The Top 5 Fucked Up Things Nuns Did at St Augustine Elementary In The ’70’s
In 1973, Sister John Bono, fourth grade teacher, conducted an art project that involved ironing. Not surprisingly, a girl got burned when the iron tipped over and seared her wrist.
Sister John Bono sent the girl to the nun house for first aid. The nun in the nun house put a pat of butter on the burn and then wrapped the girl’s wrist with a dishtowel from the kitchen. The nun held the dishtowel in place with a rubber band she had taken from the morning paper. She didn’t even pick the toast crumbs out of the butter.
It’s possible the nuns washed their towels in holy water and the holy water would have probably given the dishtowels sterility from heaven. If that were the case, though, it seems that the nun would have chosen holy water over butter to soothe the burn.
In 1971, Sister Rupert Weasley caught a girl throwing another girl’s bagged lunch into the St. Vincent DePaul box during recess. The St. Vincent DePaul box was like a Goodwill box, except for Catholic people.
Sister Rupert Weasley, the second scariest nun at St Augustine elementary, took the girl to see the scariest nun at St Augustine, the principal, Sister Christine. Sister Christine told the girl, who was 8 years old, that she ruined all the clothes in the poor people box and that children who would have had winter coats would now freeze to death because of her.
The girl would spend years trying to forgive herself for killing poor kids. To this day, the story “The Little Match Girl” stresses her the fuck out. Who killed the little match girl? She did.
In 1974, Sister Christine summoned a girl to her office and rained the wrath of God on her because the girl’s mother didn’t fill out the proper paperwork for the next school year. Sister Christine told the girl that the girl’s mother was a terrible person who wasted Sister Christine’s time. Sister Christine turned purple she was so upset about the girl’s mother fucking up the paperwork and ruining her life. Sister Christine wore herself out screaming and sent the sobbing girl back to her classroom.
Sister Juan Epstein comforted the girl as best she could, but even though the sister had a guitar and was the coolest nun ever, sister Juan Epstein couldn’t stop the little girl’s mom from sucking and, therefore, was of no comfort. The girl sniffled and hiccuped at her desk as her fifth grade classmates looked on. Most of them clutched rosaries.
In 1975, Sister Mario Hatfield, first grade teacher, yanked a little girl, who had just vomited, from a pew during early morning mass. Sister Mario Hatfield shook the shoulders of the little girl and whisper/yelled at the little girl as she dragged her from the church.
The little girl’s older sister watched helplessly and hoped her younger sister wasn’t going to have to go see Sister Christine. She had no idea what the penance for puking in church was, but it had to be at least as bad as the ”lunch in the Saint Vincent DePaul box” incident.
The fifth fucked up event was perpetrated by a priest, but the nuns were complicit. Students were required to go to confession every other Wednesday. In 1972, a young girl decided to change her sins up a bit as she was certain Father Randall Flagg had grown tired of her normal “I fought with my sisters and lied to my mother” sins. So she said that she stole a pencil from the teacher’s desk. She didn’t actually steal anything, rather she was trying to come up with an original sin.
Confessional is sacred. Confessional is safe. One can bare their soul in confession. One can find atonement in the confessional. Secrets are safe with God and the priest. Unless you were a 9 year old girl at St Augustine elementary in the seventies. The priest charged from his side of the confessional and pulled the girl from the sanctity of the confessional where he sentenced her to writing hundreds of lines and no recess for 2 weeks. The girl briefly considered saying that she made the whole thing up, but was afraid of what the penance would be for lying about sins during confession. The nuns doled out her punishment while keeping an extra watchful eyes on their no. 2 pencils.
Names changed to protect the clergy. Even though God knows what they did. I didn’t change Sister Christine’s name because Sister Christine was a cunt.