There’s A Hole In My Bucket List

You know what happens if you leave things in your bucket list long enough?

I decided last year that I was going to do something that terrified me in order to better manage other fears. I have an irrational fear of flying. I hate being in airplanes and if it weren’t for drugs, I would sob every time I get on one. I know this because every time I’ve been on a plane without drugs, I sob.

I decided last year that I would go sky diving. Because the only thing more terrifying than flying in a plane is the thought of fucking jumping out of one. I guess maybe jumping out of one while riding a great white shark would be more terrifying, but that is just silly.

When I made that decision last year, I knew I would have to wait until it got warm out and I had months to go that would be completely free of jumping out of planes.

As it were, I waited too long and we once again have the polar vortex breathing down our necks. Jumping out of a plane would likely freeze my eyeballs.

A year has passed since I decided that jumping out of a plane might allay some other fears I have. Do I still want to jump out of a plane?

Fuck.

No.

That’s just fucking crazy. I am terrified of even getting in a plane, what makes me think I’d be successful jumping out of one? I’d have a heart attack and die. Having a heart attack and dying while falling through the air attached to a stranger just doesn’t sound like fun. I mean, what benefit is there? Will it really help me cope with other fears? Will it help ease my anxiety? What if it made it worse?

Apparently, there is a hole in my bucket list because jumping out of an air plane is no longer on it.

I guess when things sit on your bucket list long enough, they eventually slip out.

HAHAHAAH…okay, I don’t actually have a bucket list.

The way my brain jumps around, working from lists would probably help me, but if I don’t even make a shopping list, I’m probably not going to get around to making a bucket list.

I guess I have a sort of bucket list, it’s never been written down or anything, but there are a few things I want to do before I die. I want to attend a film festival. I would say it doesn’t matter which one, but if I get to pick, it would be Cannes. I would settle for Sundance, though. I want to stay in one of those huts over the water in Bora Bora. I want to get all fancied up and walk down a red carpet. I’m not sure how successful I will be with my bucket list. Although, there is one more. One more that I would let all the other ones fall out of the hole in my bucket list if I could achieve it.

I want to be less afraid.

I quit my job on Friday.

I have been at this job for over 7 years now. It’s the longest I’ve ever worked at one place. I haven’t been happy during my time there and moving on is in my best interest. I probably should have done this years ago.

I am terrified of starting something new. I am afraid I’ll fail. I am afraid to meet new people. I’m afraid it will be stressful.

I don’t know this for sure, but I don’t think if I had jumped out of a plane last Summer, that I would feel any less anxious.

So, distract me. I have 3 weeks before I start my new job. I need to focus on something other than my negative thoughts. Tell me one of two things on your bucket list. I might even steal a few of them. 

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68 Thoughts.

  1. I’ve been in 13 motor vehicle accidents (5 of them roll overs) and been kicked in the helmet by a kangaroo that jumped over me while I was doing about 70mph on my Harley, consequently, surviving my own life is the only item left on my bucket list…so, sorry, there’s not much to steal there Mich. I jumped out of a plane when I was younger…definitely something to do when you’re younger I think.

  2. I want to subscribe to a really cool blog. Check!
    I’m glad you didn’t jump out of a plane. The place you worked had so much to offer (yoga), but you’d seen it all (HA) so good riddance and good luck.
    OK, I really just want to get paid to do something I love. Not paid in kisses and eye rolls. Like, really paid.
    I would also like to stand in the rain without feeling cold. To have a stranger buy me coffee because I look like I need it (or because I look hot :). To sleep past 8am.
    Steal away!

  3. I was pushed out of a plane on my 40th birthday. I can’t say I jumped out of a plane cause that would be a lie. I kneeled at that open door and muttered under my breath “There is no way I am jumping out of this plane”. Then a voice in my ear said “Oh yes you are” and the guy strapped to my back pushed me out of the plane.

    That was December 1, 2004 in southern California. At 13,000 feet, it is cold regardless. But the jumpsuits they give you are really warm and the only thing that actually got cold were my tonsils.

    It was awesome. It was glorious. It was terrifying. It was something I really wanted to do again on my 50th birthday (and make a tradition out of it) but finances are not going to allow it.

    Don’t let the cold stop you. It’s a shorter trip down than you think. And it will definitely distract you from the paranoia of starting a new job. Better yet – after you survive skydiving, meeting new people will be a cinch! GO FOR IT!!

