Seriously, y’all, this is a “ground floor” situation. You are not going to want to miss this opportunity.
I thought of a product line tonight which I think could be huge.
Here’s the demographic:
Imagine you been living through a particularly long, gut wrenching bout of depression. By particularly long, I mean for the most part of a year.
Then, as it often happens with depression, the veil starts to lift. Anxiety is resting and then you find yourself free.
You feel light.
You feel a buzz in your brain that doesn’t burn and sting and itch. The feeling in your brain is soft and fluffy like clouds or a hedgehog in a coffee mug.
Life holds promise again.
Then you look around your house. For all that is holy, what a fucking mess.
We need a line of cleaning products for the recently depressed.
We can call the line Untarnished Woe.
This is going to have to be some industrial strength shit, you guys. I’m thinking we need to find out what cleaning products are preferred by 4 out of 5 prison janitors and then just slap some sappy labels on them.
For instance, you need to clean that shower stall that isn’t completely disgusting. At least you think it’s not too far gone, and then you pick up the empty shampoo bottles that have been shoved in the corner for a while.
Fine, since early summer. Maybe earlier. I don’t know. I was depressed.
What is the best cleaner to get those corners clean? Is there something specifically formulated to get rid of that “science fair goo” brown stain that was hiding under the shampoo bottles? Seriously, I’m kind of afraid that if I add the wrong combination of chemicals that I will unleash an ancient shower stall demon in blob form. Then, the demon rolls through Ohio, consuming all in it’s path while smelling vaguely of citrus and sandalwood. I mean, I would be afraid about that if my shower were that disgusting. Which it totally is not.
I’m seeing a lavender colored spray bottle with a bit of twine tied around the neck. There is a meadow scene below the Untarnished Woe logo and the product is called Crux Be Gone. That’s going to have to be some serious shit. We should probably have a warning label about proper ventilation and possibly the wisdom in wearing safety goggles.
The air freshener will smell of roses and puppy breath. It will remind you of safe places and times when you actually felt carefree. This should be used sparingly because a little puppy breath goes a long way. We will call the air freshener Purging Sorrow. The picture should probably be a waterfall with really dark blue water. Like that weird blue toilet water at your great aunt’s house.
The floor cleaner is going to have to really pull it’s weight. I am quite old, so this might not have been the preferred method of puke removal when you were in school, but when I was in school, whenever a kid puked, the janitor would cover it in this weird day-glo orange kitty litter looking shit. I’m thinking we need something like that for our floor cleaner because damn. Fresh Scent Scourge? That name works, doesn’t it?
Remember the Tidy Bowl man, the guy who floats around your toilet in a little boat? I think we need actual little tiny humans in boats to clean the toilets. You know, not a dapper looking dude like the Tidy Bowl man, but some hard ass looking biker dudes with scrub brushes and abrasive cleaners in their holsters. Their boat will be a teeny tiny little barge.
The toilet bowl thing might be difficult. In fact, just strike the tiny little biker dudes with scrub brushes. That’s just silly. I mean, you can’t just store tiny people under your bathroom sink.
Instead, we can wrap up individual sticks of dynamite in sparkly pink paper and call them “Down in the Dumps” toilet blasts. I am confident that will forever solve the toilet ring issue for that particular toilet.
So, what do you think? Who is with me? I came up with the idea, so y’all can do the rest. Just send me a check when it starts making money.
Also, what is the best cleaner for shower stalls?
I’ve found the best cleaner for the shower is my husband. He is much more particular than I am and really digs into those grimy corners. I don’t know what he uses in the spray bottle. I’m afraid if I ask he’ll perceive my interest as willingness to participate in this disgusting household task. I’m totally digging the ‘down in the dumps’ toilet cleaner though, since I clean the toilets. Biker dudes on a barge. Yes!
Can I borrow your husband for my showers?
Errr…that sounded weird. You know what I mean.
Hard water deposits in the toilet bowl…those respond poorly to infrequent cleaning. Hard to feel good about yourself when the potty looks like the Apocalypse.
Yeah, an embarrassing toilet is never good. I have two of them.
you don’t need to be coming out of a depression to find housework a miserable business (enough to send you down that dark pathway again!) By sheer serendipity I have managed to foist most of the chores onto my OCD husband and I just make sure that I compliment his efforts regularly. I just wish I could find the magic wand to wash my car and have it stay clean!
Poor Randy has had to do most of the housework for months because I was struggling…he never complains though, never. I appreciate him so much. Except for when he’s annoying.
If I buy the whole set, does it come with a glitter-covered forklift to move the mountain of laundry that may or may not be threatening to bury us alive?
I think that would be an add on. But a very good idea!
This needs to exist. How does it not exist already? I also need the one that can wipe up a year of dust on all the furniture. If it can do it without me actually having to DUST all of the furniture, all the better.
