Conspiracy Goat Says: Don’t Be A Lying Liar Who Lies

Randy has been making memes about a conspiracy goat. Sometimes, they are funny. They’re usually weird. Just a little glimpse into the madness in my husband’s head. I am glad his madness and my madness get along.

This isn’t about goats, though. I hope you aren’t disappointed. I do have other blog posts about goats if you’d rather read them.

This is about malignant narcissists and the utterly absurd lies they tell. We’ll get back to goats in a few minutes.

The orange nightmare’s tweets usually create some sort of reaction in me. Disgust, anger, fear.

When he tweets at the madman in North Korea, I get stressed out. Then, I remind myself that I can’t take his stupid phone away and I try to let it go.

This Time magazine tweet made me furious as soon as I read it. Why? Why did I get so mad?

I recognized every single word in that tweet. My dad told similar lies.

I recognize what 45 was doing and felt sick and angry.

Let’s dissect the tweet, shall we?

Time Magazine called to say that I was PROBABLY going to be named “Man (Person) of the Year,” like last year, but I would have to agree to an interview and a major photo shoot. I said probably is no good and took a pass. Thanks anyway!

Okay, first, we already know this is a lie.

Time magazine came out and said that isn’t what fucking happened. I’m paraphrasing. 

Probably

I recognized a lie as soon as I read the word “probably”. This was my dad’s favorite gateway into a lie.

This tweet reeks of “getting out in front of something”. This exact sort of thing my dad would say when he wanted to get in front of a lie.

Obviously, the circumstances are wildly different. My father, while he would have loved the attention one gets as POTUS, has never held an elected office and never been considered for the “best” anything award.

I can hear my dad’s voice, crystal clear right now. It has been nearly 25 years since he got sick and brain damaged, but I can still conjure his voice and his reaction as if no time had passed.

If my dad was with a group of people and someone pointed out that my dad never held an elected office, he would take that as an insult. Not a statement of fact. As an insult.

He would say something like “Oh, I was approached by <fill in the blank with a name, any name. You can just make one up because that’s the sort of shit he did> and they wanted me to run for city council, but I turned that down. Politician’s are crooks.” 

“Man (Person) of the Year”

My father was also a misogynistic bag of dicks. Much like the president. “Man (Person) of the Year”. Why? Why would he type the phrase like that? Because he knows he has to acknowledge the winds of change. Men aren’t better than women. Men shouldn’t always be considered over women. Yes, of course he has heard these things, but he doesn’t believe them. It’s like he is saying “Of course the award should be man of the year, but broads keep yapping. They’re all bleeding out of their where-evers. So, I’m going to throw (Person) in there to shut them up, but you all understand I mean “Man”, right? That’s why I said “Man” first.”

Putting “person” in parenthesis after “Man” was a dog whistle to his deplorable base assuring them he is still not “politically correct”.

Like last year

Any grain of truth you can toss in there to support your lie is important. Especially, a braggy grain of truth.

Major photo shoot

HAHAHAHAHAFUCKINGHAHAHA like 45 would turn down a photo shoot with Time magazine. What? Is he too busy? Because from what I can tell, he tweets and golfs. He would have no problem finding time in his busy schedule for a major photo shoot.

Took a pass

Malignant narcissists are the embodiment of the Sour Grapes fable. My dad was never turned down for anything.

He always was the one doing the turning down. He would explain why he rejected the job or the business opportunity or friendship with a sneer. The other person or situation always fell short, but he was never rejected.

This sour grapes thing serves a duel purpose. If you are lying about something, for instance, being selected “Man (Person) of the Year”, then you have to give a good reason why you are rejecting them, not the other way around. The president just couldn’t risk the possibility of suffering through a major photo shoot for a “probably”.

Malignant narcissists can use a negative situation to prove they are capable of walking away from accolades and prove they aren’t pathetic attention whores. Because they know. Underneath it all, they know they are attention whores and they know we know. So, they say shit like this to prove that false.

“See? I turned down a major photo shoot like it was no big deal. Haha. I don’t need that attention. I will prove it to the world by tweeting about how much I don’t care about a major photo shoot and being “Man (Person) of the Year”.”

