Let’s talk about manners.
Me first.
I am foul mouthed. Impatient. Capable of extreme rudeness. Occasionally, I burp.
I can’t recall a time when I didn’t feel at least a little bad about exhibiting rude behavior. After all, we decide to be polite or not be polite every day.
That being said, some motherfuckers are rude.
Not any of you readers; you guys are awesome. It’s those other guys.
I see rudeness on Twitter. Facebook. Comment sections.
Having different opinions turns into rudeness free-for-all. Comment sections are not a rude behavior license. So many times, criticism doesn’t deal with what’s being said, but instead becomes an ad hominem attack on an individual.
I love comments which criticize my writing because I curse. Well, I write the way I talk which means I use curse words. Exactly, how do you equivocate lousy writing with cursing? Curse words are words. It’s the word’s intent that needs examining.
These same people use rude statements to attack a person’s differences. Overweight? Have tattoos? Support equal rights? Eschew discrimination? If so, stay out of comment sections.
You can disagree with my politics, that’s fine. I might even discuss politics with you, but not likely. My experience? Those conversations don’t go well and there doesn’t seem to be a good reason to engage. So, I unfollow. Or, I don’t read an article. I try to avoid comment sections. Most times, if I see a comment I dislike, I ignore the comment. I should completely avoid the comments section but I cant help myself. I read comments the same way I’ll poke a sore tooth with my tongue. It doesn’t feel good, but I do it anyway.
Being respectful is important. And even if you can’t respect someone’s views, at the very least, respect the social importance of respecting civility.
I am not excluding myself from this. My lack of patience is the backbone of my rude behavior. So maybe..just maybe, I will start politely asking people in the grocery store who are blocking the whole motherfucking aisle to move so I can get by instead ramming their cart with my cart. But really..they started it..right? Right?
We’ve just become so unfriendly.
I am going to do my best to change my behavior. I’m not saying I’m going to be a doormat or get pushed around. I would never recommend doing that. I’ve tried the doormat route and it didn’t sit well with me. I am, however, going to attempt to be more polite.
With all this talk about civility and being respectful, there are a few non-internet bad manner habits to avoid. Especially, if you’re around me:
Slurping, open mouth eating, and loud chewing – the soundtrack to my youth. My dad can slurp a ham sandwich. When I go out to dinner with my family, my sisters and I will make a mad dash to sit as far from the slurper as possible.
Personal Space – see that 10 foot circle which surrounds me? Yeah, unless I invite you in, stay out. I don’t care if the checkout line is long. You don’t need to be so close that I can feel your hot, bad breath on my neck. I don’t let Randy breathe on my neck and I like him. Most of the time.
Not holding the door open for somebody who is a small distance behind you – Is it really hard to hold the goddamn door open for a few extra seconds? Conversely, if I hold the door open for you and you sail on in without saying thank you or touching the door, then I’m probably going to call you an asshole.
Interrupting conversations – Unless you have news about the building being on fire or you have a warning about a roving band of honey badgers attacking, then don’t interrupt. I have been in closed door meetings and had people barge in to talk about sports. Seriously.
Talking loudly about bullshit when people are trying to work – Yes, I am all about connecting at work. I love work stories. But keep your voice down. There are times when people are trying to work.
Offering your opinion to strangers – Our baby boy is quite a bit younger than his brother and sisters. My stepdaughter was 13 years old when he was born. We were at the arch in St Louis and she held her little brother while I went to the restroom. I came back in time to see a woman loudly berate her for being an unwed teen mother. I quietly corrected her mistake and we went about our business.
HAHAHAFUCKINGHAHAHA. Okay, I might not have been quiet.
Think before you open your mouth to comment on the ethnicity of a stranger’s child or offer up an opinion to someone who you know nothing about. In fact, unless you are nagging your spouse or your kids or you are specifically asked for an opinion, you should probably keep it to yourself. If you feel compelled to comment on another person’s looks or weight, then you’re probably an asshole and you need to do some self examination. What makes a person so miserable that they feel justified in being cruel about another person’s appearance?
Like I said, I have my moments. I am not always polite, but I’m trying. Even in traffic.
holy shit!! FRIST?
….loved the post. If I could add one thing: ‘No Problem’ is not, I repeat, not the same as, ‘You’re Welcome’*
* at least not for anyone over the age of 35
lol
Ummm…errr…well…I have been known to say that. In my defense though, I am very immature. haha.
Personal space is a HUGE one for me. HUGE. Stay the fuck away from me. And “holding a door open for me” while taking up the entire doorway? Doubly get the fuck away from me.
