You know the dream. The one where you are at school and realize that you forgot your clothes. Or in my case, the dream always happens at a filthy Dairy Queen and the bathrooms are so disgusting that they are unusable. I’m sure this says something about me, but as that would include ice cream and fecal matter, I’m not sure I want to know exactly what it says about me.
I just had this moment of panic. Complete and utter panic. Like the kind of panic you feel in the naked dream. Except, I am not dreaming. Also, I’m not naked. Sure, not presentable, but I couldn’t be arrested for indecency for wearing a stained shirt and Nightmare Before Christmas pajama bottoms that are literally hanging by threads around the stretched out elastic.
One of the people I performed with in Listen To Your Mother contacted me a few weeks ago about a reading event in Indianapolis. He suggested I contact the event coordinator because he thought the reading was right up my alley.
So I did.
The event coordinator wrote me back and told me that he planned to tell me that the event was full (it was). Then, he read my blog post about the socks. He loved the socks post and invited me to perform.
I really enjoyed performing in Listen To Your Mother. I had no idea that my anxiety around people completely vanishes if I have a microphone and people are forced to listen to me talk.
Anyway, I wrote back and told him that I would read my piece from LTYM. I’m familiar with, have performed, and am completely comfortable with that piece. I told him the piece would take around 4 to 5 minutes to read.
He said that was great. No problem. Only I need to fill 15 minutes.
I am pretty sure it’s physically impossible for one person to speak for 15 straight minutes without catching on fire or their lips falling off.
It’s science people. Look it up.
Fifteen goddamn minutes? I can’t read for fifteen goddamn minutes. I’ll get raspy. My nose will run. I’ll fall down. I’ll get distracted and wander away from the microphone.
The coordinator suggested I read the socks post. But that post isn’t really good for spoken word. For one, the post includes an argument I’m having with myself. I don’t think I can read an argument with myself out loud. It will sound ridiculous. I mean, how will people be able to tell who is me and who I am? See what I mean? Too confusing.
So, instead of searching through old blog posts and reading some out loud to determine which ones will work best, I just stopped thinking about it.
Fa la la la la la la
We’re going to see our mountain friends next weekend and then the event is the following Friday. July 17. I have this weekend to pick the material, rehearse, and time it.
So, obviously, I wrote a blog post about it first. I have priorities. I also have mad avoidance skills.
It just occurred to me that the guy who is coordinating the event might read this blog post. I mean, he read the socks post and liked it. Maybe he’s been reading my blog. I don’t know. If he does read my blog…well…awkward. Although, really, it’s not even the top 10 of my most awkward moments over the past few weeks. I would have to top finding myself at the movies, on the floor, covered in soda and popcorn to even break into the top ten awkward moments of the past two weeks.
Okay, if you are reading and happen to be the dude who invited me to perform at the Indy Reads Books event on July 17th, then let me assure you…all is well. I always freak out like this. Freaking out is part of the process. I will be prepared and fine and am very nearly certain that I won’t vomit during my performance.
Probably.
Still, the fact you’re being booked to read is AWESOME. Well done 🙂
Thank you! I am looking forward to it. I just have to figure out WHAT I’m going to read.
So you’re already past your 15 minutes of fame and people still love you… Relax already… You got this…
thank you…I do. It will be fine. I just panicked because I haven’t prepared yet.
“Get distracted and wander away from the microphone!” OMG. You are hilarious. I wish I lived where I could come and see you and then you could picture me naked in the audience and…wait. Is that something people do? Or did I just get really weird?
Anyway, YOU WILL BE AMAZING. Because you are. AMAZING!
HAHAHAH…really weird is my FAVORITE!
Dude..you were in my spam folder with the porn and payday loan spam. Wtf? My spam filter is dumb.
In the book series Phule’s Company (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Phule's_Company_(series)#Rose.2FMother) the character mother can’t look anyone in the eye or speak above a mumble. They put her in charge of the communication system. As long as she runs the radio and can’t see you she become loud and happy.
Maybe you should get a radio show???
A radio show would be AWESOME! And then next, I’ll be a movie star. hahaha.
As long as there’s a microphone you’ll be ok.
Haha. I assume there will be.
Congrats!!
Why don’t you just talk about the Great Deception? You know, what you thought adult life would be like & what it really is. You could draw on most of your posts for examples.
You can use that toddler harness I’d suggested to keep you at the podium.
Rooting for you!
Toddler harness!! BRILLIANT!
I’m not writing anything new for this. I think I’m just going to read some completely unrelated blog posts.
I think after the nerves pass you will knock them dead! I have faith in you…just whatever you do DON’T FORGET TO PACK YOUR MASCARA! Have a great time in the mountains!
HAHAH! We aren’t spending the night there, so mascara will be applied BEFORE WE LEAVE.
Holy Christ, this is hilarious! And yes, it’s the dude coordinating the event. I feel so honored to be referred to!!
(Also, when I’m giving a talk and I want to do two sides of a dialogue is I will switch hands holding the microphone for each side and/or turn my head and “look at” the other person. What I’m trying to say is PLEEEEEEEEASE do the socks one!!!)
HAHAH. holy shit..this is funny.
Okay. I will do the sock one. I think.
Ha, brilliant, yes do the sock one
:-))
Randy versus the squirrel is pretty hilarious too.
Wish I could be there.
Rock on sister across the pond!
Ohhh..the squirrel one WOULD be a good one. I was thinking the ‘what not to wear after 50’ since that one did so well on Huffpo.
Yes that would be a great one too, or the painted appliances, that made me laugh a lot.
