Do they even make scratch-n-sniff stickers any more? If you are my age and reach way back, you might recall when scratch-n-sniff stickers made their debut. I remember teachers giving us scratch-n-sniff stickers as a reward.
Fucking really? Our reward was that we got to smell something?
Then John Waters made that movie with Odorama and you got a scratch-n-sniff card to smell along with the movie. I didn’t see that because I thought it sounded weird, disturbing, and disgusting. I was 18 years old and just graduating high school when the movie came out. This is another way that I know I’ve fundamentally changed over the course of my last 34 years. I would totally see Polyester now. Although, I’d probably avoid the “flatulence” scratch-n-sniff.
I would tell you the train of thought that took me to scratch-n-sniff stickers, but I don’t know if I could. Even if I could, I would have to cease to be able to pretend that I’m not completely batshit.
I will just say that I took a left at “Goddamn this week has sucked balls” and then stayed on a stretch of “Wonder what Tony Orlando and Dawn are doing these days?” and then jumped the median over onto “If I could pick out my urn for my cremains, I would pick a lava lamp”. Scratch-n-sniff ended up between “Is that chicken salad still good?” and “I wonder if teleportation would make me motion sick?”.
But I digress.
I thought it would be a cool idea if the Walking Dead marketing people made scratch-n-sniff trading cards.
Brilliant, right?
I even thought of the scents they should have. I should get an Emmy for this.
My dreams of walking the red carpet don’t have to make any sense, thank you very much.
First, we have to accept that mostly, the cards smell like BO. I mean, the characters are on an never ending camping trip. Each card should have a unique smell other than BO or else all the cards would just smell like BO.
Anyway, here you go. The Walking Dead scratch-n-sniff trading cards:
- Coral’s hat. When you scratch this one, you get subtle hints of chocolate pudding, teen angst, and baby powder. Also, when you smell Carl’s hat, you will feel the urge to wander off at the worst possible time.
- Merle’s saddle bag. A potent combination of menthol and rancid bologna. One whiff of Merle’s saddle bag doubles your chances of going to prison.
- Herschel’s leg stump. This smells like a hospital waiting room, horse stalls, and fruit stripe gum. Smelling Herschel’s leg stump increases your capacity for empathy 3%.
- Michonne’s dreads. This card features the spicy smell of cinnamon and earthy badassery. Breathe in Michonne’s dreads and you will want to poke things with a sharp stick.
- Carol’s cookies. At first, there’s scents of sugar and spice followed by molten steel. Smelling Carol’s cookies make you want to set sick people on fire. Even if they just have the sniffles. You can’t be too careful.
- Daryl’s angel wings. Toast, sunshine, and fair food. Pressing your nose against Daryl’s angel wing card causes slight dizziness and could be the start of some pleasant aching.
- Rick’s beard. A bouquet of convenience store burritos, lavender, and gasoline. After smelling this card, you will forever pronounce the name “Carl” as “Coral”.
- Terminus welcome center. Pretty much just smells like BBQ and Hannibal Lecter’s freezer. Odors of the Terminus welcome center make you want to host an outdoor party and perhaps snack on your neighbors.
- Governor’s eye hole. The governor’s eye hole smells like a smoldering fire pit, musty smugness, and bus fumes. Smelling the governor’s eye hole will make you want to take up canning. Not that you’ll want to can human heads, though. Definitely, probably not human heads.
- Green family barn. Sophia. It smells like Sophia.
- Glen’s backpack. A potent trifecta of pepperoni pizza, brand new Ked’s, and pixie sticks. Smell Glen’s backpack and you will be twice as adorable for at least 90 minutes.
- Maggie’s cowboy boots. The essence of horse saddles stored in rose petals. Smell this card you will not only be able to handle a gun, you’ll feel like you can deliver a calf and feel confident enough to have sex in the middle of an abandoned drug store.
- Abraham’s right hand. Don’t be perverted. It smells like whiskey.
- Dale’s RV. Aromas of pipe tobacco, denture cream, and silver polish. Smelling Dale’s RV makes you the voice of reason and gives you the urge to wear dumb old man hats.
I can’t believe these aren’t available for sale yet. I can’t wait to get mine. When I do, I will trade you two Glenns, a Dale, and four Corals for your angel wings.
damn! screwed up the Comment submittalization!
and, I repeat, ‘what the fuck?’
Although I’ve never watched the show, I enjoyed the Post. (to paraphrase Lyle Lovett), ‘that doesn’t make me a bad person, does it?’
I knew this would only appeal to a smaller audience, so I tried to make the beginning at least a little entertaining and not about The Walking Dead. Haha.
They are either coming with your Emmy, or a nice little one month refill…
Now we have ‘scratch and sniff’ bookmarks at the library. Remember when the popcorn smell was a little rancid and the pizza smell was like bad Doritos…before there were Doritos???
I kinda miss ‘scratch and sniff’ but will definitely consider the lava lamp for my ashes if the cadaver dog trainees don’t want to find me later….oohhh how cool to have a ‘scratch and sniff’ ‘sample card’ for all the different corpses for the sniffing trainees so they have to find the RIGHT remaining arm for the right body???
