Randy and I have a routine. Sunday mornings, he gets up early, as he does every morning because he’s an inhuman freak, and then wakes me up to go grocery shopping.

My routine is to complain about NEVER GETTING TO SLEEP IN and then I lay in bed playing games on my phone. Randy yells in to the bedroom and asks me if I am getting ready and I say that I’m getting dressed, which is a lie because I’m still playing games on my phone.

Our grocery store is an actual tourist attraction, so it pays to get there early. We MEAN to get there as soon as it opens, but due to my phone games, we usually get there an hour after they open. Still, it’s early enough to avoid most of the tourists. Trust me, I know how native New Yorkers feel every time I shop at Jungle Jims. Fucking tourists.

He doesn’t like waiting at the deli, but he doesn’t mind waiting at Starbucks, so while I order our deli, he gets me a black tea lemonade. This week they had Muenster cheese on sale.

Me, adjusting my makeup which is in the form of big black sunglasses: I got Muenster cheese.

Randy, edging toward their impressive beer section: You got menstrual cheese?

Me, trying desperately to NOT visualize what that would look like: Really, Randy? Really?

Randy, putting on his best ‘I am both affronted and an asshole’ look: Well, that’s what I THOUGHT you said.

Me: Even if they HAD menstrual cheese, which is as disturbing as it is disgusting…why would you think I would BUY it?

Randy: I never know what you’re going to do. You’re weird.

Me: If you were going to mishear me, couldn’t you have heard something LESS disgusting?

Then the conversation switched to all the things Muenster cheese could be if it weren’t Muenster cheese.

Mishap Cheese: This cheese will always injure you. It might taste like it was made by baby angels riding on unicorns, but when you cube it or shred it, you’ll lose a digit or at the very least a layer of your dermis.

Mistrial Cheese: If you eat this cheese before going to trial for grand larceny, smuggling illegal Anne Geddes prints, impersonating John Boehner or aggravated jay walking, you will be SURE to have a mistrial called.  By the way, if you use spray on tan and even Snooki says you might look a little too orange, you MIGHT get arrested as a John Boehner impersonator.

Misanthrope cheese: One bite of this cheese and you’ll be bitching about your neighbors, your coworkers, family members and every other driver on the road. Or if you’re me, you really don’t need the cheese part.

Minstrel cheese: If you eat this, chances are you will behave in a way that you think is HILARIOUS, but run the chance of being very offensive. Best to not eat this cheese at all. Unless you do it late at night, under the covers, with a flashlight. Don’t leave your room until your compulsion to perform in a buffoonish manner has passed.

Mistake cheese: This cheese is GREAT on a grilled cheese, however, if you eat it, you will be forced to recall every mistake you’ve ever made…all the way down to remembering all the times you wore head to toe acid wash to nightclubs in the 80s. We’re talking pumps, jeans, vest and jacket. You will also have to revisit all your failed marriages.

Of course, ANY of these cheeses are better than menstrual cheese.

There are many disadvantages to aging…one of them is hearing loss. Although, Randy has been partially deaf since I met him. Blame those big poofy headphones from the 70s, or just loud music in general. However, the hearing loss DOES lead to some interesting conversations in the grocery store.