What Does Ladylike Mean To You?

This post isn’t about parental narcissism, however, I do have to briefly reference parental narcissism.

A person with narcissistic personality disorder can never be wrong. They know everything there is to know about everything.

Being raised by a narcissist is the opposite of a walk in the park or a piece of cake or whatever other phrases we use to describe “easy”. The fallout ranges from devastating to annoying to weird.

One issue I dealt with, was weeding out “facts” my father taught me. If I asked him a question and he didn’t know the answer, he would make up an answer, because he would certainly not admit that he didn’t know something. As a child, I accepted these explanations as gospel. They would become a part of my reality and part of the way I understood life.

It wasn’t until I was a young adult and I would hear words falling out of my face that made no sense at all that I began to understand my grasp on reality wasn’t as strong as I thought. I would recite something that I knew to be true but as soon as I heard myself speaking the words, I would realize the absurdity. I would think for a moment “Why do I think this?” Then, I would remember “Oh. Right. Something dad taught me.”

Stragglers aside, I believe I weeded through most of my dad’s “facts” by the time I was 30 years old.

I like to believe, now, that I see things clearly and don’t just blithely accept what I hear and what I believe. I like to believe that I critically examine my reality and do my best to keep it real.

Then today, I read something which used the words “ladylike”.

Hey, wait a minute.ย 

Ladylike is a shitty concept.

How often do we ever hear the words “ladylike” meant in a positive way? The word ladylike minimizes women, doesn't itHardly ever. I think the only time I hear “ladylike” as a compliment, it’s a small child being complimented. If “ladylike” gets applied to an adult female, it’s nearly always a criticism. “She’s not very ladylike”.

What the fuck is ladylike, anyway? What does that even mean?

If we hear the words “ladylike” applied to us, chances are, the intent of the words spoken are used to invoke shame.

I remember being rebuked by a teacher in the 7th grade for not “sitting like a lady.”

You know how I was sitting? In a way that felt comfortable to me. But being female, I was supposed to conform to a certain standard and, if I did not, then I was not a lady.

I’m good with that. Which is awesome, because a lot of my habits and behavior fall pretty short of “ladylike”.

Ladylike is just another word used to make a woman feel ashamed or less. Lady also feels minimizing, doesn’t it?

Have you ever been called “pretty little lady”?

I have. One job ago, I had a boss who said that to me often. I wanted to set him on fire. He wasn’t complimenting me. He was letting me know my place. And before you rush to judge what I just said, trust me on this. His speech denigrated women all the time. He referred to the males in the IT department as the “guns”. Being a female precluded me from being a “gun”.

I guess the point is this. I’ve existed 53 years without once looking at the word “ladylike” and considering it as an example of a word woven into our social fabric to keep women in their place. Words which exist to make us feel bad about ourselves. We just accept the word as a normal, neither here nor there word. But it’s not. Ladylike is used to make us feel bad. Ladylike is an example of language being constructed to put a thumb on women.

Well, I am not ladylike. I don’t care about being ladylike.

What I am is a woman. Using language to try to suggest I am less than female because my actions or words or appearance don’t conform to someone’s standards is bullshit. You can take “ladylike” and shove it up your ass.

 

97 Thoughts.

  1. Amen, sister. “Ladylike” (or the lack of being such) was the reason my Dad gave me for not being able to take drumming lessons. Or for the way I sat (like someone who wanted to wear pants, not a nice dress). B.S!

  2. Thank you for this. My favorite was the high school bathrooms. One was labeled men and one was labeled ladies. My response was ladies don’t win basketball games.
    “Like a lady” has never been a goal of mine!

  3. Yes! I am with you! I have never really been ladylike. Was a tomboy – remember that term? I like to try to be when I dress up for some occasion but somehow it doesn’t quite work really. lol. My daughter is the same way which is why I stopped buying her dresses when she was in the first grade ๐Ÿ˜ฎ

    • I like getting dressed up occasionally…but that has nothing to do with being ladylike and more to do with how I am feeling at the moment. And yes, I was also a tomboy.

  4. The whole “lady-like” crap falls into the same category as being told you do something “like a girl”–it’s meant as a put-down. I love the fact that women and girls today are turning that on its head, changing the negative connotation by taking pride in their accomplishments. What we achieve is worth aspiring to–whether we do it with our legs crossed at the ankle or not.

