You know what is as unlikely as finding alligators in the sewer? Me, pooping on vacation.
I have written about my fucked up childhood. I have had no problems discussing my issues with anxiety and depression. I made a decision while writing this blog that I am who I am. I would not contribute to treating mental illness as something that is shameful.
Writing about my struggles has made me a stronger person. I have gone from forming an uneasy truce with myself to actually digging who I am. Mostly. Fine, not always, but still, I am always moving forward and the journey is amazing.
If you’ve noticed, what I don’t talk about is sex or, god forbid, pooping.
I am uptight when it comes to bodily functions. I mean, I would rather have all my fingernails fall off than discuss pooping. I would rather Randy lose his left nut rather than talk about pooping. That’s not much of a sacrifice though, because I don’t think he still needs both of them. I don’t know. He might disagree.
I was so fucking anxious over pooping, that when Randy and I first moved in together, I would get up in the middle of the night to poop. I at least gave that practice up. You just can’t sustain that one for long. I think I made it about 6 months.
So, what I am doing? I am slaying my poop monster. Which sounds really unsanitary.
Randy and I have been together for decades now. I am still uptight about most bodily functions around him. Except nose blowing. I’m cool with nose blowing. I had my deviated septum fixed about 10 years ago and now, when I blow my nose, it sounds like a party streamer. The sound makes Randy laugh.
But I digress.
So, I have dealt with anxiety for years which contributes to near constant IBS. I never have a problem with not pooping. Unless, we’re on vacation. I’m pretty sure my bowels know when we’ve crossed a few state lines and they say Yay! We’re on vacation, too! We don’t have to work at all for at least a week! Then, they seize up and close shop.
When the trip is over and we are within shouting distance of home, they start back up with a vengeance and work over time for a few days.
It occurred to me while on vacation, that I have never spoken the actual words “I have to poop” to Randy even once.
I just tell him in code. For instance:
“My lower back hurts.” = “I have to poop.”
“My stomach hurts.” = “I have to poop.”
“No, I don’t want to go anywhere else. I want to go home.” = “I have to poop.”
“I have to pee.” = “I have to poop.” I mean, not always. A lot of the time I really just have to pee.
“I’ll be back in a minute.” = “I have to poop.”
“FOR ALL THAT IS HOLY I DON’T CARE IF YOU HAVE TO RUN THE LIGHTS. GET ME HOME!” = “I have to poop now.”
Randy, who is in no way delicate, has always been kind about my weird poop hang up. He doesn’t tease me about it and we tease each other about everything. He has even adopted my habit of referring to diarrhea as “severe intestinal distress”.
I will be 53 years old in a few months. 53 goddamn years old. And I am still weirdly uptight about defecating? That’s dumb.
Did any of you get the book Everybody Poops for your kids? I need a version of that book for adults. Or, maybe a Talking About Poop For Dummies book.
I’ve decided that I’ve grown up enough to stop worrying about the fact that my digestive system works the same as every other human’s digestive system.
To Randy, my darling husband and light of my life. I hate to break this to you, but I poop.
Oh wow – you are telling my story! It’s hard to explain to proud anywhere-poopers why your own pooper shuts down on vacation but shit just doesn’t happen… I have the added challenge of being single and having to explain this problem – or not – to a new boyfriend. Thanks for fearless storytelling. Love your blog btw. It’s the only one i follow.
oh my gosh..thank you so much! I am honored! I’m glad you like it and it’s good to know I’m not the only one with weird poop hang ups.
Michelle, you’ve done a great job keeping Randy safe and unaware…blissful ignorance is the state I strive for on a daily basis and here you’ve given Randy the only gift I am unable to achieve without booze.
I’d do the drugs for the blissful and unaware, but the side effects seem to leave me naked and afraid….
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZKLnhuzh9uY
(just in case you want to go back to, “I never poop, Randy.” 🙂
*demurely bats eyes and raises eyebrows*
And I only had a little coffee laugh-snort this morning, sorry, but this is too close to home for me to have anything but sympathy for you and respect for Randy’s ‘severe intestinal distress’ adoption of your language that has let you retain your dignity all these years.
What a guy 🙂
Amazing how our anxieties have manifested over the years into ‘physical annoyances’ (couldn’t think of a harsher word without dramatics). I also can’t understand how ANYBODY can go without pooping for one day.
ONE DAY is all it takes for me think my life is over and to not be able to entertain ANY other thought but, “How am I going to get this poop out!!??? Before work?!!!”
