I like Christmas. I really do. I like the lights and wrapping presents.
I dislike the money it sucks up, but that’s just part of it.
If I had to pick something I don’t like, I would say it’s those ‘This is what we’ve done for the past year’ letters. I’d even rather get that brick-like fruit cake that my came from my grandmother and has been cycling through the family years after her death. I’m pretty sure she inherited from her grandmother, so we’re going back to the Christmases of Lincoln at this point.
It can’t be just me that rolls their eyes at these missives.
I write a blog. I know a little something about being self-indulgent. Even so, those yearly Christmas letters make my inner attention whore look like she wears Victorian dress.
It is true that I’ve never really given them much of a chance. Maybe other people really WANT to know that you were able to take your kids to Disney for the 14th time!
Yes, we received a Christmas letter every year that kept track of the number of times they had ever been to Disney. It’s hard to not sneer at that.
Perhaps there is some merit to offering up a yearly recap. I’m going to go ahead and give this a shot. I’ve never done one before, so try to not judge too harshly. I’m not going to send it out in Christmas cards, I’ll just write it here. Besides, I gave up sending Christmas cards two years ago.
2013
2013 was a special year for our family. It was the Summer that we had to do without central air and a garbage disposal. We also lost the dishwasher and that was difficult. We thought the wash machine was going to expire as well, but after dumping the its contents once and flooding the basement, it got better.
Randy AND Joey BOTH bought black gym shoes in 2013! Unfortunately for Randy, his make his feet hurt.
Michelle had the same problem she had last year where booze makes her sick, so she had to cut WAAAAY back on her drinking. Happy fucking holidays, right?
Michelle also found a cut rate therapist. One she can afford! Although, in a recent session, the discount therapist told Michelle that she has seen demons. Not figurative demons. Not evil people. REAL demons. But you know what they say! You get what you pay for.
Zach and his lovely girlfriend got two pet snakes and now Michelle is all in a tizzy over what one gets their grandsnakes for Christmas.
Michelle decided to finally get rid of her lady stache and bought a groupon for six laser hair removal sessions. She made it four sessions before the technician burned the shit out of her face. We considered including a picture of her misshapen face in this letter, but it was truly disturbing. She also had the misfortune to get a staph infection from the burn. The good news is she was left with only barely visible scars.
Michelle was fortunate in that her doctor agreed to continue supplying her with anti-anxiety medication and those lovely pills she takes at night to help her sleep.
Randy managed to avoid all the doctor appointments that Michelle has been nagging him to make. This makes 6 years in a row! The entire family is proud of his dedication to ignoring the easily attended to health issues that go along with aging.
Michelle has been successful in continuing to ignore some truly troubling ongoing issues. One being the dead car in the driveway. It’s been months now. The warped and likely ruined floors in the kitchen and living room. The broke ass koi pond. Okay, the koi pond really isn’t a big deal, but it’s filled with stagnant water and we’re probably breeding a new species of super mosquitoes. Every once in a while, panic will set in when she realizes she’s reached the half century mark and has absolutely nothing saved for retirement, but then watches TV or drinks until the fear slithers back into the little box she keeps it in.
Joey got his learning permit and found that opened up a whole new world of arguing with his parents over how things work. It’s an exciting time for the entire family. Related note: If you live in the Southwestern part of Ohio, be extra careful on the roads.
No one we love died in 2013. The bills were nearly always paid on time with minimal disconnect notices and no actual disconnects, other than that one cell phone incident. 50% of the adults in the house really enjoy the work they do.
And there you have it…the 2013 recap. I hope you all spend this month doing the holiday things that you love to do, even if they involve that weird, creepy elf on the shelf thing and drinking nutmeg flavored phlegm. I believe some of you call that eggnog.
So…DEMONS? Did that really happen? Did you tell your therapist that since she is clearly the crazy one, you would need to charge HER for that particular session?
Everything in that post is the absolute truth. Yes…yes she did say that. And now I’m fascinated. And she’s only 10.00 a session.
Yeah, I would definitely pay $10/session just to see how far down the rabbit hole that goes…
I went last night and there was no demon talk. I’m going to have to try to bring it up again. I admit, I’m very curious.
warn me if your learner comes up to columbus, yeah?
i want to know when to get off the road. ;D
we’ve stuck close to home so far. He’s actually not doing bad…but definitely a ways away from a road trip. 🙂
Yearly recap letters? That’s a thing people do?
YES!!! They are usually a full page and they are full of nauseating brags about how perfect and wonderful and blessed their lives are.
