27 Reasons To Not Work Out

Randy and I are really good at losing and gaining the same weight over and over. We’re not only good at it, we’re professional level good at it. Well, not professional in which we get paid for it or anything. That’d be cool, though. I wouldn’t be sweating the cracked windshield and the check engine light in my red car.

Anyway, if you read my blog, then you know Randy got sick at the beginning of the year. We had been making dietary changes at that point and were just having some success when life took a sharp left.

We both lost weight while he was sick.Β  Life would have been awesome if we had just kept on going. But, by the time he got better and came home from the hospital, we were both out of sorts. Out of sorts leads to baking.

A lot of baking.

I don’t think either one of us realized how much weight we were gaining. Shit’s been weird, yo. Then on Friday, I went to put on a pair of jeans that I last wore, very comfortably, about a month ago.

What the fucking fuck happened to these pants. Are these the pants I think they are? They are. Why can’t I button them?Β 

oh. fuck.Β 

I think one of the reasons why Randy and I work so well together is that we are supportive of each other. We decided it’s time to take being healthy seriously. Again.

I’m on day three of no refined sugar.reasons to not work out Other than being sweaty, irritable, anxious, tired and generally pissed off at the world, it’s going great. I remember this from the last time. I think I have about 72 more hours of my body punishing me for taking away sugar and then I’ll start feeling good again. I remember how good I felt when I limited sugar and simple carbs. But then cake happened. As it often does.

Part of this plan involves working out. I’m starting slow. Just some time on the treadmill. If I used the same amount of energy working out that I have whining about working out, I’d look like Linda Hamilton in Terminator II by now.

Working out is sweaty and I’m a long way away from looking forward to it or feeling anything but exhausted when I am done. I know that will change, it just feels impossible right now.

So, it can’t just be me. Some of y’all probably hate working out. I am here to help you with this. I am going to give you 27 good goddamn reasons for not working out:

Disclaimer: These are for entertainment only. They are not intended to be used as real excuses. Except reason 4. And maybe 22.

  1. Is the treadmill plugged in? No? Fuck it. There’s only so much you can do.
  2. You’ll just end up with callouses on your heels.
  3. Listen real hard. You can hear tequila’s siren song. It must be answered.
  4. Watch My Monkey Baby on Netflix. It is a 7 out of 10 on the WTF scale that I just made up. I kind of feel like I need a support group after watching this.
  5. A drive to the liquor store could loosely be classified as a work out.
  6. It’s possible to choke on brownies if you eat them while jogging. A choice must be made between brownies and jogging. Brownies.
  7. What if your treadmill lures salacious robots? Do you want to be responsible for the robot invasion?
  8. Call a psychic hotline and ask them how much you will weigh six months from now. Then you’ll know if you can slack off for a night. It’s math, people. Made up, nonsensical math.
  9. Fuck you, I don’t have to work out.
  10. Seriously, I don’t mind being fat.
  11. How long has it been since you’ve watched Buffy all the way through from season one?
  12. The world is going to end some day. So why bother?
  13. I never said these excuses weren’t going to be depressing.
  14. Or silly.
  15. Wouldn’t you rather make a grilled cheese donut?
  16. Your clanking weights might attract zombies. You don’t know.
  17. If you can’t match up your headband, hair tie, socks, shorts, tank top and mood lighting, then what’s the fucking point?
  18. You should probably check your email.
  19. And Facebook.
  20. Probably Twitter, too.
  21. The knots on your gym shoes are impossible. You’ll just get frustrated.
  22. Watch Monty Python. I suggest this because Randy is watching Monty Python right now. The dead parrot sketch. I will never not laugh at this.
  23. Create a healthy menu for the next few weeks instead of working out. Then, create one for me.
  24. Also, can you come over and pack a lunch for me every morning? Not weekends. I’ll be fine on weekends. Probably.
  25. You might get acid reflux or trip on something or get way too sweaty. Plus, wouldn’t you rather read a book?
  26. Put clean sheets on your bed. Climbing into bed on clean sheets sounds nice right now, doesn’t it?
  27. Work on other ways to take care of you. Like promise yourself that you’ll stop reading Donald Trump articles. Or decide to cut back on the artificially sweetened cherry Koolaid.