But it’s interesting to me how quickly I’ll see comments sections escalate to complete bastardly behavior, and in the strangest places, like on The Kitchn blog. Some people really do take the anonymous nature of the screen a little too seriously; I really try not to say something via computer that I would not in person (and there are some things I’ve said in person which people witnessing it were surprised by).
I have responded harshly, but it was always in response to someone being a complete dick. I don’t do that anymore. It’s not worth it. It doesn’t make me happy and it changes nothing.
I’m not really shocking in my manner..but I am direct and I will be honest (but not cruel..there is a difference) and people find that surprising or off-putting. I am a fan of direct. I’d rather know which way the wind blows and hear something I might not like than have partial or wrong information.
I am so with you on this. I have always held the belief that two of the most essential things in life are free and cheap. Civility is free, soap is cheap. It seems that a great number of people are dismissive of both!
I got irate just the other day about a story which reported that modern day feminists felt that men holding doors open for women was a sexist act. Since when did decent, considerate behaviour become sexist? I hold doors open all the time, for men, women and children. Equally I get a mite pissed of when my gesture is stoically ignored, but it doesn’t mean I have to join the ranks and add to the fact that rudeness and recalcitrance has become pandemic. I start, with everyone, on the premiss that the deserve my respect, they don’t have to earn it, it’s a given, But they can earn my disrespect pretty damned quickly. I am still rarely rude in return, well not verbally anyway, but the dialogue in my head isn’t too pretty!
I agree so much that respect is given and disrespect is earned.
I have my moments..I do. But I am working on it. I will continue to hold doors open for people as well..because it’s polite. It’s not sexist. Shit like that detracts from real issues regarding sexism.
Loved the story about your poor stepdaughter. Once at a playground, someone looked at my toddler, looked at me, looked at him again, and then asked me if he was an adopted Eskimo. I asked her if she realized she was speaking out loud.
and THAT is the perfect response!
Rude people suck. Mean people suck. I am simply overwhelmed with all of it lately. I could probably chalk up some of the ‘over it-ness’ to some anxiety in my personal life but honestly, I think that the wave of asshole behaviors on the internet is about to crest.
Rude behavior in public, I believe, is a carryover from the rudeness people exhibit on the internet. They just forget that they aren’t anonymous in the grocery store.
I get overwhelmed by it as well..I don’t know if it’s from getting older or if people really are worse now.
I’m a hermit, so I don’t encounter as much rudeness in real life as I do online. I’d eschew the Internet altogether except then I wouldn’t speak to anyone.
I’m appalled at how people treat each other when they’re behind computer screens. Talk about dehumanization.
Some people just don’t fucking get joy of swearing. Hey… maybe there’s a book there: The Joy of Swearing.
Wanna co-author?
HAHAA…There IS a book there. It’s like xanax for me.
About the comment sections: there’s a pretty cool Chrome plugin that changes all youtube comments to “herp derp” gibberish, but I wish they’d make one for newspaper articles as well. That’s where it’s most needed, as it gets me every time :/
Hahahah…I need that plugin. That’s hilarious.
Love this.
Stay away from Youtube, those people make Twitter look like polite society.
I think open mouth chewers should be shot in the town square.
Hahahah…that might be a little harsh..but I feel you.
When it comes to the internet I try to consider individual peoples’ blogs, Facebook pages, Twitter accounts, and other assorted web type things like their home, or at least their personal property. I’m going to be respectful. I’m going to do my best to be a good guest. Complaining about your use of swear words would be, to me, like coming into your house and saying your couch looks like shit. If I don’t like your couch that’s my problem, and if it’s a big enough problem I can leave without saying anything.
In the real world I try to live by a similar philosophy, although I don’t often go wandering into stranger’s houses uninvited even if I only have nice things to say about their furniture.
I rarely wander into stranger’s houses either..it has happened though. I did not have an opinion on their furniture.
Great post! I couldn’t agree more. I signed up to get your posts by email so I don’t miss them and I was wondering what email subscription you are using. I like the pop-up window that comes up at first. I’m trying to shape my site up (post conference) and make some changes. I use feed-burner, but I’m not sure if it is getting the attention in the sidebar. Thanks my email is rm29303@gmail.com
I sent you an email letting you know what I am using.
I actually had a waiter a couple weeks ago who, when we said “thank you,” returned with “of course”, and in a haughty manner, no less. WTF does that mean??? I should be honored that you served me, your highness? Geez, that’s even worse than “no problem.”
There’s no excuse for bad manners, in my opinion. But, people were either taught good manners from an early age, and they were consistently reinforced, or they weren’t. Not saying they can’t be learned at any age, but most don’t.