Can you imagine the ‘bathroom rules’ when you have a constipated wife? My husband can. I would have liked to have protected him from that awareness of my bodily functions, and like you, did pretty good for a few years… but we have always only had one bathroom….
Yup…4 boys and a husband and me and ONE bathroom for 20 years… NOBODY got the bathroom to themselves and my boys are very aware that ‘girls poop.’ 🙂
As with other posts, you’re insights and analytics of marital relationships, and especially your unique input for the particulars, give me great stuff to ponder during the day.
And that great stuff makes my husband the recipient of extra kisses and ‘Thanks for being such a great guy’ kudo offerings.
Tim thanks you.
…and I Thank Randy for being a perfect ‘naturally occurring, double blind, no placebo experiment in progress’ for you to test your theories on.
Can we work on the ‘just because it’s a flat open space does not make it a shelf’ theory of storage?
After I poop?
OMG I love you…this is awesome. Thank you. And yes, I will think about your shelf question.
I adore this…
My husband had to go to the poop doctor yesterday because about a month ago, when we traveled to Washington (state), he became constipated and thus began a cycle of him not being able to go, taking a laxative, pooping his guts out, then not being able to go for over a week…over and over again! Doc says it’s stress-induced IBS…
And then there was the time I traveled with him to meet his family for the first time (like 20 years ago) and *I* got constipated. And I had to tell him…and I had to take a laxative and poop my guts out all night in our hotel room bathroom…
Yeah, I get it. Being able to talk about this stuff really helps…good for you for bringing it to our attention 🙂
It just occurred to me that it was silly to worry about something like this. I mean, we ALL poop for fuck’s sake. At least I hope so..if you don’t then you have real problems.
Omg this is so me. I too shut down when we are on vacation. . Now I have a new problem. I have just retired (I am 60) and now have been going with the hubby for over the road trucking. I hope I am able to poop when out on the road with him
Oh hell…best of luck to you. You’ll probably just get used to it. I hope.
http://youtu.be/YbYWhdLO43Q. Go see this ad for the squaty potty. Sums it up.
Oh awesome!
What’s brilliant here is how you overcame your discomfort, or at least some of it, by approaching it in a sideways kind of way. Although there are some things even Randy doesn’t need to know. It’s not like “I’ll be back in a minute” is a lie and there’s no good reason why he needs to know exactly what you’re going to spend that minute doing. It’s great that you’re not waiting until the middle of the night to go, but he doesn’t need a full rundown either.
He does, however, need his right nut, or at least one nut because without them he can suffer migraines, hot flashes, muscle deterioration, and other problems.
By the way whenever anyone around me announces that they’re stepping away to attend to a minor bodily function I always like to say, “I hope everything comes out all right.”
I’ve been saying that for decades and most people just laugh or look puzzled or annoyed, but a few months ago I said it to a young woman and she said, “I think I can manage since I’ve been doing it my whole life, but thanks for your support!”
Good to know about the nuts! I had no idea! I guess his are safe. I mean, I can’t imagine the situation where I would actually feel compelled to give one of them away.
LOL This is something that almost never happens to me. Up until 2 months ago I would have no problem anywhere or anytime. I couldn’t appreciate the pain/suffering others went through when they were not at home and really had to GO. Then I started dieting and I understand now. Maybe get yourself a can of that Poo-Pouri and carry it around in your suitcase? It certainly would be a conversation piece even if you didn’t use it!
You know..I did actually consider buying some of that stuff. Haha.
I’m the opposite. I talk about pooping all of the time. My husband and I have been together over twenty years now, and I still don’t think he’s used to it. Fortunately my kids grew up with it. So, hang with me, I perform exposure therapy. I won’t even charge you.
Half of me wants to take you up on your offer and the other half wants to run away crying. haha.
I’m with Foxy on this one. I sometimes proudly declare to my boyfriend that my pooping went great, the color and texture looked healthy and ask whether I should call him over to check it out before I flush next time…I don’t know, he hasn’t agreed to it yet
Oh god…I could never do that. Just writing this post was painful enough.
Love this!
When I was very young–like just graduated high school and met my first husband who wasn’t yet my father said me (out of the blue): the two most important things in life are a good sex life and a good bowel movement. How’s yours?
It took me a few minutes as I was frozen/stunned before I even registered what he said. Then I told him (because this was something I had an absolute right to say) that it was none of his business.
Once years ago my BFF said to me “you never talk about your sex life or your poops.” I said “and I never will” which turned out to be a lie because somewhere around 60….
And there is an adult “Everyone poops,” can’t remember the name but bought it for her
Haha…yeah..I need that book.
