Rubber Shoes: The Knee Window Fashion Edition

Okay, advice from me to you. Never take fashion advice from me. Except for right now.

I am not a fashion expert. I don’t read about fashion, much, and I don’t write about fashion. Well, other than that one time I wrote a post about things we shouldn’t wear after 50 which resonated with a lot of people.

Mostly, though, when it comes to fashion, I serve better as a cautionary tale.

Okay, you know how you get older and you have no fucking clue how that actually happened? It couldn’t have been more than 10 years ago when you were at the club dancing to Melt With You? Then you realize that your oldest child will be 30 this year and there is no way the math works out? Yeah. That.

There are other clues, though. Sure, I need look no further than the passage of time to know I’m firmly entrenched in the “middle” part. Shut up. I am too in the middle part. I’m staying here for a long fucking time.

I have been displaying some “I’m older” tendencies for a while now. I can complain about joint pain with the best of them and I’m a hot flash fucking master. I don’t know when I started giving some of the fads of younger people side eye, but it definitely happened.

It either happened when young men started wearing their pants way too big, the duck face, or when women were wearing Ugg boots with shorts. What the fuck was up with that? Winter boots during goddamn summer. Thick fuzzy boots in the summer sounds like a punishment to me. Also, in my humble opinion, look ridiculous. But I could just be old. 

I did see something today and I feel I must warn you. I am reasonably sure this is not “age” talking. This is me being sensible. Writing that actually made me snicker. 

Now I want a Snickers. 

But I digress.

I saw an ad for an article of clothing and thought that the ad had to be a joke. I looked closer and the ad was for an actual pair of jeans for sale at Nordstrom’s. The jeans would have made more sense if I had seen them in the Sky Mall catalog. 

So, here’s the link. The link for “clear knee mom jeans”. Go ahead, take a look. I’ll wait.

They’re only $95! For jeans with little plastic knee windows!

They made me think of the walrus exhibit at the Cincinnati zoo. You can climb stairs to an upper deck and look down into the tank or you can go to an underground window for below deck viewing. These jeans are like the below deck viewing.

I am presenting my face to you and contorting my mouth into a pleasing smile for your enjoyment. However, if that isn’t enough, please take advantage of my knee windows and take in the splendor that is my knees. 

My first thought was that the jeans window defeats half the purpose of long pants.

One would think longs pants keep our legs adequately covered in inclement weather, but that isn’t the most important thing. The most important thing is they make leg shaving completely unnecessary.

I haven’t reached the “de-yeti” point yet this year. It’s coming though. If I had these jeans, then I would be wearing a frame around my hairy knees. No one needs to see that shit.

I could be wrong, which wouldn’t be shocking as that is something I am super good at, but I don’t think these knee window jeans are going to become a thing.

I have faith in humanity. At least enough to believe they will reject the knee window jeans.

Although, I never thought Trump would be president, so what do I know?

Wonder if they’ll make sweaters with elbow windows in them next? Because I have not been faithful in lotioning up my elbows. I’m pretty sure velcro would stick to my elbows.

 

Photo courtesy of Stefano Ferrario

 

 

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Add your comments below. Profanity is encouraged, but not required. ;)
  1. Jennie says:

    I am speechless. Nope, nothing to do with age, only sanity!

    Reply
  2. Donna says:

    I am SO with you on all of this but then, I’m really fucking old. Hells bells, I’m so old that:
    A) I say “hells bells B) I don’t even know what “duck face” is and C) Hot flashes are a sorta, kinda distant bad memory.

    Also, your Things You Shouldn’t Wear After 50 post is one of my total faves!
    Donna recently posted…Ice Ice BabiesMy Profile

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  3. MC says:

    Michelle when I saw the ad for those jeans I too thought it was a joke. Then I thought special edition fundraiser for some kind of knee illness like arthritis or something. And then I realized that it was just about idiocy in fashion. These are the emperors clothes.

    Reply
  4. Vicki says:

    Oh yes, they’re a disaster! Usually fashion stuff mystifies me, but this…this goes beyond mystifying. There’s no logic to be found and on top of that they’re tragically unattractive. Perhaps the designer was high on something? Whatever it was, I definitely don’t want any!

    Reply
  5. The clear plastic windows are bad enough but you also get the capri length which just adds to the nightmare. Seriously, could you imagine Laura Petrie wearing those things around the house?
    If you could congratulations on getting that reference. It doesn’t make you old because that show ran in syndication for decades and, like Mary Tyler Moore, you are timeless.
    And I could only think of one reason why anyone would need those jeans and for it those knee windows need a lot more padding.
    I mean cleaning the floor, of course.

    Reply
  6. My knees are literally my worst feature. It’s a crowded field, but yeah. And what are those windows going to look like after a couple of times through the washer? Don’t say the answer is dry cleaning. If I have to start dry cleaning blue jeans, I’m moving to Somewheretheydontdothatistan.
    Chuck Baudelaire recently posted…I’m All About Purple…Unless You’re NotMy Profile

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  7. Harry says:

    I’m hardly stylish, but one thing I am is old enough to predict the future.

