Cole Porter was from Randy’s home town. So, I thought it appropriate to lift a Cole Porter lyric for this post title.
Randy and I experienced very different upbringings, other than we were both rather poor. Randy lived in the same house most of his life. My family moved all the time. My parents stayed together, Randy’s parents divorced when he was young. Randy was mostly raised by his mother.
I haven’t said much about my mother in law. Even 8 years after her death, her family finds it difficult to process that she’s not here. I miss her like crazy and I know how I feel doesn’t come close to how Randy and his sisters feel.
My mother in law and I didn’t have a hearts and flowers relationship. There was never any animosity, but we did find it easy to disagree with each other. We got along and rarely felt the need to express differing opinion, but it happened a few times.
When Randy’s family comes to visit, very often they come in groups. We had a various relatives staying with us one Summer weekend when we lived in central Ohio. I sat on our wrap around porch with my mother in law and a young family member.
This young woman talked about her boyfriend and shared that she was worried about sex. My mother in law gathered her to her side and held her there.
Mother in law: It will be magical your first time. You will always treasure it.
Me: Why are you lying to the girl?
Mother in law: I’m telling her the truth.
Me addressing the young woman: The first time is going to suck. In fact, the first hundred or so times will suck. It takes a while to find your stride. You just have to get that first time over with.
Mother in law: That’s not true! Don’t listen to her. It’s going to be wonderful for you.
Me: Santa’s not real either. Or the Easter bunny.
Why am I talking about sex? Because it’s Spring and it’s a time of renewal. Spring is when a young man’s fancy turns to booty. Spring is also when hormonal middle aged women think about sex. Have you noticed that? You get a little older and you realize that you appreciate your own damn self so much.
Sex feels really good, but you take it for granted for years. There are little kids underfoot. You have Cheerios dried up in your hair. 50% of the toilets in the house are stopped up and you find yourself wishing that Calliou would fall off a swing set and bash his stupid round head on some rocks. The last thing you want, is wild monkey sex.
Then years go by and the days of wearing your kid’s food have long turned to dust. You find yourself alone with your sweetie more evenings than not.
This is when we find ourselves all over again, just like we did in the beginning. Gravity hasn’t won the struggle yet, but gravity has made a few strides. Even though we change physically, think about how much more we know.
I’ve talked quite a bit about the physical changes taking place during menopause. But not really about the sex changes. So, I will discuss sex, in great and personal and graphic detail.
HAHAHAHAFUCKINGHAHAHAH. I would never do that.
Speaking of sex. The emotionally unavailable bad ass with a crossbow touched me today.
I wrote about possibly losing my chance to get tickets to Horrorhound this weekend.
I got the tickets.
My plan was to write about the pheromones pouring out of women who were waiting to see Norman Reedus….and I hoped, really hoped I would be posting a picture of myself with Norman Reedus. My pheromones were so excited. They couldn’t wait to get in the car.
Then, while I was tarting myself up, Randy comes into the bathroom and tells me that Norman Reedus cancelled.
Fucking really, Universe? I got the goddamn tickets and now this?
Turns out, Randy was misinformed. Norman Reedus was there. Norman and I talked, we connected in a profound way during the 9 seconds we were together. I waited in a cattle call line next to a scary number of sweaty, crabby people. I wore a Bad Music For Bad People t-shirt that I had been sweating in for hours.
Love is blind. Love also has no sense of smell. Norman smiled and it felt like we had known each other for years
Norman: Hey! I like The Cramps.
Me: Uhhhhhhhhh
Remember that scene in Christmas Story when Ralphie finally gets to sit on Santa’s lap after waiting in a line forever? He freezes.
My experience with Norman was very much the same as it was with Santa and Ralphie. Except with more drool.
All stories have a beginning, middle and end and Norman and I were at the end of our story and it felt like it had only started. Which is mostly accurate as the entire relationship lasted for 9 seconds. Even though it was brief, I could tell he didn’t want to let go.
Dammit, Norman. You are incredibly hot, but I love my husband.
I hated to break his heart.
He was also holding a fake boobie. I’m not sure why.
