21 Things I Think Before Going To Work On Monday Mornings

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As much as I love my weekends, Sunday is always tinged with a little sadness. It’s like I can actually hear the weekend screaming as it dies.

I was going to say ‘as it slowly dies’ but then I realized, it’s a swift fucking death. We should all be so lucky.

I decided this morning to be cognizant of my thoughts as I was getting ready to start my work week. Although, in the spirit of honesty, these thoughts can happen any weekday morning. However, this belongs to Monday. These are the things I thought about before work on Monday:

1. What the fuck am I going to wear? I should plan this shit out the night before. Maybe today I should make an effort to look professional.

2. HAHAHAHFUCKINGHAHAAH. Nope. Yoga pants it is.

3. I’m definitely taking a xanax.

4. Just put the goddamn headphones on as soon as you get there.

5. You are a motherfucking badass.

6. I am so much not a badass.

7. Your bedroom has been messy since 1977. When are you going to have a grown up bedroom?

8. Where’s my deodorant?

9. Fuck it. I’ll just stink. People will leave me alone. Or they’ll sniff me.

10. God, I hope no one sniffs me.

11. Maybe I’ll win the lottery this week. I’d still go to work for like a week or two just to sit there and blatantly do nothing.

12. So, it will be like the other days without the ‘blatant’ part.

13. I should buy a lottery ticket.

14. Or just set my money on fire. Same difference.

15. Wonder if Randy made my coffee yet. I don’t smell coffee.

16. I should buy a coffee maker for every room in the house.

17. Except the bathrooms. Ew ew ew ew ew.

18. Especially Joey’s bathroom. The coffee would taste like Axe.

19. Why the fuck do teenage boys marinate in that shit? Do teenage girls like that? I don’t remember liking that.

20. Maybe I should just call in sick.

21. Nah, Already have the yoga pants on. Might as well get this shit over with.

Also, apropos of nothing, check this blog post out…follow the link…and vote for Foxy Wine Pocket for a badass blog award. She is awesome and I really hope she wins.

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35 comments

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  • This makes me think of that image I saw on Facebook…How my week goes:

    Monday,
    Monday #2,
    Monday #3,
    Monday #4,
    Friday,
    Saturday,
    Pre-Monday.

    Although my Pre-Monday this week could actually qualify as its own Monday.

    I’m glad I am not the only one with bouncy thoughts on Monday morning…

  • Mine was similar this morning, only with more, “holy fuck, where’s her project? shit! what do you mean YOU HAVE NO PANTS? ” etc, etc. My poor children…need to get their shit together, because clearly I can’t.

  • I do remember liking some vile Pierre Cardin cologne or whatever that one of the boys in my class wore when we were about 15, but I liked it because I though he was cute; it wasn’t that I smelled that shit and swooned. Because it was nasty, in retrospect. And Pierre Cardin was the Axe of the 80s. I remember I went to the drug store and found it and sprayed it on my Levi’s denim jacket (on the collar) so I could smell it and think about him (I was such a fucking sap), and my mom smelled it (because, you know, she was in the same Zip code, and had a NOSE) and accused me of messing around with one of the (icky, unappealing) neighbor kids. No, Mother, I was not making out with Phillip Albert. YUCK. But that Axe shit is repulsive, and I’m so not looking forward to when my 11 year old decides he just has to have it. Foul.

    • If a boy was wearing Jovan Musk for Men, my panties were practically his. When I got a little older, I held out for a man wearing Calvin Cline’s Obsession. Oh, who am I kidding? It was frighteningly easy for a guy to get my panties off — even if he wasn’t wearing any smell good.

  • The good think about the weekend dying is that it always comes back in 5 days or less. And teenage boys are the only ones to like the smell of Axe…. it covers up the teenage odor though and that’s actually worse.

  • I love these, because it’s how I think all the time–Like having “thought-ADD” inside my own head, all the time. But, I have to remind myself that blurting out off-topic things when someone is talking makes them think I’M NOT EVEN LISTENING TO THEM. (I know…rude).

    Ah, Pierre Cardin! My husband wore it when we met (1987), and I managed to find it again at a fragrance outlet last year. I bought a giant bottle of it, but subsequently dropped it in the sink and BROKE the glass bottle in half and lost it all down the drain. I think it’s still about the sexiest smell around, but it’s because it’s on *him*. And, I could be stuck in the 80s a little…

    I don’t get the Axe thing, but my girls love it, so maybe it’s the Pierre Cardin of the 2010s. (WHAT do we call this decade? The “tens”? teens? eleventies?)

    • I bought hubs a bottle of something called Thunderstorm and I thought I would love it because it’s by Demeter and I love their fragrances. I did not love it. It smelled like BO.

  • I don’t think I could smell whatever the teenage boys were doused in through my patchouli haze 🙂 I do remember the smell of Brut though…that was utterly ghastly.
    As someone who can’t visit the ground floor of a department store without a severe headache and allergies from all the synthetic perfume I really do feel your pain.
    >
    May the working week pass swiftly!

  • Priceless! I think these things on a regular basis, but you make them sound so much funnier.
    .
    A grown-up bedroom… I’m 47 and I still keep my socks and underwear in the plastic crates I had as a college student. I’d like to own real bedroom furniture, but… maybe as a retirement present to myself.

    Thanks for another great blog post!

  • I’m definitely not a fan of Monday’s !!!
    One of the main reasons I stay in the job I’m in is because I get to come to work every day in jeans – long jeans in winter and 3/4 / knee length jeans in summer – only company I’ve ever worked out where I can do that. I may die still working for this company !
    Have the best day !
    Me

  • My first thoughts when the alarm clock goes off are:

    “why am I getting up this early?”
    “Oh, right. I didn’t win the lottery again.”
    “Shit.”

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