I’m Done

Seriously.

Even without stressful situations, my anxiety has been kicking my ass. Anxiety currently holds the heavy weight champion belt in the ‘fight against Michelle ever having any peace of mind’ contest.

That just reminded me of one of my husbands. Not the current one. One year, when I was married to ‘not Randy’ we made Christmas lists for each other. He had this on his list ‘piece of mind’. Which really, given what he asked for, would have been a useful gift. 

Anyway, life hasn’t been stress free lately. We’ve dealt with some fairly heavy shit. I won’t talk about the issues, because they aren’t mine to divulge, but trust me when I tell you, we’ve had some shit.

Then there is the news.

I can’t take the news. I already don’t read the news, but you can’t fucking insulate yourself from all the news. I mean, unless you go live in a bunker somewhere with no wireless and no cell towers. I understand that it’s dangerous to ignore what is going on around us. If we don’t acknowledge the injustices and atrocities being committed, then nothing will change. I know this.

I also know, that right now, I have to be as done as I can with the news. I need a break. I need to find my strength again.

With that being said, I was just on Twitter and thinking through all the ways I know that I’ve run out of words to write, and I saw something trending. The news about the young man who shot and killed all those people in the church.

Nope. I can’t read it. I don’t want to know the details. I don’t want to know the stories of the people who were slain. My heart can’t take anymore. My heart has spidery cracks throughout it and I can’t risk it shattering. I don’t have the strength to put it back together right now.

I skipped the sad stuff and kept reading down the trending list and I saw the words ‘Adam Levine and Zac Efron go’. Then I stopped reading and walked away. I couldn’t muster any fucks for anything trending on Twitter.

Just a few minutes ago, I was getting some tea and I realized I was finishing that trend in my head. At this moment, I have no idea what Adam Levine and Zac Efron did. So I am going to guess: Adam Levine and Zac Efron went swimming with sharks and it went horribly wrong and they were both eaten.

It also occurred to me that I have no idea who either of them are. Well, maybe a hazy knowledge. I think Adam Levine either won one of the singing reality shows or he’s a host on one of them. I also might be thinking of Ryan Seacrest who could be either of those things as well. I think Zac Efron is in a boy band, like One Direction or The Partridge Family or something. I think I might be right about Zac Efron. At least I think it’s a better guess than when I though Duck Dynasty was a cartoon.

Duck Dynasty would have been so much better as a cartoon. It could have been a soap opera, like Dynasty, except all the characters are famous cartoon birds. Like Daisy Duck would be the Joan Collins character and Daffy Duck could be her boy toy. I don’t know. Or maybe Darkwing Duck. I think Foghorn Leghorn should be in there as well. 

The point is HAHAHAHAHAFUCKINGHAHAHAAH (There is no fucking point).

The very loose and disjointed point is this: If I can very nearly block all information about reality shows, then I have a shot of skirting around at least the details of the brutal and breathtakingly sad news.

Also, why are reality shows so popular? Have we all just decided that our macabre fascination with train wrecks must be satisfied? Or are we really so fucking bored that we’ll spend time watching a show where people put there hands and feet into a catfish mouth in an attempt to catch it?

Fine, I’ve seen an episode of Hillbilly Handfishing, but it wasn’t my fault. We were in Florida over Thanksgiving and Joey got really sick and we spent Thanksgiving day in a hotel room, eating out of plastic containers and watching really bad TV. 

Reality TV and bad news are going to keep going, whether I’m struggling with anxiety and depression or not.

I will come out on the other side. I always do.

In the meantime, give me your happy. I need all the happy I can get.

 

72 Thoughts.

  1. (((Michelle))) here’s a huge cyber hug. If I could give you happy I would because I get how much it would help.
    I avoid the news like the plague because I just …..can’t. The same with Facebook and don’t even get me started on reality TV. Twitter I just look at what books people have out and bloggers.
    Anxiety is a fucking soul sucking evil bitch, so is depression, I wouldn’t wish either of them on my worst enemy.
    I hope things improve for you soon, she might win the fights but she sure as hell won’t win the war.

  2. With you there, I just have to keep on scrolling as it is just too much.
    No idea who any of the reality TV people are and until recently I thought a Kardashian was an alien race featured in Deep Space Nine I still don’t really know what one is as I try to avoid reading about whoever or whatever they are. Can’t be music related so I’m choosing not to care.
    🙂
    I still haven’t heard One Direction, I have a feeling I’d enjoy them as much as I enjoy David Hasselhof’s musical meanderings.

