No. I mean it. I love you.
I LOVE YOU!
See? I can type it. Kind of. I still might not ever post this because it’s difficult. I don’t say ‘I love you’ easily. I don’t love easily. Even when I tell people I love that I love them, it’s rarely an ‘I love you’, it’s a ‘love ya’ or I say ‘I love you’ in a cartoony voice. And if I say it on the phone, then I hang up immediately.
I’m sure this goes hand in hand with my personal space issues and my need to keep physical human contact to a minimum. Well, not my immediate tribe. I can cuddle with them, but I am terrible at casual hugs and fuck getting kissed.
Kisses are even difficult for me at home and I love my husband and my kids with everything I am. I love my grandkids and my nieces and nephew and my sisters and my mother whole-heartedly. But I’m not good with the kissing part. Poor Randy. He’s a kisser.
Being a child of a narcissist, I’ve studied parental narcissism for over a year now. I’ve learned about the affects parental narcissism has on children and one trait can be that we avoid intimacy. I’ve avoided the shit out of intimacy.
If you stay guarded, then you won’t get hurt.
I’ve found some problems with this course of action.
- You still get hurt. No one is exempt from emotional pain. People hurt us, even if we take measures against it. Then there is the on-going, never ending pain of being a human with no deep attachments. You become the little match girl, always outside looking in. And we know how that story ends. Frozen to death on the sidewalk.
- Your range of emotion is limited. If you protect yourself against pain, you are also limiting the joy you get to feel. Your spectrum is limited. It’s like having the 24 box of crayons when you really need the 64 box.
- You can’t turn that shit off and on. So, you’ve decided you’re tired of walling yourself off. You want to take a chance and let someone in. How? How the fuck do you do that when you’ve known nothing but keeping people out your whole life? I’m not saying it can’t be done, it can. I have a very deep relationship with Randy, but that shit wasn’t easy. It took years.
It’s funny, because superficially, I am very trusting. Overly trusting.
What I mean is, when someone says something, then I believe what they say. I am 51 goddamn years old and I’m still stunned when I learn that someone has lied to me or has been intentionally misleading. I don’t like it when that happens. I feel angry when that happens, but it rarely hurts me because chances are, I haven’t invested any emotions in the person who has lied or misrepresented themselves.
I also don’t get people who start throwing out ‘I love yous’ like they’re passing out Halloween candy. I don’t trust them and I certainly don’t believe them. Randy used to work for a guy when we lived in Wichita, KS who was one of the most disingenuous people I’ve ever met. He looked like Peter Gallagher and he lied about everything. He and his wife told me they loved me the first time they met me. What the fuck is that all about?
I get that people love other people as a group. I love humanity, I want all the people to be happy and healthy. Except for that girl who was driving below the speed limit in the far left lane while texting. She had a baby on board sign on her stupid Lexus. I don’t want her to be happy. She sucks.
Okay. Fine. I want her to be happy, too.
The point is, I can love humanity but that doesn’t mean that I am going to tell a virtual stranger that I love them. Because it’s not true. I don’t love them. I distrust them and am probably just looking for a way to get away from them. When we were in Wichita, Randy and I attended a church service with Peter Gallagher and his wife. In our 19 years together, this is the one and only church service we’ve attended that wasn’t a wedding or a funeral. We’re just not churchy people. This church was HUGE. They had 10,000 members. There were multiple auditoriums and stages. The service started and this is the first thing I heard: If you are new then we want you to know….if you love Jesus Christ, then we love you.
The fuck you do. You don’t know me. And right off the bat, you’re putting conditions on your love for me. I don’t get just throwing that shit around, it loses it’s meaning. Or maybe they do mean it. Maybe they are able to feel true and honest love (Well, as long as you pass their test) and that’s just not a skill I possess.
I’m working on it though. I’m trying to be more open to accepting love and affection from other people as well as giving it.
I’m finding some success. More and more, I’m finding myself in true friendships instead of spending time with acquaintances that I’m fond of. It’s not easy, but I’m finding that it feels good to be myself with some of the other humans. I’ve found people that I can hand my fragile self over to and I’m not terrified that I’ll be battered and bloody when they hand me back.
I don’t know that I’m ever going to get good at saying ‘I love you’ to them.
Even though I do.
The more I learn about you, Michelle, the more I learn about myself…thanks, I think I love you Haa!
HAHAH! That’s awesome! Ummmm…well….I won’t be saying it back though…because I have this problem…
hahah
Oh My God. We are more alike then I thought. The hubs and I are the same way. We say L-word. I can’t even say I love you out loud unless it’s to my kids. And the couples that HAVE to say I love you at the end of every fucking phone call? To me, that takes the umph out of the words and completely dilutes the power of saying it when you really mean it.
