You know how they say “you learn something new everyday”?
Since I started this job a little less than two years ago, I’ve learned a lot. Mostly, I’ve learned how to work on code that was written when Reagan was in office. I wish I were kidding.
I also work with a network dude who must spend every spare minute he can reading about shit that I would never think to read about. I learn weird things from him all the time. Well, he explains shit to me which I often forget. Or, I remember the information wrong or remember it in pieces. I try to explain these thoughts to Randy which end up sounding like a poorly written episode of Doctor Who.
Anyway, today, I learned about the Mandela Effect.
The Mandela Effect is a theory of parallel universes, based in the idea that because large groups of people have similar alternative memories about past events. Advocates of the theory claim that for these collective experiences to be true, the fabric of reality must have shifted at some point in the past, and that therefore not only do parallel, inhabitable universes exist, but that we are constantly switching between them.
The reason it’s called the Mandela Effect is because there were jillions of people who, when Nelson Mandela died in 2013, had been positive that he died in prison in the eighties. The theory is, in another universe, he did die in the eighties and people aren’t mis-remembering anything. They just slipped into this dimension where he died in 2013.
The network dude explained the Mandela Effect to me by asking me if I remembered the series of children’s books that involved a family of bears whose name started with a “B”.
Me: Yeah, The Berenstein Bears.
Network dude: How do you spell it?
Me: B E R E N S T E I N
Network guy: Right!
Network guy: Except you’re wrong. It’s the Berenstain Bears. Stain.
Me: Nuh uh.
Network guy: Exactly.
The rest of the afternoon, he sent me a series of emails with questions to see if I had the same memories that a large number of the population have. For instance, who was the guy who narrated The Twilight Zone? I responded: Rod Serling.
He said that I was one of “them”, because everyone knows that he was really Rod Sterling. I told him that people who thought it was Rod Sterling are the same people who pronounce sherbet as sherbert. Then he said mispronouncing words has nothing to do with the Mandala Effect. I’m pretty sure in an alternate universe, sherbet is pretty goddamn important. I mean, you can’t have punch without sherbet and what kind of existence is that?
Even when discussing the possibility of alternate planes of existence, I have to have context for food.
It occurs to me the Mandela Effect might explain a few things. Like how I think I can make macaroni and cheese that isn’t either 
greasy as fuck or dry enough to suck the moisture out of a room. Or, that it’s possible to occasionally have coffee in the evening without getting heartburn. The “other” me apparently makes the shit out of mac and cheese and doesn’t have acid reflux issues. It’s also possible that I don’t understand the theory that well. Maybe, I saw something like this on Doctor Who. Although, I do not recall there being any episodes of Doctor Who that revolves around mac and cheese. Maybe, in the sherbet universe there’s one.
At the moment, Randy is watching some baseball documentary and laughing which sounds like bizarro world to me. Baseball documentaries are boring. And the opposite of funny.
I asked him to pause the program and read the first part of this post to Randy.
Me: What do you think so far?
Randy: I think you should change that line from “a poorly written episode of Doctor Who” to “all of the episodes of Doctor Who“.
Motherfucker is hilarious. I knew he’d make some sort of crack like that (because it happened in a parallel universe – ed). Pretty sure the comment would have been word-for-word spoken in all the dimensions.
Also, Randy can never ever ever know about the Mandela Effect.
Seriously.
He is already goddamn impossible to argue with. Randy makes ridiculous leaps in a single bound. His logic flees the argument faster than a speeding bullet. These combined things makes my annoyance stronger than a locomotive.
If he learns about the Mandela Effect, he’ll use it in arguments. I just know it. He’ll make a leap that doesn’t quite catch, say “Mandela Effect”, shrug, and ask why I’m in such a crabby mood.
Here is an example of the bizarre leaps Randy will take:
When we would drive to Peru, IN to visit his mother, we would pass a bright red country store with a huge ice cream cone sign out in front. I wanted to stop there more than anything. Any store painted that shade of red had to be filled with magic beans and fairy dust.