    • I cannot tell you how many times my dad told me to stop acting like a girl. He actually said that to me recently and I snarled at him. “I am a girl, old man.”

      I know it upset my mother, but I’m done with that bullshit. Done.

  5. I don’t think I’d ever looked at it like this but you are absolutely right. Being a lady is always held up as some sort of lofty goal that we are all supposed to want to achieve. I’m with you in that I can’t be bothered with it all – my daughter would laugh at the idea and I think I will too (now that I’m older and wiser!)

  6. Once again, you have plopped your thumb right on the topic and twisted. Well done. I have been thinking a lot lately about how gender perceptions are all on a spectrum, a sliding scale. There are some women who are definitely “ladylike” (ugh, hate the term as well) in that they exude all the aspects of traditionally “feminine” women. Then there are women like me, and probably you, and sounds like most of your posters here, who’s femininity is expressed in broader strokes and colored outside the lines. I was ridiculed in junior high for slouching with my knees apart while wearing culottes. A five-second taunt that stayed in my memory banks. Thankfully it wasn’t too long before the “fuck them” attitude kicked in and set me free, but your point is valid: there is insidious belittling resulting from these leftover terms and calling them out, loudly and repeatedly, is the only weapon on our arsenal.

  7. Snort. “Ladylike”. I’ve had pretty good luck with bosses, but my last one actually told me “Language, little lady”, when I used the same swear words the guys use. Bless their hearts, my guys spent the rest of the day swearing up a storm just to see if he would say anything to them. He didn’t.

  8. I use the phrase ‘ladylike’ sarcastically often when describing something I did. I taught a seminar and got a snarky question and I was very ‘ladylike’ in my reply. Code I didn’t tell the asswipe that he was an asswipe in those terms directly.
    Words have power!

  9. Maybe we should just start saying, “She sure is XY Chromosome Prime.”

    But, then we’d have to say, “He’s a nice XX.”

    I never was a ‘girly-girl’ and I remember the father figure saying, “You’re still a little girl.”
    But, my Gramma (the one who raised the father figure) used to ALWAYS use the term ‘ladylike.’
    To be fair, she was a school teacher and her generation had worked pretty hard to be recognized at all, so I guess she earned the right to dictate ‘behaviour’ to a child, but the words she used so innocently and with great pride have gone the way of other words, ‘gay’ is the only one I can think of off hand, but as soon as I post this I’ll come up with 10 more haha.
    Maybe I haven’t been called ‘ladylike’ or told to act ‘ladylike’ in so long that I never felt the ‘negative’ side of the word as it is used today.
    Lucky me? Nah… probably defiant me and it’s just another good glossing over I gave it while I ran barefoot and rode horses in sundresses that I had to hike up past my thighs so I could jump on my horse with enough momentum to swing my leg over and take off galloping.
    Now that’s ‘XY Chromosome Prime.’
    (And just a fond memory, but, Damn. I NEVER felt more ‘ladylike’ than then!)

    • I don’t hold anyone to blame for using the words, especially past generations. They worked with what they had. But now? Now it’s our job to shine lights on this shit and show it for what it is. I want life to be different for my granddaughters.

      • Me too.
        Me, too.
        I will NEVER tell my granddaughter to ‘straighten up and act like a lady.’
        I WILL tell her, ‘stand up straight, your spine needs to hold your body erect so your abdominal and back muscles develop properly so you don’t have back and neck trouble when you’re my age.’

        Gramma’s best ‘ladylike’ behaviour that was health beneficial just needs to be translated differently.

        ๐Ÿ™‚

        But, she may need shorts with that hoochie-mama skirt! (Wait. Is ‘hoochie-mama’ still OK when referring to a skirt that shows butt-cleavage?)

          • Yeah, that’s how I feel, “You Go, Girl!”
            ๐Ÿ™‚
            Whatever makes you feel good and allows you to shine!
            Now that’s ‘ladylike!’
            Well… it will be after Rage-M’s effected world change ๐Ÿ˜‰

    • Did you know that if you sing, ‘X’s and O’s’ while feeding your horses it will remind you that female=XX and male is XY?

      Arrghh…

      No more typing for me today ….