And the emotional distance part? Totally me. My friends have told me it took them longer to get to know me than anyone else in their lives. It took me until I was 27 to have my first true friend. My shallow relationships were instinct, until I learned otherwise.
You’re right, though. It doesn’t save you from being hurt. I think I’m this way because my family is this way. You learn what you see.
that’s why I like “lurve”. to me it’s a cute way of saying “you’re so damn awesome, I like you sooooo much.”
HAHAH! Yes! That’s why I don’t say ‘I Love You’ unless I sing it or say it like a cartoon character. It’s just SO SERIOUS otherwise and that makes me want to crawl out of my skin.
I’ve been better at giving and receiving hugs as well. It used to make me want to run away and cry, and I still feel anxious and awkward, but it’s getting easier all the time.
Wow, interesting stuff, Michelle. My parents were both alcoholics, and so there are some parallels, but some distinct differences: for instance, I’m okay with giving love, but not always great at receiving it. Who knows where that shit’s been? But I guess when you grow up hearing “I love you” mainly from drunk people who don’t know what they’re even saying half the time, it’s hard to believe in it.
As for trust? Hahahaha. I have a super-high level of suspicion–it’s like having a smoke detector that’s way too sensitive, and goes off every time anyone strikes a damn match.
God, when you think about it, it’s kind of surprising we’re still walking around and looking like more or less normal people.
p.s. I’m pretty sure I don’t love you. But I do really like your writing.
Awww…that’s so sweet! I probably don’t love you either! But I really like yours too!
It’s possible that I would even hug you in person…but it would be awkward. haha.
I don’t think it’s narcissism to not casually throw around I love you’s. Those words mean something special and should be reserved for the people who are special to you.
I’m definitely an introvert and I was nodding my head in agreement all the way through this post because it exactly describes the way I usually feel.
I agree, I think it should mean something. For me, even if it DOES mean something, I have a hard time saying it. I don’t know if it’s because I’m afraid I’ll be rejected, or that if I admit my feelings, then I am more vulnerable…
Because of the lack of affection I had from my parents, I made sure show it to my son, but balanced it so I wasn’t the over the top, Norman Bates’ mother-type. Until he left this weekend, he would still give me a hug before bed even if he hadn’t given me one any other time during the day. All phone calls still end in “I love you” whether he says it first or I do.
It was a harder cycle for me to break in relationships, especially when the ones I trusted with those words ended up in divorce or such. I am affectionate but saying those words takes a while.
I don’t think anything of writing it, especially to friends. It’s like how I would love a sibling or cousin; so not hard for me to give or receive.
I’ve always been able to show and receive affection and love with my children. I want them to feel secure when it comes to loving people and while my older son is like me in that he’s not overly physically affectionate, my younger son really is. I love hugs from him…it’s people who aren’t part of my inner tribe that I struggle with.
There was a guy here at work who was touchy feely and he left for a different job. I could hear him making his ‘goodbye’ rounds so I called Randy so I could fake a work phone call to avoid the hug…I DIDN’T WORK. He hugged me anyway, even though I was on the phone. I could hear Randy on the other end laughing his ass off. The bastard. 🙂
Wow, I never made the correlation between having a narcissistic parent and my intimacy issues. I’m going to have to follow your research on that one. I love the crap out of my husband, my mom (the non-narcissitic parent) and my nephew, but with anyone else it’s difficult. I recall a co-worker walking by and touching me, and hearing gasps all around the cube farm, with people whispering, “did she just TOUCH Karen?”. Ok, so yeah, there may be some personal space issues. I’m glad others understand!
Haha…yeah, I am also known for have a wide ‘personal space’ area. It’s funny, because there is one guy at work (I’m old enough to be his momma) who puts him arm around me or whatever and it doesn’t bother me at all. No idea why. But I was talking to my boss (who has since been fired) and this guy walked up and put his arm around me. My boss says ‘Uh…she doesn’t like to be touched’. I said..nah..it’s okay if he does. My boss says, that doesn’t make sense. Well, guess what, buddy?? I make the goddamn rules about who touches me. Haha.
I think it’s common because we get betrayed by our parent when it comes to receiving love and it’s painful..we don’t learn how to accept it, we learn to fear relationships because of it..but I’m no expert…I just read a lot.
I’m uncomfortable saying it, too. I say it to my kids and my mom, that’s about it. I don’t like feeling vulnerable.
That very succinctly explains how I feel. I don’t like feeling vulnerable. It’s not because I reject love, it’s because I’m afraid of being hurt.
Great post, Michelle. In my family we never said “I love you”. I just attended my father’s 75th Birthday and told him “Love you”. He answered with ‘Thanks for coming.” Weirdo. I tell my kids I love them all the time and they tell me too. But that’s where it ends. My Beau and I say it easily and with genuine feeling and it makes me tingly all over. I love you’s shouldn’t be thrown around like Peter Gallagher and the Jesus people. No. I totally get your uncomfortable feeling with emotions…we live in denial growing up so to get ‘real’ means pain and yes, joy. xo
That is exactly it, Lisa… 🙂
As always told with unflinching honesty and aplomb. You know I adore you!
