a pinch, and I did a Matthew McConaughey—“Alright, alright, alright!!” and then….I woke up the next day and felt like I’d been punched in the arm. HARD. I couldn’t raise my damned arm for a week afterward.
Good luck with the new medication. I truly hope it helps you! XOXO
Haha We did it again!
I LOVE it!!
*sings* We go together like ramalama-lama-kading-a-ding-a-dong!
*hugs Tink*
*waves down fairy dust*
Ooh! Ooh! (I sound like Horshack! HAHA! “Mis-tah Kot-TAIR!”) This is my favorite part—–Boogedy boogedy boogedy boogedy Shooby doo-wop she-bop! 😀
*hugs Lisa back* Yes, that IS a wand in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you! Haha!!
You made my day 🙂
Mwah!
Thank you. My arm was sore ALL weekend. It still hurts, but it’s getting better.
Before my first surgery, during a routine Pap, the FEMALE doctor said, “WOW, you HAVE had a lot of babies!”
While her hands were inside me.
What does that mean? Did they leave gang signs or something?
I was too ‘affronted’ to ask just what the fuck she meant. It wasn’t the first ‘offhand’ offensive thing she said, but it was the last.
That was at least 5 years ago.
I’m still looking for a good OB/GYN/GP.
But I LOVE my surgeon!
Sometimes, people in the medical field get to be dicks because they have a piece of paper that makes them think they’re ALL that. Some of them are, but I still think they should at least have a disclaimer forehead sticker so us ‘not quite right with humanity anyway’ don’t take it so personally.
I was told, and have accepted, that once you get to a certain level of smart you don’t have to have people skills. Did I want a GOOD doctor or a NICE one?
Obviously, BOTH, wasn’t gonna happen, in that situation.
Good for you for blogging her snarky ass behaviour so the rest of us could Kudo your ‘stand up for yourself’ ‘go-girl’ winning performance.
Kudos!
And may the new med resolve the edgies. (Edge of control, edge of losing it, edge of going over, edge of random scary worries, edge of insomnia, you know, ‘edgies.’)
🙂
I am hopeful it will help. I feel pretty wonky and lethargic today…but he said it would take a week.
Yeah. I LOVE a good ‘breaking in’ period when it doesn’t involve shrink to fit jeans 😉
I usually don’t have the gumption to make it through the ‘break in’ if it’s too harsh, so I go back to what I know… like today.
Doc, last week, had a few things for me to try.
Tried yesterday.
Supposed to try for 6 weeks.
Fuck that.
Better the evil I know.
I am right there with you. I’m going to stick it out for the week, though. Maybe two. I have to give it a shot because I am frayed as fuck.
Every person is different. I’m another one who is better off with the evil I know than the one I don’t. I’m better able to cope knowing that my symptoms are anxiety. But, I have always been like that naturally—never smoked anything, don’t drink alcohol, never did any sort of recreational drugs. I never have understood the term “recreational” as it pertains to drugs. I’m a dancing, bike riding, horseback riding kind of recreationist. Oh boy!! I got the red, dotted line underneath that word! Did I also tell you I’m a linguistic inventor? 🙂
Have either of you seen that British show “Doc Martin”? It’s really good and funny, too. He’s a brilliant doctor with the shittiest attitude. I guess that sort of thing a lot funnier when it’s a TV show. I went to a really nice OB/GYN (female) who gave me an endometrial biopsy. She told me that everything looked great down there. I told her that if she yelled into it, she could also hear an echo. HAHA!!!! I couldn’t help myself. Humor is how I deal with nervousness and anxiety.
Me too! I am terribly inappropriate when I’m nervous. I try to deal with it, I do. It’s just gotten away from me and I feel kind of helpless right now. I don’t like it.
Need to check out Doc Martin 🙂
Love ‘Becker’ and miss his cut to the chase doctoring!
Good luck.
And congratulations on having such an awesome doctor. The funniest thing mine has said is when I told him local anesthetic knocks me out and he said, “You’re a cheap date.”
To be fair he has made an effort to be funny ever since I complained that they don’t teach humor in medical school.
Also I try to compliment nurses when they stick me with a needle and it doesn’t hurt by saying, “I can tell you’ve done this before.”
Next time I should ask if I get my man card or if they’re gonna make fun of me.
Yeah, I can’t complain about my doctor. He does make the experience more enjoyable.