      Very ‘unladylike.’

      ๐Ÿ˜‰

  10. I like the word “broad”…it is a great word that delineates a woman of great range, appeal and is fearless. I take a senior yoga class and I call us “strong broads” because we are. Back in the day, girls were encouraged to “act like a lady”…whatever those standards were. Now we lift weights, enjoy action films, swear when we feel motivated, and raise families and roofs all by ourselves. Sometimes with the help of fellow broads, tho. So call me a great broad…that is the ultimate compliment..and I won’t bitch.

  11. I grew up with my Mother using this word. It always bothered me. I felt it was demeaning! I never heard her tell my brother to be “manlike”. I did not pass on this word to my daughter and I am quite certain she will never use it with our granddaughter. Great post!

  12. I did read the rest (and agree, that a) you are not ladylike and b) you rock it) – but I was more struck with your suggestion that you remember things through a filter. I DO THE SAME THING. Years have passed and I still remember things the way I was told to remember them and am constantly amazed when the filter comes off. You have an excuse, you were a child and it’s all you ever knew. I don’t know what my excuse was.

  13. I clearly remember my father swearing while telling his war stories from work and then telling me not to do it because it wasn’t “ladylike.” I now swear like a sailor (which he also was), any time I feel like it, if it expresses how I’m feeling or makes my point. I know lots of fancy words. Sometimes it’s better to say that “a situation was mishandled and should be re-examined” and sometimes it’s faster and more impactful to say, “What a clusterfuck! Let’s get this shit cleaned up.” Why should a certain set of words or actions exist for only 1/2 of the people in this world?

    • Oh, I get that. I don’t get upset by a lot of words that bother other people. It’s when they make me feel bad or they are designed to make me feel bad that I’m annoyed. And no longer willing to just shut up about it. haha.

  14. Brilliant post! It has always bothered me, too, that female sports teams in high school are called the Lady Whatevers… Lady Panthers, Lady Knights, etc. The guys are The Panthers, the girls are just the Lady Panthers. It really lessens their athletic achievements to have ‘Lady’ attached.
    Thanks for starting the conversation!

  15. Preach! It’s a worn out term that was bullshit from the beginning. I’m an ex “little lady” from the South and I’m sending you a high-five!! Great post!

  16. When I was in grade school I received some type of award (unexpectedly) on the last day of school. I was so excited I bounded up the stairs two at a time to receive the award. When I got up there a (male) teacher leaned over to me on the way across the stage and whispered “one stair at a time…be ladylike” KILLED THE MOMENT. I don’t remember another thing that was said after that. To this day I can remember that feeling of being ashamed dammit. It might possibly drive my relentless preaching to my daughter to turn a deaf ear (or middle finger) to the so called communal rules for women and not give in. I tell her as often as I can, “Be you love, we’re all better for it”.
    Thanks for this, I think it was cathartic ๐Ÿ™‚

  17. Mom always encouraged her girls to act like ladies. And her boys, like gentlemen. To her, it meant being kind and considerate to all. She was. I’ve grown up with a different connotation to the word. To me, now, being ladylike is just being kind. I like it!

  18. Good manners aren’t all that gender-specific. Maybe they once were and I just didn’t notice. “Ladylike” seems to mean “conforms to someone else’s idea of good manners for a female human.” The dictionary definition is: “appropriate for or typical of a well-bred, decorous woman or girl”, but I have to ask: appropriate to whom? And for what? There seems to be an undercurrent of “fits the description of a possibly valuable possession” in there that I have never been comfortable with.
    But there I go doing the same thing myself. My comfort is no-one’s responsibility but mine, and I certainly don’t want to issue guidelines for the behavior of more than half the population of the planet based on what makes me comfortable.
    Perhaps it once made sense to have one set of rules for each gender, although I am doubtful about that. I don’t know, I wasn’t around before 1960, right about the time those “traditional roles” started losing their stranglehold on our culture. I don’t know many “girly-girls”, but I do know a few, and they seem to be doing OK with it, so I guess it’s just an individual choice, and as a male, I don’t really have that much to say about it, although you probably wouldn’t think that judging by the length of my comment…
    The other idea in your post, though, is really a pet peeve of mine: the effect lying to them has upon children. Especially by their parents. Somewhere in my journals there is an 11 page rant on that subject from a biological/evolutionary perspective that begins with the words “In the wild…”

      • Yeah, me, too.
        You’re a very well-adjusted and informed representative of the male order and I deeply appreciate your respect and method of delivery, Doug in Oakland.
        ๐Ÿ™‚

        • Thank you, Lisa K. I always look forward to reading your comments. I especially liked the one above about needing to translate the ideas behind older language into what we understand now. I’ve learned so much from figuring out how to listen to people older than me, because they were always the ones who had actually done things.