  3. I’m right there with ya when it comes to the news. It’s very depressing and it will just drain you of everything. Okay, sorry, not very happy thoughts here. On the bright side, there still IS happy news out there, we’re just not hearing it like we hear all the bad. The bad news is what sells after all.

  4. I tried to link you to some happy but I’m afraid it got caught in your spam filter. 🙁 It was Don’t Stop Believin’ by Journey. Anyway: *hugs you*

  5. Yeah, I am a rose-colored-glasses girl, even at my lowest points. I believe in good. It’s funny because I saw something recently that said something like, “the answer to this question is the most important answer: do you believe your environment is inherently safe or inherently dangerous?”

    I choose safe. And not watching the news helps me make that choice. I stopped watching the news YEARS ago (before the internet…now when something happens, I can go to the news source I trust online and read only what I want to read), and then we got rid of cable altogether. We have a TV and the only thing we use it for is to watch movies from Netflix. I’ve been told that by not watching “the news” I can’t possibly be informed, but I have found that I am actually a lot more informed…informed by the trust I have in my own senses, intuition, and discernment.

    Choosing to feel safe has made a HUGE difference in terms of my anxiety.

  6. I love it that you are as clueless as I am about people and stuff. If I have to live under a rock with someone, you are an excellent choice.

  7. The other day I was thinking of John Donne’s line “Any man’s death diminishes me” and how much easier it was to think that way in the 17th century. That sucks, though, so instead I’m gonna think about how you made me think of Count Duckula from the cartoon Dangermouse. Count Duckula would go on to have his own cartoon, but he was funniest as one of Dangermouse’s foes. All his nefarious plots involved his desire to be a great actor. Once he was defeated by a secret agent who posed as an American talent scout, dressed up as Uncle Sam and speaking like John Wayne. Count Duckula gave a long speech, and the agent said, “That was the worst acting I’ve ever seen. I’m gonna take you to America to be a star.”

    You can find more Dangermouse silliness on Youtube. Even if the dry wit of British children’s cartoons isn’t your thing it beats the news.

  8. I wrote something very similar to this last night. But not so much about me as my fear of what my kids are seeing and absorbing. Was the world always this horrific? I think so. We are just more informed about the horrors these days. Self medicating with some wine last night I typed out my own plan of action. Will post later.
    Minimal exposure and making my own personal space in this wold a happy place is my goal. Feel Better!

  9. You know, I’ve been filled with anxiety and depression lately too and the news definitely doesn’t help. I can’t believe the church massacre, but I’m not even going to talk about it except that I’m glad he was arrested instead of found dead from suicide like all the other pussy school massacre killers seem to do. Anyway, on top of my anxiety, I had an awful dream and I knew I was going to wake up in a shitty mood. Well my 11 month old woke up at the same time and he ALWAYS wakes up in a good mood. I try so hard not to smile sometimes, especially when he’s being an asshole (like he is now by pulling all my clothes out of my dresser and throwing them all over the floor) But it’s impossible not to smile. So thanks to him I’m almost always in a good mood no matter what.

  10. We were in a store yesterday being audibly assaulted by Adam Levine’s annoying soprano Maroon 5-ish warbling and commenting to each other that we wished someone would make it stop. So while it’s not exactly a happy thought, the shark eating scenario would make us happy! 😉

  11. I take this post as proof that you are MORE normal than the average bear, Yogi! I have to wonder about the people who can be constantly assaulted by news of horrors and brutality on a global scale and yet, remain perfectly calm. THAT is not normal. I, too, have begun limiting my news intake and also, unfollowing or un-friending those on Facebook who post hate and stupidity. Thinking of self-preservation does not mean you are “wimping out” nor does it mean that you are sticking your head in the sand. It means,that we are inundated with far too much information these days, most of which does not affect us directly and that we can do nothing about. Life itself can be, as you said, “brutal and breathtakingly sad”. It’s why I also have to be careful of how many “nature” shows I watch—Mother Nature can be a real bitch when she wants to be! Rest, Michelle. Dance around the house naked or something! And please, pitch your cartoon Duck Dynasty idea to the Cartoon Network or something! That concept is fucking BRILLIANT and made me literally l;laugh out loud! Huge hug!!! Your partner in anxiety!

