This has been a tough year so far, y’all.
I’m writing this post now because the last thing I want to do is write. I don’t want to do anything. This scares the shit out of me because no matter what, writing shit down has always been a place to be safe. It’s a place that makes me feel better.
In my defense, I’ve been sick for over 4 weeks now. I’m on my own goddamn nerves, just the sheer number of times I’ve said ‘I don’t feel good’ is annoying.
I’ve had bronchitis, ear infections and a sinus infection. Three rounds of antibiotics later and I still feel like shit. The doctor has decided to try Prednisone, so now I feel better, except for the fact the Prednisone makes me my stomach hurt and I’m starving. I have been swilling cough syrup laced with pain killer for weeks so life has taken on a slightly stoned and hazy feel that started out pleasant but has since become nightmarish.
Also, after my 5 days of steroids, the doc says I might go back to feeling bad and then I’ll have to go in for X-rays to see if I have some sinus damage in my face. I don’t even want to think about what that might mean. I so badly hope that I’m better. If first thing this morning is any indication, then I’m still sick and the steroids are just masking it.
How many prescription drugs can I take before my entire self says ‘Oh, fuck this’ and shuts down on me?
This is where my sinkhole comes in. I am waffling between anxiety and annoyance over everything and just letting go and falling into the depths of depression that is trying so fucking hard to suck me in.
I don’t want to go there.
My intention was to pepper this post with snarky little comments in italics. It would be funny. I’d make my descent into depression funny and use it as a psychic ladder and climb out of the hole.
Funny thing is, I can’t think of a single goddamn funny thing to say.
Every insecurity I have is braying at my heels right now.
Do you know what this sounds like? It sounds like you are fishing for sympathy. And you know people will be sympathetic and then you’ll squirm and be sorry you ever said anything about being depressed. Besides, no one wants to read this depressing shit.
Which is followed by:
HAHAHAH loser. Do you really think that many people read this anyway? You are delusional and sad.
At this point, the odds are 50/50 that this post will ever see the light of day.
I’ve been thinking a lot about the highly personal shit I’ve blogged about and it chokes me. What was I thinking? Do I really want that kind of exposure? I don’t trust many people and now I’m trusting the internet with all of my emotional damage?
Who does that?
Well, you know what they say: In for a penny, in for a pound.
Pressing publish.
A doc gave me steroids for my arthritic knees. It really does only mask the pain. The weakness underneath is still there, as I learned when I fell down some stairs.
.
Then, when I weaned off the ‘roids, the pain was almost unbearable. I really wanted to die. For myself, I’d rather keep suffering and stay on top of the pain than have it taken away only to be thrust upon me again.
.
I have the greatest sympathy for you. Continuing illness just sucks!
Yeah, that had to suck. I think I would agree..I’d rather just deal with it
I know this is going to pass, it just doesn’t FEEL like it’s ever going to pass and it’s getting to me.
Get out of my HEAD woman. And don’t worry, when I feel like shit I get depressed and weirded out over everything. I posted today about my medical stuff and thought, “Maybe I should just STFU.” I dunno. This is where we go. This is what we do to feel better, to get it all out. Right?
PS Feel better and all that good stuff. Sounds like you have had all of this WAY too long. 🙁 <— Obligatory frownie so you know I mean this in a "what a bummer" way not a "Get over it already" way.
And when you click my name above, it takes you to a pic of Pavlov. I should really get off the damned computer…
Thank you…and I could probably use a few ‘get over it already’ comments..
So sorry you’re going through this. Remember depression lies (and takes advantage of us when we’re otherwise sick as well).
http://thebloggess.com/2012/04/depression-lies/
Thank you. And thanks for the link. I’ve read it before, but I think I could really stand to read it again today. 🙂
I’m not going to give you sympathy if you don’t want it, but I’ll still feel bad for you on my own, without you knowing it! Once you feel better, you’ll feel better all round. Good luck friend.
Thanks, Rocco. I know this will pass..I know it will. It just doesn’t feel like it will right now.