  19. My daughter is 6 and sure taught me a thing or two about being “Ladylike” the other day.
    Unbeknownst to me, she had just done exactly what you say, Michelle, in the last line of your blog.
    Yes. Anyway, she came up to me and said, “Mummy, have a smell of this!” holding out her hand to my face.
    So I dutifully did. Sniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiifff.
    Me: “What in the name of all that is holy is that???”
    Daughter: “That is my bottom smell.”
    And yes, I did say, “That is sooo unladylike.”
    Because, it was, let’s be frank.
    However, other than that incident, I am thoroughly against the misogynous exploitation of the word, “Ladylike”.

  20. HOLY CRAP. You’re so right! And we’ve been taking this term for granted since forever. Probably since the day we were born when we entered this world … not very ladylike.

  21. Michelle – you really nailed it with this one! I grew up in a very sexist home. For example, my brother did not have to help with dishes because it was “woman’s work”. And I’m not that old either! I think I’ve been a bit sensitive to such attitudes ever since. Having raised 2 girls on my own, I don’t know that I’ve ever used the term “ladylike” with them. Although I have used the “hootchie-mama”, as in, “Hey you’re not going to Wal-Mart in that hootchie-mama outfit are you?” They understand exactly what I mean.

    • I have both girls and boys. I didn’t get my girls until they were 9 and 11 years old. They used to laugh at me because every holiday and every birthday, gifts always included a “girl power” book. Or books about accomplishments by women, whatever I could find. They appreciate it now. Our oldest granddaughter is 9 years old and I bought her first girl power book for her last birthday.

  22. As others have already said, ladylike can mean whatever we want it to me, to include whatever characteristics we think make us assets to ourselves and the world, like having good taste, good sense, honesty, empathy, fairness. It has nothing to do with painting our nails or mincing around in high heels. It has everything to do with knowing when to tell others to fuck off.

  23. I could ask my father anything as a child and he always had the answer. At around 12 I started realising they were mostly made up – I mean I seriously once believed the pyramids were made to assist out of space aliens with navigation!!!

    I hear you with the ladylike label. Here in the UK we have a Queen and we have princesses. I guess the Queen is considered the lady of ladies – but she is a symbol and everything is choreographed. No one can tell me she doesn’t pass wind after a spicy meal.

    Similarly what does it mean to be manly? I was forever told that men don’t cry as a boy – suck back the tears son. James Bond and Superman are not real men – they are shades of light on a screen. For me Jesus is a real man – he went around healing people and educating them to a morality. And then he sacrificed himself on a cross.

    Churchill as well, to me was a real man – a warrior but also a very tearful person.

    A very interesting blog to read.

  24. Hey, yeah. How come there is no ‘Misterlike’ word. We should introduce it and go down the derogatory spiral.
    Or act like compassionate humans. Either way, I guess.

  25. Being a guy this is the sort of shit I’m completely oblivious to. On the bright side I don’t remember ever using the term “ladylike”.
    My mother did. She mainly applied it to our dog who would lie on her back with her legs spread. My mother would say, “That’s not very ladylike.”
    And I thought, what the fuck? She’s a dog.
    I also still don’t understand why lying on your back with your legs spread is wrong. It seems like most women give birth that way.