Thank you, Shannon! It feels good to speak honestly about who I am and where I am…I have found this process to be incredibly healing and the acceptance I get from people like you means more to me than I could ever articulate.
Wow, this was an illuminating read. I also thought of myself as a touchy person, until my dh pointed out I wasn’t. The narrative of my family of origin is that we were an affectionate family, but that was just the story, not the reality.
I struggle with the hugs and touches unless I know someone really really well, and even then it is awkward.
Your blog gives me so much insight into myself and my family of origin. I feel connected to you and your readers cause we all seem to be in the same stream somehow.
So I can say this ….. I Love your blog.
and I think I have a little crush on you too, but I am not saying the L word. 😉
This gave me such a big smile! YES! We can crush on each other all we want!!
I understand exactly what you are saying…how the family lore isn’t reality and it’s something you don’t even CONSIDER until it’s pointed out..and then it’s like…OHHHHHHHH YEAH!!! I’ve been seeing this wrong my WHOLE LIFE…
weird.
The thing about “churchy” people is, I’m pretty sure being religious & all that they’re supposed to love ALL. (Fucking hypocrites! This is why I don’t ever go. Fuck that. Seriously…)
I know what you mean, in a way. I used to think there was something seriously wrong with me because, unless you’re one of the few who’ve gained entry into my inner-sanctum, I just don’t MISS people… I miss my dad, my cousins, my grandma, etc.; but I’m sorry, in-laws – I just don’t ever MISS you guys enough to be even remotely tempted to go on any kind of family-vacation for even a WEEK. And it’s not even like they’re around all the time.
Maybe I AM anti-social! LOL
I am lucky in that I had a great Mother in law and I still miss her. I have great sisters in law as well..they’re definitely part of my ‘sister’ tribe. (I have two sisters as well)..
But yes..I see a lot of hypocritical behavior in a lot of church going people. Don’t talk about love and then be dicks…because you’re doing it wrong.
My mother-in-law was great. Sadly she passed the year after my dad’s accident. (I really have shitty luck keeping allies!)
My husband’s sisters turned on me when they realized that I don’t do things the same way THEY do, like when I didn’t get my husband a birthday cake for his 40th so they could all sing him Happy Birthday; which HE specifically requested I avoid doing because he HATES IT. Don’t even ask how I missed a perfect opportunity to take the cake she bought for him & smash it when she got snotty with me for not jumping at the chance to help her carry it & sing to him. Pretty much all HIS fault for not setting them straight, I say.
Sheesh..it never ceases to amaze me how all grown up people can act like spoiled kids
I hope you learn to say it fully and from the heart–it is soo darn beautiful!
It is. And I do! it just takes a LONG time to get there. except for with my kids…they got it right away. 🙂
I never heard a genuine-or not-I love you as a child or young adult. I married the first man to tell me he loved me, but that’s a different story.
My kids are grown and we have this goodbye ritual that involves yelling at the top of our lungs, “I LOVE YOU! ” and “LOVE YOU, TOO! ” Every single time and no matter where we are, as we’re walking away, we do this. We leave laughing like the loons we are.
My daughter is so used to this part of goodbye that she accidently yelled it to her 60+ year old male coworker once. I was there, we were going for lunch and, as the door was closing she yelled, “bye. I LOVE YOU! “
HAHAHAH..that is awesome!!!!
What is it with the lying? I am always completely floored when I figure out someone lied to me. It doesn’t occur to me to do it, so I never expect it in others. But people lie All The Time. Now, I probably do polite lying that I don’t even notice. One of my friends in college pointed out to me that I had a habit of speaking downer truths in a chipper voice, (because you can’t lie, and you can’t be a whiner, either.)
Yeah, I think we ALL lie sometimes…mostly to spare feelings..but damn..some people just lie all the time and it’s hard to deal with.
Much of this is very true of me too. I’m better with the contact, only with certain people though. I think that is because I spent a lot of time with my maternal grandmother as a child and she was quite tactile, unlike my parents and certainly my father.
As for the trust thing I’m hopeless. I generally mistrust most people but then I meet someone that I trust implicitly and set myself up for total disaster every single time.
Even though I know I’m doing it I can’t change it. If one of these people turns out to be a liar or to does something that shatters that trust my world collapses.
I guess my complete lack of guile and my unerring honesty makes it hard to understand how other people can do that as it just would never cross my mind to lie to someone like that. That psychopathic tendency in a loved one that we have had to deal with in childhood or later in life doesn’t seem to prepare us to deal with it in anyone else either which I don’t quite understand. It’s almost like we are conditioned to be the gullible victim of a Narc. I hope I can break that pattern in future relationships if I ever have another one.