Every time we passed, I would say, “Hey, Randy, let’s stop at that store.” Randy would say “what store?” and pretend like he couldn’t see the red store until we passed it. After a few million trips past the store, I stopped trying. He had some burning seething hatred for that store, because no way was he stopping. Then one day, as we approached the red store, that by now looked about the color of dark pink Avon lipstick, he said “There’s that store you used to always want to go to.” I said “Yes, yes it is. I don’t want to stop there anymore, and you were a dick.”
Here’s where his ridiculous leaps comes in.
He said, “Well, you picked where we went on vacation last.”
You know that thing you do when you have all the fucking words trying to get out at once and you can’t and you end up sputtering like Speed Buggy? I did that. First of all, what the fucking fuck kind of sense does that make? How does where we went on vacation have anything to do with him being a dick by never stopping at the magic red store? And, at that point in time, I did not pick the last vacation we took. He fucking did. So, not only did his argument make no goddamn sense, but it wasn’t even accurate.
For the record, that vacation was one where we took Joey to Maine, Boston, and New York City. Joey was 7 and he loved New York so goddamn much. That vacation was one of my favorites. However, that in no way excuses Randy’s argument.
What do you think he’d do with the Mandela Effect? He’d just say in another dimension, we did go to the red store and I just don’t remember because I wasn’t into the whole parallel universe thing that day. And that the ice cream was freezer burned.
I wonder if you ever got the book, “Time Storms.” I gave my copy to Santee to read and return and he died before he could return it.
There were no stories in there that were exactly like our experience anyway, Close but no cigar.
You know I believe that time and space aren’t all they’re cracked up to be. I’m not going to relate that story to all again. If they didn’t see it the first time they’re shit out of luck. B-)
Nice article. Seems like I’ve read this before.
Hahaha..I see what you did there.
I did not read that book, but I am going to check into it. Thank you!
Mind blown.
That whole dream universe in my head actually does exist somewhere – and I really did go to an Egyptian museum in Paris. Damn.
I think I saw you there!
Yay!
A name for the reason I have teeth marks on my tongue. The ‘Mandela Effect Argument.’
Why can’t you use the same tactic when Randy throws words around all ‘la-di-dah’ like that.
Channel Christopher Walken.
I knew that fucker was hiding something.
He’s the ‘Mandela Effect Argument Winner.’
Michelle: Yes, but before I chose the last vacation, YOU chose which Satan’s Butt Paste to put in the fridge before you said ‘No’ to the pony and killed my Metal White Snake.
Randy:*blank argument losing stare*
Or, something like that.
*spits chunks of tongue out*
HAHHAHAHAHA…I adore you
You see, Lisa, I always have a blank stare. Michelle refers to me as “stoic”, but in reality, I’m processing 427,392,110 thoughts simultaneously while a 24 hour jukebox plays.
In my parallel universe, I think I would have volunteered to drive to Peru, IN, and pulled into the store on the way. Freezer burned ice cream or no. Thanks for making my head spin this morning. 🙂
Hahah…well, I am not gonna lie..it gave me something to complain about which made the last 30 minutes of the trip go by more quickly.
Argh, arguing with men is the worst. Mine would say ‘driving at night in the rain is great, right?’ And I would go ‘sure…wait…what…why would it even…no, it’s not…why you think it is?…am I missing something…who’s the crazy one here?’
Maybe in the parallel universe we all understand each other. *eye roll*
OR it is even worse. Best to stay put with the devil we know.
I love science fiction books and movies about shaking time up in some way.
Robert Heinlein’s final book had stuff like that in it – the main character goes to an alternate reality where William Jennings Bryan had won the Presidency. That show “Sliders” did the same thing, but didn’t have as nerdy of alternates as who won the Presidency in 1896.
In real life, it’s not as confusing as it’s made out to be. My version fo what the past contains is the right one, in exactly the way I remember it. How everyone else remembers it is just wrong.