So sorry you’re feeling like shit, physically and emotionally. When I’m so depressed that I don’t want to/can’t do a damn thing, I head over to the The Bloggess and read all of her depression posts – including the comments – even if I’ve already read them before. And/or I binge-watch my favorite shows on Netflix. (I watched the entire first season of Orange is the New Black in one day.) Neither of those activities fixes the actual problem, but they distract me enough to keep me alive for another day. And that’s enough.
Hope you get to feeling better very soon.
Ha! We have very similar ways of dealing with it..the only difference is swap out Supernatural or Buffy for Orange Is The New Black.
Oh, Michelle. I’ve been battling that same damn demon, and it’s like I’m balancing on the edge but leaning over way too far in one direction. After I made that Canvas post, I HATED myself. Same thing as up there – I was so embarrassed cause I don’t want anyone to think I want their pity, oh, I still don’t even want to think about that post. Anyway, I’ve got chronic pain problems so I basically feel shitty all the time and I just say, “fine” when people ask me how I feel, cause it’s just too much shit to go into. Nobody really wants to hear how I feel, physically, every day. It sucks. But I’m not trying to whine (even though I feel whiny) I’m trying to commiserate with you. I had a thought the other day that maybe it’s not enough that my meds keep me from jumping off a bridge – maybe if I feel like this so much, they aren’t doing their job. I don’t know. I started a new medicine today and I’m not making any sense.
I dunno..I think you made perfect sense..maybe we both don’t make sense?
And I hate steroids and hope you feel much better soon. God, I’m an asshole.
Ha..this actually made me smile. You are not an asshole! I liked your other comment. It gave me someone to wallow with for a minute. 🙂
Just wanted to let you know that I read you and many days feel your pain. Hoping you will be better soon. Oh and I am from South Africa.
Thank you! And hello all the way to South Africa!
This will pass. I think a lot of it is the drugs I’m taking..just fucking with my head. Thanks for letting me know that you’re reading though, I like that.
Ahh, sweetie. I sure hope you start feeling better. You are being read more than you probably appreciate, and appreciated more than you know.
I haven’t posted most of my *real* stuff online for the same reason, but I think you’re so brave for doing it.
I felt all emotional and weird at the end my post today, too, so maybe it’s the moon or something? It was suppOSed to be a short jokey post about trying to find something to watch on TV, and it went all sideways… but I hit publish anyway…
(hug)
Thanks. 🙂
I do appreciate the people who read my blog and I realize that comment sounded a little dismissive and unappreciative. I don’t mean it that way..just really feel like I’m swimming in goopy sick water right now.
Sometimes the posts that go sideways are the best ones.
I honestly don’t feel particularly brave posting the stuff I do..I feel disassociated from it..then I have moments when I realize that I’m TALKING ABOUT ME and I panic. I probably won’t stop though.
You didn’t sound dismissive…I totally hear ya. I think I’d be tempted to write more about me if I were more anonymous. I’ve thought about writing a different blog that doesn’t connect to me…no names, places, or connections…so if people who knew me read it, they wouldn’t KNOW it was me. But so far, I have enough to keep busy with, so those stories will probably have to go in the book The Bloggess calls “Now That Everyone’s Dead”… lol
And yeah…It’s probably the sick ick talking. Hang in there.
Have you been rooting around in my head again? I haven’t been sick this winter (knock wood), but everything else…yeah, that. Don’t worry about how you look to us, baby: we’re good.
Thanks…that made me smile..a REAL smile..not the fake, painful one that I’ve been trying to force lately.
READING!!!
EMPATHIZING!!!
God, depression is such a bitch. Almost as bad as Boogie Fever.
HAHAHA…I got the Boogie Fever again now!
Thanks for the empathy. I love empathy. Empathy feels good. 🙂
Being sick absolutely SUCKS and it sucks the life and humour out of you, too (spelled like Harry Potter just to try and be funny)
Hang in there, keep breathing, one day at a time, and everyone else has better advice than I do anyway, you can do it.
