The Human Head Weighs 10 Pounds

Randy and I were driving back from the local farmer’s market and I was feeling all smug about my locally grown produce and just laid eggs.

I couldn’t wait to get the produce home so I could put it on my counter and wait for at least half of it to turn mushy and start to smell bad so that I could throw it away to make room for the locally grown produce that we’ll buy next week.

Something was thumping around in our trunk. I knew we unpacked everything from our trip, so there aren’t many things it could have been. That’s a lie. I have no idea if we have everything unpacked from our recent trip. 

Me: Are you carrying a body in the trunk?

Randy: Of course not. That’s just the head. A body would make a different noise. I was going to try to convince you that I joined a bowling league…but it’s a head.

Me: The human head weighs 10 pounds.

Randy:…

Me: That Jerry Maguire reference just went right over your head, didn’t it?

Randy: Yep.

Randy: You know how you say I’m a hoarder, right? I’m thinking about a head collection.

Me: I have to draw the line at human body parts. No hoarding human body parts. Or body parts from any species. Just no hoarding body parts. Or bowling balls. But if we have to choose, I’d pick bowling balls.

Me: Seriously, what is in the trunk?

Randy: No idea.

We stopped at the regular grocery to get stuff to make black and blue burgers and while we were there, I bought a personal size watermelon. We put it in the trunk.

Me: Okay, now that is what a human head would sound like if it rolled around in the trunk.

Turns out the other thing was just an overly ambitious bottle of water.

If Randy doesn’t make my black and blue burger today, then his head is going to be rolling around in the trunk.

27 Thoughts.

  1. Exchange between my sister (age 6) and my dad’s boss at dinner:
    Sister: You know how to lose ten pounds of ugly fat?
    Boss: How?
    Sister: Cut off your head.
    This was when I was two, as repeated in my family many, many times.
    My mom’s criminal-attorney boss defended a client once who hoarded a head… (Is it still hoarding if you only hoard one?) He had cut off the head and hands of his murder victim thinking that doing so would prevent the body from being identified. It didn’t. The cops caught him in southern Oregon after reports that he was showing the head to people after asking Do you want to see Ed’s head?
    What’s a black and blue burger?

  2. My grandmother once had a weird rattle in her car, and took it to the mechanic. She said it was “in the engine,” and pointed to the front of the car. She said it rattled when she came to a stop, and when she started back up again. The mechanic looked at it and said, “This is a Corvair. The engine is in the back.” (This was in 1960-something.) She made him look anyway, and he removed the empty Coke bottle from the trunk.

    I hope you enjoy your black & blue burger (my husband loves them; I like the blue part, but I’m not a huge fan of the Cajun seasoning). We’re having steak. Possibly with blue cheese, now that I have a craving for it.

  3. Ha ha ha ha, hope you got your black and blue burger as I’d miss Randy…and now I want a burger. Can you tell I’ve been drinking?
    🙂

  4. If your husband is still thinking about starting a human head collection, he may want to set it up in a place other than the car trunk. Space in there is limited.

  5. What a strict wife you are. NO hoarding of ANY body parts? What next? No burying the organs in the basement? You just suck the fun out of collecting, don’t you?

  6. you know what’s great to go with black and blue burgers? Martinis with blue cheese stuffed olives. Absolutely the best thing ever? Take a martini glass, swish some dry vermoth around…empty…get a shaker with Grey Goose (this martini is fancy, my standard Pinnacle doesn’t do it justice), ice and a splash of olive juice. Shake it ’til the outside of the shaker is actually frosted, then pour. Get a toothpick and put a blue cheese stuffed olive, an almond stuffed olive and another blue cheese stuffed olive.
    My friend Jenn introduced me to this…she calls it an “If I were President” martini.
    Okay, now I’m drooling.

  7. I know that sound (and I totally got the reference!). But I was going to say ‘CABBAGE’, until you said “watermelon”, because they’re just as rolly. (yes, that’s a word).

    Don’t you love the shelf life of fresh produce? Everything looks great at the market. Then you drive home, pull it out of the car, and it’s like ‘EAT ALL OF THIS RIGHT NOW’ because it’s already going bad. Strawberries are my personal favorite. They have a shelf life of zero. Eat them on the way home, is all I can say. And shop often.

    P.s. I’m back, I survived, and after I unpack, I’m working on my referral post. 😀

  8. PMSL !!!!!
    Glad to hear I”m not the only one who goes off buying fresh produce so I can throw it away the following week and go out and buy more !!!!
    Have the best day !
    Me xox

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