The original meaning of the word slut: Woman with low standards of cleanliness.
I am about to make all of you feel better about your housekeeping skills.
I complained about cleaning bathrooms before. I’ve complained about the difficulty in getting the teenage boy to clean up after himself.
Mostly, I pretend the main bathroom doesn’t exist. I only acknowledge the bathroom presence when we’re having company or when the gerbil smell becomes over-powering. The main bathroom is Joey’s domain and 17 year old boys are disgusting.
Sure, they are gorgeous and funny and intense, but they are also disgusting.
Anyway, I’ve not ventured into the main bathroom for quite a while. I was unaware that something had actually sprouted and began growing out of the sink drain.
Yes, you read that right. I had something growing in my sink drain. I am pretty sure that wins me a spot on the housekeeping wall of shame.
Joey discovered the seedling and planted in a small pot. I am not sure what type plant grows in the pot, but the plant appears to be kind-of-thriving.
The funny thing about this? I saw that little pot sitting on the table on my deck. I assumed Joey had planted something in it and didn’t think anything of it. Randy and I were sitting outside when Joey came out and told me where the plant came from. My initial reaction was ‘Oh’. Then I went back to staring at the dead trees in my back yard.
A few hours later, I had this thought: Dude, a plant was growing in your sink. In. Your. Sink. Maybe that Spring cleaning you put off needs to happen.
So far, the only Spring cleaning I’ve done is to write this blog post.
It is Saturday and we’re going to my nephew’s birthday party tonight. I woke up way too early this morning and I’m convinced that a nap is in order. I also have some extreme loafing to do. All not conducive to a thorough Spring cleaning.
Maybe tomorrow.
A scenario played through my brain as I wrote this. This would cause a flurry of articles written about ‘when bloggers go too far’ or ‘how some things should be kept to yourself’ or ‘Nobody sucks that much at housekeeping’. This dark little fantasy almost kept me from hitting ‘publish’, but then I thought…eh…fuck it.
Oh, and if that little plant turns out to be weed, then baby boy is in trouble.
My boyfriends has this guy in his social circle who once dropped a jar of hummus in front of his fridge and then never cleaned it up until it started to grow this big hairy fungus that he kept shaving the top off every time he opened his fridge.
He once brought appetizers to a New Years eve party.
Yeah.
Ok I don’t want to suggest that one had anything to do with the other, just that nobody in a right mind would eat anything that guy had made with his hands… in that kitchen.
Reminds me of the Seinfeld episode where Kramer had a garbage disposal installed in his shower and he started preparing food while in the shower. 🙂
I did not watch that show..but I know who the character is..that just sounds like brilliant time savings to me.
I already don’t like eating food at potlucks, like at work…
Oh god..I don’t think my kid would do that. I think he would clean up the hummus. That’s just vile.
Ha Ha HaHahahahahaha This is hysterical. My niece lived with us for three years and she & my daughter kept the most vile bathroom. Ever. Nothing ever sprouted in their bathroom but that may have been due to the fact that every couple of days I would reach in through the cracked door and spray Lysol.
I should totally start doing that.
Isn’t that what they made those automatic shower cleaners for? Every few days they are supposed to spritz or something. You don’t have to crack the door. Hang one in each of the four corners timed to spritz at the same time and hope the boy isn’t on the pot (ha ha) when the spritzers go off.
I would count him getting spritzed as a bonus.
HAHAHAHAHA! My 9-yr-old granddaughter is way worse than her two older brothers! She is the worst slob and mess maker that I have ever seen! I don’t know how that girl will ever survive living on her own. Her room is worse than her bathroom. Her college roomates will kill her.
haha. Yeah..my kids come by it honestly. I’m a slob, too. NOT that bad though..
You always make me crack up!!! And the ending—perfect! 🙂
Haha..thank you. And it better NOT be weed.
Anyone who has shepherded boys into adulthood is laughing. I am. Well done.
Haha..yeah..they are often entertaining. I have two boys as well.
Do good old fashioned mold spores count? I’ve got a nasty window sill that needs a serious bleach treatment. I don’t want that little window to end up being the death of us all. And wouldn’t that be a hoot if it turns out to be weed! Your son just may have stumbled on to a whole new growing method! Haha! 🙂
Yeah, we had a little mold problem under our kitchen sink because of a leaking garbage disposal. THAT has been fixed, though.
I had a mushroom growing in mine once. Of course my bathroom needs to be gutted and redone but still – a freaking mushroom growing out of the crack between the wall and the floor.
I am so glad to NOT be alone in this…
I didn’t think there was anything else that could possibly make me feel better about my cleaning skills than watching hoarders. Then I found this. Thank you.