      • I am afraid of heights. I get vertigo just looking off an overpass. And I am definitely NOT an adrenaline junkie. If I did go again, it would be another tandem jump and I would have to be pushed out of the plane again. But I would still love to do it again BECAUSE I am so afraid of it. Ten years later, it still feels like that was one of my biggest accomplishments – doing something that terrified me, that I did not have to do, totally by choice. It was a huge kick in the confidence!

        That being said, I thought MY heart was going to fall out at one point. I rubbed my shoulder where the strap was binding a bit and my jump partner LOOSENED THE STRAP – IN MIDAIR!!!! I think that might have been the scariest moment in my entire life. I responded by shrieking (you may have heard me in Ohio) and wrapping myself around him like a cross between an octopus and a hungry python.

        But I survived it without even having a minor heart attack and my only regret about the whole experience was that I didn’t spring for the video package. So yes, I highly recommend skydiving – especially if you are terrfied to do it! There is something really empowering about being able to say “I did it” about something that scary – and most of us need all the empowering we can get. Too bad they don’t sell that shit in a bottle. 🙂

  4. Ha, yeah sod jumping out of a plane, I like flying but there is nothing on this planet could convince me to do that, unless the plane was crashing and it was my only means of survival.
    🙂
    Mine is a whole list of things that are growing less likely by the year and most are typically music orientated. I’ve already done a lot of stuff I had on my list but there’s still a lot more I’d like to do.

    1. I want to see Paris, preferably with someone who knows the city.
    2. I would love to play at Tipitinas in New Orleans, at the very least I’d like to see New Orleans.
    3. I also would love to visit and play in Austin, Texas.
    4. I’d like to see Fleetwood Mac live just once.
    5. I’d like to be able to read all the books I’ve wanted to read.
    6. I would love to see Coppelia
    7. I’d like to see a Puccini opera
    8. I’d like to sing with one of the many people I’ve admired over the years, there is a long list, but just one of them would do it.
    9. I’d like to go back to Mauritius, preferably not alone.
    10. I’d like to record an album with the Sound City desk.

    There’s more but that’s probably more than enough
    🙂

  5. Bravo! Congrats on moving on from a stagnant situation! I left my job in June- after 15 years in insurance I was burnt out and ready for change. It is the right decision, even if the next job doesn’t work out, don’t look back! I am learning that being change resistant was a hinderance to happiness, so go for it! My bucket list item is to see a game in every pro football stadium and every pro baseball stadium (lucky for my husband). Congrats & best of luck on the new venture! Best, Karen 🙂

    • Thank you so much!!! and Congrats to you as well..15 years is a long time. It’s hard to change.

      Good luck on your bucket list! I would get huge from the stadium food.

  6. My bucket list: hmmmm.
    1) Feel less anxious, ok, feel alot less anxious.
    2) walk the Camino, by myself, for at least a month.

    but yeah, number 1 is all my bucket list can handle right now.

    Good for you for changing jobs, I know it is scary as hell, but good for you anyways.

    • Thank you. I feel you. My anxiety is off the chart. I wasn’t going to actually resign my job until the end of next week, but I couldn’t stand to have it over my head anymore. Of course now that I’ve done it, all I can think is..HOLY FUCK I’VE QUIT MY JOB

  7. My bucket list kicked the bucket…………………..just so you know………………….the down side of that is it was the bucket I use to pee in when there is someone in the toilet, now I have to go out the back and pee on the grass like a dog…………………….ok I don’t pee on the grass like a dog………….but it sounded good……………………..didn’t it………….ok my daughter said I sound like I am disturbed or something my bad…………..

  8. I wanna be a back up dancer for Tina Turner. Does it count if it is LITERALLY impossible!! Okay, just kidding.

    But, it is funny that you should mention a Bucket List… I just ran out of gas while rushing to meet a friend and had to walk around to find a place open so I could use the phone because I was sans cell. I commented on Facebook that I finally got that off my Bucket List. But, truth be told… those few minutes were so exhilarating and wonderful and awesome!!! I love not being in absolute control… not having everything figured out… and having to rely on something working out – outside of my realm of influence – in order for things to fall into place. I missed that a lot. It was often like that overseas.

    Great news on the job front. I have to decide myself what to do REAL QUICK… either go back to work, accept a medical termination, or figure out a new direction. Maybe you have some pearls of wisdom to share with me?!?!

