20 Things More Annoying Than A Hair Shirt

I’ve heard someone use the phrase “wearing a hair shirt” twice now. I can tell from context, it means suffering or self flagellation of some sort.

It made me think of this one shirt I had. For some reason, that shirt attracted my hair the way a just washed car attracts bird shit.

I would put this shirt on and, at any given time, could pull at least a dozen of my hairs from the threads. It was like my individual hairs found their way back to their motherland and wove themselves into the fabric of their people. One time, at the bottom at one of the seams, I found an actual hair ball.

I mean, it wasn’t a huge hairball, but definitely a hairball.

I have no idea what was up with that shirt. I threw it out after the hairball incident. I would identify the material, but I don’t know shit about material. I wouldn’t know taffeta if it bit me on the ass.

Anyway, I had an actual hair shirt and the shirt was annoying so I know a little something about wearing a hair shirt.

I have to say, as far as annoying goes, I can think of a fuck ton of things that are more annoying than a hair shirt. But a fuck ton would take too long to write and y’all would get bored anyway. So here are twenty things that are more annoying than a hair shirt:

  1. Not being able to find one of the double shot glasses when you know you have at least goddamn 5 of them.
  2. Realizing your hairstyle is exactly the same as Sarah Huckabee Sanders.
  3. Listening to people who think it’s perfectly fine to clip their fingernails in the office. What the fuck is wrong with those people? 
  4. The Joe Namath documentary my husband is watching.
  5. People who get super butthurt over spoilers. It’s social media. People are going to talk about popular shows. It’s kind of an internet thing. I mean, sure, get a little annoyed if you want, but don’t lose your shit. 
  6. When the server at a restaurant refills your tea, without checking, and fucks up the sugar to tea ratio.
  7.  Candyland the board game, not the movie. 
  8. The president, anyone who speaks on behalf of the president and the color orange.
  9. Spilling a gallon of ceiling paint on a ceramic tile floor.
  10. Spilling a gallon of ceiling paint on a ceramic tile floor and then finding cat shit on the floor.
  11. Spilling a gallon of ceiling paint on a ceramic tile floor, finding cat shit on the floor, then finding cat shit on the bed.
  12. Husbands who talk like Carl from Sling Blade.
  13. Husbands who put beer bottle caps in the silverware drawer.
  14. Forgetting it rained and then sitting on an outdoor chair with a cushion and getting the ass of your monkey pants pajamas wet. Which sucks because the monkey pants pajamas are the best.
  15. Running out of conditioner before shampoo. Its like the whole 10 hot dogs vs 8 hot dog bun thing. It can’t be that hard. Put 10 buns in the package and sell the conditioner in slightly larger bottles. 
  16. Driving home from work with no traffic and all the traffic lights are green, then, only 90 seconds from home, getting stopped by a train.
  17. Cold Egg McMuffins. Or Egg McMuffins where the muffin is not really toasted and just kind of warm and chewy in an unpleasant way.
  18. Wearing a bra.
  19. Bosses who interrupt you, destroy your train of thought and then walk away whistling.
  20. People who say ridiculous things like “I forgot to eat” or “I slept so good last night”.

Number 19 used to be different, something about cheery morning people, but today, my boss casually mentioned that he’s been reading my blog and I want to see if he’s paying attention. Also, fucking hell, my boss is reading my blog. Y’all act right. I don’t want to have to burn the world down.

I want to thank my friend from Live By Surprise for goading me into writing this post. She also made a rule that I couldn’t make Randy one of the twenty annoying things. I didn’t specifically say his name on the Sling Blade and bottle cap thing, so I think I followed the rule. Oh, and the Joe Namath thing. But that doesn’t count because the documentary was annoying, not Randy. Although, Randy turned it on. But, whatever.

Also, I’m still suffering from PTSD over the paint/cat shit thing. Ew ew ew ew. You have to imagine me shuddering like Homer Simpson when he talks about Marge’s sisters.

Haha. I wrote “hair shirt” as “hair shit” twice in this post. I’m kinda sorry I found the errors. 

Hair shit.

Image courtesy of Thomas Skirde


Add your comments below. Profanity is encouraged, but not required. ;)
  1. Liv says:

    I am actually clapping. Well. I’m typing now. But I was clapping. Well done. Although I think you skirted the line on the Randy rule a little closely.