Narcissists take any situation and twist it up as many ways they can in an attempt to bolster the flawless image they have of themselves.

People like 45 and my father aren’t clever enough to pull that off and they just look like transparent, needy, pathetic assholes.

Thanks anyway!

When a narcissist says thank you, it is nearly always code for “fuck you”. He was saying “fuck you”. 45 is grateful for nothing. Everything he has was owed to him and he deserves to be revered. He deserves to use women and power and money as he sees fit. He owes no thanks to anyone. Ever.

It has been fun reading people’s tweets parodying this tweet. I wrote two:

“TV Guide called to say that I was PROBABLY going to be named “Best new actor” But I would have to agree to be an actor and have acting talent. I said probably isn’t good enough and took a pass. Thanks anyway!”

“Tiger Beat magazine called me a few weeks ago and said that due to a mix up, I was never awarded my date with Leif Garrett and said that to make it up to me they were PROBABLY declaring me empress of the universe. Probably? NO THANKS.”

Which brings us back to goats. Here’s Randy’s Conspiracy Goat parody of the president’s tweet:

conspiracy goat

 

 

 

 

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Add your comments below. Profanity is encouraged, but not required. ;)
  1. I laughed when you retweeted the Conspiracy Goat meme. Then when I saw it was Randy I laughed even harder. I may have to follow him on the Twitters. 🙂
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  2. Renee says:

    Love your sense of humor….dont ever lose that kiddo. We all need it even more now than ever before… and I loved the tweets you tweeted…
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    • Michelle says:

      Thank you so much. I can’t imagine a life without humor, sometimes it feels like that is all we have.

      Reply
      • Jessie says:

        Hahahaha at the goat meme! Awesome!

        Yeah, they do know we know. I wish they didn’t. It makes them hate us. In my mom’s case, she isn’t even a pathetic incompetent. She’s brilliant and could win an Oscar at lying/manipulation and a sociopath, which is something I just do not *get*, on the level of Ted Bundy. And an attorney. I threaten her because I am the only living witness to many things she would die rather than have her crowds of admirers. She has been trying her best to destroy/discredit me, and (too long a story) she got a chance and now she IS destroying me. ‘Nuff about that.

        At least it takes my mind off how 45 is destroying the country, or may.

        (As a silver lining, pretty lame.)

        Humor is sanity. You nailed it.

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        • Michelle says:

          I wish I could say or do ANYTHING to make this better.

          Reply
          • Jessie says:

            That helped.
            It did.
            This website (which I am still exploring sort of randomly, because practically every post is great) helps.
            You GET it, and you write about it so clearly. I relate so much; which means you could relate to my sitch, which is so much of the battle. Validation. Because mothers are sacred in this society, and people who know absolutely nothing about malignant NPD except when it’s at 45-level (aside: I love the guy who wrote a book on NPD and used the pre-presidential Trump as an example in the opening chapter, with the after-remark (I’m paraphrasing ;), “But the Trumps of the world are low-hanging fruit. NPD can also be subtler… etc. etc.” ) whom I need legal, etc. help from to get out of her control again, or just a little understanding as to why my mental health is declining when Moms is, say, coldly and calmly advising me that suicide “may well be my best option” (this while I was actually attempting it, in a half-assed way, when I first figured out how perfectly boxed in she’d gotten me, tell me that “she loves you very much.” Or at most an uneasy, “Sometimes I don’t understand your mother, but she means well, I’m sure.” Or, “You’re 52 years old. You shouldn’t let your mother have so much control over you.” (Quite true. I did not intend so. She lied in court, and faux-wept and had faux distraught-mother hysterics, and got control of my money with nothing anything like a competency hearing. ((I hadn’t even thought of suicide at that point.)) She’s like a Machiavellian chess grandmaster, and I cannot scheme, or foresee schemes, and am challenged by checkers. A couple more masterful and completely illegal moves later, some poking around in my e-mail account, a thorough ‘smear campaign’, a shit-ton of lying, and yeah, she has way more control over me than she should ever have over anyone. But it is not to be assumed it’s benign. Applying for SSI for someone else, fibbing and saying you are supporting that person and to just send the checks to you, which took me 6 months to find out had even happened, is strictly illegal, and is so against all Soc. Sec. disability application procedures, only Moms could have gotten away with it, and I still don’t know how. The same way Alexander the Great conquered the world with 30,000 men — genius, unmatched guile, utter ruthlessness, enormous charm and charisma, and believing he was a demi-god.)
            Anyway. My long-winded point being no, she doesn’t love me; no, she’s not harmless; and in the grand tradition of abusers, she is most likely to try to (psychologically and financially, etc.) “kill” when the victim — yeah, I’m going to use that word, as crimes were committed — tries to escape. I was in the process of trying to go no-contact when she really understood that I understand, and decided I really needed to be silenced. I was trying to get away. Honest Injun.
            And at least you seem like you get how that works, or could work assuming enough sheer cold-blooded competence on the NPD’s part. With all the shaming, yo have no idea how much that helps. Thanks, Michelle.

