It’s the holidays and we all need a clean house for Christmas, right? Why isn’t there a Christmas song about a woman who needs to clean her house and it looks like it won’t happen in time for the holidays and then a miracle happens and her kids start picking up after themselves? Top of the charts, right there.
Seriously, Christmas is breathing down our necks. Does your teenage son’s bathroom smell like a gerbil cage? Is there still flour on your kitchen floor from where you made cookies three days ago? When people walk into the kitchen, are you hearing ‘it smells like garbage in here’ with more frequency?
Writing about cleaning is more fun than actually cleaning. Also, we can consider this my gift to you. Tips on how to make your house mostly not suck. I can teach you to clean your house in no time. I’m like the Mary Poppins of cleaning house, other than I don’t sing annoying songs and I can’t fly. Which sucks. The not being able to fly part, not the annoying song part. Full disclosure here: I’m also really not great at the whole ‘house cleaning’ thing.
Anyway, here are your cleaning pointers:
1. Remove yourself from as many chores as possible: For instance, have the foresight to get sick before the cleaning hour arrives. For instance, the last time I planned to clean out under the kitchen sink, I was fighting a sinus infection. Randy had to take over. The possibility of killer mold was too dangerous in my weakened condition.
2. Clean the fridge in stages:. When you remove all the food from the fridge, take a break and play a round of ‘Is That Safe To Eat’ bingo. Remove shelves that appear to be permanently affixed by jelly, syrup or possibly candied jalapeno juice and give them to someone else to actually clean.
Whine about cleaning the fridge door. Cleaning the fucking fridge door sucks. The fridge door is where all the orphan food ends up. Plus, when you try to put it all back the goddamn jars won’t all fit. How the fuck did they fit to begin with? If they sit in there long enough do they defy the natural order of things and expand and contract to fit together like sticky olive legos?
You expect to see hair in the bathroom when you clean it..but don’t be alarmed if you find hair in your fridge..it’s only the hair that used to be in your food.
If you find you are able to dislodge a chunk of caramel topping completely intact from the fridge shelf, it doesn’t matter how good it looks, don’t eat it. Don’t. Do. It.
3. Justifiable Homicide: If your husband makes up a song about the spider crawling on the ceiling while you’re cleaning the kitchen, you should get to stab him. Seriously. Who wants to hear a song about a spider jumping on your head while you’re cleaning? Or ever? Plus, after two decades, some of the made up songs grate the tiniest of bit. And that one thing he does where he sings everything I say? His biggest present I give him every year is not stabbing him.
4. Acceptance: Everything doesn’t have to be perfect. Good enough is good enough. Accept that your lazy Susan is embarrassing..they always are. Just clean that shit out and you’ll be done with it until it’s embarrassing again. Usually takes about a year in my house.
5. Offerings: When you pull out your stove and fridge to clear under/behind/beside them you might want to consider offering up a small prayer to the god or goddess of your choice. Or sacrifice a goat. It depends on how long it’s been since you pulled them out. You might want to contact Father Brennan and Father Spiletto just to be safe.
6. Take Breaks: If you’re going to do a full on, ceiling to floor cleaning, you have to take breaks. Chances are, you’re going to have to burn a weekend day or, and this is sad, a vacation day. You have to have a little fun. Drink some coffee! Listen to music! Wait until Noon and then have a drink! As the day goes on, the cleaning will get easier. Because the more you drink, the quicker ‘good enough is good enough’ will get there.
And there you have it..follow these tips and cleaning probably won’t be any easier at all, actually.
Here’s what I’m doing as far as cleaning for the holidays: Not inviting anyone to my house.
Problem solved.
Sister I hear you… I have my fussiest friend… A gay perfectionist over-achiever who just came 3rd In Australia and he’s 56! He’ll be staying in a relatively dust and cobweb free spare room and eating off the same non- shiny plates as the rest of us
Our plates aren’t shiny, either. And you can throw them away when you’re done!
I pulled out my TV and cleaned around the spaghetti factory back there for the first time in, oh I don’t know, maybe six years? It was horrifying and apparently also my cats cache for pilfered items.
Yeah…When I did clean out behind the fridge and stove…holy hell..
Great tips, I’ve used them for a lifetime and now I have a housekeeping service, which is the very best way to clean house for the holidays!
I would love a housekeeping service…
I’m following the “work so much you’re never home to enjoy* being at home” plan. This plan also has a downfall, I’m exhausted and always on the verge of being sick….