  26. :::sigh::: Once again, I’m late to the party. I slipped and fell outside yesterday on my driveway, landed directly onto my left knee and now, it’s swollen and I’m limping and hobbling around. I could put weight on it right after, so I don’t believe anything’s broken, but I’m keeping an eye on it. Please, send some Pixie Dust for me to not have to end up in an urgent care center or ER! I don’t wanna have to go!!! :-O

    When I saw that word “ladylike” in your title, I cringed. That was a HUGE thing with my narcissist father. Even when I became an adult, if I would tell a mildly risquรฉ joke or say a word like “balls”, other people would be laughing and I’d look over at my father, who would be sitting there fuming. He’d tell me that “ladies” don’t talk like that and no daughter of his was going to sound like trash. He’d add that no one respects a woman who talks like that. And yet, I also remember the compliments I’d get from my father. He’d call to me, “Hey, Sis, go mix me up a highball.” (My father would never call my sister and me by our actual names, we were both “Sis”.) I’d get him his 7 and ginger, he’d take a sip and he’d say, “You’d make a really good barmaid, Sis.” My husband and I would just look at each other and shake our heads. I had realized that arguing with my father was an exercise in futility. Why repeatedly bang my own head up against the wall? I’m way too intelligent for that. You also hit on the excellent point how certain words are used to make women feel small or less than. When I had my brother in law “helping” me, he would constantly use the words “girl” or “pretty little thing”, thinking that he was manipulating me by flattery. He wanted me to feel helpless and undermine my decision making. When it didn’t work, he blew up and resorted to belittling me and insulting me outright to make me feel that without him calling all the shots, I will not be able to make it by myself. Banged up knee aside (thank goodness a friend was here when it happened and helped me up! Haha!), I intend on doing whatever I can to prove the assholes of the universe WRONG. (And NO, I do not “hate” men. I intensely dislike assholes, no matter which gender they happen to be!)

    • Okay BOOOOOOO on the hurt knee. You and Randy are partners in crime as he is quite gimpy these days. I really hope there isn’t any damage, but if you don’t see an improvement, you REALLY need to have it looked at. Don’t make me nag you.

      Yeah..narcissistic assholes can kiss my unladylike dick.

      • Okay, Mom! Haha!!! My knee is feeling a little better today, although it’s still sore and puffy. The ice seems to help. I’m sending Randy some gimp-healing vibes! ๐Ÿ™‚

  27. I don’t recall ever using the word ladylike. I’m no saint. I’ve probably used every other word to describe women, singly and in a group. No ladylike..

  28. I really enjoyed this post.

    I remember being told all the time to “sit like a lady” when I was young, which basically meant “don’t take up space and don’t open your legs, even a little bit, because then you’re inviting people in.”

  29. Find me on LInked In too.
    Screw LadyLike, m’dear. At 63, my greatest pleasure is doing international adventure travel, which also means that I am a bodybuilder, skydiver, scuba diver, bungee jumper, mountain climber, kayaker, equestrienne…I date men 20 years my junior. Wanna know what men my age have to say about it? You should date men your own age. You should (fill in the blank). How do THEY look? Fat, old, wrinkled, gross, ancient, pissed off. Entitled. Patriarchal, owed, bitter, how I could go on.
    Know how I look? Tall, trim, slim, young, ripped to shreds, body of a 25 year old. I work out three hours a day. Lady like? Kiss my tush. Match.com men want me to cook for them, bring them drinks and push their wheelchairs around. My idea of the good life is a seven day camel safari ( four Maasai and me) for seven days across Tanzania. These men CAN’T SIT A HORSE NINE HOURS A DAY FOR THREE WEEKS. I can. I’ve written two prize winning books. Summitted Kili at sixty. Everest Base Camp at 61. Ladylike my A**. Currently working on my third book. About all my adventure stories from Iceland to Patagonia to Croatia to Nepal to…..doing stuff right now that angry old patriarchal men never did, are angry that they never did, and accuse me of not being feminine because I do it now. I don’t cook for anyone. I live an effing amazing life, my sheroes broke the mold, and if you put an Angry Old Man in my way he will find himself on the floor on his butkus. I strongly recommend you read two books: The Crone, and When God Was A Woman. It will give you a very solid base for why men do what they do, the history of when women were worshipped long before patriarchal religions, and why women are treated the way we are today. Fascinating reading.

    My daddy was a narcissist too. He did a great job of preparing you to be who you are today. That was his JOB. Mine too. Wouldn’t have it any other way.

    • OMG I love you! I am both super impressed AND exhausted just reading this. hahaha. I love it. I am feeling inspired to perhaps start working out a little again because I’m definitely getting creaky.

      I am going to amazon RIGHT NOW to get those books. xo

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.