Just like A Christmas Story? Does that mean he kicked you in the face too? 😉
Sex is an interesting topic. Shocking to whip out, certainly (heh, whip out) but…I tend to leave my own personal details out. Of course, the people I know apparently never know when I’m telling the truth or not, so I could say literally anything to most of them and they’d have a similar shocked (or not) reaction.
Haha..no. No, he didn’t kick me.
At least you weren’t asking Mr. Reedus (I’m just too intimidated to ever call him “Norman”) for a BB gun, or, for that matter, anything other than that he be there and that he be nice. And he came through in spades.
And your first (let’s hope there will be more) meeting with him was kind of like having sex for the first time. It was scary, uncomfortable, intimidating, and over with much too soon, but it was also something you’d been looking forward to, and it gave you a sense of what to expect, and what you need to do to get more out of it the next time.
I hope Randy isn’t upset by this. I understand that it’s purely a metaphor, and he’s in no danger of ever having to give up the real thing.
Haha. No, Randy wouldn’t be upset. He and I are in this together.
Ah yes, tongue-tied in front of our heroes (heroines). Is there anyone in the world that s suave and cool and eloquent as a fan? Rhetorical question. I think not.
Yep…that was me..tongue tied.
Oh, I thought you provided the fake boobie. Hence the ear comment earlier. Thought you might like to start a collection ;p
HAHAHAAH…nope. I have no fake boobs.
Good for you, you got to meet Norman. That name will always be vaguely embarrassing to me, because of something I did in the 9th grade. We were reading parts of The Odyssey aloud in English class and it was my turn, and in the part where Odysseus is tricking the Cyclops by telling him his name is Noman, I mispronounced it as Norman. It wasn’t all bad, though, because it totally cracked up Diane, who had a crush on me at the time. Why I didn’t fall madly in love with her, I’ll never know.
Do you think that holding the fake boob was a way to remind himself to keep his hands off of the real ones? Because it would have been way more awkward had he been holding a real one, I would imagine.
Hahaha..had it been real..yes..that would have been awkward.
Want to hear something funny? Even though I’ve never watched “The Walking Dead” and only know about Norman Reedus from reading about him online, at the part where he commented on your t-shirt I gasped out loud and my heart skipped a beat. Because that is how I react to celebrities, even by proxy. I’m so glad you got to meet him!
I am too! Although it was over in a wink. And I don’t think I actually said a word to him. I’m a dweeb
Evil Step Monster:
So, I will discuss sex, in great and personal and graphic detail.
HAHAHAHAFUCKINGHAHAHAH. I would never do that.
Me:….beg to differ.
HAHAHAHA..on my blog…my blog. With you? Well…we both know how that goes.
Ha ha ha, shall I go get some popcorn for this?
After 4 years of celibacy I try not to think about it, but the cougar is fighting to come out! Shame there are no decent men that are single, heterosexual and likely to be interested in me in my peer group.
They know not what they are missing. Dumbasses.
Okay, here’s the ultimate acting-like-an-idiot-in front-of-a-celebrity story. Back in the late 80s I was living in Charlottesville, Virginia. There were several then A-list movie stars living in the area.
I was working at a record store that had two locations. One of my tasks was to transport new deliveries and returns between the two stores. We had a pickup truck for this. And one morning I got in a fight with my boss and then promptly when out and dinged up the truck. So I was in quite a state.
I drive to the other store with a delivery and as I walk in I see a guy looking at records and he looks really familiar. He’s a little skinny guy with kind of bad skin, older, and I’m thinking he must be some old local pothead I met at a party and he was going to say hi, and I didn’t remember his name.
So I stomped by, pretending I hadn’t seen him and when I got up to front counter I started ranting to the clerk about my awful day. And then I look up and the guy is standing there, eyes wide, watching me rant. I glare at him and growl, “Can I help you?”
He shakes his head, eyes still wide, and murmurs, “No, I’m good.” And suddenly I realize where I know him from. It’s Sam Shepard, A-list movie star and playwright. Remember the movie “The Right Stuff”?