(*make a mess)
Have a great christmas and keep up the wonderful blogging.
Oh..that is a tough option to take!
And thank you so much! You have a great Christmas too!!
I’ve come to the conclusion that the reason there are so many house fires during the holiday season is because people don’t want to clean.
Let’s face it: ashes are easier to get rid of than the gunk under the refrigerator.
I have not considered that as an option…but I can see the attractiveness
We have similar problem solving skills. My husband has to work Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, so I don’t need to cook or clean. Honestly, the cat couldn’t care less if the house is a mess, and he appreciates the crumbs. (He does get rather excited by the annual clean behind the appliances event, though, as he gets a bonanza of new/old toys.) Merry Christmas!
I should have thought of that technique with my kids when they were small.
“Remove shelves that appear to be permanently affixed by jelly, syrup or possibly candied jalapeno juice and give them to someone else to actually clean.”
Have I told you lately that I love you?
It’s been a few days. I was feeling insecure. HAHA.
XXXOOO
Hahahaha! Funny how we have the same solution to housekeeping… Uncanny. Plus your tips are brilliant.
Oh, and what’s also uncanny? My husband does that “made-up song” thing also. ALL the time. Since it’s usually in response to something ridiculous (meaning his standards can be ridiculous so he gets frustrated all the time; hence the songs), I tend to laugh at him. 🙂
I have a series of responses when Randy sings my words back to me. I start with a glare and a ‘that’s so not funny’. Unless we’re in the car and I’ve heard it a thousand times, then I go right to ‘WOULD YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP”?
Oh. My. GOD.
All of this post. All of it. Truthiness!
The second point is so spot on for my house. Do you also get the “Nooooooo! Don’t throw that away, it’s still good!”
*eyebrow arch*
Dude. This has been in the fridge for over a month. I’m not sure what it started life as, but its current format is jellied.
Just…no.
Anywho…Have a wonderful holiday, you. Don…Err, try not to stress. Think happy thoughts. And, as my daughter always reminds me when she has reached the Irritation Limit, homicide is still largely illegal.
😀
Hahahah..nope…no, we’re both ready to throw something out if it’s questionable. As things tend to get in my fridge.
I’ve been seriously considering doing some major house cleaning/decluttering over my holiday vacation days. Ah, but who am I kidding? Merry Christmas, Michelle!
kd
Merry Christmas to you too!!! And forget about the cleaning. Have a drink instead.
My technique: move.
Seriously. Every house has a best-before date, after which it becomes pretty much impossible to clean. At this point, the only logical choice is to pack up the possessions you still like, give away or sell the rest, and get your ass out of there.
Double advantage: do this at Christmas time, and you won’t have to host anything, since you can claim you’re not done packing/unpacking yet.
It’s extreme…but I LIKE it! It might take a lot to convince Randy that it’s time to go.
Brilliant, all the way around… not to mention funny as hell.
Now that we’re (ahem) older… I’ll leave it at that… my cleaning plan involves locking our doors, going to visit our kids and grandkids over the holidays, and leaving our cats to rearrange the dustballs around here.
I love that plan! I know I can clean entire rooms just by shutting the door.
Santa doesn’t care about a clean house. Relatives won’t notice when there’s so many of them there. Why sweat it? Although your tips are wonderful!
Thank you! And even Santa would notice my son’s bathroom. It’s pretty bad.
Ahhh, I needed a laugh today, thanks!!!! I could write you a whole 10-verse cleaning song, but I’m fresh out of ‘funny’ right now.
We had about 45 family-type people at our house Saturday night, so I’ve been in the kitchen for like the last 20 days straight, making all the food. Which, yes, I enjoy, I GUESS. But it felt a little like December didn’t happen. And I haven’t shopped yet. At. All.
As for the whole cleaning-for-a-giant-party thing? I solved that by having the party after dark. With lots of candlelight. Because, TAH-DAH–Cobwebs don’t show in candlelight, and no one can see that, yes, there is probably cat hair on the carpet. And the chair. Hopefully not in the fridge, but I’m not promising anything.
Yesterday I was still vacuuming, washing dishes, and cleaning chocolate hand-prints out of the upstairs carpet, left by one of the children of one my husband’s distant cousin’s sons, who we’ve never actually met, but who showed up anyway (whaaat?), even though his mom was a no-show because of some new drama with her 7th husband. I still don’t know the son’s wife’s name…although she *was* charming enough to stage whisper to him (while standing directly behind me) “YOU TELL HER”, when she learned it was my carpet her kids were covering in chocolate.