    Oh – yeah – does the new job mean that you’ll not be posting at least 100 Tweets by lunchtime for my personal entertainment anymore? That would really suck – so I will need ALL THREE weeks to prepare for that!

    • Hahaha…yeah…my tweets will probably plummet..

      Oh god, pearls of wisdom. I have no idea what to advise..Whatever you choose, you’re gonna be okay. I’m sure of that.

  9. Maybe it’s weird to say congrats on quitting your job, but I think it’s so brave to take that leap! Though, I can understand how scary it is to start a new job, for sure.

    Hm, the one main thing on my bucket list would be to visit all the continents.

  10. I had a feeling that the good news you were hinting about a few posts ago was gonna be a new job. Good for you, congratulations, and think of all the new blog material you’ll have! You know, I have done things on a motorcycle that you would cover your eyes rather than watch, and airplanes scare the bejeesus out of me. Boats, too. Really, anything that will kill me if it fails I don’t like, because as a former machinist, I know the ways in which things do fail. I don’t even like roller-coasters fergawdsakes.
    If I ever had anything like a bucket list, it would have been all about motorcycle races and rock concerts. I feel like I did OK on both. I won some races that I am still proud of, got paid to play my guitar and sing in front of an audience a few times, and attended a couple of hundred shows. My bucket list as of right now is more of a to-do list, and most of it is in the process of actually happening: Eye surgery (I’m on a wait list at Highland Hospital), get us moved out of this awful place (various irons in that fire, fingers crossed) and get a real internet connection (see previous item). Maybe if I can accomplish those things, I’ll feel like going to another rock concert. The Joy Formidable, perhaps.

    • It’s always good to have new sources for blog material. I am excited about this job. The people just seem so completely nice. Still..very anxious.

      I really hope you have lots of luck completing that ‘to do’ list you have.

  11. Ahhh those three weeks are going to be a long wait, but it must be such a relief to have quit a job which was doing you no good. I’ve done that, and it was AMAZING. Leaving was the best thing ever.

    And yes, it will be hard and you’ll be anxious, but yaknow what? You’ll build relationships and find people to talk to and some people you’ll get on well with, and others you won’t, and it will normalise and become all the everything and in-between that a workplace is. I just hope that it’s a happier one for you, with more good moments than your former job.

    Do your best to enjoy these weeks. Worrying won’t make them go quicker, but I know you know that, so I hope you find something productive to do with your time.

    My bucket list would include jumping out of an airplane if it wasn’t so damned expensive. I can’t justify the cost. I want to come to ‘murica next year. After that, there’s pretty much a blank sheet of paper. There is nothing I feel I NEED to have or do or experience, which is rather lovely.

    • Yeah, I think I’m going to try to get a lot of writing done..but it’s hard when I’m anxious, I can’t focus (no..NO..it’s HARD to focus) I don’t feel clever or funny…but I am still going to work at it.

      I do need this change…If I could just stop these screaming moments of HOLY FUCK I QUIT MY JOB from popping up.

  12. Hey, I’ve been subscribed for the last month or two. I found you by googling the phrase “blogging while stoned.” And BAM, you entered my life. I went through the stage of reading all of your entries on the side of your page and knew I had to subscribe to you. I absolutely love you simply because (hold your nose this is going to sound weird and creepy.) I honestly believed I was alone in the world until I read your blog. I’m not saying we are twins but the way you think, write, and function is extremely similar to me. It was a feeling unlike another to know there isn’t anything “wrong” with me, that there are other people who share my humor and sarcasm. Maybe I have been living under a rock, but at least now I have some entertainment!
    My bucket list includes learning the guitar, opening my own business, contributing to a charity or starting a scholarship for girls in STEM, traveling the world, but really I know I just need to be able to look back on life and not have overwhelming regret.
    I quit my job of seven years last year and went back to school. I thought I would stay with the company and make a career out of it, but I couldn’t get promoted to management, (too young and too emotionally unstable.) and I realized as much effort I put into my work, I wanted to do something I loved. Ironically enough, I will be going back to the company in less than a month as a cashier, but it will be more of a part-time job (at a different location.) to get me through school, so less stress about being passed over for promotions but not call-ins.
    Some times I get very anxious about the future too. I worry that I’ll get my license but then hate what I went to school for, or that my new employer will see me the same way as my old employer did, or that all of my old issues I am trying to fix will still rear their ugly heads in, out? Whatever, I hope you know what I mean. What comforts me is knowing the time will pass no matter what decisions I make, and all I can do is try my absolute hardest and do my best and know if I genuinely stick to myself, I won’t look back and have any regret. I know you’ll do fine because you know you rock. You do know that, right?

