I’m going to write this post and I’m not going to get choked up. Not even once.
HAHAHAFUCKINGHAHAHA. That’s probably a lie.
Today was my last day on a job that I’ve worked at for 7 years, 2 months and 24 days. I knew within months that it wasn’t the right place for me, but I stayed and just kept on staying.
The highlight of my job, the best thing about it, was meeting Priscilla. She wasn’t in today, and that was good. I didn’t have to say goodbye to her. Our last day of working together was Wednesday. She usually leaves 3o minutes before I do, and I got up from my desk and walked away when it was time for her to leave. I couldn’t bear to send one final instant message at work.
I walked down the row of cubicles in the IT department and chatted with a coworker until I saw Priscilla walking through the parking lot.
I couldn’t say goodbye to her then, so I will say it now.
Priscilla, Queen of the Cubicle has been in my life line for years now. I know it’s a two way street, but that doesn’t negate the fact that I’ve been able to tolerate my years here at this job because I had Priscilla to listen to me, to make me laugh and to vent to. Holy hell, have we vented.
Priscilla is the person I ‘talk’ to when I want to say things that I can’t say to anyone else. I’ve blogged about many of our conversations, but you would not believe the ones I’ve left out. She is who I talk to when I’m angry or hurt and I lash out in ugly ways and say things that I would totally judge another person for saying. Priscilla never judged and we had no line that couldn’t be crossed. We are each other’s safe place to vent. To ask stupid questions. To contemplate life.
Priscilla got me through my darkest days when I was dealing with my son’s drug addiction and his arrest and I felt like my life was crumbling into pieces that could never be put back together. You know how she did it? She did it by making me laugh. She did it by never ONCE offering me sympathy. She did it by calling me a pussy when I felt like I couldn’t take another breath.
That’s what I need when I’m at my worst. If I’m at risk of falling apart, one nice word can make the pieces come unhinged. She knows that. She knows that because she is the same as me. Just a younger, fitter and more hot version of me.
That doesn’t mean she doesn’t care. She has shown me kindness in quiet ways that I’ve held on to like a security blanket. I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, if I need her, she will do whatever I need. She knows she has the same from me. She knows I’d step in front of a bus to save her ass. Although, that fucking skank would never step in front of a bus for me, selfish bitch. But she would shove me really hard. I know that much.
We come at this relationship from different angles. She is the same age as my oldest kid. I’ve had years more experience, years more pain, years more of disappointment and years more of learning compassion and tolerance and forgiveness. I feel a protectiveness toward Priscilla that equals the way I feel about my husband, children, grandchildren, sisters…
If you were here and saw us together, you’d never know how close we are. Our relationship isn’t built on hanging out together and skipping out to lunch every day. We barely speak to each other. Not in person. If we pass each other in the hallway, our greeting is a head nod. Perhaps a small wave. But then when we’re both back at our desks, the instant message starts up and we continue our conversation. The one we’ve been having for 6 years now.
We celebrate birthdays and Christmas in a way that we both love. By hanging shit on each other. For instance, one Christmas, I gave her a Justin Beiber singing toothbrush. She retaliated 2 months later on my 50th birthday by decorating my cubicle with Justin. I’m talking, full size cutout, pinata, back stage passes, stickers and cupcakes. It was a sight to behold.
I know the conversation isn’t over.
We will continue to chat on Facebook and text and google instant message. It won’t change.
Only it will. Because even though we don’t physically interact much, knowing that we are just half a building away has been important. We don’t physically need each other. But knowing, if the need arose, it was a matter of steps.
I’m mourning the loss of that closeness.
I’m sad that I’m leaving her behind. I know she needs me as much as I need her.
I don’t love people easily, but I do love Priscilla. I love every bit of her blackened, shriveled up little heart.
When she reads this, she might actually vomit. But she’ll love it, too. Even if she’d rather have her tongue ripped out than admit it.
Caring about people is hard, y’all. Especially when you have to say goodbye.
Even when it isn’t really goodbye.
Except it kind of is.
I love those friends. They’re the most important ones. I hope we’ll still hear about PQOTC, because if she vanishes *I* will miss her!
Oh, you will..We will still talk in our own special way.
Something tells me Priscilla will have to wipe a tear from her eye when she reads this. She just won’t admit it! 🙂
She would let honey badgers rip her apart before admitting that.
…everyone needs a Priscilla. As I always say, there are some people you just gotta love… otherwise you’d punch them in the face.
Haha. Yep..everyone does need a Priscilla.
Saying goodbye is always bullshit and that’s all there is to it.
The conversation will never be over. When you have a friendship like that, you step completely out of character to keep it going. You work at it. You fight for it. Because friends like Priscilla don’t grow on trees like the rest of the nuts.