Okay, so I did get on the treadmill. I didn’t want to. I’m not happy about it. But I did it. 3 days down, all the rest of them to go.

I also drank some cherry Koolaid.

Photograph courtesy of Thomas Kelley

 

 

 

 

 

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  • OMG I am soooo there! Excuse #28-My mother is visiting right now and she loves to buy bread and baked goods. And they HAVE to be eaten or they’ll get stale, right?!!

    • Not gonna lie, the withdrawal is fucking brutal. Shakes, fogginess, sweaty. My face is even breaking out. BUT..I do remember how very good I felt without sugar. Like seriously, 20 years younger. This was around 5 years ago..so maybe now, I’ll only feel 15 years younger. Or is my math weird again? I’m never sure.

      • How the fuck do you stress bake without sugar and flour? Yesterday I made 48 muffins. Today, I may do it again.

        • That’s the hard part. You don’t. πŸ™

          Or even worse..you DO and then don’t eat it. You just watch other people eat it. I don’t recommend that.

  • I like to make up medical excuses why I’m not working out, there is so many to choose from! Donutitis, Ihatemyfuckingjobapox, margaretivillaria, barbaquebirdflu! Plus I meet the friendliest people in the Dr’s office waiting room , who trust me so much that they list off all there illnesses since birth and every medication they are taking or have ever taken in the entire life, I sometimes feel like like I should be signing a HIPPA form first!! So I like to just hover between the two groups, I’m pretty sure that both ends of that spectrum will die out before me.

  • Hot tip: Don’t give up sugar. Give up animal fats. Sugar gives you energy and makes you feel good. Fats make you want to take a nap for 10 years. They also have a way of plugging up your arteries and KILLING you.

    True confession. Cake, cookies, pies and pastry were my favorite food group until my doctor told me I had high cholesterol. I refused to go the stain route and, instead, cut out animal fats. But kept the sugar. I dropped 15 pounds without trying. When I crave cake, I whip up fat-free Pumpkin Walnut Muffins made with Canola Oil, Egg Beaters and Dark Brown Sugar.

    • Hmmm…I really don’t eat a LOT of fat..some. However, I do know that when I quit (most) refined sugar, I felt like a rockstar. I’m not giving up ALL sugar, like from fruit..just the white stuff. I have some cool whip and sugar free jello when I have to have something..hardly any calories and I’m no longer a raging beast. haha.

  • Uh huh, so you got on the treadmill. But did you actually make it go? I’m onto you, girrrl. By the way, when you get rich you can pay someone to exercise for you. These tips are extremely hot and coming from a fitness pro who knows how good movement is for a person.

    • Hahah! YES! I did make it go. I even ran a little. Very little. And not very fast. BUT, I have consistently worked out for 3 days in a row. I hate the beginning part. It seems fruitless and like it will NEVER make a difference, but I also know that isn’t true. I just wish it didn’t take so long..it sure as fuck didn’t take long to gain all this weight.

  • I’ve been a huge Monty Python groupie since my teens. You could easily lose some weight with the Ministry of Silly Walks workout! (Irrelevant aside: I’ve always had a crush on Michael Palin and he’s still hot in his 70s! Hot, funny and super smart! You can’t beat that with a stick!)

    My best friends call me the “Donut Queen”. I need a 12-step program for my Dunkin Donuts chocolate glazed and my Entenmanns chocolate covered, yellow cake donut addictions. Sugar is probably my worst addiction, although caffeine is right up there along with it. I tried giving up caffeine a few months ago. I say this after having my three cups of coffee this morning (black, no sugar), so that’s how THAT turned out. I would love to give up refined sugar, but just reading your description of your symptoms is scaring me. πŸ™‚ WTF is that stuff doing to our insides that it creates withdrawal symptoms that rival heroin? Damn!!! Maybe all of us here should make a pact to give up the sugar so we can wallow in our misery together. Isn’t it easier to feel like total shit as a group? Why, sure it is!

    I’m going to have to now look up My Monkey Baby. This falls under the “I have NO fucking clue” category for me.