    Okay well sorry this post was so long but really, I am so happy I found your blog! Have an awesome Sunday!

    • Thank you so much for writing and don’t apologize for the length, I was happy to read it!

      I think it’s awesome when we ‘connect’ with people we feel understand who we are and how we think..it makes loneliness a little less lonely, right?

      I am terrified to start this new job, but I found I was becoming a different person at my old job and I didn’t like who I was turning in to. I just have to keep the anxiety at bay…difficult…but I can do it.

      The future is kind of scary..but at least we have one. I wish you the best of everything with your schooling..just trust that you made the right choice. 🙂

      Peace.

  13. Skydiving always intrigued me — but I get so motion sick these days (just doing yoga or swinging on playground swings makes me nauseous) that I worry I would upchuck in mid-air. Some poor fucker on the ground would be incredibly traumatized when, inexplicably, vomit fell from the sky onto their head — wondering where the hell it came from and what they had done to warrant the wrath of God.

    One of the things that fell out of my bucket list was being a backup singer on some superstar’s album. I would still totally do it if I had the chance — but it seems less and less likely these days (especially now that I’m not in radio anymore). Plus, let’s face it — while I can get by singing some karaoke, I have trouble carrying a tune.

    My friend, I tremendously admire the fact that you are taking such a leap! It had to be terrifying, but I have no doubt that the payoffs will be tremendous!

    • Thank you! I hope so. I hope I do well. I’m not convinced yet…I’m going through all kinds of self doubt…

      I can’t even sing karaoke..but that didn’t stop me from trying that one time. Holy hell…

  14. I don’t blame you for deciding against jumping out of a plane. That never sounded fun to me.

    And I don’t have a bucket list, although I’d like to see more places in the world with my kids before they move out.

    I’d also like to take a three-month writing sabbatical on the shores of some mountain lake in Guatemala.

    I wouldn’t mind seeing my name on the cover of a book as a result.

    … and then autographing a copy for Sting at his request.

    See how quickly this gets out of control?

    Congrats on the new job!

  15. It’s on my annual bucket list so if you do it I’ll meet you there and we’d have a blast: GenCon!

    Still on my bucket list: a long train ride across the country. Preferable crossing a northern route to the west and a southern route back. Just to see as much of this wonderful country as I can.

  16. I am so glad that you did not jump out of the plane to quell your fear of flying because that is just, I am sorry to be negative, bat shit crazy!
    Moving on is best!!!

  17. Maybe the bicket overfoweth?! Things fall out when they’re overflowing, too 😉

    I want to see more of the world. I want to learn how to make a proper ‘dirty’ martini. That’s all I can think of at the moment. Pathetic.

  18. Nah, you won’t catch me jumping out of a perfectly good airplane either…
    I’ve taken Son hang-gliding a couple of times – I’d be terrified but so far I’ve been able to hide behind their 200-lb weight limit. That won’t be my excuse much longer!
    Congrats on the job change, but won’t you miss Priscilla?!? 😉

  19. Leaving a job you know for the unknown is a very brave thing to do.

    Good luck on the new job. I’m sure you’ll do great. And if you don’t like it? Say fuck it and move on.

  20. I promised my daughter I’d jump with her when she turns 16… I’ll be 58… What a stoopid idea! Hoping she chickens out. Thank you for making me laugh. I’m just starting to blog and have NFI why I thought it would be a good idea… except it was on my bucketlist.. and ironically, so too was what I blogged about yesterday ( in an attempt at a sort of photo blog)

    • I’m looking forward to checking out your blog…and blogging can be scary,too..probably not as scary as jumping out of plane..although I can’t really compare. Not yet at least.