  2. Shari says:

    I wish MY boss would read your blog. She is too effing serious which is a total drag at work. Like work doesn’t suck enough.

  3. OMG, I have one of those shirts, too! There’s no way I’m tossing it, because it’s PURPLE. But yeah, on any given day I could concoct a weave out of the hair it collects.

    I’ll tell you what’s more annoying than the tea thing: When you order a Coke Zero and your SO orders a water, and you steal the lemon from his water and put it in your Coke, so when the waiter comes by and stealthily takes your glass he assumes you were drinking tea and brings you a freaking TEA. I have nothing against iced tea, but when you’re expecting to taste Coke Zero…you get the idea.

    • Michelle says:

      Oh yeah, when you are expecting one thing and get another, that is the worst. Well, not the WORST..but annoying.

      • SoozB says:

        Yes, I deal with this every day at work. We sell a lot of nips. For you folks in the rest of the country, nips are small bottles of alcohol – the 50 ml size they have on planes.

        Two of our most popular flavors are Smirnoff 100 proof root beer and Smirnoff 100 proof espresso. The labels are very close in color (light brown versus dark brown). So I ask every customer who buys either one if the flavor they give me to ring up is the flavor they are looking for. Most of them who’ve gotten the wrong one in the past are very happy that I ask because they’ve experienced getting them mixed up. And thank me so it doesn’t happen again.

  4. Who clips their nails in the office???? I have a thing about toenail clipping – nobody – husband included – is allowed to clip in my hearing – GROSS!! And the whole wearing a bra thing – when I am ruler of the world bras will be burnt and never manufactured again!

  5. Stacy Hoover-Bell says:

    Number 6 – but with coffee…can’t tell you how many times I’ve almost knocked the pot out of someone’s hand because they were try to screw up my coffee, cream, sugar ratio…ask before you pour, dammit!!!!!!

  6. Donna says:

    Thank you! As usual, you inspire the shit (or hair?) outta me.

  7. Tricia says:

    I remember actually Googling “hair shirt” when I was reading a book about Henry VIII’s wives because I was so confused why a shirt made of hair was such a big deal that they wrote about it in the book.

    And now I feel the need to pay more attention to SHS’s hair to make sure mine doesn’t look anything like it!!

  8. Terri Lee says:

    Yup. What did I tell you about having cats? And why you should stick to just ONE? Multiply the cat shit/hair ball thing by two or three. Yup. HAHAHA!!!

    I actually have a hair bra now. This bra was one of my BEST. It fit perfectly, was comfortable as hell and looked great under my clothes. I made the huge mistake of wearing it under a V-neck T-shirt when I had my hair cut months ago. Ever since that time, even through several hand washes, the damned thing itches like hell every time I attempt to wear it. All these tiny—microscopic even—hairs are embedded in the fabric of this bra. I do not know how this happened, since I was wearing a fucking cape when she cut my hair! But, I have yet to get all of those little hairs out of my bra and now, wearing it is unbearable! I’m so pissed! (I tried using tweezers even—that’s how much I love this bra! But, that only started tearing at the fabric inside the cups. The hairs would still be in the same spot, extending their middle fingers.

    P.S. He who shall remain nameless doesn’t REALLY talk like Carl in Sling Blade, does he? He’s doing an impression, right? HAHA!!!

    • Michelle says:

      Oh yeah, he doesn’t ALWAYS talk like Carl..he SOMETIMES talks like Carl and it is annoying as fuck. And you totally did warn me about the 2 cat thing. Joey talked us into it. Although, really, we fell in love in 2 freaking seconds. She’s a dream…Alfie is the trouble maker, but I love him too.

      • Terri Lee says:

        *sigh* Of COURSE you fell in love in two seconds! That’s how they DO it! It’s all carefully planned and plotted, don’t you know this? It’s the Kitty Conspiracy! *adjusts tin foil hat* LMAO!