I have no problem loving people or telling them that I do, or at least that used to be the case. Maybe not so much now, apart from family that I barely see I have no-one in my life to say it to so I don’t really know. I have a feeling I probably will find it difficult to drop that guard with someone I haven’t known for a long time.
It’s hard to trust again when you’ve been burned. I am grateful for the people in my life that I can trust and who understand where I am coming from and accept that. It makes it easier to breathe around them. 🙂
Sending heaps of virtual hugs your way – that way we don’t have to have any contact and I promise not to think you are my daughter and throw and “I love you” your way !!
Good for you on finding more true friendships – they are gold when you find them. I don’t have many but the few I do have I would do anything for.
Have the best day – it’s nearly the weekend – YAY !!!
THank you, sweetness!!! You are just awesome and I so enjoy our across the world friendship!
and YAY FOR THE WEEKEND!
I wouldn’t describe myself as guarded and I adore physical affection, but I too struggle with SAYING “I love you.” Interestingly, the older I get, the more my close friends will say it to each other. It’s awesome, but it’s not easy for me to say back. I now have four nieces and nephews, so my goal is to tell them regularly that I love them.
I’m getting much better at it..and I do love affection..just not so much the kissing part..but I’m getting there.
I totally relate. My mother is a narcissist and I experience love and intimacy much the same way. However in romantic partnerships I have chosen men like my mother over and over again and I really would like to meet a person who actally loves me so I can feel uncomfortable for a Chang 🙂
It’s funny (not haha) how we do that. Until Randy, I dated or married some cruel men.
1) “You still get hurt” – Oh, ain’t that the truth! Not only that, but I think you set yourself up to be hurt – because you can’t let the people who care about you in – really in – and so that intimacy needed for close and lasting relationships never develops. Eventually, someone leaves. Who knows, maybe it would turn out the same if you let them in – but I wouldn’t know, because I’ve never tried it (yet).
2) “Your range of emotion is limited.” – Preach, girlfriend! To this day I have trouble identifying emotions and often I feel so devoid of any deep or real feelings. I’m working on that.
3) “You can’t turn that shit on and off” – Yes, again! I’m tired of living this way and, if I ever meet someone special again, I want to go all in. But I have no idea how to change all of those deep seated coping mechanisms and fears.
4) Have I told you lately that I think you are brilliant?
Thank you, sweetness. I wish I had answers for 3…I think it starts with a decision…I think living your authentic self and being accepted for who you are is what it takes. That shit isn’t easy though.
That means you don’t say it easily so when you do you really MEAN IT. That’s genuine. The casual sayers are missing out on the deep connections in life, the ones that really mean something. Loving every person is a lie, and not even a fun lie. Why bother? The fact that you have such a good relationship with someone who cases about your happiness so much means you’ve won. Even if it’s hard. That’s worth a billion fake neighborinos in my opinion!
Thank you!! I DO mean it if I say it. It’s just that I have a hard time saying it, even if I mean it. 🙂
There is a reason why I love inanimate things and then there are humans. My humans know how I feel but yeah I know I’ve thrown some ‘I love you’s’ back cause it probably just made someone’s day. I know I have received many of them unfortunately from people who absolutely have no space for you in their real life, its just a virtually polite thing to say.
Its amazing how its become a signature sign off for some people instead of the golden oldies like ok bye, cya or later alligator.
I am just hoping that I get to hear some honest one’s some day from people outside my circle of trust.
Love the post and absolutely admire the honesty in your words.
Thank you so very much!
I say ‘I love you’ to my kids a lot but I think it’s because I rarely heard it as a child myself and know I would have liked to . I love my husband but we’re not the mushy gushy types. We just kinda know. Ya know?
I’m really a ‘show me don’t tell me’ person. Actions, in my opinion, speak much louder than words.
And I won’t get started on the church thing…..
I can say it to my kids, grandkids and husband with no problem. And my mom and sisters. It’s all the other people that are difficult, even though I do love some of them. I just don’t want to SAY it.
Great post. When I was younger I told so many different girls that I loved them that the word barely holds meaning for me now that I know what it really means. I tell my wife that it is my actions that should show her how I feel, but she doesn’t really buy it.
I never said it easily and it has taken me a long to time figure out what it means. I don’t know that it’s from overuse or under use, it’s just difficult for some people to define love. I’m getting there, though. 🙂
Sometimes I think I use the word love to much. Not to people, but to things–bacon, pizza, Doctor Who, etc. Because then when I tell my husband ‘I love you’, it feels like it’s lost its meaning. The word is less important because I’ve used it for Firefly and ice cream instead of just for him.
Well…it IS Ice cream.
I get what you mean, though. I don’t have any trouble professing love for inanimate objects…it is the humans I have a hard time with.