In my last blog post I said we have never visited our mountain friends, even once, when the subject of us getting eaten hasn’t been discussed. That is actually completely true. We’ve been friends five years and cannibalism has always been on the table.
Let me explain.
We became friends due to a misunderstanding.
One of Randy’s clients recommended Randy’s services to Mountain Girl, but totally misrepresented what Randy does for a living. Not on purpose or anything. It was an innocent miscommunication. Randy and Mountain Girl talked on the phone for an hour before working out that Randy is not a music publisher. By then, though, they were intrigued enough to talk a little more and Randy ended up doing some work for her.
So, Randy and Mountain girl had known each other for maybe a year before I met her. Until then, she was just another one of Randy’s clients that I would feign interest in. Who is she again? Oh yeah, the one in the Smokey Mountains.
Around five years ago, we drove down to the mountains so Randy could take pictures of Mountain Girl and her band, The Madisons. We were also going to see them play live at a campground. We actually stayed at the campground that first visit. I was not a fan.
Mountain Girl and I kind of clicked that first visit, but it was mostly about the show and rehearsal. Not a lot of “getting to know you time.”
We were invited back for a weekend visit and returned a few months later. This visit was nothing but free time.
I had to take a xanax before we got to their house. We were going to be spending a lot of time with other people, sleeping on their things, using their bathroom, and talking. I prefer doing all those things in my house. In fact, it wasn’t until the last two years that I didn’t have to medicate myself before visiting. In their defense, I do the same thing before visiting extended family, going to events, going to parties, and getting my hair cut. The fact I stopped just means they are some of the rare people I trust completely. Even though I think they might eat me one day.
We arrived and were greeted warmly, between that and the xanax, I didn’t feel too terribly anxious.
Mountain Girl and I were in the kitchen putting beer in the fridge when this conversation took place:
Mountain Girl: You know, we are in the middle of nowhere here. We could ax murder you guys and no one would ever hear it.
Me: I…we..have been here for literally five minutes and you’ve already talked about killing me. I’m going to need alcohol for this.
Translation: Holy shit that is awesomely funny. Please be my best friend until I die.
The next morning, we sat outside drinking coffee.
Me: I’m feeling better about this visit. I mean, we lived through the night.
Mountain Girl: Yeah, we discussed it and decided we want to kind of take our time with this as we will probably be eating you after the ax murdering.
Me: You know we barely know each other, right? You’ve threatened to kill me and eat me in less than 24 hours now.
Translation: Seriously, I love you.
We have since named part of their land “Murder Ridge” which is where we will be killed. There was much discussion over how we will be transported. They settled on dragging us around on blue tarps. They had some abandoned appliances on their land and I convinced them that we should paint them. We call that project “Blue Tarp Art”.
Mountain girl goes back and forth on what kind of rub she is going to use on us. It seems that Randy will be spicy and I will be sweet and savory.
Last year though, I put a kink in their plan.
I informed them that they will not be killing us, that quite the opposite will happen. And after Randy and I do away with them, we will not be eating them. We’re going to have them stuffed and turned into animatronic puppets.
Mountain girl will be wearing scuba gear and will be doing the Thriller dance for all of time. The Bass Player will be in lederhosen and will being doing a river dance alongside Mountain Girl. We might even sell tickets.
Anyway, that is why I said that every time we visit our mountain friends, we discuss Randy and I being eaten.
What?
That’s what all friends do, right?
Well that was unexpected. Glad they didn’t eat you.
Haha..yeah, we go there 3 or 4 times a year. So far, so good.
I love this. so. hard.
you have no idea how much hope this gave me.
Hahaha…I have to ask, what kind of hope? That we’ll be eaten? That you will one day be able to buy tickets to see stuffed human puppets? Or just kind of glad that there are adults out there who act like fools?
They ARE your people…
YOU are THEIR people…
Nuts. If ANY of you go missing…
This post is my favorite, now…
YAY for favorites!
I had to read this after just reading the title. Sounds like great friends.
They really are! Thank you!
Don’t they ever visit you at your place? Think of all the new places you could hide the bodies. And down in civilization, nobody would think twice about it. Of course, there is that whole “Deliverance” sub-text of being in the Mountains.
We always go there because their place is waaaaaaaaaaaaay better than ours. haha.