        Hey there, Lisa K!!! *hugs back* I know I missed a hair—-I’ve apparently missed MANY, since every time I think it’s okay to put that damned bra back on, minutes later, it’s (scratch, scratch, scratch) and it dawns on me all over again that I’m wearing the hair bra. From now on, when I get my hair done, I’m going braless, dammit! Hell! Maybe even shirtless! 🙂

        I have a puker cat, too. Piper. She eats so fast and then brings it all right back up. Lorelai is the floor-shitter. Frankie is the one who was spraying urine all over the damned house. I let him ousidet in the mornings now to have a spray-fest and his behavior indoors has improved significantly! Knock on scratching posts! Haha!

    • Lisa K says:

      Hey Terri Lee 🙂

      *plucks microscopic hair from shirt*
      Missed one!!

  9. Lisa K says:

    I have the utmost and sincerest sympathy for the paint/tile/cat shit annoyance.
    Mine are pukers… well, two of them… I’ve changed cat food and everything 🙁
    And you NEVER find cat puke by SEEING it 🙁
    I must confess, tho. I would have had a painted tile floor, for as long as the paint lasted, then I would have a tile floor that needs redone, then I would avoid that area for the rest of my life, but, I’m not trying to sell the house, so…
    I can’t decide between #’s 19 and 20.
    Both are as annoying as hell.
    (Hi Michelle’s Boss *waves from Oregon* 🙂 )

  10. Spiked Lee says:

    3. Ew!Ew!Ew! I once ran a ballet studio and one of the moms would come in and file her nails and then polish them. Every. Week. I had to ask her to stop – I used the polish as a health hazard excuse. No one in the family clips their nails when I am around, except in the bathroom with the door closed. I go outside to clip mine whenever possible.
    Last time I was on the train, one with bathrooms, the guy across the aisle from me first dry shaved – with a blade, and then dry tooth brushed. In his seat. 18 inches from me. EEEWWWWW!
    12. Husband talks like Michael Caine on a regular basis. “You’re only supposed to blow the bloody doors off!” Italian Job era Michael Caine. It makes me laugh, every time.
    18. Best thing about working from home is not wearing a bra. Freedom!

    • Michelle says:

      Oh man…I would have had to kill train guy. What the hell. Randy often talks with a British accent. I don’t mind that one, but Carl has GOT to GO

  11. shirt/shit, hair/cat, husband/randy. These interchangeable words you’ve put together into a hilarious Friday morning rant. Loved it.

  12. Laura says:

    I never run out of conditioner. I should, because I bleach my hair white, then dye it purple, but, it never goes away. I just throw the bottle out when I’ve gone through two bottles of shampoo. Its one of life’s mysteries.

    Also, why does my husband think bottle caps are trash and not recycling. The bottle is recycling. The top is a little piece of metal. You can recycle metal. Put it with the goddam bottle

  13. “I wouldn’t know taffeta if it bit me on the ass.”
    Actually, that’s how you can tell it’s genuine taffeta. True story.

    But you might choose not to believe me (hell, you might never speak to me again) because I routinely forget to eat. In my defense, I’m pretty sure my body is holding on to enough fat to keep me alive for many months if there were no food at all, but I still eat because chocolate exists and my people invented deep frying.

  14. Mary-Anne says:

    and I also hate it when you tell a server what you want to drink and what side you want and then they come back and ask you again. Pay attention people!

    And I agree with the bottle caps in the silverware drawer. Why do ‘they’ do that?

  15. Shani says:

    Love it! Part of my list changes daily. Today it’s:
    People who don’t know how to walk without stomping when I’m trying to sleep.
    People who talk when I’m trying to sleep.
    Alarm clocks

    Always on the list:
    People who cut in front of you in line. What are we? 12?
    News programs showing the orange ass and his ilk talking love like they are actually saying something truthful or relevant. Just summarize when they’re done. “False praise for self and/or orange ass” “99% bullshit” “Here’s this possible policy thing that should scare the shit out of you.”

  16. Paula says:

    OMG! I hate Candyland! I hate the color Orange before Mr Dork-o inhabited the WH. After the shitty week I have had, none of those seem so bad. Oh the paint/cat shit it pretty bad and the hair in the bra, I can relate, Terry Lee. Mostly, I try to get it out by using the stickiest tape I can find-moving tape usually and try to get it out that way. The round rollers with masking tape just don’t work. With my boss, if he fell on a round pointy thing and damaged himself, I would not be sad. (I just can’t bring myself to say die) Shit-y week…..

