Bad, Grams Bad

I love being a grams, mimi, and a gaga. Just because I love the names, doesn’t automatically make me a good grandma. I mean, I think it should, but apparently, it does not.

Case in point.

Okay, two cases in point. Or two points in one case. No idea. That got away from me.

Bad Grams: Exhibit A

My granddaughter, Madelyn, is 11 years old. She is funny, resourceful, and has an incredible command of sarcasm. I’m fairly certain she is nearly perfect.

Nearly.

So, Madelyn had an issue the other day where she was dragging her feet getting ready. My stepdaughter gave her plenty of chances to get dressed and then picked out some clothes for her.

Madelyn was not happy with the choice of jeans. By not happy, I mean, the situation devolved to crying and Madelyn being sent to her room.

30 minutes later, Madelyn emerged from her room. She apologized to her mother and admitted she had overreacted. She told her mom that the jeans were just fine.

Then, she made a big deal about bending over to pick something up and said “Oh, no…mom, my jeans just ripped.”

Baby girl had just cut a hole in the back of her jeans.

My stepdaughter told me this story while I was on speaker phone. Madelyn could hear the whole thing.

Me: Madelyn Kay?

Madelyn: Yes, Gaga?

Me: That was a terrible lie. Seriously, Awful. On what planet would you think any grown up can’t tell the difference when material rips or gets cut? And the timing? A little convenient.

Stepdaughter: Shell?

Me: Yes, sweetie?

Stepdaughter: When I told my mom this story, she lectured Madelyn on being honest. My aunt lectured her about being honest.

Me: Uh huh?

Stepdaughter: You told her to lie better.

So, then I of course told Madelyn that being honest was a better choice and that sometimes being honest isn’t easy, it’s still way easier than lying.

Still, I wasn’t wrong. It was a terrible lie.

Bad Grams: Exhibit B

So, my stepdaughter called me the other night to tell me that Madelyn had to create a board game for science class.

About the skeletal skeletonsystem, the circulatory system, the digestive system and the cardiovascular system.

She put me on speaker and told Madelyn to read the rules to her game.

Madelyn: Okay, Gaga, first there are four colors. Like, the circulatory system is purple and the digestive system is blue, and so on.

Me: Okay, cool.

Madelyn: The goal of the game is to move your pieces to the safe place. You get there by rolling dice.

Me: I see, I’m with you.

Madelyn: But you don’t want to land on a space where there is another player.

Me: Okay.

Madelyn: Because then you get boned.

Me: I’m…what? I’m sorry, what did you say?

Madelyn: You get boned.

You guys, I did everything I could to not laugh. And I succeeded. I should get a goddamn trophy for not laughing. But her mom and dad? I could hear them in the background. They were laughing their asses off. 

Madelyn: And you really don’t want that to happened, because you have to go back to the start and then you have a bigger chance of getting boned again.

And this is where I should lose my trophy. 

Me: I think that sounds very creative and inventive.

Madelyn: I don’t believe you, Gaga. You’re just laughing at me.

Her mother, thank the stars, chimed in and said that they explained to Madelyn how the word “boned” could be mistaken for something inappropriate. 

Me: Oh no, baby. I was just laughing because the “boned” part is unintentionally funny. But I mean it that it’s a great game. You did a wonderful job. When is this due?

Madelyn: Tomorrow.

Me: Okay, so let’s come up with something other than “boned”.

She settled on “old”. When two pieces end up on the same place, they get “old”.

It’s not nearly as funny, but way more appropriate.

I’m not saying these things make me a bad grandma. I don’t always suck. I’m pretty far from perfect, but that’s okay with me. Pretty sure it’s okay with Madelyn as well.

 

Image by Dina Dee from Pixabay

 

 

 

I’m Laughing Until The End

My mom and I (and assorted others) have been taking weekend walks. We needed it. It’s good to spend actual time with Martha.

Martha has decided that no matter what happens in November, she was going to laugh. We would laugh.

Sure, the election could be really bad, but as long as we are here, we’re going to find ways to laugh.

I’m totally with Martha on this. We might as well.

Laughing is almost always better than crying. Almost.

We’re days away, you guys.

No matter how this plays out, it’s going to be stressful. There isn’t anything we can do about this. Bad shit will happen. We just have to watch out for each other and hope for the best possible outcome.

Okay, so it is stressful now. For those of us isolating, it’s fucking weird. It just is. I mean, we’re fine. But it’s still fucking weird.

We’ve been mostly isolated for 8 months now. We don’t visit and we don’t have visitors. It’s just not a thing.

So, yesterday, I open the front door, and I see this.

The visitor, a halloween cat, mentioned in I'm Laughing Until The End

I stared at it for a minute, then called for Randy and Joey to come and see. They wanted to know what I was talking about.

There was just no way I would be able to describe this without sounding like a crazy person.

Randy and Joey and I stared through the storm door at the stuffed Halloween cat and discussed the possibilities.

Randy: Is this a political message or something?

Me: Well if it is, it’s a targeted message. I can’t imagine any local candidate with thousands of those stuffed cats. That doesn’t seem reasonable at all.

Joey: Yeah, this is freaky. There’s a note in the bucket.

I went out and got the note and this is what the note said.

I called my sister and asked if they left anything on our porch. She said “Maaaaaybe. Mom wrote the note.”

I told her it was the best Halloween trick ever but actually did freak us out a bit.

That made my mom super happy.

What I’m trying to figure out now, is who to pass this along to and how we could pull it off.

Our Halloween will consist of attending the virtual Erma Bombeck Writer’s Workshop. I was selected to perform stand up again which is so exciting. It’s virtual and two minutes, so you know, super easy. I’m not terribly nervous, but have no idea how it will turn out. I’m sure I’ll tell you all about it next week.

We’re also celebrating with The Madison’s on their new single release, The Universe Inside.

Also, the Bass Player was in a band called Bone Simple. This single, Conspiracy, is being released.