I was recently included on a round up of buzzworthy blogs along with the amazing Gretchen Weber Kelly from Drifting Through My Open Mind. Gretchen posted a link of the round up to me on Facebook. It was nice, seeing the article. A conversation ensued that included me telling Gretchen that my ultimate writing goal is to rule the world.
“I would be a benevolent ruler if I ruled the world. But things would get weird.”
Life would get weird, but I challenge anyone to claim that life wouldn’t improve for all of humanity with this change:
The phrase “I don’t make small talk” would be added to the “please” and “thank you” family. Etiquette would dictate that a person, who would rather drink bleach than make small talk, announce “I don’t make small talk” when confronted with small talk.
When we share our experiences with other humans, we are presenting them with a gift. These gifts are precious and should not be squandered on recipients who would not appreciate these gifts.
For instance, Margie in accounting could save her “what I made for dinner” story about spicing things up by mixing Ragu with Prego for someone who would welcome that information. George in marketing would appreciate the knowledge that you have no interest in listening to him describe his fantasy football team in painstaking detail.
Humans, being what they, would sometimes break this rule. When I rule the world, there will be a tax levied on people who continually assault you with banal details of their lives after you clearly told them that you don’t do small talk. The tax money collected would be used to buy books for children and for making graphs that clearly explain how to use the words “they’re”, “their” and “there”.
Any leftover money would be used for public service announcements regarding using the far left lane on the expressway for passing only. If you use the far left lane for tooling along, then cut that shit out. It’s for passing. PASSING. People who don’t follow this rule are the ones who are fucking up the flow of traffic on the interstates.
This simple “no small talk” change would improve our lives in multiple ways. First, we’d all have more money. Why? Because instead of spending time at work listening to Betty talk about every dance recital her child has ever been in, we’d actually be doing our jobs. Our productivity would improve which will positively impact our company’s profits. Everyone knows, when a company’s profits rise, they share the wealth with the people who make it happen. Or, at least they will when I rule the world. Plus, we would reduce general crabbiness by at least 39% and that alone would be the stepping stone we need to finally achieve world peace.
In addition to the “I don’t make small talk” thing, afternoon naps would be an option for all humans. Safe and tranquil pods with snuggly blankets would be available to the public.
I realize there might be some issues to hammer out with these changes, but when I rule the world, I’ll have people who will do that part for me. What good would it be to the the ruler of the world if I don’t get some perks? Like having people to work out the boring details.
What other perks would I get?
A huge marble shower with an obscene number of jets in the walls. And a bathtub the size of a small pool.
A chef who excels at healthy dinners that taste like comfort food on crack and negative calorie cake.
All my pillows would only have cool sides.
A clothes steward who would find out what my style is. Quite honestly, time is running out for this. I’m going to end up in the velour track suit years before I figure that shit out.
Our house will have to me on the side of a mountain or something. No neighbors. But plenty of guest houses. And good cell reception because be reasonable. I’m not giving up my internet habit. Besides, I’ll need twitter so I can keep track of how I’m doing.
I would have a choreographer work out a dance to teach me to this song. Then when I had to attend any event, this song would play and I would enter the room dancing my dance. Jump motherfucker.
I’m going to need a cabinet. You guys should probably throw your hat in now. I mean, the likelihood that I will rule the world is infinitesimal, but it wouldn’t hurt to be prepared. Because you don’t know.
Photo courtesy of Ryan McGuire
I bow to you, my liege. All I would ask is a scrap of bread. A sip of wine. A freakin’ maid. Kitty litter that lives up to it’s hype.
Reasonable requests! Granted! Of course, I’ll have to find a Minister of Kitty Litter.
I’m your Minion!
Your Small Talk Minion.
I HAVE to do it or we’re both stuck with what my brain comes up with if my mouth doesn’t throw it out first.
While it’s still safe and not toxified with brain overthought and detail enhancement.
I TRY to watch for the glazed look… you know, when the eyes don’t quite reach the brain anymore… when the words are just sliding over the top of my captive audience’s hair line and they’re trying to look like they are keeping up, but I know they just went into, “I’ll have to get that load out of the dryer before I start the whites” mode.
When I see that ‘I’m still here. Barely’ look, I know it’s time to wrap up the small talk.
Because I’m respectful like that.
Because I understand that it’s not ALL about me.
But, not til we are in separate rooms.
Or, you have headphones on.
Or your small talk is harder to interrupt than mine.
Now about that whacked up I Fink U Freeky video.
No small talk for me today. Those images fre(e)ked me the fuck out.
*shudder*
And I kept watching….
(Don’t let Randy’s doctor see it…not enough small talk 🙂 )
Good Luck and Healing today!!
