An Open Letter To The Dude In The Next Car

I’ve never done an open letter before. At least, I don’t think I have. I am nearly positive I’ve never written an “open letter” post. I’m too lazy to check. Let’s just operate on the premise I’ve never written an open letter before. Β Not that it makes a difference either way.

I am also pretty sure I’m going to do the whole “open letter” thing wrong. All the open letter posts I’ve seen are usually someone who is displeased with someone else and they write a shouty post about it. For instance, there is a mommy blogger who recently wrote a post saying how much she hates mommy bloggers. Her article has some people a little twisted up.

I literally just spent the past five minutes deciding whether or not to include a link to the blog in question. Do I want to drive more traffic to her blog? I’m thinking no. It’s a really long article anyway and if you don’t blog, you’d probably be bored by it.Β 

My thoughts about the article can be boiled down to two things. Who gives a fuck if someone hates your blog? Is one person going to stop you from writing? Because if so, you should probably just stop writing. My other takeaway is that it was funny to me that a mommy blogger so thoroughly dissed other mommy bloggers. That’s like saying “I fucking hate chocolate so much. Chocolate is all I eat.” Mostly though, I don’t care. I’m not a mommy blogger.

But I really digress.

My open letter isn’t to rant to the guy in the next car, but rather to offer an explanation. Perhaps, set his mind at ease.

Dear dude in the next car,

I assure you, my husband Randy was never in any danger. You totally misunderstood my bizarre hand motions.

Let me explain, the reason why I was doing terribly violent jazz hands is because…well..I forget. I just know myΒ an open letter to the dude in the next car husband said something funny and I was laughing, which might have looked like yelling. Another thing that may have confused you is the look Randy had on his face. Randy only looks stoic. He usually has a look on his face that one would expect from a person getting yelled at. Randy isn’t particularly stoic. Unless we change the meaning of stoic to mean goofy. Because then I would say he is stoic as fuck.

When Randy glanced over and saw your face, he lost his stoicism. He looked at me and said “Look at that guy. He thinks you’re yelling at me.” Then, he cracked up.

Dude, your cross between a smirk and and look of commiseration was the best thing I saw all morning. I could feel you sending positive vibes to my husband and I could also feel you laughing at him. I could very nearly hear your voice saying “Oh, you poor bastard”.

Anyway, I just wanted to assure you that Randy is fine and was not getting yelled at. I also wanted to thank you for the laugh because the look on your face was funnier than whatever I was laughing about in the first place.


Okay, well that was fun. My first open letter. I think I might write an open letter to my backyard and apologize for the near constant neglect. Or I might just watch some Netflix.



Add your comments below. Profanity is encouraged, but not required. ;)
  1. Troll says:

    Satisfies me that it’s an open letter and not a rant.

    Is your traffic backed up like that everyday or did you grab a picture offa the ‘Net?

    I want to write an open letter to the woman I blocked yesterday. Who in the FUCK does she think she is to judge me and tell me, seeming to remind me, that I have issues to resolve. Well no kidding. I’ve been working on them for my entire life. Born mentally ill due to genetics from older parents. Predisposed to get it.

    Oh, that’s right. She’s christian, that gives her the right to judge me.

    Sorry for going off topic. It still bothers me. Fuck that ‘working on my issues’ (between me and my shrink) and FUCK her.

  2. I sure would have hated to be stuck in that traffic although here in DFW it happens all the time. As for the open letter I loved it. And I would like to do one sometime but just do not have the courage. And I would have liked to read the other Bloggers post as I could be classified as a “MOMMY BLOGGER” and if she doesn’t like me that is here loss.
    Glenda Cates recently posted…Homeschool Resource Math Games and WorksheetsMy Profile

  3. Wendy says:

    Bet he regaled the guys at work about the poor bastard whose day started with a ranty wife… Maybe he’ll even blog about it…
    Wendy recently posted…Broken bickiesMy Profile

  4. It seems like my husband gets those looks quite a bit. Even from me the poor bastard!
    Rena McDaniel recently posted…New Treatment Could Mean the End of Alzheimer’s DiseaseMy Profile

  5. Terri Lee says:

    I could actually picture this happening as I read it and I was cracking up! It’s the little things, isn’t it, that can suddenly make your commute a more comical one. πŸ˜€

    Some of the things I’ve read in “mommy blogs” have made me raise an eyebrow and think, “And this woman is raising part of a new generation? Shoot……” No, I’m not talking about ANY of your posts, Michelle! HAHA! Your kids are cool and have senses of humor!