  12. I got lots of happy to share with you today. I hope you can somehow feel it.

    *does bizarre cyber mind-meld psychic energy transfer*

    I know who both those dudes are. But there are plenty of people I’ve never heard of.
    The worst part is that all the people who know who those men are? Probably have no idea who the Vice President is.

    love love love and more love

  13. The anxiety waxes and wanes, but it never goes away. I’ve found that wine and (ironically) exercise help beat it back to manageable levels.

    I also vote for the sharks.

  14. Oh my dear. I am with everyone else under the rock of uninformed-ness. Our TV is for our video collection only, since we’ve had no TV for over 13 years. I open the internet and check my home page about once a day, but only to glance at the general pictures and make sure the world is still not nuking each other. I can’t bear most of the stories, so I try to limit myself to news that’s happening here on my five acres, which means my life is pretty mellow. Or sometimes I try watching the news in French, because it’s more fun when you can’t decipher 75% of what they’re talking about. Definitely give yourself a break from it. Watching doesn’t help, either way.

    And reality shows? Just…why? I still can’t wrap my head around a world where Balki and Larry aren’t on TV anymore…

    I am so, so sorry to hear your background stuff is shitty. I’m here for you.

  15. Hey Michelle…If I could share any of my “happy” with you I surely would. I am so very fortunate that I was born happy. But I don’t take it for granted for a minute because I cultivate it every single day. But I do know that avoiding news is the best way to go, –trust me I don’t miss anything that is really important. I also do what I can to make the world a better place so my head is not in the sand. But the happier I can make myself, the more strength and compassion I have for others–so it is a win/win on every perspective. I hope you find what works for you. ~Kathy

  16. I wish you time in your ‘happy space’. I too lack some current popular culture knowledge. I was taught Latin , had a great secondary school and wonderful college liberal arts education so I just spout some old dead person’s quote in Latin when I am the recipient of dismay with “you don’t know so and so”.

  17. I have more of these days than not, and I realize my reputation as a misanthrope is well-deserved.
    I could spew so much hate for the world, and like you, any time I even catch a GLIMPSE of the news, my heart breaks.
    WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE?
    Of course, then I’ll go off on a rant about it, and alienate everyone around me.
    Again.
    I don’t know what the solution is. I write fiction. I read fiction. Is that escapism? Yeah, probably.
    But if I really absorbed all the horror in the world, I believe that I would become one of those horrible things — if I had a rocket launcher, some sonofabitch would die — those kind of things.
    Happy… happy… sorry, I’m all out of happy today.
    Who needs a drink?

    • Yeah, at my old job, I had to tell a guy to stop talking to me about horrible shit. I avoid that news for a reason.

      And of course Daffy has to be on there! Plotting something…

  18. “tap dances, stumbles, falls* Well, that didn’t work out the way I wanted it to. I don’t have a lot of happy to share but am more than happy to share it with you. I can’t think of a more than deserving person to share with. I avoid the news as well. Have even stopped checking my Facebook. Its just too much.

  19. I’ve come off twitter, it made me too angry and sad and generally not nice to be around. I know there are mean arseholes out there, I don’t need specifics. Same to the comments on news sites. Headlines every few days is enough. If I want to do something to help I might read more, send some money to Medecins sans Frontieres (Doctors without Borders), that’s usually more useful than anything else I could do.
    My tummy is very happy today and sending smiles and shoulder rubs to yours.
    xx

  20. I’m really sorry Michelle. I am right there with you. Stuff like this just puts already anxious/depressed people beside ourselves because we already hurt too much of the time and where the hell can we even go after something like this? Things won’t change, and that makes it so much worse. Big hugs, we’ll get through this too.

  21. I. Love. You. There. That’s my happy. I love your train of thought, the way you can crack me up even when you’re talking about heavy stuff.

    I get it. I have to disconnect from the news periodically. And social media. I feel it coming on, soon. You will come out on the other side. Just breathe. Take a sip of some warm brown liquid. And put on some good music. God, I hope I get to hang out with you for real one day.

