Presidential Magic 8 Ball

If we’re going to be stuck with 45 as president, then he needs to start consulting a source that isn’t a Nazi. He needs to consult something, for all that is holy, he shouldn’t be making his own decisions. He needs a Magic 8 ball. 

As president, he needs more than the usual “yes”, “no”, and “ask again later” answers one finds in a typical Magic 8 Ball. He needs his own Magic 8 Ball, one that will provide the answers he needs to perform his duties as Commander in Chief. So, here you have it. 20 custom Magic 8 Ball answers for the POTUS:

Ask Bannon later

Fake news points to yes

Ivanka says no

Bigly no

Kremlin says yes

Answer hazy, try Putin your thinking cap on

Outlook good, except for the environment

Blame Jared

Hide in the bushes

Obsess over hand and crowd size

Concentrate and lie again later

Steele yourself for a YUGE no

Grab a few pussies

Go ahead and have 3 scoops

Better not tell you now. Covfefe again later

Take Mike Pence’s wife out for dinner

Send Melissa McCarthy flowers

Pick out extra long impeachment tie

Just stop making any decisions about anything. You are terrible at this job. Go to Mar-a-Lago and stay there. Resign.

What custom magic 8 ball answer would you add?



Add your comments below. Profanity is encouraged, but not required. ;)
  1. Donna says:

    It is certain (that you must fire Reince/Spicey/that photographer who makes you look fat/anyone smarter than you — which’d be just about everyone)

    As I see it, yes (you ARE nothing more than a pile of varnished, diseased rat feces)

    My sources say no (you will NOT make it to the end of your term)

    Concentrate and ask again (not that this’ll do you any good, you fool’s gold-plated dimwit)

    Very doubtful (that your sad, porn model wife will sleep with you ever again and I, a semi-sentient ball of plastic, don’t blame her one bit)

    Hell’s bells, I could go on and on.
    Donna recently posted…Our LadyMy Profile

  2. Liv says:

    Yeah…but don’t you get the feeling sometimes that maybe he got hit on the head with a magic 8 ball when he was a kid?
    Liv recently posted…10 Reasons To Visit Orlando’s Universal Studios WITHOUT YOUR KIDSMy Profile

  3. Michele says:

    Tweet? YES
    Tweet? NO
    Michele recently posted…Bird Shit MondayMy Profile

  4. Lisa K says:

    After watching him push his way to the front, then straighten his tie, (and I don’t need to remember where that was or who he pushed, we all clapped our horrified mouths with our offended hands) I would have to say that ‘his’ Magic 8 ball should include:
    ‘Wait your turn,’
    ‘say “Please,”‘
    ‘say “Thank you, but you go ahead,”‘
    ‘say “Melania, what do you think?”‘
    But yours are best for his position as 45…

  5. Haralee says:

    Sadly too funny! I would add
    “I’m a great guy”, or “He’s a great guy”
    Haralee recently posted…Shoplifting Mistake or What Every Shoplifter SaysMy Profile

  6. Harry says:

    This is a great idea.

    There’s an old saw for judges that I think might be good advice for the President: “Be just, and if you can’t be just, be arbitrary.”
    Harry recently posted…Consider the axolotlMy Profile

  7. AmberLynn says:

    Have you seen this article about how his old tweets come back to haunt him? Someone along the way didn’t teach him that the internet never forgets!
    AmberLynn recently posted…Finding a Rhythm – Obliging MyselfMy Profile

  8. Thank you for saying what so many are afraid to. I especially like the “send Melissa McCarthy flowers”. UGE bouquet.
    lisa thomson recently posted…For All The Progress I’ve Made, Did I Just Get Bullied?My Profile

  9. Shani says:

    I vote there should only be two answers. Your last one and “Grab the pussies that are the entire GOP wing of the government and fire them! Then celebrate by resigning.”

  10. I think all sides should just say the same thing: “That’s probably not a good idea.”

  11. Doug in Oakland says:

    Goddamn it, the internet isn’t working right again and won’t let me comment yet.

  12. Doug in Oakland says:

    Oh, oops. Never mind.

    “Walk out into the rain and look up.”

    “Forget about Roy Cohn, he was an asshole.”

    “Lying is bad.”

    “Vlad thinks you’re stupid.”

    “No, no, a thousand times no.”

    “Why am I even answering you when you can’t read.”

    “OK, won’t read. Same damn thing.”

    “Ask your dog.”

    “What do you mean you don’t have a dog?”

  13. Doug in Oakland says:

    Hey, Mr. Tangerine man, build a wall for me
    I’m not that bright and don’t know that you’re not going to
    Hey, Mr. Tangerine man, keep Muslims away from me
    With my jingoistic world view, I’ll come following you

    Fake me out with this,
    I’ll be your newest apprentice
    My sister thinks you’re a trip
    All my friends say “Get a grip”
    And my skull’s too numb to think
    Waiting only for the bullshit you’ve been pedaling

    I’m ready to think anything
    Your orange face does not fade
    My IQ’s 88
    Cast your protesters my way
    I promise to go punching them

    Hey, Mr. Tangerine man, build a wall for me
    I’m not that bright and don’t know that you’re not going to
    Hey, Mr. Tangerine man, keep Muslims away from me
    With my jingoistic world view, I’ll come following you

  14. Hilarious, Michelle. We can all fantasize, can’t we? Especially about the last one. But I don’t think that’s happening, at least not in the near future. Fun concept!
    Laurie Stone recently posted…4 Signs You’re Watching Too Much News (And What To Do About it)My Profile

  15. “Let Spicey take the fall.”
    “Signs point to dementia.”
    “You’re asking a f*cking child’s toy?! WTF is wrong with you?”
    “I can’t even with your questions.”
    “No. Next question.”
    “*Batman slap*”
    Chuck Baudelaire recently posted…James Comey’s Best Quotes, Illustrated by Grumpy CatMy Profile

  16. Renee says:

    OMG, I laughed myself silly…I always loved my Magic 8 Ball, think I need to get another one..
    Renee recently posted…10 Reasons Why I’m Not MarriedMy Profile

  17. Billie says:

    This is awesome.

    “Have bum fun with Boris Johnson.”
    “Stare at ladies’ titties.” [caveat: it has to be written in language he comprehends].

  18. Cecilia says:

    This is brilliant 😀

  19. I want to slip him a magic 8-ball where all the answers are “Just stop making any decisions about anything. You are terrible at this job. Go to Mar-a-Lago and stay there. Resign.”
    And it wouldn’t take much. I don’t think he’s far from that point anyway. He won’t admit it but I’m pretty sure he’s delegated all real responsibility and is just dicking around. When I heard he made a remark about the job being tougher than he thought it would be I yelled, “How would you know?”
    Christopher recently posted…Getting Around.My Profile

    • Argh, and of course I have a much better idea later. I think one of the options should be “Replace Spicer with Melissa McCarthy. She’s funnier, smarter, better-looking…” But I don’t mean to sound like I’m damning her with faint praise.
      Christopher recently posted…Morning Dew.My Profile

  20. Sandy says:

    Hard to pick my favorite… wait no. The last.. definitely the last.

  21. mydangblog says:

    “Feel better by asking Jeff and Rex for compliments.” Your list is killer!
    mydangblog recently posted…My Week 142: Which Wolverine is Which? and They Call Me The StreakMy Profile


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