The Tax Benefits Would Be Awesome

Randy and I are winding down for the evening and going through our usual routine:

Approximately 2 work stories from Michelle. 

A boring beer story from Randy. 

Mutual decision made about who isn’t cooking dinner. 

Some unstructured chat.

Paint the fucking house because that job is never going to be done.  

Then, we settle in watch TV for a while.

First, live cam videos on Youtube: Four way stop in LaGrange, KY. Hawaiian pipeline. The Northern lights. Train tracks in Chesterton, IN. This is not me. Randy is watching the live cams. This is relatively new and pretty fucking weird. At least we just “check in”. We don’t watch for hours or anything. 

Then Parks and Rec or whatever other show we’re binge watching on Netflix.

We settle in and I start tabbing between Facebook, Twitter, here and email. With a few Words With Friends breaks in between. The Bass Player and Mountain Girl consistently kick my fucking ass. Buttheads.

Randy’s job during this part of the evening is to tell me to stop checking my blog stats or to bitch at me for tweeting at the orange nightmare occupying the White House.

Me: I don’t really check them that often any more. I just check comments.

Randy: Yeah, you really don’t check them as much.

Randy: You know, you have touched a lot of people. You mean something to them. Do you care how many of them there are?

Me: I mean, not really. I wouldn’t stop either way. But that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t love to have more readers.

Randy: If you have 200 people who read everything you write, is that enough for you?

Me: 20 would be enough. I just like doing it.

Randy: With 200 people you could start a church.

Me: Yeah! We could worship the universe or kittens or Magic Erasers or something. And the only rule is you have to be nice while you are in church. If you are mean, you have to leave. Not forever or anything. Just until you can be nice again. And you can’t be offended by the word “motherfucker”.

Me: We could call it that! Church of the Motherfucker.

Randy:..

Me: Yeah, that just sounds wrong.

Me: How about Church for motherfuckers who are not religious.

Randy: The tax benefits would be awesome.

Me: I know, right? It would be a place for people to hang out on Sundays and maybe Wednesdays and we could do sermons on how to cure the hangover you have right now and why Arya Stark is amazing.

Randy: If you put the word motherfucker right in the name of the church, you’d definitely weed out the people that you would offend.

Me: I’d go to that church. I could be the high priestess.

Randy: You’d go to a church with the word “motherfucker” in it, but you won’t consider changing your name to Mrs. Potatohead?

Me:..

Randy: You could be high priestess potatohead.

Sadly, Randy and I have had the “why won’t you at least consider changing our names to Mr. and Mrs. Potatohead” argument more than once over the past 22 years. You guys, Randy is a freak. 

Me: Dude. No. It’s ridiculous and I don’t want to be Mrs. Potatohead because it’s stupid. But I wouldn’t be embarrassed to go the the church for motherfuckers who aren’t religious.

Randy: Would you really want that notoriety?

Me: Oh fuck no. Nope. No I would not. I will continue rotting in a soul sucking cubicle and abandon my dream of being a spiritual leader that I just started dreaming five minutes ago.

Randy: Are you tweeting at Trump again?

Me:…

Me: No.

Randy: Seriously, Michelle. You are going to draw unwanted attention. Would you stop?

Me: This had to be said.

Randy: No. Calling the president a twat monster does not have to be said.

Me: It’s true, though.

Randy: Yes. But you don’t have to say things that will bring negativity to you. What does it accomplish?

Me: I feel good for like 10 seconds.

Randy:…

Me: It’s totally worth it.

Now, I have to go because Andy Dwyer and April Ludgate are being hilarious right now.

 

Photo courtesy of Gratisography.