I love how you turned that psycho into entertainment. This should be like a skill taught in colleges across the nation.
It just makes life easier. We can all use a little “easier”.
Part of me wants to be really pissed at both the blood letter and the front desk folks for the way you and the other patients were treated.
Part of me wishes the highly inappropriate blood letter worked for the regional Red Cross where I donate blood, since the folks who work there are most def NOT great at painless sticks.
You’d think that folks who do that for a living, all day, every day would be really good at it. You’d be wrong.
Not just painful, but sometimes go right through the vein and into the tissue — which is a real problem when you do “double red” donations, where they take a pint, separate out the red and pump the rest back into you, then do it again. If they push through the vein, the stuff that’s supposed to pump back into your vein goes into the surrounding tissue instead — more pain, and a humongous ugly bruise that lasts several weeks.
So, yeah, I think I’d put up with your blood letter’s general shitty-ness in exchange for successful donations!
Oh absolutely. Plus! Entertainment. Although, I would have been more entertained if there was coffee involved.
See? I want your life. I go for blood work every six months and nothing funny or weird ever happens to me there.
Nothing blog worthy that is for sure.
I went every six months for YEARS. After 20 years of checking, they cut it down to once a year. Then I didn’t go for two years and ended up getting really sick because my meds were off.
I’m not going to complain about blood lady. She is entertaining.
Enjoy the wonky. Pretend you are 16, and you and your best friend are looking at eachother, repeatedly saying “are you high” ” I don’t know, are you high?” And then laughing like maniacs. Then go to 7 11, buy one of each hostess product and a gallon of milk. In our house, milk negates junk food. You can eat any sugar crap you want, just eat it with a milk chaser. Or black coffee. Cause I’m lactose intolerant now. Probally from all that milk I used to drink.
HAHAHAHAH..OMG I have had that exact conversation. I had forgotten about that. Only I bought BBQ chips and RC Cola.
Tetanus shots. Ugh. I had a tetanus booster when I was 17 after I ground the end of my left index finger off in a metal grinder, and I only have hazy memories of the injury, but I remember that shot like it was this morning.
Good doctors are just next to being magical, and bad doctors will straight up kill you. I am really lucky in the doctor department. My primary care doctor works in the adult medicine clinic at the county hospital, and he is just great. His name is Dr. Nelson, and when I was going blind with cataracts, he recommended me to the ophthalmology clinic there at Highland, and six months later Dr. Huang had fixed my eyes. I don’t even need glasses any more, except to read.
I have noticed a large difference in the ability of phlebotomists, and as I REALLY hate needles, they leave a large impression on my overall opinion of the care I receive.
I know that I am biased favorably toward medical professionals at this point because I got good care for my stroke and my cataracts, and good information also. Everything they told me from the very first came true, pretty much right on time. While I was in acute rehab, I had to learn to cooperate with their program, and as soon as I did, things got a lot better very quickly, so I’m biased in that direction, also. So I don’t know if doing that would help you, I just know that it saved my skinny white butt when I wasn’t even hip to its need of saving…
So, yeah, trying to hang in there for a week is probably a good idea, and I hope the new meds make things better for you. Perhaps you could put in a request for a Romanian accent in your vampire, I mean phlebotomist next time…
Are your thyroid meds finally adjusted properly? I know they were kind of a big deal a while back.
Yeah, thyroid levels are all good. They just came back with those results.
I have to go back for more blood work (just got the call) nothing earth shattering, I just might be a little anemic. I think I will ask the blood lady to talk like dracula.
I’m going to give it two weeks to make a difference. If I go by how I feel today, I would set my new pills on fire. I am not digging this. But he did say it would be weird for a week…soooo….
Doesn’t help that tomorrow night is an upgrade that I’ve been dreading for a year now.
1. Your doc is awesome and I’m envious because my awesome doc decided to move away and now I’m stuck with whoever I get at the walk-in clinic until I can find someone decent who’s accepting new patients.
2. My examination table paper ALWAYS looks like it’s been chewed on by a gerbil, no matter how careful I am. I guess I just have a chaotic ass.
3. The tetanus shot is the only injection that has ever caused me to have any kind of reaction. I’m sure I’m due twice over to get another one but I just keep remembering how I turned green and almost passed out in the middle of class after the first time so I keep conveniently forgetting to bring it up.
