Thanks to my friend from Swamp Gas and Moonlit Reflections, I have learned that there is such a thing as ‘breatharians’. Breatharians believe they can sustain themselves by gazing at the sun. No food. No water. No gin and tonics. Nothing. Just sunlight.
I fucking love reading about this shit because it makes me feel better about myself. Sure, that might be emotionally immature, but who cares! I can eat waffles if I want!
Imagine if you worked with a breatharian:
You: Hey, where do you want to go to lunch today?
Breatharian: You’re such a dick.
You: It’s raining out, does that mean you’re on a diet?
Breatharian: You are so insensitive! I got rain water in MY MOUTH.
You: So, you can’t have a midnight snack, can you?
Breatharian: I hate you.
Honestly, I wouldn’t be too worried about getting a breatharian mad. I have to imagine they’re weak.
From what I read breatharians are one of two things: Liars or dead.
I think being a cupcakearian would be so much better than being an breatharian. Sure, it would shorten your lifespan if you subsisted totally on cupcakes, but you’d last longer than a breatharian and you’d get cupcakes. All the time.
You could could become one with your ganache and tell people the tingling in your hands and feet is not caused by diabetes, but rather the exciting rush that one physically feels when communing with the cupcake.
My work friend, who has cruelly abandoned me just because she had surgery, has a little sister who makes some bad ass cupcakes. I have had these for my last three birthdays.
Sure, they might be decorated with fangs or Justin Beiber, but who cares? A cupcake is a goddamn cupcake.
Little sister is the one who told me what ganache is. I don’t come from fancy cupcake people. We made ours from a mix and topped with canned icing. I just called the center of my birthday cupcakes chocolate orgasms but she assures me that it is ganache.
It’s possible that I haven’t completely thought this whole lifestyle through. Still, makes more sense that ingesting sunlight through your eyeballs for sustenance.
I also have this advice and even though I’m not a scientist or a doctor, I feel very secure in dispensing this advice: Don’t stare at the sun! It’s all burny and your eyeballs will melt and no matter how long you look, you are still going to want a sandwich.
Besides the three meals, and the snacks, and the desserts, and the beverages, I am a breatharian.
Oh man…I guess I am too then. Maybe a lapsed breatharian or a nonpracticing breatharian?
laughed
out
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BUT IM A JERKYitarian and we do that.
Hahahaah..I like it…Jerkytarian. Is that both jerk and jerky or all jerky or jerky with a little jerk?
Seriously, who thinks of this crap? Maybe they get satisfaction from the smell of their skin burning to a crisp.
I am totally down with being a cupcakearian though. Especially if I can have the chocolate orgasm.
The chocolate filled cupcakes are amazing. I can only eat one because they’re so rich…but I always want to eat all of them. I share so that I don’t end up making myself sick.
I’m starting a new group, we’re called bourbon and chocolatearians!
I love that group!
I’ve always wanted a chocolate orgasm — I just didn’t realize it until I read your post.
Hahahah…who wouldn’t? I mean, other than the breatharians.
I was looking up this guy in India who claims to have eaten nothing since 1940 so I could tell you about him, and sure enough, he’s a breatharian.
http://www.livescience.com/8224-indian-mystic-claims-eat-70-years.html
He claims to only gargle a little water every morning, but eat no food at all. They examined him two different times in a hospital (the second time for 15 days) and said he didn’t seem to be eating anything, although during the first examination, which lasted a week, he did lose some weight, causing them to doubt his story.
I think I’d like to be a burritoarian with occasional pastafarian leanings.
Sara, my cupcake connection, is still having health issues, so I haven’t seen her for a while, but she does make those cupcakes you are talking about; the ones that are like chocolate fudge brownies, but with caramel in the middle…
My cupcake maker is called Sarah, too!
ohh..and thanks for the link…interesting.
Ooh a pastafarian…where do I sign up?
I’m thinking the first criteria for breatharianism is to be a convincing liar. We’re not dandelions, people.
I would rather be a cookietarian. There would be branches for followers of Oreo, chocolate chip, peanut butter,etc.
I could be a cookietarian, too. That sounds almost as good as cupcakes.
Of course I’m going to be the one to really analyze this…but if they’re getting their nourishment from the sun, wouldn’t that make them “solarian” rather than “breatharian”? I just say that because if you’re going to be weird, you should at least be accurately weird.
Oh, and I’m a BoozeNBaconarian. (I also have a cardiologist on speed dial.)
One would think…and I could be wrong..I based that comment on one rationalwiki article.
I am on board with the boozenbaconarian lifestyle. Can I borrow your cardiologist?
I want in on the boozenbaconarian lifestyle. Maybe with a side of cheese.
This conversation is like coming home to the mother ship. I’ve found my people.
YES! We’re fun.
Cheese. And some water. We need to hydrate. at least a few times a day.
Yep. Yesterday was #WCW, and I don’t mean #WomanCrushWednesday. I mean #WineAndCheeseWednesday.
Mmmmm…wine gives me a headache, though. I love it..I just can’t drink it.
Cheesandcarbarian here. Side of vodka, please.
I’m definitely a carbarian..
Oh my gosh. I might be a fancy cupcake person. Actually no I used to be. Now it’s all about pies. I’m super into hand pies now.
Pie!!! I LOVE pie. I really want pie.
Those cupcakes sound amazing – I would definitely be considered a cupcakearian or chocolatearian.
Have the best day !
Me
They are…If you weren’t on the other side of the world, I would share them with you!
Exactly! It’s a lifestyle! Not an addiction!