 

 

 

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Add your comments below. Profanity is encouraged, but not required. ;)
  1. Donna says:

    A) I love you big time!
    B) Church for motherfuckers who are not religious – I’m IN! Can I be a High Priestess (that title works for me on many levels, FYI) too?
    C) I have to disagree with Randy on this score: Randy: No. Calling the president a twat monster does not have to be said.
    It can’t be said TO HIM nearly enough.
    D) “Mr. and Mrs. Potatohead” Bob and considered changing our names to Bob and Donna Snark but realized that sounded too much like we owned and worked at a filling station in Spearfish, South Dakota and we didn’t want to move. Plus we’d have to wear overalls and that’s just not how we roll.
    E) You ROCK, Sistah!
    Donna recently posted…How the hell did THIS happen?My Profile

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  2. Christine says:

    Now that’s a church I would feel right at home in! Sermons featuring Arya Stark? I would ponder those deep thoughts all week long. Would it be considered a sin to give into temptation and tweet insults Trump? Because I confess to occasionally giving into that temptation. But is it an insult when it’s the truth? Hey, that could be another sermon topic! 🙂

    Reply
  3. Lisa K says:

    I would go, join and become administration of the Church for motherfuckers who are not religious.
    I already attend the Church of the Grateful Horse and Singing Peacock, but we’re a limited exposure group and our choir has a ‘learn to love’ sound, so I can see the benefits of the Church for Motherfuckers.
    I’ve been sneaking in a few *daily* ‘twat-tweets’ myself. My penance is having to see that idiot’s face everywhere I go.
    You are right, as usual, Michelle.
    That 10 seconds of composing and pushing ‘Tweet’ is totally worth it.
    Treat your painting like eating an elephant: Close your eyes and keep chewing until you taste tail hair, or trunk, depending on which end of the elephant you started with. The trick is to NEVER look at the whole elephant, just end up done, one day.

    Reply
    • Michelle says:

      That is excellent advice, my friend..but hard to follow. I shall keep it in mind.

      Reply
      • Lisa K says:

        *mwah*
        It’s a ‘learned’ behaviour control 🙂
        (the meds for this just make me sleepy)
        Otherwise I freak out when a ‘project’ (class, data entering, CLEANING, etc…) looks overwhelming.
        It DOESN’T work within a timeframe, however.
        Has to be something that just gets done when it’s done.
        Like paint 🙂

        Reply
  4. Becky says:

    Years ago, (we’re talking 2009) a blogger tried to start a cult with much the same rules as your Church of the Motherfuckers who aren’t religious. It didn’t go well. Turns out it’s kinda a lot of work getting those fuckers to follow you.

    Also, the tax benefits of a church, not as awesome as you would think. My dad was a minister. It always seemed like a real pain in the butt.

    Sorry to rain on your parade, uh, church.
    Guess I’ll be excommunicated now, huh?
    Becky recently posted…Remember Why You Started BloggingMy Profile

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  5. Angela Pound says:

    We have discussed how cool it would be to buy an old church to live in. The sanctuary would make a great library and all the little rooms could be gaming rooms and stuff.

    And the steeple would be topped with the Eye of Sauron. Even better if it’s along a desolate stretch of interstate and the eye would track cars driving along late at night.

    I’m happy to share this idea with the Church of the Motherfuckers.

    Reply
    • Michelle says:

      Living in a church would be amazing. I’ve actually looked at converted churches before. I couldn’t have bought any of them because they’re super expensive, but they are awesome.

      Reply
  6. KK says:

    Ha ha ha, I’d join that church.
    I agree with you. Randy is probably right about the unwanted attention but sometimes it has to be done. I haven’t called him a twat monster though.
    I’ve probably ensured that I will never get into the U.S ever again by tweeting at the orange buffoon, or retweeting the Rogue POTUS staff and Trumpton as much as I have but hopefully someone who isn’t a racist idiot will get in soon and then we can all go back to posting cat pictures.
    🙂

    Reply
  7. The Church For Motherfuckers Who Are Not Religious (CFMFWANR) is scratching an itch I didn’t know I had. It would be the one exception to my rule that I would never join any church that would have someone like me as a member.
    Tweeting to the president that he’s a twat monster and/or jizz waffle could be a regular thing. And then we’d eat regular waffles in celebration of St. Knope.
    How is something this fantastic not already happening?

    Reply
  8. Lisa M says:

    I just found your blog! Tell Randy you have a new follower from Michigan. I have had a rough week, and let me tell you I have been reading this blog all morning and I have been laughing my ass off! It is just what I needed today. You are a gifted writer with one hell of a sense of humor. I say tweet away about the creep in the White House! Consider me an honorary member of the fictitious Church of the Motherfuckers. I am a social worker so I could volunteer to assist those in need of counseling…. I am pretty good at helping people figure shit out! If it makes you feel any better I have been painting my small front porch for about six weeks. I am sure my neighbors love it. You have a new fan!