YES! I topped hoarders. err..wait..
My answer is “michele.” Yes, my housekeeper, Michele, does this for me. Because I simply will not. Nope. Won’t. Do. It.
I need a ‘Michele’
After reading this, I’ve never been happier not having children. Seriously, you are funny and I look forward to reading your posts!
Anita
Thank you so much!
There’s nothing better than starting the day with an etymology lesson. Seriously. I love going to the Oxford English Dictionary and looking up the origin of words. I had never connected “slut” and “slattern” before. “Slattern” is one of those words I don’t think gets used enough.
And speaking of words remember the definition of “weed” is “any plant that grows where you don’t want it”. When it was in your sink it was a weed. Now that it’s in a pot it’s a plant, so your son shouldn’t get in any trouble. Unless the plant IS pot. On the bright side at least he knows not to smoke the seeds.
When I was young my mother showed me that if you put a piece of bread in a jar with a little water and stick it under the sink it’ll grow mold. Because I loved science I thought this was really cool and for a while had at least three jars of different things growing mold at any time. My mother told people I was going to be the next Jonas Salk. I am SUCH a disappointment.
Hahah..I am pretty sure I’m a disappointment as well.
What is this mythical Spring cleaning of which you speak?
I still haven’t done it. Fuck it.
In the toast to the bride at my wedding my brother announced that Jimmy Hoffa had been buried in my room. So yeah, I get it.
Again..it’s like we’re sisters.
It’s June. Obviously Spring Cleaning will have to wait till next year. Also, I can’t wait to find out what kind of plant it grows up to be! LOL
I don’t know if we will ever know..it’s looking kind of puny.
I love that you shared this – what is it about being female that makes the world judge us by our housekeeping? I have gone without haircuts and deodorant so I could pay somebody to clean my house. It’s the only way I avoid growing things in my sink. Stay real and keep writing!
Thank you! I will! It’s more fun this way.
You had the old potato of sink drains. I live in a house full of boys and I don’t clean the bathroom NEARLY as much as I should. I’m too afraid. But every time I go in there I”m met with that horrible olfactory reminiscence of the Port Authority. It’s pretty damn disgusting.
Right? For us, it’s saw dust, urine, sweat and corn chips. Terrible smells.
Nothing wrong with chemical free gardening in the home.
See? That’s what I needed. A different perspective.
I remember the days of teenage boys and a bathroom. They were dark days. I prefer not to talk about them .
I think it’s safer that way..
ohhhh yes, teenage boys. I had one once and I agree they are disgusting. Cute and adorable, but disgusting for sure.
I am on my second one. They are equally disgusting. And adorable.
More power to the slut bergade it’s about time we come out of the closet . Better things to be doing than fucking cleaning .The dirt only comes back with a vengeance I got of that treadmill !!! And it’s your honesty that makes a slut like me feel a whole lot better
HOUSEKEEPING SLUTS UNITE!
Hilarious and relatable – what’s better!!
Thank you!!!
It’s a good thing my husband and I started hosting weekly game nights because it’s the only reason our bathroom ever gets cleaned.
It’s also the only reason I get out the vacuum other than when there’s a spider I can’t reach with a book.
Shame-cleaning. It works.
shame-cleaning. I LOVE it.
I detest bathroom cleaning, and put it off as long as possible. (A shower curtain drawn across the tub hides a multitude of sins.) I have heard of a drain sprouting, though. (You’re not alone, Michelle!) In that case, the culprit was a LUSH shampoo bar called Gentle Lentil (now discontinued). It contained actual lentils. One of them didn’t wash completely down the drain, the user went on vacation for a couple of weeks, and came back to a nicely sprouting plant at the end of her tub! A couple of current LUSH products contain aduki/adzuki beans — which could probably grow the same way!
So glad to hear from my tribe! And yes..the shower curtain cleans half the bathroom. haha.
No worries. In 12 days it will be summer and no-one has ever heard of summer cleaning so you will be off the hook.
The countdown is ON!
Love it, I hope it’s a rare exotic breed of something!
🙂
I shared a house with guys in my early twenties, there was a fridge monster, or to be more accurate a freezer compartment monster, which when I finally worked up the courage to defrost it so I could actually use it I found out what the hell the large ominous green thing was. It turned out to be what once used to be an avocado, not in a bag or anything, just slung in there randomly at some point in the distant past and gradually frozen into an ice block.
The bathroom…well I’ve pretty much blanked that from my mind. My more recent house share with men, before I managed to get this place, was on a level I can’t even begin to describe. You have many fathoms to plunge before reaching the depth of their sluttery, expert level and beyond.