    In a few years, I’ll be watching a show about the 2010’s, and all of the talking heads will be saying about these jeans, “What were we thinking? How did we ever think that looked cool?”

    If people still say cool in the future. They might now. I will, but I might be the only one.
    Harry recently posted…We never saw it comingMy Profile

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  8. I could see jeans with built-in knee pads–you know, for moms who get down on the floor to play with their kids, clean up vomit and spilled Cheerios, that sort of thing (or whatever else moms do on their knees). But knee windows? Nope.

    Reply
  9. Lori says:

    Maybe you can get those with “tinted windows” so you don’t have to worry about shaving your legs. 😉
    Lori recently posted…A Pot is a Pot is a Pot Except for When It’s NotMy Profile

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  10. Shari says:

    okay, you made me look. Working from home today in this NE blizzard and laughing my ass off wondering in what climate these pants would be necessary! or maybe I should say on what planet! Like the “mom jeans” that go up to the armpits are not enough. Thanks for the laugh!

    Reply
  11. Your knees pushing up against the plastic, when you sit, would look like a nose pushed up against a window. Not a good look. Nope, never.
    Anita Irlen recently posted…from Houston to Canal, destination, ReformationMy Profile

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  12. AmberLynn says:

    There are no words….only horrified faces! Um, did anyone else notice that they’re not even full pants?! And that the pants look like they have been cut off….90’s style with the threads hanging down!
    AmberLynn recently posted…Health in 5 Easy StepsMy Profile

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  13. Catsmeow says:

    This is slaying me! The description says the knee windows give the jeans a “futuristic look”.. if that is the future of fashion, I’m becoming a nudist. Weren’t knee holes in jeans classy enough?

    Reply
  14. BarbaraM says:

    If you look through the model’s poses, when she kneels down her knees are between the plastic and the seam of the jeans. That has GOT to be really uncomfortable.

    Reply
  15. Paula says:

    Is it just me, but who in their right mind wants to spotlight their knees?!?! That and my first thought is what you have already said, I will have to be careful about shaving my knees. I am with Donna. I am so fucking old, I did know what duck face was but hot flashes are a distant memory. While we are on the subject, I can’t even think of paying good money for ripped jean either. But that is another story for another time.

    Reply
  16. Haralee says:

    Nordstrom bought them?? Unreal. With the plastic it is a fabric substance so you are not paying for jeans that are ripped and missing fabric. See that is why the retail is high.
    Haralee recently posted…The Dilemma of Diet and Special OccasionsMy Profile

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  17. Nadine says:

    Yup, you sound old.

    Reply
  18. Billie says:

    I’m glad you haven’t lost your faith in humanity- I think mine is now dangling on a thin thread.
    What next? See-thru panels on the arse and crotch regions?
    Someone was on something when they made that up!!!

    Reply
  19. Shani says:

    BWAHAHAHAHA! Yeah. Uh, no. So they’re “Mom Jeans”, which mean that they aren’t for the trendy youth because they don’t do Mom Jeans. Hence the term Mom Jeans. Of course, there’s that whole MILF thing, but I don’t think MILFs wear Mom Jeans. It’s probably in some sort of handbook.
    So they are for the rest of us.
    So WHY would we, women of any age beyond the 20s and/or who still have those perfect stomachs that “regular jeans” are now made for, why would any of us, even if our knees are perfect (my knees are fine I guess—I also never give much thought to knees), why would we buy plastic windows for our jeans? Why? Are we trying to seduce people with our oh so sexy knees? I mean, I guess if you know someone with a knee fetish sure, but… Plus they’re plastic–does that mean you have to hand wash the jeans so you’re not putting the plastic through normal washing? Or are you supposed to take them to the cleaners? Both of which seem like a lot of effort for ugly non designer priced jeans.
    I think some low waist tight jean wearing designer got mad at her mother one day and that is where those jeans came from. Punishment.
    PS-I actually texted this picture to our eldest for a “trendy” thought. (I actually interrupted her at school to text her that link because it was that important to me). Her thought was simply “No.” with an icon rolling it’s eyes at me.

    Reply
  20. Nancy H. says:

    Have you read the comments? Currently they have 4 1/2 stars and 54 comments and they are hilarious!

    Reply
  21. First off, you’re not wrong about Uggs. They were hideous, and we’re all very sorry – they do make awesome slippers, though, so I still have a pair of the slipper version.

    Second, when will I learn to stop clicking when someone says “look at this fucked-up thing”?