    Reply
    • Michelle says:

      Hi Lisa! This absolutely makes my day! My mom and sister came over today and we painted my living room and hallway. We got done in one afternoon what would have taken me a week to do. I feel like we’re starting to make some progress…we just still have so much to do. I hate painting.

      Anyway, I am SO GLAD you are here. I am sorry you had a rough week. Rough weeks are assholes. Here’s to hoping we both have a good week next week!

      Reply
  9. Doug in Oakland says:

    As an atheist member in good standing of the only church I ever wanted to be a member of:
    “Don’t you listen to a single word
    Against rock’n’roll
    The new religion, the electric church
    The only way to go”
    -Motorhead, “Built for Speed”
    I say go for it. L. Ron Hubbard did. There’s an audio recording of Harlan Ellison describing how Hubbard came up with the idea to start Scientology to Robin Williams, it’s fucking hilarious:
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O9AGVARpqdk
    And as for “motherfucker”, Louis CK pointed out that there is another name for motherfuckers:
    Fathers.
    And I’m all over the internet, under the name “Doug in Oakland” saying all kinds of awful, true, stuff about president four-year-old, and if they come and get me over it, so be it.

    Reply
  10. Lolololol… Love it that you’re so open about stuff like checking ratings… I’m sure you have enough followers to fill a football stadium! You go girl… Them that sit, sit. Them that do, do..
    Dr. Margaret Rutherford recently posted…Comment on How To Let Go of Your Kids by Dr. Margaret RutherfordMy Profile

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  11. Billie says:

    Never mind a mother fucking church leader, you ought to star in your own sitcom. Just have a few cameras dotted around the place on live stream, you’d be instantly a guru….

    Reply
  12. I would go to that church and worship kittens. That sounds like my kind of motherfucking church!
    The Cupcake Witch recently posted…Little Mental Illness Pick-Me-UpsMy Profile

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  13. I believe in a higher power but not organized religion. I would so go to your church–I think people should have to be at least caring more often than not though. Maybe like at least 70% of the time. One of the reasons I don’t handle organized religion is because people go and claim to be good people for those hours of those days and then they go back to being selfish assholes (often so much so they screw themselves over in the process).

    Reply
  14. Harry says:

    I have to say, I am with Randy this time. Having “Potatohead” as a last name would be awsome. And then to act completely oblivious and humorless about it.

    Clerk at store (or whatever): “Wait. Your last name is Potatohead. You’re Mrs. Potatohead?”

    You: “Um, yes I am.”

    Clerk: Do people tease you about that?”

    You: “Why would they? It’s a family name. There’s a long line of us Potatoheads.”

    Clerk: “I like the nose you’re wearing today!”

    You: “OK… I don’t know what that means.”
    Harry recently posted…The incoming hordesMy Profile

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  15. Deborah says:

    We could go door to door, doing mission work – handing out kittens instead of Bibles.

    Reply
  16. It does have to be said. Because if he reads it often enough, it might—might—start to penetrate the thick veil of his narcissism. Might.

    Probably not. But maybe!

    And also? Future generations will have a meticulously kept record of exactly who had the guts to call that orange shitlord on his evil. So. You know. Be on the right list, is what I’m saying.

    Stepping away from the political, the “church” you describe reminds me of one of my atheist friends who explained to me how she could only possibly date another atheist, preferably one who would be willing to go with her to her Atheist Society meetings every Wednesday. I asked what they do there and she said they discuss their beliefs, community projects, exchange recipes, etc. Oh, and there are suggested donations, because the group has expenses. (I never did figure out how that was “better than religion,” but she was happy and they served good food and isn’t that all that matters?) They didn’t talk about GoT back then, but for all I know they do now. Bet you could take over, probably get them to change the name too.
    ActualConversationsWithMyHusband recently posted…A Shower Warrior is MeMy Profile

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  17. Leslie says:

    I’m in!

    Can we tithe in bottles of wine that we would drink during services? And rather than communion wafers we could have Oreos. I would totally be into a Burqa because I wouldn’t have to do anything with my hair and could possibly come in my PJ’s.

    Reply

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