I’ve solved the remaining daylight hours until January by stocking up on Fireball and Vanilla Vodka, although I do need to skip starting early tonight, because we have to go to the mall to shop for the kids, and that’s probably not a good idea if you’re drunk off your ass. Or, wait…
Merry Christmas my dear! Here’s to lots of candelight. *clinks glass*
HAHAHA..Oh man…now THAT is a party.
Merry Christmas to you, too gorgeous!!
Yeah. It’s not a party til someone gets chocolate on the carpet.
Funny. The older we get, the more boring our “most exciting party moments” get.
No one passed out or puked or fell off the deck, or anything. Yep. Old.
haha. Yep..no injuries? The party is a success!
I’ve gotten a lot better lately about tossing stuff from the fridge before it a) gains sentience or b) becomes a permanent installation, but I don’t dare venture behind the fridge and the stove in our apartment. I’ve seen House on Haunted Hill, I know what happens when you set that kind of darkness free.
I have also learned that shelf paper hides a multitude of sins.
It’s the vegetable drawer that is scariest in my fridge. Well..that and anything sticky that can leak WILL get knocked over in the fridge. It’s like a rule in my house.
Oh, the vegetable drawer. I really want a fridge where the vegetable drawer has a clear top so I actually REMEMBER there’s food in there before it turns to mush.
Yep. fridge soup. yummy.
Ha! I just married a man who is OCD and therefore does all the cleaning before he leaves for work in the morning, the moment he gets in, before going to bed. Get the picture? I love that man!!!!
and THAT is how it’s done.
You’re supposed to pull out your stove and fridge to clear under/behind/beside them? No way. What happened to “good enough is good enough”?
I think my curiosity got the better of me. I won’t be doing THAT again, I can tell you..
You know what helps with cleaning? MOAR ALKOHOLLLL!
My cleaning plan for the holiday is to travel and let other people host. I almost dread the 12 hour drive more than cleaning. But only almost.
That is a long freaking drive…
Cleaning the fridge is a job I don’t do often enough as I hate doing it although mostly I do try and keep a clean fridge if only I could teach my daughter to do that as her fridge is usually disgusting
Yeah, mine is pretty bad right now. I am going to have to clean it this weekend.
I hate when the “It smells like garbage in here” comment comes from someone else living in the house. You don’t need my permission to take out the garbage. I still think the best cleaning solution is to burn the house down and start from scratch.
That’s a valid option. I mean…it will work.
I wouldn’t trip too hard about the state of your house, Michelle. I’ll tell you a little story from my days doing home delivery of appliances for perspective’s (and humor’s) sake.
We were installing a range in San Francisco one day, and hauling away the old one, and the woman who lived there apologized for not having cleaned house before we got there. It looked clean to me, and I told her not to worry about it. The old range, though, was a mess, as many of them are. After disconnecting it and strapping it to the dolly, we tipped it back and began rolling it toward the door. That’s when something started leaking from the back of it. That something, Michelle, was cockroaches, which the poor, mortified woman began stomping on as fast as she could to keep them from crawling away and further infesting her house. We just got it out of there as quickly as possible and went on with the delivery as best we could.
We found all kinds of things behind and under old appliances, not all of which were disgusting: We found many examples of children’s first attempts at art beneath and behind refrigerators, and once we found more than $26 in change in a dryer we hauled away from some lawyers in Berkeley.
Oh god…that makes me shudder. Ew ew ew ew ew….
Wouldn’t mind the change, though..change is always good.
i usually start doing something else like wrapping presents or playing DJ while I convince Penny that both things need to be done, and the sooner she finishes cleaning, the sooner she can start helping me wrap presents. This usually doesn’t work, but I try nonetheless. Merry Christmas Michelle!
Thank you!! And Merry Christmas to you,too.
That’s a pretty good strategy. I mean..for the times it works.
Oh my goodness, how fabulous “His biggest present I give him every year is not stabbing him.” I’m with you.
Of course I am reading this blog while taking a break from cleaning before Momus’ kids come over for Christmas Eve lunch. So very timely.
Have a wonderful Christmas.
Thank you! You have a wonderful Christmas, too.
Hey, my visions getting worse and no-one is coming round tomorrow so I guess it’s clean enough in here. Cheers!!
🙂
Merry Christmas to you and yours
I will think of you tomorrow and hope that my friend who is far away is having a pleasant day
We have the mystery hair all over our house….then I remembered; my husband is Greek. Mystery solved!
Hahahah!