The swirling vortex of thoughts and emotions during menopause would be FASCINATING if it weren’t for the fact that they are driving me insane. Also, my face is breaking out more than usual.
Here is a sampling of the rapidly cycling thoughts that can take place in a matter of 97 seconds or less:
This video is so sad.
You’re going to mess up your makeup.
Is the goddamn electric bill due? Of course it’s due. It’s always due.
I want to have sex NOW. Wonder what Randy is doing?
Who brought the donuts in? Motherfuckers.
Russell Crowe is sexy. Or at least he WAS sexy. I don’t know about now.
I need a chocolate IV
I never want to have sex again.
You’re crying over a kitten video?
Crazy bitch.
Why is it SO FUCKING HOT IN HERE?
I’m freezing.
Wonder if Randy still thinks I’m sexy?
My boobs are holding up really nicely.
I wish there was a restaurant that sold nothing but deep fried candy bars.
I should start that restaurant up.
What should I name it?
Why is the goddamn electric bill so high?
We should adopt an orphan.
We should adopt ALL THE ORPHANS.
Why are there even orphans? That’s too sad to think about. Watch the kitten video again.
What was that girl’s name who sat in front of me in Sister Charlene’s class? Wonder if she’s dead yet? Kathy something. Or Mary something. Most of them were Mary somethings.
You know who else is sexy? Don Draper. He’s sexy.
Why would you even THINK that? He’s a misogynistic git. Way to ruin it for all women.
Kathy Burke. Her name was Kathy Burke.
Now I’m thinking about Fight Club. His name was Robert Paulson.
I would have sex with Meatloaf right now. The person. Not the food.
Not with the bitch tits, though.
Although you never know until you try.
Now I want meatloaf. The food. Not the person.
Are you NUTS? You would never have sex with meatloaf.
Not right out of the oven at least.
In the spirit of honesty, most of these thoughts happened prior to menopause. Other than the ‘I’m freezing’ one. Also, I didn’t used to cry over every little fucking video I watched. And I’m pretty sure I never thought about sex with meatloaf before.
Thank you for this truly hilarious picture of what I have to look forward to in a couple of years. Except that I’m pretty sure that my menopause won’t be nearly as funny as your menopause.
I really don’t write TOO much about the unfunny parts…too fucking depressing. 🙂
How did you get inside my menopausal brain…and I’m with you on Meatloaf…but dude has to serenade me first…because..well..THAT VOICE!
It’s nice to know I’m not alone in this which makes it somewhat normal. Either that, or we’re both batshit.
I’m bowing down to you and your perfect fucking description of all us hyper-emotional, hormonal roller coaster balls of estrogen…or lack there of. Awesome post.
Thank you!! It probably took less than 10 minutes to write that post..all I had to do was shut up and listen to the voice in my head.
I love the “crying at a kitten” comment. I cry at: traffic lights, burritos, road construction, and mittens. Menopause is so bizzare!
hahah…awesome. I have not cried over burritos. Not yet.
Great post, haha love the thinking process!! You’re much pike any other woman out there, we all think this shit together 😉
Thank you!! It’s good to know that I’m not alone in this.