    • Michelle says:

      yeah, I am not a fan of every blog out there, no doubt. BUT..that doesn’t mean I would take time to write a post to discourage them from writing. What is the fucking point of that?

      • Lisa K says:

        *plops down next to George*
        Did you read what Doug in Oakland wrote about US πŸ™‚
        *one eyebrow wiggle*
        *huge cheezy grin*
        *high fives Terri Lee*

  6. Mila says:

    Whatever happened to the open letter being shouty and displeased. This…this is like a nice open letter. I’m not sure about anything in life anymore.
    Mila recently posted…The Non-Writing PostMy Profile

  7. Lisa K says:

    I might be able to start an open letter, but… nine times out of ten it was doomed to be a rant … in open letter format πŸ˜‰

    I wish the Dude knew to read this.
    I wish the Dude knew he caused laughter and smiles for you… and us!

    I think contemplating ‘send the Mommy blogger traffic’ vs. ‘keep people away from her sniveling’ shows true love for your readers and an awareness of what lures us and hurts us.

    I can imagine Randy has had to learn several different stoic reactions to ‘most’ of what you say, think about and ‘do.’

    Gotta Love the Big Guy. When the pill’s not working, he bravely holds you in your place til you get the blog out of it πŸ™‚

    C’mon… which Mommy blogger???

  8. KK says:

    Ha, see now that there is sitcom gold, hope you’re writing the series
    Yeah, I don’t get the ‘let’s bash everyone for doing exactly what I’m doing, but I’m obviously so much better’ mentality. Then again, I find that women seem to be their own worst enemy in general, it’s just the same in the music industry and it’s hard enough. We should be giving each other a hand, not tripping each other up.

  9. Lisa K says:

    Fuck it…
    Shoulda listened to you…
    Way long… made the first two paragraphs of the actual content and saw the little measuring thing on the right side of the page was really little and still at the top.

    VERY negative… made me anxious just whiffing the lead sentences of the paragraphs as I scrolled to see if anything could catch my eye…

    Came back here where it’s safe.

    Don’t even think about it, Terri Lee… No amount of curiosity is worth it πŸ™‚

    • Michelle says:

      I just felt like it was very mean. And while I got her point on some things..I didn’t get the POINT of her point. Was it just to discourage other writers? Where is the benefit in that?

      • Lisa K says:

        That is EXACTLY how I felt… she’s making the point that these ‘bad’ bloggers could do something else besides blog about it…
        But to ‘unfollow’ bad followers?
        What the fuckity fuck???
        That’s totally defeating the ‘numbers’ and ‘statistics’ that support a worthy blog… Right?
        I think she may need to check her meds, as well…
        See… I’m really glad you include links, like Halfa1000miles? Love her… and I’m going to check out Mila’s ‘The Non-Writing Post’ because I liked her answer to you πŸ˜‰
        That’s what blogging is supposed to be about and represent… random people writing random shit you may or may not want to read.
        Thank YOU, BTW, for the shit I wanna read!

        • Michelle says:

          You are so very welcome! πŸ™‚

          I’m glad you’re checking out other blogs..there are some seriously talented people out there. I read a lot of blogs, I’m not always good at commenting because I only have so much time in the day. haha…but I do read the blogs of the people who comment here. What a fascinating and diverse group!