If you have a problem with people invading your space, don’t, under any circumstances go to Mardi Gras on Bourbon Street, or pretty much any street in New Orleans. It sucks buckets of puke.
Oh, yeah, the comment trolls on FB were the main reason I quit it forever.
I don’t usually have an issue on FB, it’s just articles I read..
Oh god..I couldn’t handle that. No way.
I’m going to adopt this from Mithra. “I asked her if she realized she was speaking out loud.” It’s perfect.
Seriously though. Are people truly more rude than they have always been or is it just more public?
Right? It’s perfect, isn’t it?
I learned a valuable lesson about reading the Comments sections over the past six months. I knew better, I knew to look away, yet there I went pouring over the rants and vitriol on Facebook and various media sites. I made myself both sick and depressed, to the point where I had to completely retreat from social media for a few weeks. I still can’t help taking a peek from time to time, but it just isn’t worth it. I no longer believe that you can still be a good person “in real life” if you spew shit like that online.
My journey to be a nicer person hits the brakes as soon as I enter Walmart. Get the friggin’ hell out of the middle of the aisle!
I also do not understand being condescending to service personnel. You do not look cool, you look like a douche. (Geez, I didn’t know I had this built-up angst. Thanks for the release!)
Yeah, it can get to you after a while..no doubt. And you are welcome! I am glad it helped. 🙂
Think the crazy sense of entitlement plays a role. Will never forget the self important one who cut in front of me waiting at Whole Foods. (Ok you guys, don’t tell me I got what I deserved for going there). “I’m in a hurry” Fuck a duck, wish I would have said “do you realize you said that out loud” instead “I don’t give a shit”. Love, love, love this blog, thank you!
Thank you so much!
And I go to Whole Foods from time to time…
great read michelle!
the nastiness out there these days. can’t even wrap my head around the energy put into bashing things one dislikes. fucking move on!
Thank you…and yes…moving on is the way to go
Comment sections – I am always amazed at how ugly they get. For some reason people think that reading an article gives them a license to attack – the article, the writer, the other commenters. Good grief, people – go kick a wall or something! The rest of the internet can be pretty bad – you can’t see me so I can say whatever I want – but comment sections seem to be the go-to place for the highest concentration of dickheads and assholes and rudeness, oh my!
I don’t get it, either…
But the comment section on your blog rocks!!!
And really, if I say hello to you, don’t just look at me like I am an alien with a third nostril.
Just say hello back – it’s not that hard…
( and by you, I don’t mean you, Michelle, I mean the royal you…..oh, never mind. )
The comment section on my blog DOES rock. Fucking hell…it is SO OFTEN the high light of my day.
1. Fuck the fucking fuckers if they can’t take a few swears.
2. There is a special circle of hell for the open mouth eaters.
3. I AM ENTERING MY PIN HERE WHY ARE YOU STANDING SO CLOSE TO ME THAT YOU COULD LAY YOUR HEAD ON MY SHOULDER, PUSHY CHECKOUT STRANGER?
4. I once wrote an entire blog post about loud people at work. Still waiting on that order for an office guard tiger, or as I plan to call him, “Fluffy McSquiggles the Quiet Enforcement Kitty.”
Also,
5. I read a lot of webcomics. It amazes me how many people comment just to say things like, “Man, I used to love this comic, but it’s really gone downhill.” Golly, what useful and constructive feedback. Thank you so much for sharing that with the class instead of just deciding to stop reading and quietly fucking off.
I think I’m done now.
AHAHHAHAHA…I love this
I don’t have any time for people who get off on making other people feel bad. I have plenty of things to feel bad about without anyone’s help. I try to practice the “don’t feed the trolls” approach in places where I comment that have them, but I find myself less and less likely to comment in those places as time goes on.
I don’t view manners as an optional nicety that can be ignored, I see them more as a tool to be used to lower the homicide rate when the population density exceeds the capability of the social infrastructure.
Also, I worked in restaurants long enough to have a really low opinion of people who are rude and abusive to food service workers. Or really, any service workers. Why be mean to people who are trying to help you? Furthermore, you don’t know what kind of day they might be having, and thus how they are likely to react.
Exactly!
Yeah, I try to not feed the trolls..it’s hard, though.
It cracks me up (by which I mean it frustrates the hell out of me) When they talk about celebrities not being relevant anymore. Like THEY are? Why do they think their puny little vitriolic opinion is relevant then?
I work the selfcheck out at my store. I hate the rude people that try to cut in line. I call them out on it all the time and their answer is ‘I didn’t know there was a line’. Bullshit you just thought that you could just move in and take over. Not going to happen on my watch asshole! Also when I am helping someone else, it doesn’t mean I wont help you but I was helping them first and I will get to you next. One last thing. It is self checkout. Not do this for me. If you want a checker go to one I have 6 registers to watch and when I have to check your cart full of half off items it takes me away from what I should be doing.