Thank you. I just have to keep reminding myself that this is going to pass..even though, at this moment, I don’t believe that AT ALL.
And Harry Potter references of any kind are always welcome.
I am so sorry you feel like a wet bag of shit. That SUCKS. I am so not good either when I am sick. If it’s more than two days of “I feel so sick. God, I feel like shit. I don’t feel good. Fuck, I ache all over” I am about ready to tell myself the same thing I used to tell my whiney ex-husband – “You’ve got 3 days to get better or die. Stop. Whining” But this flu has been such a bitch for so many people. I swear to Dog the aliens are trying to kill us all. Hang in there and know we love you and we can all relate to how you are feeling. Being sick is such a pain in the ass. And then when it goes on for weeeeeeks you wonder if it’s going to be the thing that finally kills you. You will get to the other side of this. Eventually. Until then, all you can do is try to distract yourself as much as you can and write. Even when you feel like crap, you still write so well and you speak to all of us. I will send some healing energy your way. I’d send you booze too if that would help! 🙂 xo Maybe a vacation on a warm sunny beach with fruity drinks and tanned, mute Cabana Boys would help? Just throwing that out there.
Waaah…I can’t drink on prednisone, so that won’t be happening, although, really..I don’t think I need a depressant right now.
Thank you so much.and yes, a warm sunny beach would be awesome right now.
A sunny beach and some fun and relaxation would probably be a huge relief. I really hope you are feeling better soon. If you are comfortable, I will honestly send some healing energy your way. Some warm, fuzzy, comforting energy that can wrap you up and soothe all the razor sharp edges of your soul. xoox
awww..thanks.
I know it will pass. And I will accept all the healing thoughts I can get.
Hugs from across the pond, it probably won’t help to know that I’m avoiding posting anything much anywhere at the moment for the same reason. Can’t say much except ‘mustn’t let the sink hole win’
xx
Thank you, sister. I know you’re in a rough way too and I’ve been thinking of you. Like I said..let’s keep our eyes on Spring. Shit has GOT to get better for both of us. We’re not letting this win. Fuck the sinkhole.
That fucking beast, depression, always lurks in dark corners waiting for us to let our guard down, and as soon as we’re busy spewing snot out of every orifice of our face, he pounces and tries to pull us under and make us drown in his dark little hole. Sending you a life line and hoping you’re not sinking. I know the feeling, but FOUR weeks….that’s just terrible.
Thank you, I’m gonna be fine. It’s been a pretty rough spot for me. I hate feeling like I can’t feel. I hate when I don’t care about anything.
I did get to have some fantastic cuddle time with my 11 year old niece this evening and that helped. 🙂
Not much I can say to help right now except I am right there with you. Prednisone does not help AT ALL when I am already going into the abyss of depression.
((hugs)) Fingers crossed you are able to make a full recovery, quickly, and be fully armed to fight the mental health demons.
I’ve dealt with a low grade depression for most of my life, with the occasional spike. It’s just when I’m sick, I have no defense (or at least very little) defense against it.
I’ve only got a short while on prednisone…I’m glad..I don’t like it, but I’m willing to have a red face and upset stomach for a few days if it will help me get over this shit.
I don’t have anything helpful to say, but I am sending you a ton of love!
I dunno..I would say that’s pretty fucking helpful. Thank you.
Well, if it’s a sinkhole you’re in, then you must be the shiniest Corvette in there… Or one of the shinier ones anyway. Here’s to a crane with some cargo straps coming (metaphorically) your way very soon as this has been going on for ENTIRELY TOO LONG!
Being both sick and depressed is awful. While I was in acute rehab from my stroke, my therapists liked my “positive attitude” before I could even get up out of a wheelchair, but last winter when we were dealing with a drugged-and-crazy room mate and I got the flu for 2 fucking days I was certain I would die from it. I kept telling myself: *perspective* but couldn’t seem to find any. Like the things I needed were exactly the things I couldn’t see from where I was. And this was last year’s flu that flattened people I know for days and days and some even weeks and I had it for 2 days and that’s all.
