That doesn’t stop me from occasionally checking them out because who doesn’t want to see which celebrities have recently dyed their tongues purple and collect headless stuffed animals? I rarely get through the whole article, though, because by the third slide, I am annoyed as fuck.
Goddammit, they moved the next button. Aaaand now I’m on a page asking for my information for cheaper car insurance. Fuck slide shows.
Anyway, I saw a headline that said “These images will make your eyes bleed”. I don’t know why I clicked on something that could potentially make me cry like a statue of a martyred saint, but I did.
It was pictures of celebrity women wearing bikinis with a little line of pubic hair peeking out of the top of their bikini bottoms.
Seriously, these were perfect little tufts of lady garden hair.
Make your eyes bleed? The sight of a woman’s pubic hair is nefarious and powerful enough to cause an ocular explosion?
I mean, maybe the pictures got worse, I don’t know. I only looked at the first slide. I don’t remember who the celebrity was, but the bush image was so adorable I wanted to name it fluffy and buy it a water dish.
It’s goddamn hair, people.
Humans are supposed to have hair. Yet what do so many of us do? We scrape a razor over half of our body to remove hair that nature has decided should be there.
Why do we do this? Why? It’s dumb. Well, I mean other than causing all that eye bleeding. But other than that, why have we decided to devote so much time an energy removing hair from our bodies? Because it is aesthetically pleasing to other people? Who gives a fuck? You know who doesn’t have to look at my hairy legs? People.
But no, we can’t do that, can we? Because we live in a patriarchal society and the patriarchy would lose it’s shit if we all decided to just stop shaving our legs, our pits, and our bikini areas. The patriarchs would claim we were ruining relationships, that we boil puppies, and are the cause of most pancreatic cancer.
I say we stop. We shall claim our power and embrace our hirsute selves with love and acceptance.
I’m only saying this because I’m tired of the relentless shaving in the summer. I put off the de-yeti process way longer than usual this year. It was only my annual trip to the lady doctor that got my razor in gear.
Well, actually it was Randy’s razor. He loves it when I use his razor. He also enjoys it when our 19 year old son takes his socks without asking and getting his fingers pinched in doors.
If we could all just collectively agree that we are no longer going to shave, then we can be free. And by free, I mean, I would rather stand in the shower and get lost in steam and thoughts without the distraction of shaving with a razor that is more than likely dull.
So, just let me know the date and we can all put down our razors and stand together as nature intended!
Seriously, let me know the date because I don’t want to do this by myself. I’ll probably buy a bathing suit with shorts for bottoms. Just in case.