  21. WOOHOOO for quitting your job !!! Go you Sister !!!!! That definitely is a great feeling – I don’t stay in jobs for long (normally) – I’ve been here nearly 4 yrs and probably one of the longest jobs I’ve had. It’s not fantastic but I’ve had lots worse so figure for now I’ll just stay because I can’t be arsed to look for anything else.
    K did a sky jump about a month ago – she said that there were two old grannies on the jump with them and she said that she told herself if they could do it – for the second time – she sure as hell could do it once. She said it was amazing. We are waiting for the USB she is going to send us with the photos and movie of it.
    My bucket list – visiting other countries (I’m not too fussed where – just other countries)
    – running a half marathon
    – then running a full marathon
    – getting my hair braided
    – riding a motor bike around a country
    – touring in a luxury RV
    Nothing too scary !!!!
    Have the best day – Me xox

  22. Number 1 – Create a bucket list.
    Number 2 – See number 1.
    It’s always scary starting a new job and the first couple of weeks you’ll probably wonder what the fuck did I do?? But then you hang in there. It will get better! And then you’ll know you did the right thing! 🙂

  23. I highly recommend overcoming your fear of heights because sometimes it leads us to learning how to overcome other fears we weren’t aware even existed in our lives. But the red carpet sounds safer than the skydiving. Just don’t trip on your very high heels or the hem of your gown.

  24. Wow, you took a giant leap without the airplane.
    You should be extremely proud of yourself. If you hate a job, it’s time to leave.
    Life is literally too short.
    My word of the day today (literally because I write a word out and put it in my pocket as my own little day treasure) is ‘Choice’. How fitting after reading your post.
    Part of my bucket list:
    1. (accomplished) – swam with dolphins. I know it’s sad when they’re in captivity, but my selfishness outweighed that. I adored it. They are so powerful and loving. Amazing experience.
    2. (not accomplished) – Travel to South Africa. Visit DSWT in Kenya.
    3. Greece (Where Shirley Valentine went).
    4. Cruise to Alaska
    5. 65th birthday Feb 2015 in Cuba. (born an American, but recently became a Canadian as well. Now I can do it legally) – so……if you became a Canadian….. 😉
    Don’t ever feel guilty for putting something on your Bucket List and then changing your mind. It’s ok.

  25. Two things on my bucket list: To have a following like you do, on a kickass blog like you have, so that one has to scroll for several moments to get through all the comments to leave one. And, of course, from six years ago until the end of time, find an agent and publish my book.

  26. Dear Liza, dear Liza…

    I really like the sounds of your bucket list — except for that whole inSANE jumping out of a perfectly good plane thing. I’d go with you to Cannes, Bora Bora, and the red carpet.

    I’m kinda sad I’ll never know what if feels like to throw a winning touchdown at a Superbowl.

  27. Like other people in this comment thread, I want to get paid for doing something I love; which at the moment sadly consists of wasting a shitload of time Tweeting, shopping and writing blog posts AND making funny memes from our office birthday photos. This is only because I am (depressed?) bitter about the fact that: a) I am STILL working here; b) Jar Jar Bitch is still working here; c) JJB is STILL coming & going as she pleases and d) She is happy in her work and I am not.
    As for the bucket list -I’d LOVE someday to enjoy living in my home WITHOUT a lazy, unmotivated twenty-something kid; I’d like to maybe live in another country for a while or at least be able to afford the liberty of traveling instead of just LOOKING at that free Viking Cruises catalog I get; maybe get a few more tattoos (being able to afford it would help).

  28. Ahhh…. jumping out of a freaking plane? Never gonna happen over here either… but boy am I impressed that you were actually going to do it!!! Damn that takes guts girl. To even ‘tentatively plan’ something that is WAAAAY beyond actually flying on a plane!

    That says a lot about you…

    Either you are an absolute dare devil or you are literally the most severe case of self abuse I have ever seen both in my clinical experience or ‘life’ experience!!! Either way- I think it’s pretty damn bold girl.

    And the job? This time will FLY… and I’m guessing it was the best decision you could ever make for yourself to leave! BIG changes are terrifying- oh yes!! In just a few short weeks, after you get over that cliff of first days and holding your breath in fear of failing and finding fault in your decision- you will land. Not dead like the free falling sky jumping loon- but you will land safely on your feet and on a new freshly paved ground to grow on.

    It’s gonna be a great flight… and landing after all. I just know it. 🙂

    • Thank you. I need to needlepoint this entire comment and hang it on my wall.

      I am getting mildly less anxious about starting my new job..but that is often with bouts of extreme panic that I quit my job. I am convincing myself that I’m not going to fail at the new job. (that is nearly true)

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