I think your readers care about you and like finding out what’s going on with you even when it’s not so good. I know I do.
Thanks, Doug..I appreciate this very much. I think I’m mostly just tired. And between the medicine and being worried about how long I’ve been sick, I’m having a hard time finding that perspective.
This will pass. It always does. It’s just while it’s going on, I kind of believe that this time it’s here to say. But as The Bloggess says…depression lies.
Last week, the flu. Sure helped my asthma. This week: praying to all the gods of chicken soup that i don’t have a sinus infection. 2014 is not off to a good start. And it wasn’t like 2013 was all that stellar! Everyone i know is sick, depressed, on Rx meds, miserable at best. including me. Do we all have Seasonal Affective disorder? EVERYBODY i know from Chicago to Florida’s coast can’t be suffering from too little sun, too much snow and cold. But we all are!
Want to chant?
Depression Lies.
Let’s go to Jenny’s!
I am NOT happy you are sick..not even a little..but damn, it’s nice to not be alone. It’s so frustrating to be this sick for so long. I can’t complain about 2013, it was so much better than previous years.
I think a lot of times it is easier to trust the whole fucking internet than it is to trust the people who actually surround us. At least, that’s the case for me. I don’t share things with very many people face to face, but then on my site, no one ever questions how I feel about something.
Uh, so I’m sure this isn’t going anywhere in helping you to feel better about things. It isn’t funny to help you laugh. But, hopefully, you’ll know you aren’t alone in sharing so much with strangers, and us strangers do feel like we know you. We do like hearing from you. While I’m sorry you feel like shit and have for so long, I’d rather hear it than just wonder where you are.
Thank you for that! I actually feel a little better today. I don’t entirely TRUST the feeling yet..but it’s kind of a reprieve.
Wow…sorry you have been sick so long! I had the flu over Christmas and was down for 4 days (which NEVER happens to me) and I thought it was an eternity.
Thank you for writing what so many of us are thinking, but don’t have the words to say. (Isn’t it weird how those of us who try to write are sometimes the very ones who can’t get the words out?) I think you are incredibly brave to share the things you do. Know that at least one person looks forward to what you have to say, even if it isn’t a “YES! That!” post.
Feel better soon. Steroids suck.
Thank you so much. Trust me when I say, that I get every bit as much from you guys and your validation and your support. It means more to me than I could ever adequately express.
I’m right there with you, sister. In fact, I was just sitting here at my kitchen table trying to drum up the motivation to write a post. But then I’m in a shit mood so I know I can’t write anything even remotely funny and no one wants to hear my depressing ramblings, etc, etc. Bleh. I’m sorry you’re feeling crappy. Be kind to yourself and know you’re not alone. xoxo
Thank you much. I feel a little better..or at the very least, see a tiny stream of light at the end of the tunnel. 🙂
Prednisone is the WORST. I have been on it for months at a time, and didn’t realize until after I weaned off it just how insane it made me. It takes everything that is already bad in your life and multiplies your response to it by about a thousand. Depression, anxiety, anger, all of it. (My point is, when in doubt, blame the meds.) Hope things are looking up for you.
That is good to know…sorry you had to go through it, though. I’m only on it for 5 days, but I do think it’s fucking with my head. I just had a harrowing drive in the snow, so I am extremely alert now..good news is, I don’t feel like complete shit..it’s Friday..and I have NO plans for the whole weekend..I’m just going to relax and maybe clean, since I haven’t done that for a month now.
Ugh. So sorry you are feeling shitty. You have every right to fall in to that depressive sinkhole of “is this ever going to get better?”
It will. One baby step at a time. In the meantime, keep swilling cough syrup and steroids.
Thank you! Today isn’t all that bad..I only have 2 doses left of the steroid, here’s to hoping it makes it all better.