    • Michelle says:

      I am so sorry you had a shitty week! I hate shitty weeks. I actually had a decent week at work this week. Low stress, lots of progress. I’m heading into the weekend on a high. I hope your weekend is good!

  17. Doug in Oakland says:

    My mother used to spin wool into yarn and knit things with it. She knitted me a very nice sweater that I wore for years. Wool is just sheep hair, so does that count as a hair shirt?
    Because it was awesome. I wore it under my leather jacket and never got cold on my motorcycle on the freeway…

  18. Supposedly if you’re wearing a hair shirt when you die you go straight to Heaven. Or it takes some years off Purgatory or some such shit. I might have to wear one because I’m pretty sure I’m going to Hell for calling it “some such shit”.
    Anyway I think any of these should also send you straight to Heaven if you die while dealing with them. And they should count toward Purgatory if you believe in that kinda shit.
    Anyway I wish I could say I hate all things Orange but, hey, carrots and pumpkins and I have an orange shirt. It’s not “spray on tan” orange, more of a muted, autumn leaf orange. Never thought I’d wear anything orange until I got that shirt but I get so many compliments. Or maybe people are just trying to make me feel better about the hairball stuck to it.

  19. Linda G says:

    When we want to act put upon around my house, we say “My hair shirt is hairier than yours”

  20. Haralee says:

    You would know taffeta because it is a noisy fabric, trust me. If there was a hairball in taffeta you would totally have to throw away the garment because taffeta stains easily with a drop of water!

  21. Lori says:

    Yes to #8. All the ladies in the old folks home go without a bra so why are we kidding ourselves trying to keep them up now? I have hair pants…they are workout leggings and collect hair sitting in my drawer.
    Came home yesterday to a towel tossed over cat puke. Gotta love teenagers.

  22. Alana says:

    Hair shirt. Hair bras. How about hair lanyards? I have to wear a badge at work. One of the lanyard thingies you wear around your neck with the badge dangling from it pulls out the hair on my neck. How does that even happen? The lanyard has the company logo and I am supposed to be proud to wear it. Ouch.

  23. When I still worked an office job, I would clip my nails at the office. Not on a regular basis, though. I would only do it if they’d gotten so long I couldn’t type properly. And I basically shoved my entire hand into the trash can while I did it, just to make sure no little bits of fingernail shrapnel shot out of the clippers at my coworkers. With all of the advancements in modern technology, you’d think someone would have made nail clippers by now that didn’t shoot tiny, sharp bone fragments out at 90mph.

  24. mydangblog says:

    Awesome list but for me, definitely 19. The only thing worse would be a hair bra. I’ve never yet found one even remotely comfortable–I just squirm in my lady cage all day.

  25. emelle says:

    1. Not being able to find a thing you know you have multiples of, but especially double shot glasses.
    2. Realizing your hairstyle is not helping you book background acting jobs.
    3. Needing to clip my fingernails but not having an office to do it in.
    4. The video game my husband is playing.
    5. The movie trailers my husband will start watching, without letting me know he’s about to. I need my damn glasses, you shit!
    6. When the server at a restaurant refills your tea, without checking, and fucks up the sugar to tea ratio. Or refills with something other than tea.
    7. Bad board games. Bad movies.
    8. The president, anyone who speaks on behalf of the president and the color orange.
    9. Walking on tracked cat litter in the bathroom.
    10. Walking on tracked cat litter in the bathroom, after my husband has just showered, dripping all over the floor.
    11. Walking on tracked cat litter in the bathroom, after my husband has just showered, dripping all over the floor, then finding cat shit on the bed.
    12. Husbands who try too hard to be funny.
    13. Husbands who leave beer bottles on the kitchen counter.
    14. Husbands who take soaking dishes out of the sink to use the sink, leaving the dishes to “soak” on the kitchen counter, adjacent to the sink.
    15. Running out of toilet paper whilst taking a shit.
    16. Walking through my neighborhood, getting stopped by a Scientologist who wants me to take a personality test, or basically litter my neighborhood with their flyers.
    17. Cold eggs. Or hot eggs. Eggs in general are just kind of unpleasant. To me, of course.
    18. Wearing a bra.
    19. Bosses who treat employees as non-human.
    20. People who say ridiculous things like “just don’t be sad” or “try smiling more”.