Um. I’m trying to decide if I’m amused or horrified. Before my internet connection breaks while I’m drumming my fingers, I’ll just declare “Both!” Thanks for the slice of life that I rarely see anywhere but on your blog…and in films such as “Winter’s Bone.”
HAHAHHA! That is awesome!
Well,That’s different! The blue tarps I get for dragging of course.
Haha!
I love the fast connection part of this. More than once, I’ve become instant friends with someone and they tend to be the ones that last, especially if they drop the F-bomb in the first conversation. Then we’re good forever.
At any rate, I”m glad you’re still with us!
We really did connect super fast and that connection just keeps getting deeper…other than the whole “sooner or later we’re going to eat you” thing..but you know, it just adds excitement to the relationship. haha
Soylent Green is people! Also, that’s the best taxidermy idea I’ve ever heard. You guys must be really cautious when it comes to getting drunk around each other–does Randy spot you?
No..I think we all just sit around and marinate.
Yeah…you’d be tasty too.
No doubt!
I am sure you would be delicious. However, if you are eaten there will be no more Rubber Shoes in Hell blogs and that would make me sad!
Haha..I think we’re safe. They’re all talk and no ax murder.
I am glad no one has been eaten nor stuffed in dancing poses!
We threaten death with our friends but nothing specific. That requires too much planning.
Hahahha…I don’t think they have any real planning. All threats, no cannibalism.
Do you remember the Police song “Friends” ? I think it was the “B” side to “Don’t Stand So Close to Me.”
–
I likes to eat my friends
And make no bones about it
I likes to eat my friends
I couldn’t do without it
Ain’t a man or poet, friend
I know just how you’ll taste
Your limbs go sliding down my throat
And never go to waste
Your death of course, will sadden me
Until I grok your essence
I know your life was not in vain
When digestion is commencing
Consider this a celebration
And the deepest pact of friends
And I hope that you will dine on me
When I come to an end
Even friends may come to you
With a new found revelation
But think of it as life renewed
And not their termination
“To know you is to eat you,”
Should be the code of lovers
Death brings the highest act of love
Preserved for one another
People say that what you are
Is only what you eat
And my friends become a part of me
Oh it’s then that life’s complete
To know you is to eat you
The act of love supreme
Each one of us inside himself
Can appetise the dream
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lTQfwLftHF8
Oh holy hell…it’s our new theme song. HAHAHAHHA
I think I’m way too wimpy, Michelle. Mountain Girl would scare me!
That is so funny because she is really not even close to being scary! She’s just funny.
Yeah, I wouldn’t eat my friends… I know where they’ve been.
But you’re right, real friends do have to have these conversations. I also recommend covering such important issues as “when I’m single again, which of you will I date/marry/hook up with?” and secret signals for implausible kidnapping/coercion scenarios. You know, the kind of stuff you don’t want to leave until the last minute, but can totally talk about after a bottle of wine and a Lifetime Original movie.
Hahahah…We do need the secret signals. Everyone needs those. At my old job, my friend and I knew if the other messaged with the word “pineapple” then it was time to run out of the building.
This is the kind of friendship I want to have, one day.
It really is awesome.
Enjoyed your post! It’s so great to find someone who “gets” you. Thanks for making me smile tonight!
Kim
I am so glad you liked it!
Even though Mountain Girl and the Bass Player are damn fine people, wonderful performers, and great hosts, I’m guessing they don’t threaten to kill and eat just anyone.
Clearly she knew there was something special about you.
Pretty sure we are special. And probably look super tasty.
Thank God you have a sense of humour.
But all the same, someone should stuff someone and make them dance Riverdance in lederhosen for all of eternity.
Who wouldn’t pay for that spectacle?
It would be disturbing, yet strangely compelling.
And THAT is when you know a friend is a keeper.
Exactly!
I’m pescatarian, but I still would totally party with you all.
Well..we’d have salad, too.
Wow, this is surprisingly hilarious! Good friends are hard to find/salivate over, I guess. Never really crossed my mind. Nothing like friends with a sense of humor. I have to wonder though if you put this in writing just in case you ever go missing . . . ? 🙂
Haha…well, now that there is a record of it, it will put a damper on their plans. Of course, my puppetry plans are also spoiled now.