I Live In My Head

What a weird place to dwell.

I’ve been lost in daydreams for most of my life. This is where I go when my anxiety jumps to super massive warp speed. Not just then, though. I turn to daydreams when I’m bored, angry, overwhelmed, or trying to fall asleep.

I feel kind of uncomfortable talking about this.

“Kind of” is code for “extremely”. 

I don’t talk about my daydreams to anyone. Not ever.

Probably, for a few reasons.  I’ve always had this squirmy belief that I’m wasting my life away lost in fantasies and that “normal” people don’t run and hide inside their heads. They don’t live out scenarios that are as unlikely to happen as me voting for Donald Trump.

I don’t remember a time when I didn’t find myself tripping down paths that led to comfort and contentment or beauty.

Places where I am not afraid and my dreams come true.

Sometimes, when my anxiety gets it’s way, the fantasies turn disturbing.

I’m finding more and more that I can shut them down and walk away. I didn’t always have that ability.

Sometimes, I relive real events, but I change them. I find my voice and right a wrong. I undo mean things I’ve done and unsay unkind things I’ve said.

I have specific places to turn when I’m trying to fall asleep, staving off boredom, or suffering through a pointless meeting. I have fantasies that…well, we won’t talk about them. I get enough weird search terms as it is.

The specifics of any of my daydream places will always remain mine. I guess I share bits and pieces when I write, but mostly, they belong to me.

It occurs to me that perhaps I’ve been wrong about being weird for dwelling inside my head.

Perhaps, I’m not alone.

I mean, all of you can’t just be going over your grocery lists and bills that need to be paid when you’re stuck in traffic.

Maybe, it’s not just me who needs to escape to a place where fear isn’t the ruler and self doubt isn’t whispering in their ears. You’re going to be found out. You aren’t that bright. You will fail. 

Maybe, it’s not just me who goes through their day without having a single moment of feeling confident; of feeling that they are getting everything wrong.

This is not to say that I don’t have moments where I feel like I’m doing the right thing or feel confident in my skills. I’m just saying that I don’t have those moments often.

I am sure that there are scores of people who feel confident in their skills. Who, while not perfect, manage to live their lives mostly comfortable and feeling contentment.

But the more I experience and read and let other people into my life, the more I realize I am far from alone in feeling scared or incompetent. Ergo, I have to believe I am not alone in spending time escaping to places where I am competent and safe. Even if it is just pretend.

I guess it makes sense to make my peace with this.

I mean, it’s not like I’ve ever not had a place to hide. It seems unlikely that at this stage in life that I’m going to suddenly drop this behavior. Might as well just enjoy these scenes in my head because you guys, I am really good at it.

I am also incredible at winning imaginary arguments. Seriously, my win rate is 100%.

I wish I was as confident in anything as I am my own daydreams.

 

 

 

57 Thoughts.

  1. Oh Michelle, you are not alone. I have spent my entire life taking a walkabout through my head and sadly I’m not discreet about it. My eyes go glassy and I stare blankly into space as I zone out making it obvious to everyone that I’m no longer present. Fortunately, only rarely do I go slack-jawed. My daughter is even worse. So much so her elementary school teachers were concerned. And I won’t even get into her paternal grandfather raising the alarm bells, so convinced she was having seizures that we took her for an EEG. Of course it was normal, the reality was the apple does not fall far from the tree. My over active daydreaming is not limited to my waking hours, I must share with you sometime my Trump-in-a-box dream.

  2. You are so NOT alone! I’ve lived in my head for much of my life too — it was the only place I could feel truly free, the only place I could get away from my extremely abusive narcissistic mother. At 61, that inner fantasy life has only started to dissipate somewhat, as I’ve learned, through meditation and Buddhist studies, to live in — but thankfully, not for — the moment. I also have the benefit of time/leisure now — I quit working a few months ago. Have spent the last three months puttering around the apartment and generally not doing much, trying to recover from more than ten sometimes purgatorial, sometimes hellish years. I need — and want — to go to back to work, but being able to breathe free for while has done wonders. And my apartment has never looked better!

