Well, maybe you don’t have these stressful thoughts while driving to work. It would be weird if you had these exact thoughts, but I bet you have had at least a variation of some of these.
If you have all of these thoughts, get the fuck out of my head. Freak.
I’ve been at my new job for two months now. It still feels weird to walk into work and I can’t shake the feeling that I’m in the wrong place. I’m getting used to the differences in environment. It’s not just the atmosphere, which is extremely close knit, it’s the expectations, management style, and even the commute.
The smells are different. I was accustomed to the smells at my old job. For instance, I knew if it was raining, the foyer would smell like cat piss. I accepted that the parking lot would smell like sawdust and the zoo some days and on others, it would smell like fair food.
My new job? Well, this one guy has an office that smells like vanilla and flowers. The kind of smell you would expect if you were having a spa day. At least I think that’s what it would smell like. It’s been years since I’ve had a spa day. Last Friday, I got the smell of hot asphalt on a rainy day. I have no idea what that was all about.
There are around 20 people in the office. The offices are above a showroom filled with indoor and outdoor fireplaces, furniture, hot tubs and pool tables. There is a single shared bathroom upstairs. You guys, I have to share a bathroom with men. I don’t know why this freaks me out, it’s not like men are more gross than women. Except they kind of are.
The people are friendly, the management style is relaxed. I’m reasonably sure I’m living up to their expectations. The commute, though. The commute is way more stressful.
The distance to my new job is nearly the same as my old job, except instead of traveling North, I am traveling South. The traffic heading North is virtually non-existent. South? Well, we will just say that I hate all the other drivers.
Here are some of the thoughts I have had in the morning on my way to work:
1. Where’s my coffee? Did I leave it on the table again? Okay, I have enough time to go back for it.
2. Is my cell phone in my purse? Crap. I’m definitely going to be late.
3. Fucking hell, am I going to hit every red light this morning?
4. What’s this crazy bastard doing? Seriously, dude? What the fuck are you doing?
5. What if I can’t figure out how to make that printer work right? I fucking told them when I interviewed that I’m not a hardware person. I hate printers. I hate hardware. I should just quit this job.
6. I hope I don’t get stopped by the train again this morning.
7. People loved ‘dick punch’ in my last blog post. Damn…we’re a violent bunch, aren’t we?
8. Follow my bliss? I would totally follow my bliss, but instead I have to follow the slowest motherfucker on the expressway this morning.
9. I’d like to dick punch the person who coined the ‘follow your bliss’ phrase. What does that even fucking mean? I have to pay bills, my bliss doesn’t pay the bills. Fixing that stupid printer issue is what pays the bills.
10. Why do cops shoot radar in the morning on the expressway? It slows all the goddamn traffic down. Stop, go, stop, go. It’s dangerous is what it is. How is this protecting anyone? It’s making it more goddamn dangerous.
11. What’s this guy doing? Is he…is he going to pull right out in front of me? Goddammit.
12. Well, now my purse and lunch are on the floor. Way to go, asshole.
13. Wonder if I’ll ever be able to call someone an asshole without thinking of The Rocky Horror Picture Show?
14. Do people who write radio commercials try to be as annoying as possible. Aren’t they trying to sell shit? I would drive on my rims before I’d go to Tire Discounters after listening to that commercial.
15. Why did you listen to that commercial anyway? Change the station.
16. Fuck. Barry Manilow? He’s as bad as Tire Discounters.
17. Will today be the day I can make it up the stairs to my cubicle without getting winded?
18. Wonder what Randy packed in my lunch today? I guess I’ll find out when I pick it up off the floor board.
19. Goddamn train.
20. I have to get these broken windows fixed. I bet everyone talks about the new girl and her two cracked car windows.
21. Try not to think about all the other thumbs the touch the time clock this morning. You’ll just start the day nauseous again.
22. Why the fuck am I punching a clock, anyway? I haven’t punched a clock in 30 years.
23. The parking lot is solid ice.
24. It’s going to hurt so bad when I face plant. I hope someone finds me soon.
25. Okay, just walk in. People are going to say good morning. Just say good morning back. You can do this. It’s not going to be weird soon. You got this.
There you go, 25 stressful thoughts. Only in real life there is a lot more cursing.
How about you? Do you have any recurring stressful thoughts on your way to work in the morning? Do you have to talk yourself into not being anxious around other people? Lie to me if you don’t. I don’t want to be the only one who takes forever to get used to being around new people.
Oh, and a request…if you haven’t subscribed to Rubber Shoes yet, please do. I promise I won’t inundate you with drunken emails in the middle of the night.
Maybe on Sunday afternoons, though.