Googling “My oven is on fire”

So I joke about setting things on fire all the time and that’s mostly because I’ve set shit on fire before.

I did not set the oven on fire. But just because I didn’t catch the oven on fire doesn’t mean the oven wasn’t on fire.

Let me back up.

My stove is possessed. The indicator light for the left side burners won’t turn off. We tried turning the stove off and back on again, but that indicator light won’t turn off. Also, the timer turned on by itself and set itself to zero a couple times.

The indicator light is freaking me the fuck out. I mean, it startles me every time I walk in the kitchen. Oh fuck….who left the fucking stove on?

Well, the night before last, we made pancakes and bacon for dinner. I tried to turn on the oven and it wouldn’t start.

Me: The oven won’t turn on now.

Randy: Are you kidding? What else is going to go wrong?

I turned shit off, back on, and the oven heated up. Then, I put bacon in the oven because that is so much goddamn easier than frying it, I thought the oven smelled too hot. So I opened the oven door.

Me: I know what else is going to go wrong.

Randy: What now?

Me: The goddamn oven is on fire.

Randy: On fire?

Me: The heating element is on fire.

I had turned the oven off at this point was was transferring the bacon to a skillet. 

Randy: Is there shit on the heating element?

Me: No dude. The actual element was on fire.

Randy: I’ll check it after it cools down. I bet something just spilled on it.

Me: Nope. The actual element was on fire. It’s not spilled shit.

Randy: I’m still checking it.

Me: It’s ruined. I’m telling you. It was on fire.

I asked him about it a few hours later.

Me: So, something spilled on the heating element?

Randy: No. It’s ruined. It was on fire.

Me:…

I processed this information with the same part of my brain that I use when my car breaks down. When my car breaks down, my first thought is always “Well, I guess I live here now”.  So, I just decided “Well, we are now a family who doesn’t use an oven. We just are not oven people, dammit”.

Turns out the heating element doesn’t cost much and Randy is confident he can fix this shit. I’ll let you know if he ends up in the burn unit.

I have no good transition to the rest of this post, so brace yourself, this will be jarring.

This post isn’t really about my stupid oven that caught fire.

This is about search terms.

Specifically, the search terms that get people to my blog. There is a disturbing number of people who want to see mother/son sex and human/goat sex.

I have never written about either subject, but I guess if you take words out of context, some weird ass phrases will get you to rubber shoes. I’m not going to mention the really disturbing ones anymore. Other than to say, if you get to this blog by using the fucked up sex search terms, then I hope you are terribly disappointed in what you find. You should probably call your mother and get therapy. Seriously. Goat sex?

Goat sex aside, there are some weird goddamn search terms.

I’m hoping you guys can clear these first two up for me.

Jeeli peer sex

and

Jellfish boob celebrities

I don’t know what Jeeli or Jellfish is. Are they related? They seem related to me. Am I writing about weird jelly boob stuff on accident? Are people going to start thinking I’m a Jeeli expert? Because I”m not. Maybe, we should make up meanings for these phrases and become experts. I don’t know. Jellfish sounds like something I wouldn’t buy at the grocery.

my ass my boobs taching hot room.com

The thing that bugs me most about this is if they were trying to get to myassmyboobstachinghotroom.com then why didn’t they just go to myassmyboobstachinghotroom.com?

Norman Reedus doesn’t know how to shoot a cross bow. 

Shut your whore mouth.

fuckest thou

I love this one, actually. I mean have many pages deep did this person have to go to get here? I can’t be ranked that high on google for fuckest thou.

Grandmother wears sexy rubber panties

For all that is holy, just stop. What I find most icky about this, is that I’m a grandmother and I know that no rubber panties would be sexy. They would be torture. Because that is what you want to do during the menopause years, encase yourself in rubber clothes.

car window pusher button

I am trying to imagine the conversation that preceded someone typing this search term. “Ooooh…what do you call those thingies? You know, the thingy. The car button thingy. No no no..the car window pusher button. What do you call that?”

I hate John Cusack

I certainly do not hate John Cusack. Even though he blocked me on Twitter.

I am not a fan of rubber shoes

Actual rubber shoes? Or my blog? And if you are not a fan of something, do you usually search for it? Like, I am not a fan of Donald Trump. I can’t help but be painfully aware of his presence, but I certainly don’t search for articles about him. Because I’m not a fan. That’s what being “not a fan” means. You avoid the shit you don’t like.

Rubber husband

I wish I had a rubber version of Randy. I don’t mean to replace Randy, I mean in addition to. And not for weird reasons.

Well, maybe for weird reasons. I want a rubber Randy because it would be fun to dribble him in the kitchen while I’m cooking. But not in the oven because we’re not oven people. At least not until my “not rubber” Randy goes to the hardware store. Rubber Randy would also make a good decoy. Randy always worries about leaving the house empty. He has the soul of a nervous 90 year old woman. If we had rubber Randy, we could stand him up in the front window to scare the hordes of burglars away.

fuck you shoe

I have nothing to add to this.

Why won’t my magic eight ball work?

I don’t know. Ask again later.

So many fucking stretchmarks 

I feel you. I do. Here are some things about stretchmarks. They don’t go away. I don’t care what you put on them, your stretchmarks are your stretchmarks. The good thing is, you will reach a moment in your life when you no longer care about your stretchmarks. I have anxiety over so many things and stretchmarks used to me a part of that anxiety. Not anymore. I do not give a fuck. All the parts of me are who I am. Even the stretchmarks.

Anyway, I thought maybe you guys would find some of these search terms as entertaining as I did.

