I was a serious child. I was serious about everything. I worried at a professional level before I was 10 years old. By the time I was 11 years old, I was drinking Maalox as a bedtime snack.
I was a fairly serious teenager and grew into an anxious young adult.
Now that I’ve reached the half century mark, I work very hard at not taking things too seriously.
I spent far too many years not appreciating silliness in myself and it’s not like I can’t be fucking silly.
With all that said, I’m wondering if I haven’t already made a mistake with my new cut rate therapy by not taking it seriously enough.
I mentioned a few posts ago that I found an intern who I renamed Dawn who is available for sessions for 10.00. I can afford 10.00 sessions. My goal was to learn more about narcissism and being the child of a narcissist and maybe shake loose some more of the rotten shit that is clinging to my grey matter. Mostly though, I was looking forward to exploring new material to write about.
We met last night and Dawn is a lovely young woman.
Younger than 3 of my 4 children.
Does this mean that she can’t be a therapist? No. Am I struggling with dumping the contents of my head out on the table for someone half my age to sift through? Yes.
How much is she going to help me? I might not have a degree in psychology, but I CAN read and I have literally decades more experience.
What is she going to say that will help me process the fact that I have been at least partially molded into who I am today by my father’s mental illness? What is she going to say that will change that? Or make me feel better about it?
Another aspect I am struggling with is this..if I am not taking it seriously enough or am too skeptical, aren’t I doing this girl who is trying to grow into what I imagine is a fairly difficult job a disservice?
What if she throws herself into helping me and I bat away her efforts with sarcasm or use the time to mentally store up material to write about on my blog without regards to her efforts or growth? What if by doing that she becomes disheartened and decides that she isn’t cut out to become a therapist and ends up spending her young life swinging on a pole and drifting from one bad relationship to the next? There could be kids involved! And you KNOW those kids would be fucked up. They’d end up drug dealers or substance abusers. What if one of those kids, thanks to me fucking up their mother’s career, drives while intoxicated and runs over the ONE person who could have ended world hunger?
I could be ruining it for everyone.
On the other hand…it IS my 10.00 and my hour. I can spend them as I please.
I made a second appointment. I think I will just see where it takes me.