          • Lisa K says:

            Yeah, you got the good group, for sure πŸ™‚
            Plus, I like how you (Randy πŸ™‚ ) has it set up so we can comment back and forth instead of just a string of comments that you have to scroll and unscroll to match up…
            That way, if people want to skip my contributions, they can πŸ™‚
            I’ll bet there’s a few in real life who wish they could scroll past me!
            Ha fucking ha

  10. Marisette says:

    Open letter to Randy – only because you blame him (or give him credit?) for your blog site setup. Could you please put in a search feature, or a way that I can find the blog posts from beginning to end? Yes. I want to read each and every post in order. I’m OCD like that. Actually, I prefer CDO – it’s alphabetical. Anyway, I’m having a hard time finding the beginning, and I couldn’t find back the post with the catapult at all. Which, of course, was brilliant so I wanted to re-read it. Also, while I’m making demands, please put up a sticky post about your book. I will buy it. Notice I said “will”, not “would”, because I know you will finish and publish it. Unless you already did. Because no search.

    • Michelle says:

      HAHHAHA…’s not written yet. I will talk to Randy about a search function. I am right there with you, actually. I can’t find my shit, either. Anyway, here is the link to the very first RSIH post.

      I’m kind of cringing. When I read my old stuff, I just want to go in and edit the shit out of it. haha.

      • Lisa K says:

        Thank You πŸ™‚ Marisette!!

        Michelle, we talked about re-reading… I’m the re-reader, you’re the ‘Posted.’


      • Marisette says:

        Thanks Michelle! Just reporting another weirdness (for Randy): I followed the “older posts” link and landed in a different place today than I did yesterday. (BTW, I spent a large part of the rest of my birthday with you – there’s no better gift than laughter – except for having my brother fly in from Atlanta as a surprise, so it was the BEST.)

        So a listing of all posts might still be useful even if there were a search feature.

        Another BTW, I commented on your root canal versus performance review post (root canal, definitely) that I was also a programmer and hadn’t thought of the infinite loop thing (jealous). But I wanted to add that maybe I didn’t need it, since “All hail the software queen” has been uttered in my workplace. And as usual, I was the only female there, so it almost had to be me.

        • Michelle says:

          Well, there is no IT dept has to get on the ball. HAHAHA. It’s funny, I’m the IT person, but I know nothing about this shit. I work on ancient ass computers, so new stuff is foreign to me and I don’t want to learn it. My brain is full. haha.

      • Randy says:

        All the articles are contained in the archive and sorted by topic. Due to site performance issues and duplication penalties, creating another date based archive won’t work.

        As for a search function, exactly what would you search for?

  11. Haralee says:

    The things you see in traffic in the next car over! I do hate when people have their windows down and their music at top level. I mean it is morning and I have my coffee and I am wrapped up in fabric because I spill easily. I do wonder occasionaly what people think I am wearing.

    • Michelle says:

      I always like hearing what other people listen to. But I also like eavesdropping on conversations. It’s one of my favorite things to do. I find the other humans so freaking fascinating. When I’m not annoyed by them. Which is often.

  12. I am an “open letter” virgin. I do like to read them. I don’t even want to think about all the years I drove my kids to school in my bathrobe on, disheveled hair, and a cup of coffee in one hand. I must have been the talk of the neighborhood. YIKES!

  13. While I definitely enjoyed your open letter post (as I do all your posts), wouldn’t it be cool if we could communicate with other drivers telepathically so we could know our thoughts/messages get to them specifically? Especially the dickheads who do stupid stuff? On second thought, maybe that wouldn’t work so well, given some of the things I’ve yelled at other drivers (from the privacy of my own car) and how it could piss them off. Oh, well. It was just a thought.

  14. I think the rule about open letters is the same one that applies to most other writing forms: it’s a nice general term but there are no hard and fast rules. Besides this is your blog and you get to set the rules here, and I believe your only rule is you want to be funny.
    And you nailed it with “terribly violent jazz hands”.
    A mommy blogger complaining about mommy bloggers does seem odd, to put it mildly, but it reminds me of an article I read many years ago in a writing magazine. The gist of it was, “Most of us who want to be writers aren’t going to succeed so go ahead and quit now.”

