10 Thoughts I Have More Than The Average Person

1

You know, I really can’t make that claim. How the fuck do I know what the average person thinks about? Or really, how to even identify an average person.

I was sick most of the week last week and missed about half of the work week. That always freaks me out. I hate calling off sick. I mean, I guess the silver lining is I was too sick to be too worried about it.

I’m tired, but so much better. And super happy to start the week out on my birthday. I am now closer to 60 than 50. Which is fucking weird. Also, not actually true. Well, it’s true, but it’s been true for a year now. I started being closer to 60 than 50 right after I turned 55. But let’s not get hung up on this, okay?

I’ve been loopy for days. It’s going to take a little practice to get out of this. 

Anyway, Randy has this book titled The Steal Like An Artist Journal written by Austin Kleon.

One day, while he kept me company, he read some of the suggested titles and I fixated on this topic. I wrote the list out days ago, but the thought of actually adding anything to the list was just too much to ask. I was on NyQuil and bingeing the X Files. There are only so many hours.

Anyway, here’s my list. My list of 10 thoughts I have more than the average person. Again, how could I know? But I’m pretty fucking sure at least a few of these are accurate. Probably not number 10.

  1. Disintegrating clothes. One time the left butt cheek of a pair of jeans decided to split vertically. I was wearing a thong. I was at work. Things like that scar a person, and now I worry, way too often, about the possibility that my clothes will just fall apart. Yeah, those jeans were getting threadbare, but they were my favorite pair. Up until they weren’t. jeans
  2. Driverless cars. I don’t want to sound like an out-of-touch old woman, but I do not like that whole driverless car thing. I don’t like it one bit. One time, when I was a kid, I was in the back of the family station wagon and we passed a car and, for whatever reason, it looked to me like there was no one driving the car. It scared the fuck out of me. Like that swimmy headed, metal taste-in-the-mouth kind of fear. I remember seeing a driver rather quick, but I have never forgotten how badly that scared me to think of a car driving itself. Which isn’t the only reason why I don’t like the driverless car thing. I just feel uncomfortable giving up that control. Now, will I? Fuck yes, I would. I would love not having to pay attention when I drive to work. Then I could be like everyone else on the fucking interstate.
  3. Slipping in the bathtub after using rosemary and strawberry scented sugar scrub. I think about this more than the average person because I have some amazing rosemary and strawberry scented sugar scrub. I love it. It also makes the tub super slippery and I nearly slipped. I will probably cease to think about this as much once I’ve used up all the sugar scrub. At least, until the next time I’m in TJ Maxx and get drawn into the health and beauty aisles and I get more.
  4. Dying. Okay, not just dying, because I think average person thinks about that shit from time to time. I think about very specific things, which is mostly a variation of: I hope this isn’t the last <fill in the blank> that I listen to/eat/watch/smell/talk to. Like, if the last song I hear is Escape by Rupert Holmes, I am going to be in a bad mood for my entire afterlife. If that song comes on the radio, I change it as fast as I can. Just in case. You never know when the semi in the next lane is going to have a blowout or something.
  5. Instant pot/microwave/gas stove explosions. I love the instant pot. Making hard boiled eggs has always been my nemesis. I never mastered making hard boiled eggs that easily peel. My eggs always looked like they were peeled by gerbils. The instant pot changed that. I make eggs now and they peel so freaking easy. Amazing. Still, I’m still afraid it’s going to explode. The instant pot, not the eggs. And I’m afraid someone will inadvertently start a burner on the gas stove without lighting it and the whole house will explode. I’m not entirely sure that is what would happen, but I’ve seen TV before, and pretty sure unlit burners always end in massive explosions. The microwave fear is just because sometimes Joey puts stupid things in the microwave. “No, no sweetheart, not even if it’s just a little metal.”
  6. Coloring on furniture. Well, this probably is a popular topic for the average toddler to think about. And I totally get why! Coloring on furniture is fun. I put those projects aside for a while, because there are other projects that need done. I did buy a quart of oil based Kilz to put a base on mine and Randy’s bedside tables. I’m not doing that yet, though. I still have the office to paint. I’m pretty sure I’m not going to. I might. I mean, we only live once, right?
  7. Cost of mobility carts. I do think about this, not because I plan to ever need one, but what if I do? What if we both do? I do have progressive nerve damage in my feet. I might need a mobility cart. And if I do need one, do they make them enclosed and climate controlled? I really want mine to be air conditioned. Also, wonder what it would cost to trick it out like the Batmobile? Because that would be cool.
  8. The apocalypse. Not because I’m religious at all, but because most of my favorite shows, at one point or another, is going to have an ‘end of the world’ issue in the plot. Dr Who, Supernatural, Buffy, Angel, Walking Dead. I love that shit. No idea why. Also, if I left any shows off, let me know. I’m going to be through the X Files before long.
  9. Carbon monoxide poisoning. This is sort of like the Rosemary and Strawberry scented sugar scrub. It’s not a permanent thought. Not like the mobility cart thing. It’s just that we have a teeny little carbon monoxide issue in our basement that we just really have to get addressed. We’ve been in this house going on 8 months now. I shudder to think how many of our brain cells have been destroyed. Because of the carbon monoxide. Not the other things. I regret nothing.
  10. Donuts. Okay, the average person does probably spend some time thinking about donuts because they’re donuts. Andlast donut I don’t eat them anymore. We don’t. Randy and I have made some pretty heavy dietary changes. It’s been a few months now and we’ve been seeing some awesome positive changes. Of those changes, not eating donuts is one of the least positive. I love donuts. Donuts are amazing. I’m sure I haven’t eaten my last donut ever, but I’m not ready for that yet. Except, I am ready. Every day. Right now, for instance. I would love a donut.

