Randy says I have too many food rules.

HAHAHAH. That’s not even close to being true. If I had too many food rules, I would have NEVER had to shop at the fat girl stores.

You learn things about each other after spending years together. Or at least you SHOULD learn things about each other. I think keeping track of a few tiny little food rules for your significant other isn’t asking much after 18 years.

The other humorous thing about Randy saying I have too many food rules is that he has a jillion times more food rules than I do.

This is typical behavior for us: If we are considering eating a restaurant that we haven’t been to before, then I go in first and sniff.

Yep…not even lying about that.

I go in and sniff to see if smells at all like vinegar or melted cheese. If I determine there is an unacceptable level of stench, then I go out and tell Randy we’ll have to find someplace else. This is not due to MY food rules. This is because Randy is a wussy when it comes to those smells and it will make him nauseous.

Mostly, it’s vinegar smells. Irish pubs are always iffy and forget a deli that smells like sauerkraut, that’s right out. The melted cheese thing has only happened once at a fondue restaurant.

He won’t eat anything that has mayo in it, unless he eats something where he doesn’t KNOW there is mayo in it and he’s fine. He even likes it. That has happened for more often than he knows. Until just now.

If the food is green and good for you, he is repulsed by it. That is until the night he got buzzed and ate the sauteed asparagus that I had made. Now he loves asparagus. All those other green vegetables though, they still suck.

I could go on..

Here are the very few food rules that I have that Randy never remembers even though they are very simple rules.

Toast: You can put butter on toast for me, but don’t assume you know how or when to apply jelly. It’s really best that you just don’t put jelly on the toast but IF YOU DO, these are the egg rules. Fried eggs = NEVER NEVER any jelly. Scrambled eggs = Jelly is okay, but never grape or orange marmalade. That doesn’t mean that I don’t like orange marmalade. But whether or not I feel like orange marmalade is something that can change day to day. Just because I liked it that ONE time, doesn’t mean I like EVERY time. And there is no need for us to have the ‘you love orange marmalade’ argument ever again.

Donuts: Jelly filled with sugar coating is best. Icing will do, but it will probably be scraped off and half the jelly will be squeezed out. OH! That reminds me, on the toast? Big glops of jelly is disgusting. Not too much and thinly spread. Back to donuts. Chocolate icing on a yeast donut is fine. NEVER EVER a chocolate cake donut with chocolate icing. Cinnamon twists are always a solid choice.  And NO fucking cream filled. Cream filling is creepy. How is it so hard to remember that cream filled donuts suck?

Now I want toast and jelly and donuts. I went sugar free 17 days ago, no toast or donuts for me.

I say my rules are not at all unreasonable. It’s just matter of what people LIKE. I suspect that ours are fairly tame. I bet some of y’all have some fucked up food rules. What are they?