Oh damn…it’s probably a good thing you’re blocking that shit..
I’ve had that happen too. If it makes you feel any better, in my case this plant grew 10cm overnight. It wasn’t there the night before, but in the morning it was. And it was growing out of the side of the drain proper, not the sink (which was clean for what it’s worth).
I have no idea how long this was growing, but I suspect, not long.
I now totally fear the future! I have 2 boys currently 4.5 and just turned 2. I know what they’re like at this young age when they really can’t clean up after themselves too much. ….what will they be like as apathetic teens?!
I’m going to guess yes. My two boys have COMPLETELY different personalities..other than they are both slobs. They have that in common.
I think you need to donate that little survivor to science! Also, spray bleach. No need to get drastic with the “scrubbing” just spray some bleach, slam the door and try to forget it.
P.S. you’re lucky you don’t need to think about bathrooms. Potty training a 2 year old is all about all the bathrooms, all the time in all the disgusting places. Enjoy loafing!
I don’t envy you with the potty training. I am so glad those days are done.
But what if it’s a rare blue Himalayan poppy? You’re going to be so rich.
I used to have like a Martha-Stewart level obsession with cleaning, where I’d actually be vacuuming UNDER THE PEOPLE WHILE THEY WERE STILL AT THE DINNER TABLE. Me to Guests: “Excuse me, could you lift your feet for a sec? Thanks.”
Not cool.
I’ve since toned it way down to the level of: Meh–just turn down the dimmer switch, and you won’t even notice all the dust/pet hair/worn out furniture.
Life’s better this way…and I get to spend the morning out on the deck (like right now) enjoying the breeze and the sunshine, instead of crawling around on my hands and knees cleaning dust bunnies off the underside of the fridge.
I have never been like that. I’ve always lived on the good side of slovenly with occasional trips to the dark side.
Yeah, that about describes it. Except my trip to the dark side was a one-way ticket. 😉
I kind of envy you that.
Pretty sure that extreme loafing is so exhausting that you get to take spring off and clean sometime in late summer. Now you’ll have time to be busy relaxing.
That is some brilliant thinking right there.
My friend Everett tells a story about when he was going to Stanford and living in a house full of teenaged boys, none of whom ever cleaned the shower stall, when, like Vanessa D. above, a mushroom grew out of the corner. He said that nobody ever bothered it, and it grew there for months…
No mushrooms yet..but I wouldn’t be surprised.
I’m a HOUSEKEEPING SLUT TOO, lmao…who would have thunk it!?
BK..I miss you like crazy..
My Mom found some kind of weed growing in the back floorboard of the first car I had. It was right underneath the High Times magazines I was “keeping for a friend”. Yeah, she didn’t buy that either. But in my defense it was the fucking 80’s and I was 18. Had me a good time too.
Yeah…I remember the 80s (maybe the 70s as well) But I didn’t get caught. haha.
Cleaning is a never ending thankless job–I just say no! Life is too short for that shit!
It IS too short for that shit.
It’s nice to know that we are not alone… ever. 🙂 I’m a slut level cleaner myself. There’s too many other things to do than to clean a place that I only sleep in. 🙂
hah! You are NOT alone. 🙂
My first house had carpeting in the bathroom and there were mushrooms growing behind the toilet.
That makes me feel better. We should combine and then we’d have a salad.
I would not eat that salad
I finally had to resort to buying a huge desk calendar and hanging it on the wall with chores listed for me and the (rather lazy) adult children who live with me. It seems to be working…kind of. I think it gives them a sense of accomplishment to cross their chore off the calendar each day. That doesn’t mean they do a great job with their chore – but baby steps.
THAT is a good idea!
Just catching up…what’s new with M?… uh, oh fuck that’s HILARIOUS!
Hilarious and weird and disgusting and disturbing on some level. And yet I enjoyed it. Sorta like I enjoy the movie “Fargo”. But we all have our yuck stories. Years ago in the land of marriage, when we were trying to sell our house, I discovered a loose ceramic floor tile in our bathroom. I pried it up. (Just don’t do that, folks.) Apparently a hidden water leak had transformed the floor boards into compost. I’m talking fluffy, earthy-smelling, portal to the woodland faerie world shit complete with critters. M, I don’t even go camping. After running around the house mortified and gagging, stunned at this revelation (was my tub about to fall through the floor for fuck’s sake?), I had my husband seal the tile with some adhesive product and turned my attention to packing. Yup. I know. Really irresponsible. Sigh. I won’t even venture into fridge/boys’ zone/other.
Hahaha…awesome! I would have done the same thing..I would have pretended I never saw it.