Terri Lee? Wanna be a Small Talk Minion with me? I’ll bet we’re good at that, too! (Good luck to you, too, with your repair-guy/washing machine saga 🙂 )
As long as you don’t run down what you made for dinner to the last detail, then I’m good. haha
Sure, I’m up for being a Small Talk Minion. Do I have to learn Minion-ese? I’m not so sure I’d master that language. HAHA! Whatever position Michelle would want me in, I am ready and willing to serve! (That sounds really dirty…but I meant position in her CABINET. Okay, STILL sounds dirty, but she knows what I mean! :D) Speaking of small talk though—I tend to attract people who want to tell me their whole life stories. True story: I was standing in a Walgreens a few years back, looking at face creams and this strange woman walks right up to me, tells me “You have good skin, what do you recommend?” and then proceeds to pull her top up so I can look at her “weird mole” that her dermatologist wants to take off. HAHAHA!!! Holy shit, I don’t wanna see that thing!! I’m just standing there, minding my own business. My husband saw what was going on and cracked up laughing. He always called me “flypaper for freaks”. Must be something about ME that does it! I don’t know! 🙂
Repair guy was really nice and very cute—looked like a repairman you’d see in a commercial. On time, friendly and polite, clean cut, nice, clean uniform—-this particular company has been in business since 1955. Apparently, their repair guys uphold this retro image! Ha! Alas, my 17-year-old machine has agitated its last load, which does depress me a little. I love my washing machine. We KNOW each other and our quirks intimately. I will have my new machine—a Speed Queen—no later than Tuesday. I am hoping my undies will hold out that long so I won’t have to begin hand washing in the sink. (I don’t care for coin laundries. Sticking my things in where everyone and his brother sticks THEIR stuff skeeves me out! I had enough of that communal thing when I lived in an apartment and had to use a laundry room there. Some weird guy from the first floor was caught by my neighbor in our second floor laundry room, holding up a pair of my red lace panties and staring at them! Not making this up! Remember: I’m flypaper for freaks. HAHA!)
Anyway, I’m tired of all this crap that keeps happening. It seems all I do these days is take every hit that comes my way and then hand over more money to fix the damage. Maybe I should buy an Airstream, hook it to my car and take off. Of course, the cats wouldn’t like that. Hey! Can I be the Minister of Kitty Litter? I am so qualified for that position. Maybe even OVER qualified! HAHA!
So…how bendy are you?
Haha.
I so get the attraction of chucking it all and hitting the road.
Damn, not as bendy as I used to be! Haha!
I feel you. I am also more breaky than bendy these days. sigh.
I am flypaper for freaks, as well.
My problem is ‘nice.’
What if nobody else was nice to that person? What if I’m the only one who made that person feel worthwhile today, just by listening?
I was at the doctor’s yesterday and this perfectly normal looking woman sat next to me… and started talking.
Nope, not me. Her 🙂
And since we had just discussed this earlier, I let her talk.
A lot.
And the waitress for my lunch.
She talked.
I’m much easier to talk to when my mouth is full.
Manners and all 🙂
And then I got back to work.
WHOA Bessie!
One of my patrons is a talker. I felt my eyes glaze. I heard, “Uh huh, yeah?” and “Oh, man!” come out of my face and I made my eyes meet hers every few sentences.
For a LONG time 🙂
It was a good thing I had Michelle’s Couch therapy yesterday morning.
Terri Lee? Please tell me you put that cute repair guy in a box in your basement. Or with your cats in your new Airstream’s overhead bunk 🙂
I am all in on the no small talk rule. To say more might qualify as small talk, so I’ll stop there.
Hahaha..I like your small talk. 🙂
“All my pillows would only have cool sides” I’m so happy you are going to make this so!!!
Right? That would solve 25% of my sleep issues
pick me! pick me! I chose my title for world domination a few years ago – I would be “Her Supreme Divineness” – it has a nice ring to it don’t you think? I plan on getting rid of fat 4WD’s and barking dogs as my first order of business – followed by making midlife spread the new in-thing. I am definitely in favour of removing banal conversations. Let me know when you are appointing your inner circle 🙂 ~ HSD Leanne
Hahah..okay! You’re in!
My oldest son would be with you on the cold pillow thing. He had my mom make him a blanket for Christmas, but had to feel all the fabric options first so that he was sure to have a “cold side” to his blanket. That side has to touch him and the other side should be fuzzy so the blanket is both soft and cool.
Very wise. He can be Lord of all Textiles.
I always wanted to have a twin. Not the evil one because I think I would classify as the evil one, so she’d be the regular twin.
Also, a reserved right to get rid of her in case she gets annoying.