    • It is NOT easy to give up sugar. I’ve had a headache for two days now. But I remember this from the last time. I also know that in the not too distant future, I am going to be sleeping more soundly and I will have more energy and less mental fogginess. It’s just not easy to get there. And I have loved Monty Python since my teen years as well. It’s one of the things that I have in common with my dad that doesn’t make me crazy.

      • OMG, yes, the “withdrawal headache”. It’s why I went back to drinking coffee! Please send me a major dose of your attitude. I love it! Just knowing how amazing I’ll feel after the symptoms pass should be what I’m focusing on.

        Where is Lisa K? Is she working out on the treadmill or is she watching Monty Python? Want to make a wager? Haha! πŸ˜€

        • No no no no no….
          *falls flat on floor at Terri Lee’s feet*
          Just leave me here… I have to pretend to like little kids A LOT today.
          a popular storybook figure mascot is coming to our library to sign up the little booger sliders for Summer Reading….
          And I have barely recovered my sense of everything that is right… ‘Monkey Babies….’
          Oy… I should never have watched the ‘Monkey Mamas.. ‘ just like ‘I Fink you Freaky…’
          *rubs viciously at tightly shut eyes*

          So, I can’t see running in place, running around in circles or running across an open field unless A: I have to produce my own electricity. B: I have to catch a grandbaby, or, of course, C: ( the clincher for all my running, if no one is chasing me, that’s a given, Duh?) one of my horses gets out… (and then I just use a cheater grain can with the back 40 whistle… Horses will RUN TO YOU for grain… I call it Horsey-Coke πŸ™‚ )

          *climbs up on couch beside Terri Lee*
          OK, I can do this.. my nerves are shot.
          It’s been a crazy “Happy Fucking This’ and ‘Cunt-Fucking-Gratulations That’ kinda week and I am FLAT OUTTA NICE!!
          AND now I gotta fake it like never before.
          SOBER!
          For my exercise routine (oh yeah… watch the face and body posture change while I practice my ‘Go Girl’ πŸ˜‰ ) I combine Yoga, Pilates, color frequency and tone frequency.

          I LOVE it.

          That’s all I got.

          *shudder*

          Pray for me or sacrifice a virgin goat or start drinking in my honor… I gotta go get ready for a ‘near death’ experience.

          You all have fun, now πŸ˜‰
          *waves miserably at everybody*
          *clutches at Terri Lee*

          • Aw, Lisa, why do you get to have all the fun? I fit in really well with little booger sliders AND I’ll run to you for grain, especially if it’s in the form of oatmeal cookies! No raisins though. That’s oatmeal cookie contamination in my book!

            *giving Lisa a comforting hug,because dammit, she deserves one* πŸ™‚

    • I guess I should try laughing more. Haha. We don’t work out together (unless it’s a walk outdoors). We just support each other’s healthy eating by not bringing anything tempting into the house. Now, if we could get the baby boy to follow that rule. He tortured me last night by bringing home a brownie/ice cream dessert from his work. I had to leave the room because usually when he brings those home, I help him with it.

  • Lately I’ve been hearing about people who are healthy and into exercise talk about their “cheat day”, that one day of the week when they go crazy and eat whatever they deny themselves the rest of the week.
    So who’s to say today isn’t your cheat day? And maybe tomorrow.
    What I hate, though, is after the withdrawal is done and I decide to treat myself with something I’d dropped and it tastes terrible. Or it makes me feel awful. What the fuck? Why can’t I eat more than three bites of this cheesecake without feeling like I’m going to die?
    But my body setting healthy limits would be a good thing if I didn’t feel compelled to push through and eventually get back to the point where I can eat an entire cheesecake again.

    • Yep..once you get away from it, it ceases to be any good..which puts me in a state of mourning.

      I will have cheat days…my niece and nephew’s birthday party is Sunday and I’m having a goddamn piece of cake. Sure, it will be small..but I am living for that goddamn cake right now.

      What I’ve given up is nothing compared to poor Randy. He stopped drinking beer. He is on a beer hiatus until we go on vacation next month. Poor guy. He’s suffering.

  • Am loving the list. Number 8 I read as, “Call a psycho hotline.” I thought, “WTF is a psycho hotline?” But what a great idea for a hotline!!!!