I would need pictures for the painted appliance one. I like that one a lot, too.
Wait, how is this a story about a naked dream?
Michelle, you’re a fucking genius! hahahaha
Also, it’s very possible to read something aloud where you’re arguing with yourself. I talk to myself frequently, and have been know to occasionally engage in arguments.
Well…I’m going to give it a shot. How bad can it go? I mean..I don’t think I will incite riots or anything.
I love it. I have mad avoidance skills as well. Super mad. Actually like superhero level mad. Like today, I’m avoiding everything by doing nothing, which seems to be working pretty well so far.
You’ll totally rock the event. I couldn’t talk for 5 minutes, let alone 15 minutes. omg. I would probably spontaneously combust or pass out, or both. I think I’m allergic to stages and microphones. I can ramble/chatter forever in a group, but if you put me up on a stage, I’m like the dancing frog from the cartoon. “ribbitt”
ps–I must be weird because I’ve never had the naked dream…?
I thought that is how I would react..but I found I’m quite the opposite…I loved performing.
Hmmmm..weird because you DON’T have the naked dream? I dunno. I don’t think that makes you weird, but I’m sure you make up for it in other ways. haha.
Oh, yes. Probably because I’m weird enough, during the DAY…My dreams are pretty boring and/or mildly odd at best.
I always think I could speak on stage. Sure. Then I get on a stage and I forget how to … word. can’t.. do… speaaaak-k-k-kk- gak
I literally almost passed out from fright ON the stage thingy at our wedding. I started going over backwards, and the only thing keeping me up was the fact that Shane was holding onto both my hands and pulling me back upright. *cringe*
Love how the dude posted a comment so he IS reading your blog. And of COURSE he is reading your blog! How cool that you’re in this predicament in the first place! Awesome! I’m sure it will be great no matter what you choose to read. 🙂
Right? I really assumed that he didn’t read my blog and was just being silly. That was awesome. And thank you. I’m looking forward to it.
When I was flying for Pan Am, I’d occasionally have a version of that dream. Only I was locked out of my hotel room stark naked. Yikes.
I don’t know if you remember Bob Newhart’s comedy routines. He used the telephone. The audience only heard his side of the conversation, but the routines were funny! Maybe you can find one on YouTube that may help with what could appear to be a psychotic breakdown, as you argue with yourself.
Have fun!
I DO remember those routines. Freaking hilarious! Good idea!
Ahh hahaha I hate when I’m afraid to blog about something because the causer-of-the-freakout might read it. ANYWAYS YAY that’s exciting! Kick. Ass.
Hahhaha..and he did..which is hilarious. Thanks! I’m actually looking forward to it.
I TOLD you that you would stomp them into the dirt, and they would want more… It makes sense that the guy reads your blog, that’s how he knows how awesome you are… Just make time to practice it a few times and it will be great, again.
Oh, and congratulations.
Thank you! I can’t wait to see my youtube video. It’s supposed to be out sometime this month.
I argue with myself out loud all the time. It’s easier than you think.
I am going to practice this weekend. 🙂
Pretty sure vomiting occurs at minute 16 or under minute 6. So just don’t go too long or too short. No pressure. No vomit. You’re golden!
That shit should be on a t-shirt. No pressure. No Vomit.
That shit should be on a t-shirt. No pressure. No Vomit.
Congratulations! You will be great. You can always make a sock hand for the other you?
I should. That would be funny.
And vomiting is not a bad place for comedy to start really. Just keep a handy metal trash can on stage. I am always trying to think how I would handle the worst possible scenario… I like the sock hand suggestion… just don’t try dissociation or you will have to fly me in as a therapist, do hypnosis and whatever… good luck! You are funny. Smart. You will be great.
Thank you!!! I am excited about it!
I’m so excited for you and I wish I could be there to hear you!!! PLEASE get someone to record it for us!
Randy is going to record it for me! Here’s to hoping I don’t fuck it up!
Yes, recording! That would be great I’d love to see this and congratulations! Your blog posts sound like ramblings and are hysterical, so either they are ramblings and you’re just naturally really good, or you actually work at them in which case you can do this too! Either way you’re great and it’ll be fantastic!
HAHAAH…my blog posts are usually written in 30 minutes or less…it’s the shit that is in my head. Drives Randy crazy because he thinks if I would just take my time and edit more, they’d be great. But I get bored too easy and move on.
You should tell him the vomit only shows you care. It would almost be insulting not to!
PS: So excited for you! ^_^
Thanks, sister..I’m looking forward to it!
You will do just fine. Trust me.
Thanks! I think it will be okay.
Here’s the cure for that dream: http://psb1969.blogspot.com/2012/08/finally.html
I don’t recommend it myself, but my hubs says it’s very effective.
Also, you’ll be great. Wish I were close enough to come see
Thank you!!
This is very exciting! Just keep reminding yourself that no matter how freaked out you are feeling – once you make it to the microphone, things will go swimmingly! I’m not sure why that is even a phrase meant to illustrate ease and success – because swimming is hard for a lot of people and other people are terrified of swimming! But in your case, you’ll be breast-stroking along with no problems at all (but don’t do that literally – they might have a problem with you stroking your breasts at a public reading).
HAHHAHAHAH
Okay..note to self. No breast strokes.
How about the 15 minutes of the most awkward moments of the last week? I’d come listen to that….If I were closer to Indy. Also, you could do the argument thing where comedians pretend to be talking to someone else by switching sides of the mic…..just don’t swivel too fast and end up pole dancing or breaking a hip….
Hahaha…that’s all I need. A broken hip. IT WAS FUNNY, THOUGH!