I guess there was some sort of sporting event last Sunday.
I was going to say that in 21 years, Randy and I have never watched a sporting event on TV, but that would be a lie. We’ve watched some of the Olympics, even though Randy bitched about it. And then Randy watches those stupid UFC® fights. I fucking hate that shit. I don’t want to watch people beat the shit out of each other. We did used to watch Battle Bots, but I don’t know if that counts as a sport.
But I digress.
We watch Netflix® or Amazon® streaming. I haven’t watched commercials in years. So, I miss out on all the Super Bowl® commercials.
I understand this year, there was some disturbing pug monkey baby on one of the commercials. I haven’t seen the commercial, but I did see a picture of it and that is some fucked up shit, you guys.
It also reminded me about the time a monkey wanted to steal my baby.
When my baby boy was still a baby, my mother and I took him to the zoo for an afternoon.
Joey was just starting to walk and he wanted nothing more but to run around, which worked for me, because the harder they run, the harder they sleep. By the time we got to the Bonobo habitat, had worn himself out and wanted to be held.
I cradled my beautiful boy with his blond curls against my chest. My mother and I chatted as we walked down a bamboo and tree lined path. I looked up and noticed a bonobo staring at us. As we drew closer, the bonobo climbed the largest tree in the middle of it’s habitat and climbed as far out as it could on a branch, leaned forward, and pointed at Joey. I looked at my mother “I think that monkey wants my baby.”
Mom shaded her eyes and said “I don’t think they’re monkeys. I think they’re part of the chimpanzee family.”
The bonobo gave me a “come here” gesture.
I could feel her impatience. I’m pretty sure she was a momma bonobo. If we could have spoken to each other, I think it would have gone like this:
Bonobo: Hey! You. Give me that baby.
Me: No, monkey. This is my baby. You can’t have my baby.
Bonobo: Seriously, stop fooling around and give me the baby.
Me: No monkey. Get your own baby.
Bonobo: I am not fucking around with you. Hand the baby over. Now.
Me: No monkey. You freak. You can’t just go around demanding people’s babies.
Bonobo: I’m not a monkey, I’m a bonobo.
Me: Well, you still can’t have my baby.
Mom and I didn’t hang around, because frankly, the bonobo momma freaked us out. We scooted away, both looking over shoulders and waiting to feel hot bonobo breath on the backs of our necks.
Hot Bonobo Breath would make a good band name.
Me: Mom, remember when Joey was born?
Mom: Yes.
Me: His back was really furry.
Mom: No, Shell. Don’t say it.
Me: Do you know how he walks when his feet are bare? He curls his toes under and walks on his toe knuckles.
Mom: Don’t say it.
Me: I think Joey is part monkey.
Mom: Well, he doesn’t get that from our side of the family.
Me: I’m going to walk back there and see if she does it again.
Mom: I’m sure there is no way she can escape and rip us to pieces and take Joey.
Me: It’s the zoo, mom. They know what they’re doing.
The bonobo momma freaked out again. As soon as we walked back, she screeched a little and then flew back up to the tree and down a branch.
We decided to visit the giraffes. I mean, I didn’t want to risk it. Plus we didn’t have a video camera. You don’t want to have your baby stolen by a bonobo and not get it on video.
Many years have passed since the bonobo momma pined for Joey. He is grown and months away from graduation. I no longer think he’s part monkey even though he’s furry from head to toe. I think it’s more likely there is bigfoot in his lineage. And that definitely could have come from my side of the family.
He walked on his toe knuckles for years. It was goddamn freaky. He would run, on a hardwood floor, on his toe knuckles. It still hurts my toe knuckles just thinking about it.
I’m curious. Have you ever had a strange animal encounter at the zoo?
Photo courtesy of © Hans Hillewaert / CC-BY-SA-4.0
OK, so, when my first son was just a few months old, my Mother in Law and I went to the a horse show in Albuquerque. This particular son had black hair and lots of it (Yes, I had HORRIBLE heartburn! It’s a true thing y’all 🙂 ) and we were walking, and Dustin was sleeping with his tiny little furry head sticking out of his warm-up hoodie and some (probably really nice) guy pointed and said, “Oh, look! A monkey!”
And I thought my Mother in Law was going to give him a loboto-optical-ectomy.
It was a great horse show, tho!
Terri Lee? No sleeping in today!!
*holds out hot coffee and arm warmers*
Two of my kids were blondies, but my 3 brunettes we’re the hairiest little things I ever saw!! Definitely big-foot descendants!! And definitely the maternal link. If chin hair is a factor…
Hahaha..people are weird. My baby boy had blond curls that turned dark brown by the time he was 5. His afro smoothed out and now he just has loopy curls. He keeps his hair cut pretty short now…I miss the curls.
