You know, I really can’t make that claim. How the fuck do I know what the average person thinks about? Or really, how to even identify an average person.
I was sick most of the week last week and missed about half of the work week. That always freaks me out. I hate calling off sick. I mean, I guess the silver lining is I was too sick to be too worried about it.
I’m tired, but so much better. And super happy to start the week out on my birthday. I am now closer to 60 than 50. Which is fucking weird. Also, not actually true. Well, it’s true, but it’s been true for a year now. I started being closer to 60 than 50 right after I turned 55. But let’s not get hung up on this, okay?
I’ve been loopy for days. It’s going to take a little practice to get out of this.
One day, while he kept me company, he read some of the suggested titles and I fixated on this topic. I wrote the list out days ago, but the thought of actually adding anything to the list was just too much to ask. I was on NyQuil and bingeing the X Files. There are only so many hours.
Anyway, here’s my list. My list of 10 thoughts I have more than the average person. Again, how could I know? But I’m pretty fucking sure at least a few of these are accurate. Probably not number 10.
- Disintegrating clothes. One time the left butt cheek of a pair of jeans decided to split vertically. I was wearing a thong. I was at work. Things like that scar a person, and now I worry, way too often, about the possibility that my clothes will just fall apart. Yeah, those jeans were getting threadbare, but they were my favorite pair. Up until they weren’t.
- Driverless cars. I don’t want to sound like an out-of-touch old woman, but I do not like that whole driverless car thing. I don’t like it one bit. One time, when I was a kid, I was in the back of the family station wagon and we passed a car and, for whatever reason, it looked to me like there was no one driving the car. It scared the fuck out of me. Like that swimmy headed, metal taste-in-the-mouth kind of fear. I remember seeing a driver rather quick, but I have never forgotten how badly that scared me to think of a car driving itself. Which isn’t the only reason why I don’t like the driverless car thing. I just feel uncomfortable giving up that control. Now, will I? Fuck yes, I would. I would love not having to pay attention when I drive to work. Then I could be like everyone else on the fucking interstate.
- Slipping in the bathtub after using rosemary and strawberry scented sugar scrub. I think about this more than the average person because I have some amazing rosemary and strawberry scented sugar scrub. I love it. It also makes the tub super slippery and I nearly slipped. I will probably cease to think about this as much once I’ve used up all the sugar scrub. At least, until the next time I’m in TJ Maxx and get drawn into the health and beauty aisles and I get more.
- Dying. Okay, not just dying, because I think average person thinks about that shit from time to time. I think about very specific things, which is mostly a variation of: I hope this isn’t the last <fill in the blank> that I listen to/eat/watch/smell/talk to. Like, if the last song I hear is Escape by Rupert Holmes, I am going to be in a bad mood for my entire afterlife. If that song comes on the radio, I change it as fast as I can. Just in case. You never know when the semi in the next lane is going to have a blowout or something.
- Instant pot/microwave/gas stove explosions. I love the instant pot. Making hard boiled eggs has always been my nemesis. I never mastered making hard boiled eggs that easily peel. My eggs always looked like they were peeled by gerbils. The instant pot changed that. I make eggs now and they peel so freaking easy. Amazing. Still, I’m still afraid it’s going to explode. The instant pot, not the eggs. And I’m afraid someone will inadvertently start a burner on the gas stove without lighting it and the whole house will explode. I’m not entirely sure that is what would happen, but I’ve seen TV before, and pretty sure unlit burners always end in massive explosions. The microwave fear is just because sometimes Joey puts stupid things in the microwave. “No, no sweetheart, not even if it’s just a little metal.”
- Coloring on furniture. Well, this probably is a popular topic for the average toddler to think about. And I totally get why! Coloring on furniture is fun. I put those projects aside for a while, because there are other projects that need done. I did buy a quart of oil based Kilz to put a base on mine and Randy’s bedside tables. I’m not doing that yet, though. I still have the office to paint. I’m pretty sure I’m not going to. I might. I mean, we only live once, right?
- Cost of mobility carts. I do think about this, not because I plan to ever need one, but what if I do? What if we both do? I do have progressive nerve damage in my feet. I might need a mobility cart. And if I do need one, do they make them enclosed and climate controlled? I really want mine to be air conditioned. Also, wonder what it would cost to trick it out like the Batmobile? Because that would be cool.
- The apocalypse. Not because I’m religious at all, but because most of my favorite shows, at one point or another, is going to have an ‘end of the world’ issue in the plot. Dr Who, Supernatural, Buffy, Angel, Walking Dead. I love that shit. No idea why. Also, if I left any shows off, let me know. I’m going to be through the X Files before long.
- Carbon monoxide poisoning. This is sort of like the Rosemary and Strawberry scented sugar scrub. It’s not a permanent thought. Not like the mobility cart thing. It’s just that we have a teeny little carbon monoxide issue in our basement that we just really have to get addressed. We’ve been in this house going on 8 months now. I shudder to think how many of our brain cells have been destroyed. Because of the carbon monoxide. Not the other things. I regret nothing.
- Donuts. Okay, the average person does probably spend some time thinking about donuts because they’re donuts. And I don’t eat them anymore. We don’t. Randy and I have made some pretty heavy dietary changes. It’s been a few months now and we’ve been seeing some awesome positive changes. Of those changes, not eating donuts is one of the least positive. I love donuts. Donuts are amazing. I’m sure I haven’t eaten my last donut ever, but I’m not ready for that yet. Except, I am ready. Every day. Right now, for instance. I would love a donut.
Okay, there is my list.
Speaking of donuts, I saw my doctor recently and he commented on my weight loss.
Doc: You know, nature played a cruel trick on women your age. It’s really hard to lose weight at your age.
Me: Well, it’s not easy, but I’ve…
Doc: Seriously, it’s very had.
Me: Okay, then. I’m going to go home and have cake.
I love my doctor, I really do, but he has a lot of work to do in the motivational department. He’s like a walking, talking, demotivational poster, only not as funny.
Here’s to a good week for all of us. Wish me luck re-entering the land of the living. I’m also probably going to get some dirty looks for bringing my germ ridden self in at all last week. Maybe they’ll be nice since it’s my birthday.