You mean we have to save for retirement?! I’m sunk.
(I’m good at boxing that one up too. Although the box is leaking.)
Yeah, we were definitely supposed to do that. I’m going to have to work until I die. Fucking hell…
I’ve had to take care of a couple of different snakes, and they both had these electrically heated bricks that they coiled up around a lot, so maybe that is something to look into.
I’ll probably just pretend like they don’t exist…that’s how I’ve dealt with it so far.
Oh man, I will majorly be stealing this idea. It was one hell of a year and I feel like everyone should know about all I have to brag about (ha, right). Those letters always struck me as weird… I remember my parents receiving them when I lived at home. Hopefully they are something that dies out as the next generation takes over the world. Who needs those, or high school reunions, when everyone can just use facebook to lie and brag about their lives and hide the bad things?
I died laughing at the minimal scarring after laser hair removal, I am so sorry.
Exactly! We have FB now, those letters are no longer necessary. Or really..were never necessary. The scarring bit…there is so much more to that story. I really should write it down. I don’t know if I want to include the pictures, though. my upper lip protruded so much that I looked like a Simpsons character
LOL! I love it. I never read those. Well, I skim through my stepmom’s to see if I’ve managed to “make the letter”. It’s only happened twice, though. 😉
HAHAH…well…hopefully it was good stuff in the letter. It would suck to make the letter in a bad way.
I for one LOVED your 2013 Year in Recap! If all of those stupid letters were like this (honest) then they probably wouldn’t be so fucking bad. My wife tries really hard every year to send a Christmas card. Not a letter (thank God) but a card nonetheless. I’ve done a pretty good job the last 8 years making sure those cards never hit the mailbox.
Thank you! Yeah, I quit sending cards two years ago. It’s a pain in the ass and I don’t want to do it anymore.
I would totally pay ten bucks a session to hear about demons…..and leave feeling saner than she.
It was so bizarre. I handled it PRETTY well. I’m sure my face only settled into the ‘are you fucking insane’ look for a second or two..
You are effing *hilarious*, my dear. If people sent out Christmas letters like yours, I would actually read them.
On a more serious note, I don’t buy into the insidious self-promotion that Facebook and Twitter and other forms of social networking (and by extension, holiday letters) seem to promote – you know, the phenomenon by which we only share those carefully polished and highly edited versions of our lives, our “highlight reels,” while we keep the bloopers to ourselves. That’s bullshit.
That’s why most of my Facebook posts have to do with things like asking if anyone has a flamethrower so I can clean my house or admitting that instead of doing laundry I just went to Target and bought more underwear.
Anyway, keep up the good work, O Queen of Honesty.
Hahha..exactly!! all those feel good posts ALL the time are complete bullshit..and thank you. 🙂
You’re so welcome. Every time I see that you’ve posted a new blog entry, I do a happy Snoopy dance. Only I’m not nearly as cute as Snoopy (much too bitchy), and I’m totally awkward when I dance. But still… new Rubber Shoes post = joy for me.
I won’t write those letters, and I hate to get them–for the same reasons–“Here are pictures of us on the top of the Alps/on camels in Cairo/kayaking in China this year; now we’ve seen the wholeentireworld on vacation! Yay us!”, etc. Plus, yeah–Facebook…we already KNOW how freaking great their lives are. And that picture of their Starbucks every morning has really brightened my every.single.day.
Our year has sucked hind tit so much this year that a recap would make people want to send us money and/or pay for therapy for both of us. I don’t think I could even make it funny. I’m just going to drink lots of vodka til New Years’ and wait it out.
Oh, and I may decorate the house. So there’s that.
😛
so cranky today–thanks for the laugh though!!
Here is to hoping your 2014 is better. I feel you. Last year had it’s moments, but we had a few years in a row that I couldn’t have made funny no matter how hard I tried. I really can’t complain too much about last year.
My new gauge is: Are any of my kids using heroin? No? Good fucking year, then.
Oh girl. Yep, that’s a great year.
sounds like you have a nice family
Yes…yes, we really do, don’t we?
Nutmeg flavored phlegm is the best description of eggnog I have ever heard!!! I hate that shit!
Right? it’s nasty
Michelle, wouldn’t it be great if more letters were truly honest like yours. That would make it so much more entertaining.
Right? Give me some honesty…THAT is always interesting.
That is a great letter. I would welcome reading this. Adding pictures would enhance it and you know people would share it on Christmas day!
Hahah…yeah…pictures at my house usually end before they start with this: Do NOT take my fucking picture…