The first—and only— time I meet a genuine celebrity. And I yelled at him.
You didn’t yell at Norman. You did great.
HAHAHA…OMG, that is a great story.
So. . . . Was Randy REALLY mistaken about Norman Reedus canceling, or was it just his hope/method for getting a rise out of you? I mean, men have this sick sixth sense about knowing when other men are moving in on their — ahem — “territory,” &, by your own admission, you had to remind him that “you love your husband.” 😉 LOL.
You’re very entertaining. 😉 Thank you for these few moments. LOL. Seriously.
Nah, it was an honest mistake on his part. Norman did cancel for Sunday..Randy just saw cancel and didn’t bother reading the rest, I guess.
Why do people lie to young women? It makes no sense to say the first time will be amazing or that you will forget the pain of childbirth.
Sex is so much better midlife. More intimate and I think we are more confident.
I have no idea. I mean, I don’t tell horror stories to people experiencing their first pregnancy because I think that is cruel..but the sex thing? If you tell them how great it will be and then it’s not, then they might think it’s THEM and not understand that these things take time..
Looks like an amazing time and I am probably the only one in the world who has no clue who he is…sad for me!!! I got your post by email this morning so it must be fixed!
Yay! Thank you! And yes, I did have a good time. 🙂
Are you going to hunt me down and beat me senseless if I tell you I have no idea who that guy is with the fake boobie? He IS quite cute, however. #beard #dirtyboys
You speak the absolutely trufe about sex. And I still have cheetos in my hair because cheetos.
He plays Daryl on The Walking Dead. He was also Murphy MacManus on The Boondock Saints. If you haven’t seen that movie..you really need to, it’s awesome.
When I was 19, I worked in the same building as Y-100 in South Florida. Michael J. Fox did an interview with them, and I waited, with other women, to meet him. When he stepped out of the elevator, I rushed up to him and froze. He took over, signed an autograph, and I stood there thinking, “He is my height. That’s really short for a guy.”
Hahahah…I’m glad I’m not alone.
Clearly the plastic boobie was his way of saying how much he wanted you and that he would remember those 9 seconds until all the silicone in Hollywood had decomposed…
He is SOOO romantic!!
The first man I did it with it was horrible and I couldn’t believe that’s what the fuss was about. The second one–I loved him and it wasn’t perfect at first but just the body contact. Then….it became incredible
yep…it just takes a while to figure out what we like..then find someone who wants to take the time to do it right.
Is it sad that I had to google who Norman Reedus is? He didn’t look remotely familiar in the photo with him. I guess the problem is I don’t watch that show. *shivers at the idea of zombies* Oh, and good on you telling that young family member the truth.
I think Norman was sad because he knew I was leaving him forever as soon as the picture was taken.
Wow. I have this (really expensive!) photo of myself with William Shatner. Our relationship lasted just àbout as long as yours with fewer words. He smiled and nodded at me and I proceeded to lose my shit after exiting the booth.
Hahah…yeah…it was a pricey picture..but I’ve never done anything like this before and it’s not going to be a habit, so I don’t feel bad about it.
HAHAHA I love you! I’ve only ever met one (semi) celeb face-to-face, because I happen to be (sort of) related to him. He’s the super-tall German guy from Funny People, who played the German-accented doctor. He was in The Big Lebowski, too, but I haven’t seen it…
He’s married to my cousin’s half-sister, so that makes him my…half-cousin-in-law?
He’s charming and smart, and SO tall. I happened to sit down across the table from them at a family wedding a few years back, and our whole conversation was this:
Me: Hi.
Him: So…Steffffffanie. Vat doo you thinnnk about Saraaahhh Paaaalin ?
Me: *nothing*
I think I spilled some BBQ on my shirt though… Fortunately we did take a family portrait, so I can prove that we totally are related, even though our political stars didn’t align.
PS– I have missed my father-in-law everysingleday for 16-1/2 years, too, so you’re not alone there…
Hahahaha…that is awesome, sister.
I am sorry you are missing your father in law..but I’m glad you loved him. I adored my mother in law, even though we often drove each other nuts, there was a lot of affection as well.