  22. Muddy paw-prints on the toilet rim, the cat is busted again… There, did that work a little?
    Maybe we need better sharks, so they can really eat them next time… Two days ago I saw a picture of a raccoon riding an alligator, and that cheered me up a little. As for hand-fishing, when I was in grade school, they read us the book “Me and Caleb” which had a chapter about hand-fishing gone awry… they were fishing for eels and one of the little boys caught a Water Moccasin…

  23. Is good this blogpost. You making much happy the readers. Your much sadtimes you make good sport of; we smile.

    Always wanted to just always comment in “spam-real” language like that.
    Your posts, and your thinking, are a day-brightener to your readers; don’t forget that.

  24. My happy (funny?) story of the day:

    When I came home from work today, my housemate was watching some silly anime about a high school host club, whatever that is. But, it was a Halloween episode and my housemate said something about “oh, we should dress Elka [my Doberman] up as funny things!”

    and I Said “like bees!” and I turned to Elka, who was with me on the couch, and said “Elka, do you want to be a bee?”

    Well, I don’t know what this silly dog thought “bee” meant, because to my knowledge, we’ve never made “bee” mean anything to her, but she seemed very intent on what I was saying, and perhaps excited. When no “bee” (or bee costume?) was then produced, she got up on the other couch and lay down and whined dejectedly.

    (Of note: Elka seems to think things that fly are magic, and has been very interested in moths and birds and helicopters and bumble bees and the like when she’s seen them in the past)

  25. I don’t even watch the local news anymore. If I want to know the weather forecast I check my phone. I still read The Columbus Dispatch most days but I skip over the tragic stories. I’ve never watched an episode of Duck Dynasty and never will. And don’t even get me started on politics. Gah! I want to just go live in a cave until February 2017.

    We dealt with some pretty heavy shit last year too, resulting in four of our grandchildren now living with us. Life can be shitty, there’s no doubt, but we have to keep putting one foot in front of the other and find the joy. They bring me a lot of happy. Coming here brings me happy too. Even your down posts kick ass.

  26. Yeah…. I get this. I get you. Too much. My anxiety is wielding new strength inside of me every single day- so much for summer breeze makes me feel fine…

    I can’t not watch the news. I swear I need to know what’s going on… I must. It’s kind of like a protection mode where if I *know*, then at least I will have control of knowing. Apparently, this prepares me for what the world may or may not bring to my own doorstep. It’s my own twisted perception to calm my nerves.

    Happy? There’s a lot of it. Sometimes we just have to look harder to find it. I just wrote about something eluding to this… 🙂

  27. Oooooh…..don’t let Beth get wind of the fact that you don’t know who Adam Levine is! That’s her man!
    I hear you loud and clear here. I get the tired. I get the weary. I wrote about it and not positively because I was just all blech feeling about every single thing going on in the world. Stepping off for a few days helped.
    I wish I had a really good joke to tell you but I suck at jokes. So I’m just going to direct you back up to Kevin ^^^^because that shit was funny!
    Love you, friend.

    • XXXOOO!!

      Yeah, stepping away is sometimes needed. I just spent the past hour badly embroidering. It was nice.

      I’ll just use my advanced age as my Adam Levine defense.

  28. I also avoid the news – I already feel powerless enough dealing with the shxx in my own life. When I see senseless, violent acts or people dying or being maimed by freaky acts of nature – I just want to hide myself in a fortified bunker and never come out. Also, just for your education – Adam Levine and Zac Efron are both beautiful men that make my nether regions tingle a little. Except Zac is so young that then I feel guilty for admiring him – like I’m some old lady perv.

    • Jana! Did…did you ‘x’ out the word shit? You can say shit here. You can say ALL THE WORDS here.

      And I wouldn’t feel like a perv. If he’s gorgeous then he’s gorgeous..

      • Fuck, Michelle! I know that I can say shit here — and ass — and motherfucker — and anything else.

        See, what happened was that I usually read posts at work and, due to the assholery of my corporation, I can’t post comments (it’s blocked — as if that is going to make me work harder and not spend so much time online. Pfffttt — idiots!). So, I write my comments in an email and then send it to myself at the end of the day so I can plug them in when I get home. However, due to the same douchbaggery, I can’t use any profanity or it is kicked back by the email filter. Which I find hilarious, because they will say things like, “Your email has been declined for delivery due to the use of the following profanity: shit.” So, they are perfectly FINE using profanity to tell me how I should be ashamed of my profanity!

        So, I have to xxxx out most of the word so that it can make it through the email filters. I’m usually thinking clearly enough when I get home to fix it so my cussing is displayed in all its glory — but apparently not last night.

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