I can’t even imagine how frustrating that would be.
I think it’s maybe the age I’m at right now but I find myself calling complete strangers out on their crappy attitudes, rudeness and lack of consideration for other people when it happens in front of me. I would never have dared do that a few years ago. I think I’m officially becoming one of those eccentric and slightly scary middle aged women.
🙂
There really is no excuse for treating people like crap that are just trying to do their job.
As far as the internet goes I really don’t get why people think it’s okay to trash someone on a comment thread, or like some complete stranger did to me today after adding me as a friend, sending me a message asking me why I got divorced as it’s too sad. WTAF? Why do people think that just because they hook up with someone on a social media site that their personal life is any of their business?
I see this transferring into real life too and can’t help think that reality TV has much to answer for in that regard. I don’t remember people being so inappropriate with their comments to strangers till recently.
Yeah..I really don’t get the whole reality TV thing at all.
I CANNOT agree with this post more. PREACH IT. (Did you want to slap me when I said that, because I oddly wanted to slap me when I typed that out.)
Hahaha…nope..I didn’t want to slap you.
You already know how much I loved this post. I’ll just add that the slurping or smacking thing … oh fuck yes. I recently saw somewhere that there’s a name for slurping etc. driving some of us much more insane than others: misophonia. And of course it has levels, one to ten, ten being “GOD WILL YOU PUH-LEASE STOP MAKING THAT NOISE OR I WILL ____ (something bad).” I’ll do a blog post on this “condition” soon, maybe. I can handle metal music but a guy slurping from 100 yards away? No. And WTF is up with people coming to YOUR blog and bitching about you cussing in your writing? Hah???
Everything on your public list, YES squared to the nth degree. And I’ll add that thing where people have their cell ring tone on (grr) loud, which is bad enough, but they take their TIME about answering, in public. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring.
Ring. Ring. Ring.
And I’m all, “ANSWER THAT FUCKING PHONE” in my head. Oh, and those people who sit in waiting rooms with their phones and they’re texting or playing a game or whatever, which is FINE, but they have their keypad sound ON. WHY??
CLACK CLACK CLACK. Like you need to hear the tap tap tap or the message isn’t really going out there somehow. WTF?
I say WTF a lot, I know. Fuck.
What the fuck just works..it does. Sometimes, it’s nice to change it up a little and say what the actual fuck.
I’d like to think that generally I am pretty polite and mind my manners but traffic is the one thing that gets me. Just the other day I wondered if I was a bit Jeckyl and Hyde – nice person outside the car, not so nice inside the car – and it’s my issue I need to deal with. I need to chill out. I have always felt that the time spent getting from one place to another is time wasted so people driving slowly or badly get up my nose and I have been known to scream and shout in my car at other drivers on the road. I will even hoot on bad occasions. I’m working on this !!!!
Sister, I am the SAME in the car…but I am working on it. It’s not easy to change, is it?
I so agree with ALL of this!! Most of the time in public, I’m reduced to just silently judging everyone around me for being so (fill in the blank with appropriate adjective), so I probably end up looking like a judge-y stuck-up be-atch, when really I’m just wondering what the heck planet are they from, and how soon can they go back there??
And the internet rude stuff? Don’t even get me started… *silent screaming and tearing at hair*
I am always amazed by how horrible people are willing to be.
We once had a total stranger get mouthy with us because we were in the vestibule of the ATM with him. NOT breathing on the back of his neck, but around 3 people away from him.
We were in a hoity-toity part of Massachusetts and the ATM was literally one little room with no outer waiting area. Not sure where he parked his fucking stupid-ass high horse but he felt we should have waited outside. In the freezing rain. For him to be finished. I immediately asked him if this was HIS personal ATM and since it appeared it wasn’t, he should probably shut the fuck up. Or something to that effect. Were WE rude to not give him his privacy? We were just waiting on line for the ATM like in every other city.
Needless to say there was almost an incident because of my big mouth and the fact that Upper-Crusty High-Horsian didn’t like my response to his ass-holery. Snobby McFuckwad…
I’m mean. There, I said it! I’m really trying to become a “kinder, gentler” Jana and it works sometimes, but other days I’m like a force of nature and people should just stay far, far away from me. One of the triggers is if people are rude to me first – that just gets my goat. Another is when I’m feeling vulnerable in any way – that’s super uncomfortable for me, so I think I tend to overcompensate by being cold and emotionless, which comes across as rude.
It’s like we’re the same person…