 

Photo courtesy of Ryan McGuire

 

 

40 Thoughts.

  1. *wipes coffee off of computer screen*
    OK, so I have nothing to add except beware Googling ‘probes’ for TENS units.
    Just sayin’.
    (And, not available in the US for medical purposes, only sex.)
    Tell Randy, my husband has rewired both my oven and my dryer. And both caught on fire, first, before the rewiring.
    🙂
    Hubs has saved me THOUSANDS on new appliances and warranties that expire the day before the heating elements catch on fire.

    He’s also good with eyeglasses. My grandkids can step on them and pop out a lens and, Voila! depending on the extent of the twist and new screws, I’m seeing again by the end of the hour.

    I think the ‘gefilte’ fish was Randy’s fault. People are spelling ‘gefilte’ wrong 🙂

  2. The people searching for mother/son sex and/or goat sex don’t bother me. Yes, those are disturbing subjects but I figure there’s a huge number of people on the internet and the actual number of people searching for those things is still pretty small and possibly even overlaps because some people are into fringe things only because they’re easily bored. “I’m tired of fantasizing about my mom. I’ll try goats for a change.”
    Also I bet there are bots that take common search terms and combine them while hunting spam targets or whatever it is bots do so some of those aren’t coming from real humans.
    I’m saying all this to try and reassure myself because I learned the hard way that if you Google “my oven is on fire” without safe search on the image results alone will make you question whether humanity deserves to survive.

  3. Make you wonder which of your commenters found you that way, doesn’t it?

    In my defense, I was really mad at John Cusack that day, and since I found your blog, some good came of it…

  4. I have fixed my dryer and fridge through partselect.com. I have NO experience, but they have videos. This endorsement not paid for by anyone, or I would be out buying some shit! Or getting my horses a manicure. Yeah, you gotta trim that big ass nail. Although painting is optional.

  5. Electric oven heating elements do fail, sometimes spectacularly, with a fair regularity. Most of them are a plug-it-in or maybe a couple of screws deal. You’ll be oven people again before you know it.
    Jeeli peer sex is apparently a misspelling of jali peer sex, which is apparently a thing in Pakistan. Jali apparently means false, or fake. There are many links (none of which I clicked on) for videos of jali peers having sex with young girls. Maybe they have peerage there, as they do in Britain?
    Jellfish boob celebrities is apparently a misspelling of jellyfish boob celebrities, which seems to be pretty much what it sounds like. RSIH is the fourth result in that search. Go figure.

    • What the fucking fuck?? I swear, I do not remember anything even remotely about jellyfish boobs. Hahaha. Thank you for clearing this up for me. People are so weird. Damn.

      yeah, I am looking forward to being oven people again.

  6. Can we stop a moment to pause at the most unusual aspect of your post that seems to have been overlooked — pancakes and bacon for dinner. Did no one else put that in the grandma goat wearing rubber undies category of funny and yet, somehow bizarre?

    OMG Michelle, I laughed all the way through this. One of your funniest posts yet, and that is saying a heckuva lot.

  7. I did without an oven for three years. No one could find anything wrong with it ever. It ended up cheaper to get a new stove because no one wanted to work on a digital stove. I could not afford either repairs or a new stove. Now I have a Gas Stove! I had typed in now I have had. Had to fix that see it just gets worse. Okay, I’m backing out of this while I can.

  8. This is the weirdest fucking post, M. I don’t know if I need more wine or maybe I smoked something without realizing it, but WTF? Buy a fire extinguisher for the kitchen and a new element. Then order pizza, as I just did. I can’t comment on the search stuff cuz … wtf?

  9. I agree that this was a laugh out loud entry-thanks for that. I find that breakfast for dinner is an excellent default for “what the hell should I feed my kids tonight?”. I also question whether you can claim NOT to be a jeeli expert until you know what it is (Pakisani definition not withstanding). In fact, I may begin to claim I AM a Jeeli expert. Or at least a consultant.

  10. Ok the oven thing? I’ve been living it since October. For fucks sake why can’t my husband juat go to the hardware store like Randy?? No, he has to call GE, nightly, on his putrid flip phone and complain at the top of his lungs about how inconvienced he is. Yeah. I married a cartoon character. See Fred Flinstone.
    Meanwhile I am smirking wildly, ordering deliciois food that I dont have to cook from my non IOS device until I hear “my wife did something to it”. Did something to it??? Yeah butthead. I tried to clean the crap you leave burned into a rancid turd shape from the fucking heating element you ingrate. No grace here. Just visions of coldcocking him upside the head with a cast iron frying pan, which I do not own, while waiting for the delivery guy. Hmmm, leftovers for lunch.
    All is right with my world.

  11. I couldn’t get past the line that John Cusack blocked you on twitter. I LOVE John Cusack and want to know what you did, because I don’t want to do the same.

    PS: I am glad my blog platform doesn’t let me know how people get to my blog – that is some crazy shit there.

    • I really don’t know. He responded to a tweet of mine and then someone else responded and was insulting but my name was still in the tweet…so I think that was it. I guess. I don’t really know.

  12. We had a rental in the late 1980’s and the element in the stove went out and the renters put in a habatchi grill with charcoal briquettes to cook! Yes that ruined the entire stove!
    I had a search terms that cracked me up: ” hate minimaus”, “no future sleep”

  13. BAHAHAHA!!! Oh my GEESH those are freaking weird. Just weird.

    And your oven? Um… ON FIRE? Good luck to Randy for the fix!

    “I want a rubber Randy because it would be fun to dribble him in the kitchen while I’m cooking. But not in the oven because we’re not oven people.” <– Hilarious. Absolutely HILARIOUS.

  14. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned it but we were selling our house and people were going thru it. I was baking cookies for that smell they say is popular. I forgot about the pizza box and it went on fire. While. The. People. Were. Walking. Through. The. House.
    Oh well… We turned of the oven, left it in there a bit then threw the box into the snow.
    They bought the house after all!

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