See? This is the collaboration I’m talking about!
The Works for the toilet, from cleaning to the drop in. Here in Az we have the hardiest water I have ever seen (or felt). I think maybe they leave too much of the sand in it, but whatever. The works is the cheapest stuff on the market and even works on the bathroom shared by 3 boys, ages 10,15 and 61 LOL
ooohhh…good to know! thanks for the tip!
Hardiest? Geez TGIF apparently my fingers aren’t working LOL
HAHAH…I didn’t even notice. Too busy worrying about my own mistakes.
This is why you couldn’t sleep! You were saving the world!
I mean … a select few who come out of the funk hoping to restore order, or at least appear unfazed by shampoo bottle ring.
Pretty much, if you come to my house, we’ll have to stay outside. I have dish soap ring, and dust and my Roomba hates her docking station.
Says it’s depressing…you know how those uppity Roomba’s get.
I love the ‘Down in the Dumps’ toilet blasts! I’d rather clean cat puke than under the rim! Both require a vodka chaser, so I also like the ‘Purging Sorrow’ air freshener idea, although, nothing dulls the senses like a good shot of vodka, so I’ll probably have to go in ‘two-fisted.’
See what happens when we can’t sleep?
We really could save the world. Or at least invent a laundry Roomba front end loader that is really a scent-focused laundry hamper that knows when to offload at the washer.
Hope you get some sleep…
This is awesome! And I don’t worry as much as I used to about people seeing the state of my house. It’s my goddamn house. If they don’t like it, they can go to someone else’s house. haha.
I genuinely think there should be a charity that pays for depressed people to have a cleaner come in once a week. And they can use whatever products they like.
“I’m kind of afraid that if I add the wrong combination of chemicals that I will unleash an ancient shower stall demon in blob form.”
As long as you don’t mix bleach with any other cleaning product, you’re probably good to go. 🙂
That’s a brilliant idea..the charity idea. Awesome!
If the veil of depression has lifted it means my antidepressant has kicked back in and I don’t care if my house is dirty 🙂 I’ll be out having fun in the sunshine and a cleaning company will be doing all the work.
I would LOVE the cleaning company option!
ok, this is funny, but hits a little close to home. You also need to come up with something to deal with ALL those containers in the back of the fridge.
I am thinking of donating mine to science.
Oh god…yeah. The hollandaise sauce. It’s still there.
I totally forgot about the science project fridge… good vodka.
good vodka comes in handy in so many situations.
Hey! Great idea! Does vodka remove crappy stuff in the bathtub and on the shower walls? There has to be some industrial strength something, including vodka, that can take off a year’s—I mean a MONTH’S—worth of mildew buildup in the grout! Ha! I love to read articles promising “easy” clean up hacks. As soon as they mention, “To clean blinds, put a sock on your hand”, I’m done reading. Easy to me means someone else is doing it! Haha!
I cleaned all my mini blinds. Well…okay, I DIDN’T..but I did fix the problem. I threw them all out. I fucking HATE mini blinds.
I tell my husband that moldy cheese is fine to eat; just scrape off the mold. But really I throw it away when he’s not looking. And the last time the kitchen stove was cleaned he took off the whole top (it wasn’t supposed to come off) and put it on the ground and scrubbed it. It needs it again, though. I hear that if you don’t cook at all, an oven makes a good bookshelf. Just sayin’.
Hahhaha…I DO cook. I’ve recently (past 5 years) discovered the joys of baking. I’m getting pretty good at it.
It would be great if you could come up with something !anything ! to make the shit not come back again when you turn your back
a disappearing kind of thing never to return HELL !!! You could be rich
I’d be able to buy my own island.
I don’t care how light I feel I ain’t scrubbing the damn bathroom. That is why I got married!
Yeah, I don’t do laundry anymore
Yes! And then just add your fortune cookies to the cleaning supplies, because those go well together, and then a guide on knitting, because you got that covered, and it’s like a messed up holiday gift basket that nobody would understand but learn to appreciate. Eventually.
Oh man…that would have been the perfect gift!
I used to not mind cleaning. I even liked it in the end because I thought “Yeah, everything is clean and I can find stuff in my apartment!” Unfortunately, part of my job at work is cleaning up, so now I hate it. Which is a bit depressing.
The only way you make me want to enjoy cleaning is that someone else does it and I could take the credit.
That is my method for making baby quilts. My mom makes them (I do a little embroidery) and then pass them off as if I had made them. Mom is cool with our arrangement.
My older brother was a biker, so I had a lot of interaction with them when I was younger. Although your mileage may vary, I found pissed off bikers to generally not be much fun, so I can’t imagine pissed on bikers to be much better…
so…all around bad choice for toilet cleaner.
