Priscilla, Queen of the cubicle is still out on medical leave. I miss my work friend like frozen crazy. Thank the stars for instant message or I’d probably lose my shit.
This morning, we are discussing different types of coworkers and have compiled an impressive list.
For instance, Mr Fecal Fingers. We have a guy at work who is always on his cell phone. Always. According to the guys, when he goes in the bathroom at work, he doesn’t end his call, he just keeps talking while he does his business, then leaves the bathroom without washing his hands. This guy is also Mr Touchy/Feely. He gave me a side hug once and all I wanted to do was burn my clothes and then dip myself in a vat of rubbing alcohol.
Here are 28.5 more. Do you recognize any of these people? Do you have more you could add to the list?
1. The person you can’t sit next to in meetings because you’ll both start giggling like you’re still in grade school. This person usually shares your level of immaturity and is probably the only person you’d save if there was a fire.
2. The person who overdresses for the job. Seriously, there is a girl here who wore a dress the other day that looked like a tea length wedding dress. We work at a construction company.
3. The person who underdresses for the job. Me. Also, I may not always wear a clean shirt to work. Sometimes this is by accident.
4. The woman who thinks she is a model. She has the runway walk and is always camera ready. This is also the woman who matches her eye shadow to her outfit and wears pants tight enough to show her uterus.
5. The Jesus fanatic who works ‘Jesus’ into every single conversation. Whatever you do, don’t walk into her cubicle. You will probably start to smolder.
6. The constant dieter who hasn’t lost a single pound in the five years you’ve worked together. They will also give you nutritional advice, even if you’re in shape.
7. The cryer. I used to work with a woman who cried at least once a week. Sometimes more. Usually because she was telling on someone because they were making too many personal phone calls or they didn’t say good morning to her when she said it to them.
8. The Serial Killer. This person may or may not be a serial killer. They just never say anything and rarely make eye contact. They also probably work in your IT department.
9. The one who laughs at everything. E V E R Y T H I N G. And it’s a really loud laugh.
10. The guy who has been there years longer than you have, yet you’re positive you’ve never seen him before. He also probably works in IT.
11. The perky one. They have a song in their heart and a spring in their step. It’s best to avoid this type until you’ve had copious amounts of caffeine.
12. The one who is more important than you. They have perfected the art of looking down their nose. In reality, they usually just are the administrative assistant to an actual important person.
13. The self-appointed attendance police. You will hear them say phrases like “How many doctor appoints does she need to have in one week”? or “I’m sure he’s used more vacation days than he’s entitled to”.
14. The bully. This is the person who keeps a record of how many people they’ve made cry and they brag about it.
15. The one desperate for attention. If you aren’t looking at him, he’ll draw attention to himself by clapping his hands or singing or jingling his keys. They need tattoos on their foreheads in black, bold letters that says ‘Please look at me’.
16. The guy who comes in every morning and tells you every horrible news story from the night before.
17. The person who always brings in food.
18. The person who always bitches about the person who always brings in food. They are also likely to be the food police who keeps track of every donut you’ve ever eaten.
19. The girl who volunteers for every committee and then bitches that she just doesn’t have enough time to get all her work done.
20. The person who avoids committee to a ridiculous degree. Will go as far as to pretend they’ve forgotten how to speak English. Also me.
21. The person that when you see them walk down the hallway, the Darth Vadar theme starts playing in your head.
22. The person who is incapable of talking in anything other than a whine. They are worse than the perky one and should be avoided at all cost.
23. The grown ass woman who insists on talking ‘baby talk’.
24. The person who gives you a complete rundown about every illness they’ve ever had and every medication they’ve ever taken. It’s a never ending conversation, because they are always sick.
25. The doctor who didn’t go to medical school. Usually your boss who knows how long it takes to recovery from every surgery ever performed and you’re taking off way too much time.
26. The one with the overblown sense of importance. Why just make a phone call when you can make a phone call, send an email and and then overhead page?
27. The girl who always wears really high heels, yet cannot walk in those heels. The girl with haunted leg syndrome.
28. The one upper. No matter how great your vacation was, theirs was better. No matter how sick you were, they were sicker.
28.5. If the one upper can’t top your story, then they are related to or know of someone whose situation was 10 times better or worse than yours.
There you have it. Mine and Priscilla’s list of coworkers. If you don’t have your very own Priscilla, I suggest getting yourself one. They really make rotting in a soulless cubicle easier to take.
I really have to give partial writing credit to Priscilla on this post. She came up with the funny ones.