          • Michelle says:

            Holy shit. Your mother is fucking evil. I am so sorry. I wish I could help, I wish I could take that away from you. Keep learning. Try believing in yourself. TRY to let go of the past as best you can, no judgement on shit you hang on to…we’re all doing our best. Look forward and know that I am cheering for you.

  3. Lisa K says:

    First: So glad I wasn’t ‘wrong’ when I screamed in disgust (at work, no less… try THAT in a library 😉 ) and dragged my coworkers over to my screen so they could witness first hand the …. crap. I can’t even THINK of a good word… it all happened so fast. One minute I was scrolling the Moments and the next I was 5 years old again, looking for a place to hide while I stopped the screaming.
    Second: I LOVE Conspiracy Goat and I think HE should be ‘Time’s ‘Animal’ (Man) Person of the Year!’
    …and finally…. My router is going out on my house internet so I’ve missed out on a few good Tweets and FB posts… I can’t decide if I have been deprived or salvaged… PROBABLY I was nominated and recognized for my snarky attitude and brilliant cussing style…

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  4. Great breakdown of facts of a narcissist. I wish it was just funny and not true. Goats with yoga, goats cleaning up hillsides, goats are so in these days.
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  5. Cecilia Leon says:

    So totally love this.

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  6. Spot on, as always. I could almost feel sorry for the Twitterbeast, if he wasn’t clutching the nuclear button in his twitchy hands.

    Love Conspiracy Goat. Wish HE was President.
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  7. Emily says:

    Alas, that’s my daughter. Proof that heredity wins. I wish I could laugh, but, oh, the bitter sorrow it evokes…not to mention the ongoing horror of such a person in power.

    Sorry to gloom on your wonderful post!

    Reply
  8. emelle says:

    I’d seen a few others’ parody tweets w/o seeing the Orange Turdblossom’s, so I was confused enough to just skim past them. Thank you for breaking it down. (I have him blocked, frankly, because he PROBABLY would have blocked me eventually, since I’m so vocal in my hatred of his putrescence. I blocked him first, you see. It’s important that you and everyone else KNOW that. I broke up with HIM.

    But I HAVE seen, via others’ quote-tweets, his one asking for a fake news contest. There is something seriously wrong with that child. (Not to insult children, although I know that I did, just then).

    What an utter fuckfaced twatjuice. How is it possible that we who hate him haven’t managed to oust him yet?
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  9. I like Conspiracy Goat. I do not like 45. I love this post.
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  10. Doug in Oakland says:

    Perhaps Mr. Mueller can stake Fergus out with a collar so he can eat the weeds and trash by the side of the road…
    Did you know that you can send an anonymous bag of dicks to someone for their dining, uh, pleasure?

    https://dicksbymail.com/?gclid=Cj0KCQiAjO_QBRC4ARIsAD2FsXPxiKOlQ9pCKNsiY-BGDlOkqEu5KttS4RV422hXCWsOWeTEPKJKpRIaAk1EEALw_wcB

    Remember that video I gave you a link to by Fantastic Negrito?
    He claims to be a recovering narcissist, which I can sort of see in a singer, and he seems to at least say the right words about it, although as you have written, it’s hard to tell with narcs.
    It would be easier for me to deal with Fergus’ lies if he were better at lying, but he’s just not.
    H.R. McMaster reportedly said Fergus has the intelligence of a kindergartner, which was widely condemned as an insult to kindergartners, but I had to step in an point out that he didn’t specify which kindergartner…
    And on the subject of goats and bad presidents, I knew a guy who lived right next to Reagan’s ranch, and he said that when his goat jumped the fence, the Secret Service wrestled it to the ground and x-rayed it for explosives.