Okay, there is my list.

Speaking of donuts, I saw my doctor recently and he commented on my weight loss.

Doc: You know, nature played a cruel trick on women your age. It’s really hard to lose weight at your age.

Me: Well, it’s not easy, but I’ve…

Doc: Seriously, it’s very had.

Me:…

Me:…

Me: Okay, then. I’m going to go home and have cake.

I love my doctor, I really do, but he has a lot of work to do in the motivational department. He’s like a walking, talking, demotivational poster, only not as funny.

Here’s to a good week for all of us. Wish me luck re-entering the land of the living. I’m also probably going to get some dirty looks for bringing my germ ridden self in at all last week. Maybe they’ll be nice since it’s my birthday.

 

Photos courtesy of Ryan McGuire and Tero Vesalainen

About the author

38 comments

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

  • Hiya. More EOTW content :

    12 monkeys (syfy)
    Umbrella academy (netflix)

    There’s a lot of post-apoc tv but i don’t watch it.

    Also, Billy Porter’s tux dress for absolute fabulosity!

    Friday v

  • Happy Birthday! I just hit the same number last week and have also been thinking a LOT about the closer to 60 thing. Ugh
    Great news on the weight loss! I am struggling just like your doc said and believe you must be super dedicated. Great job. Go girl!

    • I have been working very hard. We have a work out room at work and I use it every day for lunch. Well…not EVERY day..but a lot of days. And I no longer eat anything fun. It’s all healthy. Well….not ALL healthy. But nearly always

  • Happy birthday! That’s something I hope you’ll spend more time than you usually do thinking about. I probably think about birthdays more than the average person, and yet I manage to regularly miss the birthdays of people I care about. I’d say “Figure that out” but when you’re on a combination of NyQuil and X-Files you’re very easily susceptible to suggestion and I worry what rabbit hole that would lead you down.
    Also here’s what really scares me about driverless cars: instead of giving us more time they’re really going to take time away because most bosses are going to expect you to work during your commute–the same way smartphones have made it so your boss can text you and say, “Hey, I know it’s 2AM and you’re in Disneyworld but I need you to do something and don’t pretend you’re not seeing this because you just added ten pictures to Instagram.”
    I’m pretty sure with every new advance in technology most people have the same two thoughts: “hey that’s cool!” and “how is this going to fuck us over?”
    So your obsession with the end of the world is completely understandable.

  • Happy Birthday. Maybe there will be a donut cake at your work with a present of all seasons of Walking Dead, and a carbon monoxide detector and a brochure on a mobility cart customizer and of course some rosemary/strawberry sugar scrub! I can be rather average and I do not worry about any of your topics so your hypothesis may be correct! Hey it is your birthday so of course you are right!

  • Happy Birthday! I love apocalyptic stories as well! If you haven’t already read it, check out Stations Eleven by Emily St. John Mandel. A great recipe for keto-friendly biscuits – Google almond flour drop biscuits, they will help with your donut cravings. Glad you’re feeling better. Love your blog.

  • Firefly. Not a lot of episodes, but totally worth it. Also by Joss Whedon (Buffy, Angel.) Post-apocalyptic space western. What could go wrong?