I am glad you are getting over your whatever it is about poop because a colonoscopy is in your future and that is all about pooporama in the prep. For 13 years I sold enemas, and laxatives and colonoscopy prep to every hospital, military base, grocery, drug, mass merchandiser and convenience store west of Denver. I talked about bowel evacuation everyday. Trust me everyone poops and everyone wants to be able to poop!
Oh I had one already. Nearly 3 years ago. I am good until I’m 60.
Ha ha ha, I’m really squeamish about discussing this kind of thing with anyone apart from my GP, even that I find difficult and embarrassing.
I get the same thing, or at least used to. Even when I was doing residencies abroad for several months it took me a few days to get used to using a new bathroom and don’t get me started on touring!
🙂
These days I don’t have much of an option, as when I have to go I have to go but I’d still much rather be at home.
I need my own personal mobile throne room!
When I win the lottery…..
Mobile Throne Room. MTR! I love it. I need one of those, too.
I see opportunity here for YOU to write the ultimate Adult Poop book. Don’t hold back.
I might have to work up to that one. haha.
OMG – you crack me up. We don’t talk about colour or texture but comments on the smell are just about daily conversation (when he’s home) – mainly because he stinks the bathroom/bedroom/WIR out and there is no escaping it unless I get out of bed. Funnily enough although we eat the same food – mine are nothing like his unless I take some laxatives in which case – beware !!!
Have the best evening xox
Oh god…I don’t think I could ever have a color/texture conversation..I mean, unless it were plaid or something, then i would have to show someone.
You’re one of a million. Or billion. Pooping anxiety. Yep. My sister once worked with a bunch of guys on a construction site. Could not use that nasty johnny-on-the-spot. Developed big gut issues. And I agree that the bowel has home-potty radar and will shut down once it detects it has moved beyond the safe zone. Must be some kind of territorial shit marking behavior our cave-ancestors practiced. No need to discuss it unless issues require medical attention and you need a lift to the doctor. Or if you blog about it. Now if you’ll excuse me,…
Your poor sister…I don’t blame her though, I wouldn’t have liked that, either.
Okay, this is one problem I don’t have. Like to the opposite extreme. Jim probably wishes I’d be a little more secretive and discreet about pooping. I’m actually pretty disgusting. He must wear one hell of a pair of rose colored glasses. hahaha
Oh, I am disgusting in other ways, I assure you…
This made me laugh. I have never had that problem but I know others who don’t discuss it. Way to go in slaying that monster. 🙂
Well…It’s still kicking. I mean, I wrote the post, but I still haven’t spoken the words “I have to poop” out loud. Even though I do. Right now.
One of my favorite personal sayings: “Oh Auntie Em, there’s *no* place like home (for pooping)!”
That’s a really good and accurate saying.
I laughed until I cried reading this entry. I too am poop challenged and have done the exact same things you have, including code for pooping. I still go downstairs away from my husband to poop even though we have two bathrooms on the main floor!!! By the way, we have been together for 14 years, I think he knows I poop. The funny thing is, shortly after we started dating we went to Mexico and both got sick and spent a good deal of the time in the bathroom during that whole vacation but I pretend he never saw that… Nevertheless, if I do have to go poop while on vacation, which is rare, I make him leave the hotel room. I love your blog, thanks for giving me a laugh every time I read it.
Hahhaha..awesome. I never thought of making him leave the room. Although, after this post, I think the cat is out of the bag.
Been there, but didn’t poop there. I will discuss it. It’s family dinner conversation. Much to my husband’s chagrin.
I have very recently been more open…I mean, not goddamn chatty about it or anything, but more open. It makes Randy laugh.
So, the vacation pooping shutdown must be a thing. The same thing happens to me! Not so horrible if it is just a weekend away – but formidable if the vacation is a weeklong or more. I also have intermittent IBS. I drink a lot of water and eat my fiber gummies daily to help with the one extreme, but the other…well, let’s just say the week leading up to Fakesgiving-O-Ween I became extremely tight with my toilet.
It must be a thing, because I am hearing this from a lot of people. Humans are weird, aren’t they?
I saw this and thought you might be interested.
Science Finally Explains Why It’s Harder To Poop While On Vacation
http://www.viralthread.com/science-explains-why-harder-to-on-vacation/?utm_source=socialamp&utm_medium=cpm&utm_content=inf_10_43_2&utm_campaign=2015&ts_pid=4&tse_id=INF_25280261adb54c8f9d8307725ccebe9f