Congratulations on making it to your last day. I can’t wait to read about the next chapter in your life.
I’m so damn glad that you’ve escaped from the cubicle equivalent of Alcatraz, but with music torture to boot!
I’m sure you will stay friends..you don’t lose that kind easily
🙂
I’m drinking a toast to your health and new beginnings!
I can’t help it…I want to post mushy stuff. But in honor of you and Pricilla. I will not.
Except…
<3
I wish I had someone like that in my life. My husband used to be it, but dementia has a way of eating huge holes in one’s comfort zone. Nobody knows me like he does (did). Crap, I’m already missing Priscilla. Let’s hope your new job has at least one of her to help you ease on down the road. Good luck on Monday!
This is a beautiful but sad paragraph.
I don’t know if I should reply like Priscilla would respond to Michelle in a “suck it up, pussy” kind of way, but I think I’d rather just say you are brave and courageous.
I’m grateful that he’s still “here”. His little brother is locked away in a “final stage” Alzheimer’s facility. So even though I know there’s going to be crap coming down the road, we’re living like there’s no tomorrow – because, you never know.
Yes. Stay the course, and look after yourself. That is a priority.
I am doing my best. Getting super ill over the weekend wasn’t in my plans…but it happened anyway.
You are so right…we never know…
Thank you so much!
Boy can you write.
Oh thank you!
“The best kind of friend is like iron sharpening iron.”
-Shriekback “The Reptiles and I”
I love that!
What a beautiful post. Thinking of you today, and hoping that you are on the mend.
Glad you’re getting out of a job where you don’t fit. Sad that your weird relationship with Priscilla is changing. Now dammit, get back in there and text her. What do you think this is, some kind of fucking holiday?
Haha..yeah, we’ve been keeping in touch.
It might be weird without her in the building, but she sounds like a keeper.
It will be weird…but sooner or later, weird becomes normal, doesn’t it?
There is absolutely nothing I can say that won’t come off as mushy right now and I don’t want to be labeled a pussy so I’ll just say that was very cool. Very.
Hahaha…thank you! And I promise not to label you. I mean, unless you’re in to that
You gotta love friends like that !!
Aww! You two should get tattooed together… 😉
I’m the tattooed one. She would never.
Yep. It’ll be different. But how lovely that you met and were able to develop such a cool bond. It’s not always the case in that environement…
It really isn’t easy. I do feel very fortunate. Smug even.
How lucky to have a friend like this all these years. I’m sure when she reads this it will make her happy and sad.
Best of luck to you!
She read it and messaged me with ‘I admit to NOTHING’…which means she loved it.
Everyone needs a Priscilla. Kind of like Jiminy Cricket. I hope you find a new Priscilla at your new job who will be just as evil and hard-hearted 🙂
Oh, I hope so, too…although, they broke the mold with my old Priscilla.
I just love this post!!!! How lucky to have a friend like that!! I too am blessed with my own Pricillia and she is a real treasure!
I’m so glad you do. Everyone needs a Priscilla.
I know thats about the ONLY THING I miss about office life.
I have a canine ‘cilla but thats about it.
xo
Everybody needs a Priscilla in their life. It’ s like that with me and my BF. We don’t talk on the phone or rarely on FB or even at all. Then every few months or so one will head to the other’s house usually when something fucked up has happened to either of us. We will then get together and we never shut up until one of us pulls out of the driveway. We don’t pat each other’s backs or cry with each other. We get together and laugh and make fun of each other. I love her dearly even though I’ve probably never told her that. Now we are 400 miles away from each other it sucks…..and Steph if your reading this move to SC you dumb bitch!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yay for friends like this!!!
I liked Pricilla too, dammit. How could you do this to us?
(best of luck on your new job…)
Everyone loves Priscilla!! Don’t worry..we’re still talking. Not a lot cause I’ve been sick..but still.
Michelle, thanks for this heartfelt post. My hubby and I are moving to the Bay Area and having to say goodbye to a lot of close friends and family. So, I know what you mean about feeling the loss. On the other hand, true friendship, such as yours, crosses all physical boundaries. Like you said, you’ll keep in touch —and it will probably feel like you never left.
I don’t doubt that for a minute. 🙂 Good luck with your move!!
I loved this…I had a Priscilla too. She wasn’t even in the same state, but we were always there for each other on IM. Dang her, she retired, then took another job where she works mostly from home and sometimes we can Google chat, but it’s not the same. I still miss her. Congrats on the new job and I need to go catch up and see how that’s going…
Thank you! Yeah, so far, it’s NOT AT ALL THE SAME..but I’m still learning and kind of freaked out by the change, so I’m distracted.