You just gave me a great idea 🙂
See? It’s the butterfly effect. Kind of. Not really.
Watching The Walking Dead has been on my to-do list since…well, since the series started and the process of catching up becomes more daunting with each passing season. But if these really existed they would finally push me over the edge and probably into a week-long binge-watching marathon, or at least until the scratch-‘n’-sniffs gave out, either from over-inhalation or my over-use of hyphens.
And I used to associate scratch-‘n’-sniffs with that John Waters movie until a Bloom County comic promised future strips would include scratch-‘n’-sniffs of frying bacon and Prince’s hair, among other things. Opus is seen heavily snorting one and then says, “The walls are crawling with giant fanged Funky Winkerbeans!”
I would have included a link but it doesn’t turn up. If you Google “Bloom County scratch-‘n’-sniff” though I recommend you have Safe Search turned on.
I LOVE the walking dead. You will have to let me know what you think once you get started on it.
I suggested scratch and sniff as the million dollar idea that would allow Playboy to get ahead of the internet again (because that was apparently an issue, and the internet doesn’t have smell), along with musical foldout pinups. The Hef still needs to get back to me though.
Dammit! That is a great idea!!!
So I don’t watch the Walking Dead (I know, I know). But I absolutely love Kim Dickens and had a little extra time this week. So I blew through Fear the Walking Dead in about two days. Absolutely adored it. Can’t wait for next season.
I have not finished Fear the walking dead yet, I’m 3 episodes in..it’s pretty good..but I like the walking dead more. Because Daryl.
Bitch, you will never ever take Daryl’s angel wings card from me, unless I get bit, turn all zombie and Coral takes my out with a pea shooter. Only then you can pry it from my dead, cold, bloody fingers. If you try before I get bitten I’ll go all Carol on your ass. Bitch. True story.
xo 🙂
HAHAHAHHAHA…OKAY! You win..I won’t take your angel wings. I’ll take someone else’s angel wings.
This is freaking brilliant and hilarious and I want them!
Thank you! I want them too!!
Where is the Registered Trademark on these??
I am likely to get hate mail on this one… I love the Walking Dead but can’t stand Daryl. There, I said it. The first step is admitting I have a problem.
BTW: Glenn’s backpack might also smell of blind trust and entrails, but that is just my preference.
I loved Norman Reedus in Boondock Saints and then didn’t watch the Walking Dead because I only wanted him to be Murphy MacManus…but then I caved and I still love him.
Well I’ve never watched this show, but I do believe you deserve to get rich for your brilliant idea!
Thank you! I would make SUCH A GOOD rich person.
What would Morgan’s knee pads smell like? Patchouli, cucumbers and goat cheese?
I’d definitely buy your stickers. Maybe they should be given out to the audience members on The Talking Dead. I think it’s time to tweet Chris Hardwick.
now THAT is a good idea!
ha ha ha, with you on the lava lamp.
Never seen the Walking Dead, or at least I don’t think I have, been a while since I had a TV now but this still made me laugh. I can think of several films I definitely don’t want scratch and sniff cards for. Blazing Saddles would be pretty high up on that list.
🙂
Oh god, yeah…no on the Blazing Saddles scratch n sniff.
This would probably make more sense to me if I’d ever seen the show. That notwithstanding, why on earth would you want to sniff the BO of folks who’ve been trapped out in the woods forever?
I don’t want to sniff it..I want people to pay for sniffing it and then I won’t have to be in a cubicle anymore. Because of BO.
Scratch and sniff used to have an entirely different meaning to me and the crowd I ran with…
I am sure it did. haha. Scratch n sniff just sounds all around unpleasant.
Shit that was the wrong link….don’t hate me!!! THIS is what I wanted to send you
http://i.imgur.com/agjj2s3.jpg
HAHAHAHA omg, I LOVE THAT KITTY
And no worries, I wouldn’t have hated you over the picture. I deleted the whole thing since it was a mistake.
I thought of you right away when I saw the Daryl kitty. I got the impression that you “sort of like him” 😉 . Thanks for deleting the sad link…I should definitely check twice before I click submit!
I do shit like that all the time. Haha.
Yeah, I sort of like him. It all started with Boondock Saints
we actually just got a scratch ‘n’ sniff guide to Whiskey at the library. So the technology has not been lost to us!
I gave up patience with the Walking Dead a couple of seasons ago (it’s the only TV show that caused me to yell at the screen). But I remember those first two seasons fondly.
I didn’t start watching until it was 3 seasons in and I am totally hooked.
You see all I can think about while reading this post is the flavoured jelly beans in harry potter. You know, the ones that taste like vomit, or boogers.
Thanks for that.
HAHAHAH…I ate a vomit one once.
Not a fan of the Walking Dead. But they haven’t bathed in a long time. I do not want to sniff them.
I haven’t heard and Tony Orlando and Dawn in years.
My husband is also not a fan…he wouldn’t want to sniff them, either.