I like your spin on things. 🙂
Most of the time I’m on Randy’s side. Well, frequently anyway. More than half the time. On a few occasions, now that I think about it. At least once. Anyway I’m kind of slack-jawed at his assholishness right now. I might have been able to forgive ignoring the ice cream place if he hadn’t made that low blow against Doctor Who.
I know Randy is a decent guy but I feel like there’s an alternative universe where he’s a major dick and sometimes a quantum thingy happens and the two cross over and that other universe gets the benefit of the Randy who wants to stop at the ice cream shop and likes Doctor Who. Then everything switches again and in that alternative universe he goes back to his hobby of setting guinea pigs on fire.
Actually I think The Mandela Effect is bullshit and a way for people who are simply wrong to try and claim they’re right.
Maybe there are universes where they’re right but this is the one that matters. Now put down those guinea pigs, Randy, and get back to the universe where you belong.
HAHAHAH…in ALL universes he would talk shit about Doctor Who. As far as the store goes..if I had cared THAT much, we would have gone to the goddamn red store. 🙂
I think the motto of the story is that you should drive so you can stop where you want to stop. Make sure you take the keys with you so that Randy can’t drive away without you.
Parallel universe or not? Stop at the red store!
I DO drive more often than I used to. It just works out better for us. Other than Randy is white knuckling it because he’s a baby.
You crack me up!
My son and I were just talking about those stupid bears the other day. He was cleaning out his bookcase and came running in and said “it’s spelled with an a not an e! My whole childhood has been a lie!”
But, them again, he knows a good Dr. Who show when he sees one…
Hahah..no, he just correctly remembers them from another dimension
I learned something here. I learned I can mis-recall things and blame it on the Mandela Effect! Thanks.
I am going to pretend this is the reason I lost my last bet. I NEVER bet unless I am 100% sure of the answer, but lost because I said there was no way that girl’s name from The Hills was Audrina Patridge. Of course it was Partridge. I could not have seen that hundreds of times and missed it every time. But yeah, in THIS universe I did.
You are skating into Randy territory. hahahaha
As long as he’s not using said effect for revisionist history shenanigans, I’m OK with it. Now Nelson Mandela, on the other hand, probably wasn’t. There’s a wonderful video of Nelson Mandela dancing onstage with Johnny Clegg, during a song called Asimbonanga that Clegg wrote for Mandela while he was still in prison. There’s also another wonderful video of the Soweto Gospel Choir singing that song in a Woolworth’s in Pretoria in honor of Mandela after his passing.
Yeah, NO shenanigans! And thank you for spelling shenanigans correctly because I would have had to look that up.
Well, I’d like to be all “I spelled that shit correctly because one of my favorite blogs is named Fisticuffs and Shenanigans” but the sad truth is that when the wavy red line appeared beneath it, I just highlighted and right clicked it and selected the correct spelling from what came up.
HAHAHAHAHA
Wait. Nelson Mandela’s dead?
You must have skipped ahead a few dimensions.
Or back.
Because John Lennon and JFK are totally still kicking, right?
RIGHT?
I think maybe you got spliced.
I wonder if it’s a male thing because Al makes similar leaps that are no way connected at all. And then wonders why I look at him as if to say “What are you smoking ?” because there is no way that anything of what he just said makes the least bit of sense. Sometimes he even tries to explain his ‘logic’ to me – but I still don’t get it.
Drives me crazy !!!! And you should see K when that happens – her eyes roll out her head completely and she just shakes her head !!!
Have the best weekend xox
Hahaah..that sounds like Joey when he listens to it. He cracks up at his dad all the time.
OH MY GEE…
IVE BEEN CHEWING ON THIS ALL DAY AND IT OCCURRED TO ME THAT YOUR THEORY WOULD SUGGEST THAT IN SOME UNIVERSE ALL THE SHIT THAT COMES OUT OF MY EX’s MOUTH IS ACTUALLY TRUE??!!!
Say it isn’t so.
That would be the universe you should just steer clear of. Don’t even stop there for gas.
This was a total riot, can’t believe it’s taken me this long to get around to reading it. Thanks for the laugh, I needed it.
Thank you!!!