      • You and me both. This list is even funnier on a second read- like curry tastes even better the next day. Altho not pizza. Altho you may well disagree with me there. My faves from the list are (if I really have narrow down the choices) 5,6,10,12,17,18,19,20,22,25….love 26- the clean sheets. Mmmm. Will print it off, then when part of my brain starts on about the e word (exercise), will re-read and do something enjoyable instead. πŸ˜‰

  • Funnily enough I actually did just temporarily suspend my gym membership a couple of weeks ago so I could have more time watching My Monkey Baby. Okay, not because of My Monkey Baby, but I’m going to use that as my excuse from now on just to see the look on people’s faces.
    It’s sure a lot more interesting than “I’m in a mental/physical rut and every time I see an elliptical trainer I die a little inside so I’ve decided to take a break from the land of sweaty exercise mats and over-the-top male grunting and just get my butt outdoors.”

  • I’ve almost always done a lot of physical work at whatever job I had (delivery driver, warehouse worker, etc.) so when I had my stroke and couldn’t work anymore (and stopped doing drugs at the same time) it was just lucky that I didn’t start gaining weight. I know people who have, so I’m glad I didn’t. I remember in the hospital a few days after my stroke, one of my doctors noticed that I eat quickly and always finish everything they brought me, and sat down and talked to me about my eating habits. Long story short, I haven’t changed my diet much (except that I now finally have a kitchen again, so I can cook for us, which helps immeasurably) but in some ways I have, sort of by accident. I used to eat a LOT of sugar; candies, pastry, doughnuts, and more, but now I don’t seem to want them very much. The same is true for salt. I don’t consciously try to avoid it, I just don’t like it any more. My only remaining vice is high fructose corn syrup (in strawberry soda) and so far, my doctor has been OK with it. Yesterday, though, he gave me a lab slip for a blood-sugar test because mine has been on the high end of normal, so changes may be on their way for me, also.
    I used to work out a lot, in the first three years after my stroke, as I was living in a warehouse with a guy who was a body builder and had access to an elliptical trainer (I could never do the treadmill, but we had one of those also) and I was so focused on regaining function that I worked out six times a day. Since I’ve moved on from there I’ve tried to do what I can, mostly walk a lot, and use my 17 pound hand-size barbell to keep my left arm from atrophying. Result? I weighed 196 at the doctor’s yesterday as compared to 212 the day of my stroke, so perhaps what I’m doing is working? I would take up your excuse list if I didn’t actually want to exercise, but all in all, I still like it better than not doing it.

    • I will get to that point. Where I would rather do it than not do it. I remember how good it feels…it just takes a while and I usually have to start and stop before I commit (that can take over a year sometimes). But I’m feeling rather dedicated this time. I mean, I always had time on my side and now, not so much..

  • oh hell no, I’m not gonna be responsible for robots and zombies!

    I’d like to join the kind of gym where OTHER people do the exercising for me.

    Linda Hamilton in Terminator 2- major girl crush.

  • Unless I am pretty certain there is going to be an orgasm at the end of it, I do not like to do things that make me sweat.
    However, I have found that I don’t HATE taking the Golden Retriever on a walk quite as bad as I hate a treadmill. Of course, it’s about to be hotter than the hammered down hinges of Hell here in Alabama…

    • I’m scrolling through the comments, sort of perusing them, and then I see “there is going to be an orgasm at the end of it,” and I was like… “Wait. What? Now THAT comment I have to read!!! I mean, what if she was saying there’s going to be an orgasm at the end of this comments section? Like, should I scroll really fast? Or do I want to scroll nice and slow?!?” And now I’m here, and I’m like, “Oh. So. I can’t just have an orgasm while sitting alone staring at my computer screen?”
      And I just realized this post might be too personal…
      Oh, well.
      I’m leaving it.

      • YAY! I’m glad you left it! hahahah..and I think that there are probably many many many people who have orgasms alone in front of their computer. Hahaha

        • Orgasms?
          Wait… where am I?
          No, I refuse to think of lots of people having orgasms in front of their computers… just no.
          *rubs viciously at tightly shut eyes*
          That’s like the new section in the library that I want.
          Self Help section… One Handed Self Help section? (50 Shades of Grey started that line of thinking when the guys started checking it out! πŸ™‚ )

          OK, now I REALLY have to go… to WORK!!

