Okay, advice from me to you. Never take fashion advice from me. Except for right now.
I am not a fashion expert. I don’t read about fashion, much, and I don’t write about fashion. Well, other than that one time I wrote a post about things we shouldn’t wear after 50 which resonated with a lot of people.
Mostly, though, when it comes to fashion, I serve better as a cautionary tale.
Okay, you know how you get older and you have no fucking clue how that actually happened? It couldn’t have been more than 10 years ago when you were at the club dancing to Melt With You? Then you realize that your oldest child will be 30 this year and there is no way the math works out? Yeah. That.
There are other clues, though. Sure, I need look no further than the passage of time to know I’m firmly entrenched in the “middle” part. Shut up. I am too in the middle part. I’m staying here for a long fucking time.
I have been displaying some “I’m older” tendencies for a while now. I can complain about joint pain with the best of them and I’m a hot flash fucking master. I don’t know when I started giving some of the fads of younger people side eye, but it definitely happened.
It either happened when young men started wearing their pants way too big, the duck face, or when women were wearing Ugg boots with shorts. What the fuck was up with that? Winter boots during goddamn summer. Thick fuzzy boots in the summer sounds like a punishment to me. Also, in my humble opinion, look ridiculous. But I could just be old.
I did see something today and I feel I must warn you. I am reasonably sure this is not “age” talking. This is me being sensible. Writing that actually made me snicker.
Now I want a Snickers.
But I digress.
I saw an ad for an article of clothing and thought that the ad had to be a joke. I looked closer and the ad was for an actual pair of jeans for sale at Nordstrom’s. The jeans would have made more sense if I had seen them in the Sky Mall catalog.
So, here’s the link. The link for “clear knee mom jeans”. Go ahead, take a look. I’ll wait.
They’re only $95! For jeans with little plastic knee windows!
They made me think of the walrus exhibit at the Cincinnati zoo. You can climb stairs to an upper deck and look down into the tank or you can go to an underground window for below deck viewing. These jeans are like the below deck viewing.
I am presenting my face to you and contorting my mouth into a pleasing smile for your enjoyment. However, if that isn’t enough, please take advantage of my knee windows and take in the splendor that is my knees.
My first thought was that the jeans window defeats half the purpose of long pants.
One would think longs pants keep our legs adequately covered in inclement weather, but that isn’t the most important thing. The most important thing is they make leg shaving completely unnecessary.
I haven’t reached the “de-yeti” point yet this year. It’s coming though. If I had these jeans, then I would be wearing a frame around my hairy knees. No one needs to see that shit.
I could be wrong, which wouldn’t be shocking as that is something I am super good at, but I don’t think these knee window jeans are going to become a thing.
I have faith in humanity. At least enough to believe they will reject the knee window jeans.
Although, I never thought Trump would be president, so what do I know?
Wonder if they’ll make sweaters with elbow windows in them next? Because I have not been faithful in lotioning up my elbows. I’m pretty sure velcro would stick to my elbows.
Photo courtesy of Stefano Ferrario