We were at what I am assuming is the exact same zoo as you with my husband and kids. There was this great big gorilla and my daughter kept saying that my husband looked like the gorilla (I prefer to think he looks more like the jackass but whatever). Anyway, my husband started having this stare down going with this great big huge big daddy gorilla. Whatever husband did, gorilla did and my daughter would squeal, “see daddy he looks just like you!” Back and forth they mimicked each other until my husband being the adolescent he is flipped the gorilla the finger and the gorilla gave it right back it was hilarious!
HAHAHAHAHHA…That is awesome! And yes, I suspect it was the same zoo. I was just there for the first time in years a few months ago. It’s a great zoo.
I totally think I’m part monkey! And ever time I go to the zoo everyone I go with leaves me with the primates cuz I spend hours in there! Hahaha! Maybe my mom stole me from a bonobo…….
Hahahah…
It’s so nice to see you!!
Haha thanks! I’ve been around but busy. I read them all but usually throughout the day…. Monkeys are too close to my heart so I felt the need to let you know that I very well might be one…
I suspected we might be related. haha.
It’s nice to know that someone else has these conversations besides me, although I use my inside voice, the one inside my head. Keep cracking me up. I’ll just have to remember to not be drinking my coffee when I do. I about shot it out my nose- twice.
Yeah, be careful…that shit is painful. Haha
Hahaha! You were lucky, M. Don’t think you’ll ever win a baby tug-of-war with a primate. My son also had lovely golden curls – he was mistaken for a girl once, and he didn’t recognize himself in old photos – but now, a very hairy 22yo, he’s got really dark brown, thick coarse long hair with a few crazy waves. Don’t forget the beard. At least he keeps that short, but only cuz he knows I’ll attack it with scissors if he grows it longer than 1cm. (Just be happy you didn’t come across a dingo that day.) Why are my toe knuckles cramping up? Ouch!
Yeah, my baby boy has been growing facial hair as well. It’s weird.
Giggling right through this. So, you went to see the giraffes cause Joey has absolutely no giraffe lineage?
Thanks for the laughs this morning, Michelle!
Pretty sure there is no giraffe in our past. haha.
My wife and I once watched a little girl run up and down outside the cheetah enclosure at the zoo. The funny part was watching the cheetah get all excited and chase her. I’m pretty sure that three inch plexiglass wall was more than enough protection but still…
Also I got my wife hooked on baseball because I would watch games and she started watching them with me. The same, so far, has not happened with billiards.
Yes, I am a big billiards fan and love watching matches. Don’t laugh. I love it that the players are so nice to each other. Sometimes one will make a mistake and say, “I really screwed that up” and the other will say, “Yeah, it happens to all of us.”
Name another sport where that ever happens.
And yes it is a sport. If it’s shown on ESPN it must be a sport.
Well…I might be laughing A LITTLE. haha.
I have nothing. But I’m really glad your toe-knuckles-walking baby turned out fine 🙂
And I had to google bonobo…and I’m at work and I just hope they’re not monitoring my computer because then i’m apparently reading rubbershoesinhell and googling bonobos.
HAHAHAHA…yeah, those search terms, taken out of context, would appear fairly odd.
I am so glad that sporting event is over, as it was held in Santa Clara, just a few miles from here, and Craigslist has been inundated with “Superbowl weekend rentals” which I have been sifting through in my quest to get us the fuck out of here…
Bonobos are cool. I have heard people call them “hippie chimps”… But I wouldn’t give them a baby. Well, probably not. Even considering the story about the field workers in India who used a monkey as a babysitter. It would just be too embarrassing if something went wrong.
Hippy chimps? That’s the best thing I’ve heard all day! Yeah, and a monkey babysitter just sounds like trouble.
Very strange incident. It makes me wonder what animals see that we don’t. Maybe she was just saying hi from one mother to another? That’s at least what I hope.
It was pretty creepy.
Toe Knuckles is a pretty good band name too!
Hahaha…that can be the opening act.
Good Morning Pamela!! :):)
You a singer or a player??
Rage-M’s gonna have a whole YouTube upload for her next sponsored post!!
‘Toe Knuckles’ screams leather fringe and ZZ hair 🙂
Terri Lee? Do you have a bra with fur instead of tassels?? Maybe like a coconut shell?
I have a picture of a gorilla giving me the finger. I think he’d had enough photos for the day.
hahahaha…that is awesome!
All I can think about is the book Ape House. Fascinating novel about Bonobos written by Sara Gruen who wrote Water for Elephants. They are extremely smart, and she got to communicate with them in a language lab if I remember right. Awesome novel!
I have not read that one, but I really liked Water For Elephants.