4. All my favorite people at my usual blood lab just up and disappeared recently and the place is now staffed by a bunch of Redhead Blood Lady clones. Was there some big sweeping change in blood testing regulations? Are all phlebotomists now required to be eccentric and filter-free? I mean, it’s entertaining as hell, but wtf?
The old blood lady was just really cranky. And her name was Michelle. Haha. This one…wow. She is a character.
That is so funny! I don’t do doctors. Ever. Well unless I’m flying somewhere and they say you could die without, “these shots”. I have a skin condition that sometimes flares up.
The medication requires blood tests. Me? Why? It messes with your liver. I really seriously didn’t want that blood test. I figured enough alcohol already had messed with it.
Fine.
Suck it up. I went. Story similar to yours with sadistic vampire blood sucking woman.
Mine was made worse because I waited hours. I had checked in on line. I saw my name. I saw the time I booked. I waited. I finally asked.
M’am (I hate that term) that isn’t your appointment. Yours is next week. Me. Same name. Same time. Ok. Whatever! Can you fit me in today? I was in within 10 minutes.
Ps. My liver is fine. That was the big surprise…..
Oh man…I will just say..I am glad your liver is fine!
Luck. Luck. Luck. Goose!
Me, the meds worked great. My kid, she gets worse and/or sleeps 24/7 and/or can’t remember a damn thing (which way is gravity?) on meds. I hope your results are more like mine.
I used to have to get my blood drawn every week. The ones who make it so you can’t feel it are the best. I don’t care what they say, I will pick them every time.
I am hoping it works out, too. I don’t like the way I feel right now..but I am hopeful. And yes, not feeling the stick is the best.
Hilarious! I never have that much fun at my bloodwork sessions. I want to go to your blood lady.
I wish everyone could go to her. She’s hilarious.
“just you and toddlers” — ouch!
I know, right? Hahaha.
My latest Tetanus shot didn’t hurt, but I was on Depo for 6ish years, which can REALLY hurt, so many things pale in comparison.
I’ve had a lot of blood drawn in the past year, and the lady at my primary’s office (Well, my primary’s old office, she just moved….oh, I should call her so that I move with her…) was very good at drawing without it feeling like much of anything. But at the local urgent care, they couldn’t find my vein for no good reason and drew from my hand and that suuuucked.
But…yay new meds? I hope they work well for you.
I am hoping they work. The jury is out so far. It’s like they’re working on my body but not my brain and it’s my brain that needs it.
Holy shit that was entertaining! lol! I’m pretty sure I was once forgotten about at a doctor’s office after they sat me in an exam room for about an hour and a half. But I was in no hurry to get back to work so I just read the book I had with me.
Hahah..who wouldn’t love that? A quiet room. A bed and a book. Heaven.
I do hope your new meds bring you some relief. And seriously. Blood lady? To be a fly on the wall of that room.
I really hope so too. So far, I just don’t like the way I feel and that makes me more anxious..but he said I had to give it time. So I am.
Yeah, blood lady was terribly entertaining.
Yep blood lady sounds like a sitcom character. You have a lot of self-control. And Doc Martin can’t stand blood, or people for that matter. I had a tetanus shot about 6 months ago. I was 4 behind. It didn’t hurt at all, and I’ll probably forget the next four, so, umm… one per decade… 53 plus 40… ya I’ll be dead. Guess I’m done with tetanus shots! Good luck with your new ‘script.
So far, I am not digging it at ALL….but I guess it takes time. I am not pleased that I am taking medicine for anxiety that is making me feel more anxious. It’s doing it wrong.
Oh my gosh, those labs can be so freaking annoying. Last time I had to wait like an hour and I was cranky as hell. I got my revenge though. My blood pressure must have been kind of high or she hit some massive vein or something because as soon as she stuck me blood squirted out of my arm like a fountain at the Bellagio and arced gloriously across the room. I feigned an, “Oops, sorry.” But to the tell you the truth, I wasn’t sorry at all.
HAHAHAHA…that is just poetic!
Ha ha ha, your blood nurse and the doctor who does mine should get together! That’s a match made in heaven, or hell! He has all the tact and charm of a charging bull.
🙂
I look forward to the next instalment.
Glad your meds are working, the stuff they’ve got me on for all the other things they have decided are wrong with me, seem to have had a knock on effect too. I’m feeling a tad chirpier at the moment. Hope it lasts!
Oh…YAY for feeling chirpier!!!!