It’s Sunday and the horrible heat wave seems to have broken, at least here in my boring part of the country. It’s sunny and not too hot and I have at least 3 hours before the reality of Monday morning starts to edge out rational thought.
I planned to clean my fridge today. I spied some mummified celery way in the back and the jar of medium cilantro salsa seems to be cemented to the second shelf. These are clear signs that the muck must go.
I don’t want to.
Cleaning the fridge is dumb. I hate it. It’s wet and boring and sticky and often smelly. I have decided to use my fridge cleaning time just little more productively and give you guys 20 reasons you shouldn’t clean out your fridge.
1. Have you watched Escape From LA recently? No? You really need to reacquaint yourself with Snake Plissken.
2. Are you suffering from depression at all? Well, cleaning out your refrigerator isn’t going to help that shit. You’ll start adding up the cost of everything you are throwing away. You’ll toss the moldy vegetables that you were really going to eat and remember every chip and cookie you ate instead.
3. You are going to die one day. Do you really want to waste this time on such a shitty chore?
4. Wait until Russell Crowe shows up in your kitchen and yells UNLEASH HELL..and not before.
5. Those hard boiled eggs are going to stink really bad just as soon as you move them. You know they are.
6. You never know when your kids will need a back up science project.
7. Isn’t more important to be bilingual than to have a clean fridge? Use this time by learning how to say ‘fuck you’ and ‘kiss my ass’ in at least 4 different languages.
8. Are you having company? No? Then what’s the fucking point?
9. It will only open the gates. If you clean the fridge, next you’ll be tempted to clean out behind the stove. No one wants that.
10. Bubble bath. A long bubble bath would be better than cleaning of any kind. Then leave a comment and tell me how great it was. I have only had showers for the past 4 years. I’m getting a little cranky over that shit.
11. You could break a nail. Or a sweat.
12. Why do you ALWAYS have to clean the damn fridge anyway? Isn’t it someone else’s turn?
13. If you make room, you will just buy more stuff that will go bad. It’s an endless cycle.
14. The stickiness keeps shit from tipping over. Ingenious really.
15. Save the chore as a punishment for one of your kids, sooner or later one of them will do something bad enough to deserve it.
16. Wouldn’t you rather read a book? How often do you take time to just read a good book? You must keep your mind sharp.
17. You’ll just end up eating the entire jar of Maraschino cherries. Again.
18. You just can’t pamper your fridge that way. You must show the appliances who is boss. Start big and the smaller ones won’t act up.
19. Learn to relax. This is not how one relaxes.
20. If you clean the fridge, what will that leave for the roving bands of fridge-mold eating fairies? Don’t be selfish.
There, if that’s not enough reason to leave the refrigerator alone, then there is just no helping you.
Now, anyone want to talk me out of cleaning the hall bathroom? The one exclusively used by my 15 year old son?