    Third… WHY???? I mean, I know I’m not “old” because I can’t be – I’m still 24 and have the heavily redacted medical records to prove it – so what the hell am I looking at and why can’t I stop looking at it?
    ActualConversationsWithMyHusband recently posted…The Wuxi Finger HoldMy Profile

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  22. BeeBee says:

    Jeeez, you old dames are really behind the times. Obviously those clear knee panels are for moms that want to show off their trendy knee tattoos. Doubt me? Go see this Pinterest board: https://www.pinterest.com/explore/knee-tattoo/ .
    Up till now, the only thing stopping me from getting my own knees tattooed was the thought that I’d go through all that pain and no one would ever see them, but now, with this great new innovation in fashion, my knee tats can be on display all year round, even when it’s raining or snowing. I’m off to the tattoo shop right now! I even have my design all picked out. It’s “Help! I’ve Fallen” on the right knee, and “And I Can’t Get Up” on the left. Next time I slip on an icy sidewalk and lie there swearing and flailing helplessly, people won’t think I’m just any old drunk. They’ll think I’m an old drunk with knee tattoos. Sweet!

    Reply
  23. Doug in Oakland says:

    Ninety-five American dollars. I don’t get it. Of course I also didn’t get the appeal of the pair of True Religion jeans my friend Rob found in a car at the wrecking yard. I wore them because I was poor and they fit me, but they didn’t have working pockets, were covered in “decorative” stitching, and when they caught on a corner of a table, they ripped. Like five inch straight down the thigh, ripped. Briana tells me they cost about $300. I threw them away when we moved.
    I don’t know shit about fashion, but I do know those jeans are ugly. I don’t think I’ve ever felt sorry for a model before, but I just imagined that girl’s reaction when they handed those jeans to her: “Really? You want to take pictures of me wearing these?”

    Reply
  24. Randy says:

    They say the knees are the window to the meniscus.

    Reply
  25. LSJ says:

    My first thought was that it might be handy for gardening, but it seems to be more futuristicly fashion oriented than function. Insert some cool lavender, yellow, green, and blue colored plastic circles all over some cool jeans and I might be tempted, but this, this is very confusing.

    Reply
  26. Anna says:

    I love your blog, thank you for blogging, and this is the first time I’ve responded to any blog! I wanted you all to know that my 19 year old daughter agrees that these are the stupidest jean ever created, and I love when we agree on fashion.

    Reply
    • Michelle says:

      OMG I am so honored!!! Thank you for commenting. I’m glad to know that my views are shared by a young woman! All my best to you and your daughter!

      Reply
  27. WTF,K? Knees are fugly, at least mine are. My knee caps look like angry old men. Never mind the hair part. Seriously, who comes up with this shit? Nordstrom’s too. Haaaaaaaa!
    lisa thomson recently posted…14 Best Novels With Divorced HeroinesMy Profile

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  28. I forgot to ask if those are designed by Ivanka? If so, they will be removed from Nordstrom’s shortly.
    lisa thomson recently posted…14 Best Novels With Divorced HeroinesMy Profile

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  29. Oh, honey, that’s nothing. Take a look at the camel-toe undies trend. No shit: http://nextshark.com/fake-camel-toe-underwear-asia-trend/

    Just a note on UGGS and shorts – they were designed for surfers to slip on after coming out of the water, but when it gets hot enough, flip flops work better. And even though I’ve put mine on after a spin class to warm my feet, I am fully aware of how stupid I look.
    Deborah Sale-Butler recently posted…Accidentally PerfectMy Profile

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  30. Chris says:

    A Nordstrom ad for those fucking knee-window jeans is now showing in my browser sidebar. I’m going to sit out on my back porch and clean my guns until I feel a little more calm.

    Reply
  31. Kristia says:

    I saw those jeans in my fb timeline and assumed they were a Saturday Night Live skit.
    Kristia recently posted…Why We Left Traditional Health InsuranceMy Profile

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  32. Perhaps they’re the fashionista answer to holes in your jeans. Old people’s skin would stick out, so they need a knee window. Maybe it’s not as much about people looking in but what might pop out… hmmm…. Not a fan. Good advice that I will take, along with not doing my best Daisy Duck imitation.
    Dr. Margaret Rutherford recently posted…When A Parent Needs Too MuchMy Profile

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  33. I saw that ad, too, and had the same reaction. It never ceases to amaze me that some people will part with their hard-earned money for the stupidest things. (Or, maybe their money is not hard-earned?) Now, I want a snickers, too.
    Carol (“Mimi”) recently posted…How to Update a Wicker TableMy Profile

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    • Michelle says:

      I am trying to think of something stupid and trendy I bought over the years and all I can come up with is a shit ton of acid wash (jeans, vest, jacket, pumps).

      Reply
  34. I really did think they were a joke. But what about the shoulderless shirts. No I am not talking about tank tops. I am talking about shirts with no shoulders…
    Anna R Palmer recently posted…Getting off.My Profile

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  35. Rock on! Aren’t these so awful they are too much fun? 😉
    Meredith Spidel recently posted…DIY Fairy Garden in 6 Easy StepsMy Profile

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  36. B says:

    Who is the target audience for these? Gardeners maybe? Then there’s the photo of the model kneeling on the ground… I think I need a lie down! I’ll wait for your follow-up article featuring interview with the Nordstrom person who actually decided to stock them!

    Reply

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