  • Happy Birthday!
    Grimm. I uberloved Grimm. So did Mom and she wasn’t really into that sort of thing. But we also both also unberloved Angel for most of the run (not that the shows are related just that any fantasy show we both loved is a good sign)

  • Happy birthday! I turn 60 in 2020, should I last that long, which I probably will.
    I just read an article about autonomous FLYING cars, which scare me more than the ground-based variety, which as a former professional driver I am enthusiastically anticipating.
    We had the sickness a couple of weeks ago, and Briana consumed an entire bottle of NyQuil. It did seem to help.
    Zsuzs got it the day before yesterday, and I sent her a bowl of pasta with a lot of garlic in it, and today she’s claiming to have “kicked that cold’s ass” so perhaps it helped a little.
    We delivered a range to a house in Mill Valley once, and the contractor told us that he would connect it to the gas after the kitchen floor was finished if we just left him the flex line and fittings.
    He didn’t know much about gas, though, like the fact that it isn’t under much pressure in the pipe, so he stuffed a wadded-up napkin in the end of the pipe thinking that when they turned on the gas it would blow out and he’d know he could connect everything up, and, well, it didn’t and he went home for the night.
    The customer came home, smelled the gas before she even opened the door, and called PG&E, who came right there and told her that the levels of gas in her house were such that had the phone rang she could have come home to a smoking crater.
    I at least had gotten the contractor to sign a waver for the gas connection before I left, so I didn’t get in much trouble over it.

  • Happy Birthday! Glad you’re feeling better. Hot Toddy! Bourbon, water, a little lemon [optional] and honey, it’s yummy and it works!

  • I seriously think something is going to bite me on the ass when I sit on the toilet to pee in the middle of the night. I also worry about airplane toilets – like I’ll get sucked out of the plane through the toilet. So basically I’m afraid of dying with my pants off. Well that was cathartic.

  • Happy Birthday! I hit 60 a couple of weeks ago. Each year older I get, the less I care about what other people think about me.

    Post apocalyptic- you definitely need to watch Firefly.
    Have you seen Tank Girl?
    Defiance was a show on Syfy – it’s ended now. I missed the last season, but it was interesting. Good cast (including Julie Benz from Buffy/Angel) – it’s on Amazon Prime, but not Netflix.

    • Yes, I have seen Tank Girl, but it’s been years. And I did watch Firefly, I just forgot to list it. I will have to check out Defiance. I don’t know about that one.

  • I thought I wrote shonething profound.

    You must have thought it not so profound my dreams of slipping on ice and stuff.

    Be well young “oldish” person.

    We all be catching up to you.

      • Happy belated, you weirdo! And thanks for sharing the strange and wonderful forays into your strange and wonderful mind.
        We share a birthday. I turned the dreaded 60. It went off with a whimper, not a bang.
        A few years ago, a dermatologist told me I could be “sexy at sixty” if I just used all his products for sale in the lobby and lost a few pounds. Then he showed me pic after pic of his gorgeous wife as incentive.
        All I could think was, how did a goofy-ass, unappealing sexist self promoter like you ever land this beautiful wife?
        I think he thinks the same, deep down in his heart.
        I was there for some precancerous growth on my face, not a lecture on letting down the man in my life.

        • What the actual fuck???

          Around 15 years ago, I had a deviated septum repaired. The surgeon told me for an additional 1500.00 he could “improve the appearance” of my nose. I said no..I am fine with my nose. He said “Really?”

          HAHAHAHAH. Yes, dude…really.

  • DEFINITELY watch Umbrella Academy! (We’re in the middle of our binge, so no spoilers, but it’s absolutely apocalyptic, both pre- and post-).

    I think you think more about most of your ten than I do. I think I would be hard-pressed to come up with a list, personally, since most of what I think about has EVERYTHING to do with moving my career in film and television forward, and not whether automatic sprinklers still run when it’s raining (or some other thing that most other people probably maybe definitely spend any brain power on).

    I like your list. I’m sorry you’ve given up donuts, but I’m glad Randy gave them up with you. It would suck if he hadn’t. Also, Happy Belated Birthday! W00t W00t!

    • Thank you. And I LOVE LOVE LOVE Umbrella Academy. I’m about halfway through. Klaus is my favorite. With Vanya in a close second because who doesn’t love Ellen Page?

  • I KNOW, right? I was SURE when we first started watching that there was no way she was actually ordinary… and what’s up with Leonard? He’s deliciously creepy, in a very kind way. (We’ve actually finished the season and are ready for the next, tyvm, Netflix… but I don’t wanna say “too much”). Enjoy!

By Michelle

Get the blog by email

Michelle

Categories