Funny that I should happen upon this only moments after cleaning my bathroom. That smug satisfaction only lasted until I looked up and saw the furry vent cover. Well, it almost matches the dust-critter trap a.k.a. the electric baseboard heater. But fuck that toilet’s clean!! Cris had a brilliant idea: the glittery forklift. Imagine the beauty! Now I’ve got the urge to bedazzle a pallet jack. I think you should put together a business plan, M.
But a business plan sounds hard and boring. We should get someone else to do it.
Utterly brilliant, this would shift millions on QVC
🙂
White vinegar will shift pretty much anything btw, 50/50 mix with water should be sufficient for a shower stall or the toilet. Wet some toilet paper with it stick it to the rim of the bowl and leave it for a while, overnight if possible, that should sort it
I would TOTALLY do that…except Randy is completely nauseated by the smell of vinegar, he can’t handle it at ALL. He’d shit if I started cleaning with vinegar.
This would be such a great idea! I really hate cleaning when I am feeling depressed. The family can definitely tell though not a single one of them will go through the containers in the back of the fridge either LOL. Not sure I could find it in me to put my hand against the rim of the bowl, even if there was a paper towel between it and me. Total ick. Has anyone tried the magic eraser trick?
The magic eraser is the shit.
Another idea — Spray yourself with vinegar for those few and rare moments Randy is annoying. Then he’ll go outside or wherever you aren’t or maybe into the bathroom, where he can clean……. Hey, this is genius at work here!
ABSOLUTE GENIUS!!! I mean, I don’t think Randy will be fond of it, but it can’t always be about Randy, can it? HAHAHAHA
I’m totally in. Where do I sign up? 🙂
Yay! We’re going to be rich.
Oh my gosh, you must have been at my house.
I just tried to scrub our shower out the other day, so. I can say with certainty that my favorite hardcore ohmygoshhowlonghasitbeen cleaner is CLR, which stands for “Calcium, Lime, Rust” remover. Which it does. But damn . I used a whole bottle and I STILL wasn’t happy with the shower…
Toilets? My solution? New toilet. Just…no.
I must be feeling a tad better today because I actually found myself scrubbing the gunk out of the floor crack under the kitchen cabinets with a scrub brush earlier.
Not sure where this was going, because it’s late, but yeah, good timing!
Sign me up. Xoxo
I am getting there. Still slow going, but getting there. I will look for CLR, thanks! 🙂
Iron out for the toilet. A cup in the tank, a cup in the bowl. Let it sit over night and flush it away in the morning. Only negative is having to go to the downstairs bathroom in the middle of the night. My answer to housecleaning–just say NO!
Ohhhh…I am gonna try that. Thank you!
OK – my only two cleaning tips: Rubbing alcohol makes your bathroom chrome shine like a mirror. And baking soda and vinegar will clean the black scum on bathtub/shower floors. Sprinkle baking soda, pour vinegar over it and go away for 20 minutes. Come back, minor scrubbing – clean floor. BTW – you can buy cheap “cleaning vinegar” too.
And about your depression – have you tried Brintellix? It has made an AMAZING difference for me.
I had a really bad experience with anti-depressants about 10 years ago and I’m very skittish when it comes to taking them. I have considered trying something new and then I remember how long it took me to get over the serotonin withdrawal and the decide not to. I’ve never heard of Brintellix before, I’ll have to google it
Thanks for the cleaning tips!
For the shower corners and under the shampoo bottles, I use a concoction of cleaning vinegar, cleaning baking soda, dishwashing liquid soap and a touch of bleach. Spray in corners for a bit and then get in there with a scrubber business side of a hardy sponge. It is either comes clean or you need to get the hell out and get air what ever comes first. A pretty bottle would be great!
I can’t use vinegar because Randy is a wussy and can’t stand the smell.
I have two orange toilet bowls, so wondering if I’m depressed. Love the marketing idea, especially if it’s delivered to your door. You know, so I don’t actually have to put clothes on and go out.
Delivery service is a must.
“Also, what is the best cleaner for shower stalls?”
=> same as for everything: FIRE. No need to thank me 😉
No sweet smelling fluoro-orange-puke-begone in my childhood… I’m so old that they used sawdust… Just plain old sawdust to soak up the chunder … No smell masking qualities k
Chunder. That is not a word we use. I am going to though…so much softer sounding than puke.
Fire does cure everything.
What we really need is a bathroom that is completely self-sealing so it can be subjected to a deluge of water and toxic chemicals–I’m saying flood the motherfucker–and then have it all whisked away through a hole in the floor. That way every time you enter the bathroom it’s pristine and sparkling. And this process should be activated by a single big button.
I know the cleaning products would be cheaper but think of the therapeutic value. When you’re too depressed to clean you just hit a big button. When you’ve come out of a funk celebrate by pressing that big button. And when you’re feeling angry really punch that big button.
The physical act of purging can act as a mental act of purging too.
That is simply brilliant. I’m in. I want the flushing bathroom.