And world peace 🙂
Completely reasonable request. When I rule the world, you will have a disposable twin. And world peace.
OMG! Thank you, thank you, thank you. Whenever I am in a group setting and people are blathering on about inane crap, I am in awe. I stand there thinking: I’m totally brain dead. Why can’t I think of something to say to contribute to the conversation? Why don’t I give a shit? Are my eyes really glazed over like they feel? Am I drooling? I usually resort to sarcastic one-liners to cope.
I know I have to be out there in the world sometimes, but why don’t these people know how boriiiinnnnngggggg they really are?
YES! Soooo…if I were to guess, I would guess that you identify as an introvert? Introverts hate small talk…
I’d probably be paying taxes all the time because I have no clue what small talk is. And I hate uncomfortable silences. Actually almost all silence is uncomfortable to me, but I’m also very shy so I find it very hard to initiate conversations with strangers. Small talk can sometimes provide an opening. See that guy on the elevator who’s carrying a Jell-O salad in one hand and a nail gun in the other? Idle chitchat about the weather is my way of saying “I really want to know what your story is but I’m afraid to ask.”
Small talk can also help me avoid embarrassing conversational gaffes. Last night I was having a serious conversation with a woman about what it must be like for performers to get up in front of thousands of people and I said, “Well, in some ways I think it would be easier than talking to you.” And then I had to quickly add that I didn’t mean her personally. I just meant that being a dancing monkey can sometimes be easier than pretending to be intelligent and serious and trying to hold up one end of a thoughtful conversation.
Especially if you’re dancing to THAT song.
I would LOVE that conversation. I am also shy..but if I do talk, I want to have a meaningful conversation (I would HAVE to know about the nail gun and jell-o salad). I just don’t do well with conversations that (to me) have no meaning. I don’t want to talk about the cold weather because I already know it’s cold and trying to think of a way to cleverly talk about cold weather when we all KNOW it’s cold just makes me want to hide.
I get what you are saying…yes…one on one conversations can be difficult. Although, I prefer that to a small group setting. Like at work when we have a luncheon or something and there are 20 people in the room. I just want to sit there and cry because I am so uncomfortable.
I talk so I won’t cry.
Exactly, Christopher! Thank YOU! Small talk is my Xanax for silence. I HATE silence more than I HATE banal conversation.
My voices LOVE silence. They go into overdrive and if nothing comes out of my mouth I have multiple small internal brain combustions.
Some people have reported seeing sparks and smoke when I’m trying to not break the silence.
And you guys thought the duct tape was for biting. Ha. The biting is the side effect from enduring uncomfortable silence! 🙂 … )
I have guilt and shame. I promise.
And you saw what happened on the previous post! Triple Lisa K !! I can TRY to be quiet and Wham.
Even online.
The duct tape is so I have witness to my behaviour shaping 🙂
Only Librium helps me go through silence willingly.
Thanks! Life Coach Michelle 🙂 For letting me practice at being social-ly acceptable with fellow small talkers on your safe ‘Life Couch.’
🙂
(You were couching, right?)
There are times I can chat away with strangers and other times where I’m just too anxious to engage in any small talk at all. It depends on how I’m feeling at a particular moment (or at a particular event). But, I am NOT afraid to make “remarks”. Like the jello salad/nail gun situation. I’d smile and say to him, “Jello salad and a nail gun? Can I get an invitation to that party?” There are times when I can make the perfect remark at just the right time and suddenly, an entire group of people are laughing and chatting away with me and each other. Sometimes, all it takes is a brave one to break the ice. Call me a human ice pick. HAHA!
Right, Terri Lee 🙂 The one time I make that perfect remark keeps me going for the next ten dumb things that happen!!
No way I am throwing my hat in the ring because you will rock the position.
I am with you on ALL the things.
Hahaha…thank you. 🙂
I’m behind the small talk tax all the way. Just the other day our IT guy showed me an annotated diagram of his clogged arteries, for god’s sake. That should be worth at least twenty bucks handed over to a charitable organization.
what the fucking fuck? I would have run out screaming. Or at least fantasized about it.
I’m somewhat conflicted. Not about your world domination, that’s gonna be a fine day indeed.
While I’m annoyed by pointless chatter sometimes, I also value politeness and often engage cashiers, clerks, or toll-takers in brief exchanges of conversation, mostly because I have dealt with the public before, and remember that one interesting exchange can make your whole day better in those situations.
When you assume power, please consider rabid-weasel therapy for Craigslist apartment listing scammers.