  • As I sit here in my fav chair (parked in front of the tv), stuffing chocolate chip cookies (aka maintaining the 20 lbs of pudge I’ve gained since mentalpause) I’d like to extend my full support to your latest endeavour. Better you than me. I have zero will-power. GO M!!

  • OMG – we could start a professional level weight loss crowd where we don’t actually lose weight and keep it off, we just keep sharing it within the group !!!
    I have gone back to WW in an effort to get my head right BUT I’m trying to do the low carb thing too. I KNOW that it’s carbs that are the killer for me but sometimes …. biscuits, lollies, biscuits, coke, biscuits.
    A went to the dr recently and after a bunch of blood tests we are now the proud owners of BP machine and a sugar testing machine – he is high BP, sugar, cholestrol and he’s over weight – the quad-fector !!! Totally ripe for a heart attack or stroke. So we are going to have to do something to get those down so he doesn’t kark it before me !!!
    Have a great evening xox
    PS – hope you managed to get back inside !!!! PMSL

    • OMG carbs kill me. I haven’t given them up, but I did give up all bread and potatoes, pasta and rice. Well, and sugar.

      I did get in! Hahahaha

  • I am glad I am not the only one… stress baking is my forte as well as piling on the pounds and then trying to lose it.
    I bought a dress for my sons wedding in August and I have to fit into it so that kinda helps with the weight loss program.
    Love your list!

    • Thank you! I’m kind of kicking ass right now…but it’s still in the infancy and I know me…so I am not sure how it will turn out. I’m keeping a positive attitude so far.

  • I lost weight recently, using these three methods:

    1. Get an illness where you can’t eat.

    2. Leave your husband.

    3. Fall in love.

    Hey – it worked for me!!

    Adding your list of excuses to my list of excuses… Excellent job!

  • Great!

    Years ago, I spent, well, not sure but it was 3yr commitment to Bally’s and it seems like whatever it was was too much. I’ve suppressed it … think in all a little over $1000 for the 3 years, when I probably at the most used it a dozen times a year if that.

    Not long after my 2nd was born I was walking into a grocery store, & at a table outide the entrance, a salesman tried to get me to listen while he tried to get me to sign up for some gym. Got a serious urge to give him the finger. Thankfully, I resorted to politely stating, “I’m a mom of 2 kids under the age of 4; I’ll never need a gym ever again.”

    Now my kids are older, and they don’t require as much physical, chasing after, picking up, carrying up and down stairs; but the mental anguish they cause, leaves me exhausted just the same.

    I hate running, or jogging, or whatever you wanna call it. I don’t run unless someone’s chasing me, and then it depends on what he looks like.

    Thanks for a few more reasons.

    Have a great day.

  • Holy cow, we’re the same person. AND OMFG I’M BACK. yes

    I’m at the same place, except I’m still in the fuck you, I’m not working out, I just spent four HOURS raking rocks in the garden so *flips bird and sips a margarita*.

    I have cut out so many foods that I’m down to “Here’s what I CAN have” , which is meat, fruit, vegetables. Oh and dairy. And vodka. And sour patch kids and dark chocolate.

    But I canceled my gym membership and put that money wisely into car insurance, because a drive to the liquor store totally counts.

    muah! I’ll try to stay caught up from now on…Instagram sapped my mojo for about six months. πŸ˜€

    Congrats on the no-sugar things, though, omg. *high five*

  • Great list. Too bad I didn’t see it before I went to the gym this morning. Excuse number 5 really works for me though, so I’m using it from now on.

  • I pulled this post up on my phone as I was waiting on my Sausage-Hash Browns-Cheese-Eggs bowl at the Waffle House. They were delicious, and so was your blog.
    Good luck in your weight loss efforts. Took me 10 months to lose 30 pounds. I think I gained five back at The Waffle House.

  • Here’s another reason: When you go hiking after not hiking for many weeks and you try to climb part of a mountain in 90 degree heat – it will make you vomit. You are welcome, little woodland creatures – enjoy the buffet.

  • This is hilarious! and totally relatable! My wife and I go through the same thing at least 3 times in a year when there’s really no getting through the day without that dose of cake.. or carbs.. or even coffee with NOT non-fat milk!

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