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    • Michelle says:

      The bag of dicks is amazing. Soooo many people. Although, I wouldn’t want to send them anonymously. I also have a disturbing image of 45 grazing. Hahaha. Maybe we should throw him over the fence of the Reagan Ranch

      Reply
  11. Mary-Anne says:

    I am not on twitter anymore because of people like 45 and that is PROBABLY a good thing, except then I miss your tweets.

    I have to go look and see what Times said now about the incident.

    So many things to google…..so little time.
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  12. Connie says:

    Love your paraphrasing.

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  13. Michelle, I’m sorry you had to grow up with a father like Trump. I can’t imagine how hard it must be to hear this idiocy and not want to jump out a window. Its bad enough just having him be President for the rest of us. To have it all bring back a challenging childhood on top of that is unfair.
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    • Michelle says:

      It has been really hard. My eyes have been wide open since the beginning of this shit show and it’s super frustrating to try to warn people and to KNOW you aren’t screaming loud enough. I get frustrated because people STILL give him too much credit. “Oh, he saying this horrible thing to create a distraction.” No. No he is fucking not. He is not that clever, he is just a horrible, vacant child who doesn’t have any idea of when to shut his fucking mouth. I’m not saying he isn’t manipulative, I’m just saying, he’s more transparent than people think.

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  14. Ha ha!!! Awesome post! Thanks for the giggle 🙂
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  15. Love the way you broke it down and it’s all spot on. The goat meme is fantastic….you two make a great team (you and Randy, not the goat….so we’re all clear on that).
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    • Michelle says:

      Haha, yeah, Randy and I make a good team, with or without goats.

      I am not an expert in much, but I was immersed in this behavior since birth, it is super transparent to me.

      Reply
  16. I can’t imagine the struggles you’ve been through but I love, love, love, that you’re still able to find some humor in the stupidity of narcissists. Yeah, it’s obvious that narcissists are idiots as well as annoying assholes, but when you were raised by one it must take an extraordinary amount of strength to step back and laugh at them.

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  17. Pia says:

    That person in the White House couldn’t give a good answer for anything if his life depended on it. Yesterday when he talked about the tax love fest–throw up (me, I did–I was sick but…)
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  18. mydangblog says:

    Goats are awesome. 45 is a huge bag of dicks. I don’t know how you all stand it–if our leader did a mere fraction of ONE thing Trump has done, he would be forced to resign.
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  19. Ernie says:

    I admit that I don’t follow him on twitter. I imagine it would be exhausting. I don’t even like overhearing stupid/annoying people speak in public places like the gym or the grocery store, so I keep my distance from his nonsense. I do appreciate your humorous view of him and his laughable existence. You are excellent at dissecting the way narcissistic people think – apparently from first hand experience. Sorry for that. My sister’s ex-husband is a narcissist. She will never be the same.

    Conspiracy goat is hilarious.
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    • Michelle says:

      I am sorry for your sister and she probably will always be different, narcissists are insidious. Thank you so much, btw, writing about narcissism has helped me more than anything. Well, and time.

      Reply
  20. Kate says:

    My sister’s ex is a narcissist on steroids, literally and figuratively. Boy, they sure can take up a lot of space in your head, and fuck up your kids.

    Conspiracy Goat is my new favorite. Randy’s a genius.

    As for the spoiled manchild in the WH, all I can say is our next POTUS will have to do some serious clearing of bad juju. Not enough sage in the world for that.

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  21. Love it! Is Conspiracy Goat going to get an Instagram account or anything? I would follow Conspiracy Goat!

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  22. Onlyme says:

    As always, you are absolutely spot on here. Thanks for putting a little humor into days that seem too often lately to be swirling down the toilet of despair.

    Reply
  23. Jessie says:

    Amen, sister.
    (And sorry for writing a novel in your blog comments area.)

    Reply

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