I guess there is a distinction between pleasantries and small talk. I agree, being polite and acknowledging other humans, especially in the service industry, is a good thing. I’m talking more like day to day with people you see all day long who insist on telling you every minute detail of their lives. Or strangers you are forced to spend a lot of time with. I am all for polite…but then please stop talking to me. Unless you have something interesting or weird or informative to say.
Whew.
Now I feel better, again.
🙂
“I also value politeness and often engage cashiers, clerks, or toll-takers in brief exchanges of conversation, mostly because I have dealt with the public before, and remember that one interesting exchange can make your whole day better in those situations (Comment by Doug in Oakland).”
That’s what I THINK I’m doing!
I would definitely vote for you! Sounds better than any of the shit we’re hearing from the real candidates!
I knew I could count on you!
Love this, and am voting for you in November.
Hahah..thank you!!!!
I think there’s should be extra fines levied on anyone who feels compelled to share their colonoscopy prep story. Hearing about someone’s projectile pooping is just not my cup of tea, even on a good day.
Ohhhh…And I love a good colonoscopy story. HAHAH. Okay, not really. But I would tell you about mine if you wanted.
I absolutely totally will vote for you. As long as you enforce the I Don’t Do Small Talk stuff. I have wished I had that on a t-shirt, or that I could plaster it right under my name on one of those stupid name tags they make you wear at functions where no one knows you (and you’d actually prefer to keep it that way). “Hi I’m _____ I don’t do small talk.” That would be so cool! Only thing better would be “Go Away!”
Right there with you. It’s not that I hate people. I mean, I dislike a lot of the things we do, but I love people. I just don’t so much want to be around most of them. Ever.
I’d definitely vote for you !!! I was going to say that I would help to rule the colony down under but given my hatred of having to talk to anyone (in person or on the phone) it probably wouldn’t be the smartest move you made to put me in charge.
I LOVE Onlyme’s suggestion for name tags with Go Away under my name – one of the BEST ideas EVER !!!!
All sides of a pillow cool and afternoon naps are my next favourite ideas of yours.
The more I think about it, the more I see merit in your idea – now to work on MAKING IT HAPPEN !!!!
Take care xox
Well, you can rule, but we’ll get you an assistant to do all the talking. xo
This would be complicated and may also reek of segregationism, but I think that there should be separate spaces for people who don’t want to do small talk, and those who don’t like silence and/or actually enjoy small talk. People could be taxed for hanging out in the wrong space. I love the nap idea. If you don’t want to actually sleep you should be able to have some alone time to do whatever helps you recharge. And we should all have free access to sensory deprivation tanks. Good quality Belgian chocolate should be as prevalent as bottled water, and fast food restaurants would serve inexpensive, healthy meals. How soon can you make this happen?
or people who don’t do small talk and also don’t like silence.
We might be waiting a while for this. I’m not sure how to get nominated. Or really, just appointed. I don’t want to campaign or anything.
I’d love to be part of your cabinet! Please appoint me your Secretary of Side-Eye. Or you could name me an Ombudsman. Because that would be a kick-ass word to have on a business card.
I’m already planning your business cards. They’re going to be scratch n sniff.
Ha ha ha, I’ve often said I’d like to be a benevolent dictator of the planet.
My list is not dissimilar but I’d add the ‘I’m not interested in sport, soap operas, reality TV, (insert whatever subject), and people would then be expected to accept that and not try and tell you about it anyway.
Simon Cowell would be made illegal and deported to Mars, or Pluto, ditto anyone who doesn’t think that a fairer society is a good plan.
Everyone would be given enough money to survive on and then everything they choose to earn on top of that would be taxed at a flat rate, with no get out clause for rich people or companies.
The working week would be reduced to 3 days so that people can spend more time living life, enjoying the company of people they love and doing more creative things.
However if there’s a position on the cabinet I’d be more than happy to consider Minister for Bourbon, Wine and International Food tasting, Inspector General of all tropical beaches, Minister for Live Music and films starring Johnny Depp.
I’m ready to turn it over to you because you have some great ideas. As long as I can still wear a tiara.
Will there be crock pots? Please say there will be crock pots. I promise to be quiet and not interrupt your nap as long as dinner can be cooked in one pot and I don’t have to be there when it’s cooking it. I’ve become quite lazy in my now 52 years and have no desire to go the extra mile…except for a nap…or free wine…or a puppy. o.O
Crockpots for everyone!!!!
Since you’re going to need a cabinet – I thought I’d offer…I have a nice maple cabinet that you could have – it’s quiet, sturdy, and basically does what it is told. Plus, it has a hard time moving on its own – so you wouldn’t have to worry about replacing it with a sideboard or something – because we all know sideboards are just trouble waiting to happen! 🙂
You are now in charge of all cabinets! But not sideboards.