  3. I can relate to all of this. I live in my head too. Always have. Only now it doesn’t stay in my head, because my kids have caught me several times verbalizing one side of an imaginary convo. I’ve sprung a leak! They keep warning me that I’m turning into the kind of person I work with: demented elderly. Ironically, I have all the control in my fantasy world, so I’m not really “losing it” – it just looks that way lol.

  4. The nice thing about living in our heads is every scenario, every conversation, every interaction with bullies and clowns and people who don’t know how to shut up can come out however we want it to. Real life sucks. A lot. Living in our heads is sweet revenge.

  5. You are not only not alone but I suspect that in addition to righting old wrongs you spend a fair amount of time in your daydreams thinking of things you will say and do, rehearsing your acceptance speech, trying to make up things that will make other people laugh.
    At least I hope I’m not the only one who divides my time in my head between the past and future.
    It is kind of embarrassing when my spouse asks me a question and I have to say, “I’m sorry, what? I was thinking about what it would be like if dogs could turn their paws into radar dishes that shoot candy necklaces.”

  6. You are not alone. I asked my husband one time if he had what seemed to be a constantly running conversation in his head and he looked at me like I was crazy! Ha. Although I find my head is the worst place to be during anxiety. I escape to sitcoms to stop the conversation for awhile if it turns to anxious. Especially The Middle. I am what Sue Heck grows up to be.

  7. It’s good to read and know that I’m not alone when it comes to daydream. My daydreams are always about someone who has control – Captain Kirk, for example.

    You inspired me to be open and post about my daydreams. My guess is that it will feel uncomfortable at first, then change to relief once it’s out.

    Thanks you

  8. I totally get this. I live in my head, too. I work from home and don’t have to talk to humans most of the time, so this makes it even easier to carry on my own interior dialogue. I HATE it when someone interrupts my internal world with something stupid like, “Nice weather, we’re having huh?” UGH!!

  9. Thank you for this post – so glad to know I am not alone. Have tried not daydreaming – went almost a year once…but always retreat back…am trying to work up the courage to discuss with my therapist, maybe I will just show her your post. Thanks much

  10. If it weren’t for day dreamers, we wouldn’t have any books, plays, films, music, poetry, art or architecture. We may not have any rocket scientists either! All creative endeavors start with the ability to envision a different reality in one’s mind.

    Your day dreaming is healthy as long as you link it to a tangible outlet, whether it’s having a blog, writing a journal or doing whatever fulfills your visions of a happier reality. It is only a problem if it becomes a substitute from achieving your personal, health and career goals.

  11. OMG! Me, too! One of my biggest fears is that I’ll end up with Alzheimer’s and start talking about my daydreams like they were my real life. I remember my grandma said some strange things about what she was doing or where she was and I suspect my kids and grandkids will be just as confused at my ramblings some day.

  12. My mother referred to me as “the uninhibited child with the overactive imagination” when I was six, if I remember correctly, so yeah, I’ve been a daydreamer since at least then. I employed coping strategies to appear, well, not “normal”, but acceptable to teachers and bosses and the like. Then, after my stroke, my occupational therapist advised me to “talk my way through” situations where I didn’t already have a sequence of steps worked out to make it through, so I can’t even pretend that I don’t talk to myself anymore…
    If you don’t think up better things than the ones already happening, how can anything ever get better?
    As an off-topic aside, The Chicken, from The Chicken”s Consigliere, has a post I think you should read, and about which I referred to you in a comment (I hope that was OK).

  13. I totally get ‘living in your head’ – not that I live in your head, I just live in my head. And yes, when the going gets too tough, the best thing I can do for myself it to take myself out of the situation even if I’m still there.
    Actually, I love the conversations I have in my head, I get answers to questions I ask, not like if I’m talking to A or K who pretend not to hear me and I always get the answer I want because my head wouldn’t dare to contradict me.
    Have the best afternoon xox

  14. If the voices in my head could be heard people would run away, most of the time. It’s a bit of a curse, but it’s great for writers and you prove that!
    b

  15. “I’ve always had this squirmy belief that I’m wasting my life away lost in fantasies and that “normal” people don’t run and hide inside their heads.”