    At least that’s what the article said. I’m pretty sure the implied meaning was, “I can’t handle competition. Y’all get out of my way.” I was pretty amazed a magazine published that shit and I suspect it was only because oral sex was performed on at least one editor.
    Christopher recently posted…Did You Notice This?My Profile

    • Michelle says:

      I don’t get the discouragement. There are never going to be enough words written. There is room for all of us..anyone who wants to write. I just found that post mean…I DID agree with some of it..but I didn’t get the point of it. Just because I agreed, doesn’t mean I would say it. You don’t have to always say everything you think. Dear god…if I did, I would be a lonely motherfucker.

  15. Katnap says:

    You cracked me up at “I’m too lazy to check”…
    I gotta tell ya, at first I did imagine your hands reaching for Randy’s neck, and I apologize for that unkind, presumptive leap. You’d never do that, M (in traffic). Isn’t it funny how these random moments affect your day? A complete stranger can unknowingly trigger the reset button. A few days ago I was paying for a pair of Sketchers and noticed the cashier’s name tag: Mustapha. This dude was a ginger. I kept my mouth shut. I was good. But for the rest of the day, I kept trying to imagine different scenarios whereby a little red-haired baby is bestowed that particular name. This held just enough of my attention to distract me from my usual worries. Later when I told my older daughter, she asked if he was about her age (mid-twenties, yes) and said he was probably wearing his co-worker’s tag just to fuck people up. Really? Good one. Mission accomplished. (I hope it’s true, because that name means “the chosen one” and he’s working at Sears! Well, so’s his co-worker, but he’s probably not a ginger.) Anyways, while reading your post I thought, “M, you’re fucked up” and I meant it in the nicest way, because you always make me laugh. (Next time you two are driving together, wear puppets. You, not R. Just an idea. Cuz you do move your hands a lot.)

  16. All I can say is you obviously inspire your readers to offer some of the best and funniest comments. I enjoy reading the comments here almost as much as reading your post. I did say “almost” so don’t wave any jazz hands at me.

  17. Doug in Oakland says:

    You had me all ready for a shoutycrackers rantosaurus open letter, then it was just hilarious (as usual).
    I, for one, enjoy reading Lisa K and Terri Lee’s comments.
    You do have a very high quality tribe here, and I try to keep my input up to that level.
    Also, you would be amazed at what you can see other drivers get up to when you are observing from the higher elevation of the cab of a delivery truck…

    • Michelle says:

      I can imagine. Or I probably don’t want to imagine because ewwwww

      • Lisa K says:

        Thanks, Doug in Oakland πŸ™‚
        Michelle makes it pretty comfy in here, alright… good reading, good points, good talks… good friends!
        *holds fraternity sized beer stein up high*

  18. Bradley says:

    I live in Los Angeles where we don’t have highways. We have long skinny parking lots. It gives plenty of time to see what other people are doing in their cars and usually is entertaining.
    Bradley recently posted…Weekly Wrap-Up May 16, 2016My Profile

  19. Ha! Love this post. If someone wrote us an open letter, it would be to tell us to stop being such crabasses.

    My Hubster and I crack up all day. We have a great time doing nothing. We are the laughingest people ever.

    But for those few minutes when we’re just sitting there, we both look mean as shit. I have the worst Bitchy Resting Face ever, and he has really mean eyebrows and just looks mad at the world. We look like we’re fighting and about to throw down. Someone once held up a sign that said “Cheer Up” and we found that to be hilarious.
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    • Michelle says:

      That is so funny. Randy and I both have kind of mean expressions when we aren’t laughing. I get told that all the time! “WHY ARE YOU MAD???”’s just my face.

  20. ha ha ha ha ha ha . .
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  21. Liv says:

    Now I feel bad because I didn’t meet Randy. I’ll bet he’s awesome as fuck.
    Liv recently posted…The City in my MindMy Profile


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