    Ahem, may I say that you’ve just made my entire day. I’ve had literally years of therapy to deal with the damage from my narcissistic mother and other *super fun* childhood happenings. And I’ve spilled my guts on everything in raw, painful ways–but the one thing I had a problem with disclosing, and to this day have never really talked about, is this. I have ELABORATE fantasies. They’re old friends. They’re the kinds of things that I think if I could just pen these to paper, i’d be a prolific,celebrated (fantasy) author.

    And I’ve kept it all under wraps too because “normal” people don’t do that, do they? But reading your post and everyone’s responses, clearly we do. My fantasy-land is triggered by all manner of things: stress, feeling overwhelmed, over even just feeling bored. My imagination seems to be far more interesting than what’s on TV a lot of the time–and hey, my imagination is with me in the car, in the shower, in a meeting wherever.

    For me personally, I have felt a danger of the consequences of living too much in my head. It can stymie my efforts at actual human connection for one thing and long ago historically, made quite a liar out of me. So I have two hard and fast rules about it now 1) I must be present often–and I should be able to do it on command and stay there–even if I’m bored or hurt or worried or whatever and 2) I don’t lie about myself, conversations, my personal history–ever. Which is a huge pain in the ass. Because everybody lies a little bit.

    You’re lovely and normal. Also, consider that people who run to a book or TV etc. are really no different–perhaps we’re just more creative.

    • Thank you so much for sharing this. I am so touched by your comment. You are right..everyone does lie sometimes..and you are also right, lying about yourself is a pain in the ass and terribly exhausting.

  16. I think we all live there at times. Sometimes it’s the only place we feel alive, or loved, or even calm. Other times we run from our subconscious as if it were Freddy from our nightmares. I guess like with everything else the trick is to find that elusive thing called balance. I’m still looking for mine!

  17. I totally do this, always have.

    I keep promising myself that I should get out of my daydream world and catch up on an inbox full of blog posts to read!

    I’ve lived mostly in my head all my life, and more so the last 5 months or so. I enjoy my quiet days at home, but if I ever come out again, I’ll probably write some more, lol.

    I catch myself saying half conversations out loud, too. I’ll come in the living room muttering something I should have said in whatever situation… Then I’ll realize my daughter’s home. Whoops, did I just say that out loud??

    I get so into just hanging out at home where it’s quiet, where I’m kind of lost in my own head all day, that when the phone rings (even if it’s my husband, who I’m crazy about) I’ll be like WTF WHAT DO YOU WANT NOW JUST PUT ALL THE EFFING THINGS INTO ONE EFFING PHONE CALL AND QUIT CALLING ME 24 TIMES A DAY.

    so….yeah

  18. I am stunningly bad at winning imaginary arguments. I did call my ex a liar with the parenting coordinator once. After he lied. And got caught in the lie. And then he asked if I was calling him a liar. And I said yes. Yes I was.

    Wow. I digressed there a bit didn’t I?

    I’ll take your lead on the hug.

  19. Your not alone I do this all the time. My mood or what I am going thru seems to drive what day dream I am going to have. When I am driving seems to be where I do it the most. Glad to hear I am not alone and that others partake in this. Hell it’s a great way to escape all the bullshit around us!!!

  20. You aren’t alone. I do the same thing. My life is shit right now and I’m finding myself more and more preferring daydreams to my reality. When my depression sneaks up on me or anxiety hits, that’s where I go for safety. I tried to explain that to a therapist once (only once) and he put me on medication that shut down the daydreams. The medication made it impossible to think about anything but the immediate present, but also made me want to drive my car into the nearest wall at 120mph. It also made me not want to be touched. I couldn’t hug my own kids because it felt like my skin was crawling off my bones when someone touched me. When my 6 yr old asked why I didn’t love him anymore, I fired the dr. and flushed the meds. I’ll keep my daydreams.

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