Mr Fecal Fingers And 28.5 Other Types Of Coworkers

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Priscilla, Queen of the cubicle is still out on medical leave. I miss my work friend like frozen crazy. Thank the stars for instant message or I’d probably lose my shit.

This morning, we are discussing different types of coworkers and have compiled an impressive list.

For instance, Mr Fecal Fingers. We have a guy at work who is always on his cell phone. Always. According to the guys, when he goes in the bathroom at work, he doesn’t end his call, he just keeps talking while he does his business, then leaves the bathroom without washing his hands. This guy is also Mr Touchy/Feely. He gave me a side hug once and all I wanted to do was burn my clothes and then dip myself in a vat of rubbing alcohol.

Here are 28.5 more. Do you recognize any of these people? Do you have more you could add to the list?

1. The person you can’t sit next to in meetings because you’ll both start giggling like you’re still in grade school. This person usually shares your level of immaturity and is probably the only person you’d save if there was a fire.

2. The person who overdresses for the job. Seriously, there is a girl here who wore a dress the other day that looked like a tea length wedding dress. We work at a construction company.

3. The person who underdresses for the job. Me. Also, I may not always wear a clean shirt to work. Sometimes this is by accident.

4. The woman who thinks she is a model. She has the runway walk and is always camera ready. This is also the woman who matches her eye shadow to her outfit and wears pants tight enough to show her uterus.

5. The Jesus fanatic who works ‘Jesus’ into every single conversation. Whatever you do, don’t walk into her cubicle. You will probably start to smolder.

6. The constant dieter who hasn’t lost a single pound in the five years you’ve worked together. They will also give you nutritional advice, even if you’re in shape.

7. The cryer. I used to work with a woman who cried atย leastย once a week. Sometimes more. Usually because she was telling on someone because they were making too many personal phone calls or they didn’t say good morning to her when she said it to them.

8. The Serial Killer. This person may or may not be a serial killer. They just never say anything and rarely make eye contact. They also probably work in your IT department.

9. The one who laughs at everything. E V E R Y T H I N G. And it’s a really loud laugh.

10. The guy who has been there years longer than you have, yet you’re positive you’ve never seen him before. He also probably works in IT.

11. The perky one. They have a song in their heart and a spring in their step. It’s best to avoid this type until you’ve had copious amounts of caffeine.

12. The one who is more important than you. They have perfected the art of looking down their nose. In reality, they usually just are the administrative assistant to an actual important person.

13. The self-appointed attendance police. You will hear them say phrases like “How many doctor appoints does she need to have in one week”? or “I’m sure he’s used more vacation days than he’s entitled to”.

14. The bully. This is the person who keeps a record of how many people they’ve made cry and they brag about it.

15. The one desperate for attention. If you aren’t looking at him, he’ll draw attention to himself by clapping his hands or singing or jingling his keys. They need tattoos on their foreheads in black, bold letters that says ‘Please look at me’.

16. The guy who comes in every morning and tells you every horrible news story from the night before.

17. The person who always brings in food.

18. The person who always bitches about the person who always brings in food. They are also likely to be the food police who keeps track of every donut you’ve ever eaten.

19. The girl who volunteers for every committee and then bitches that she just doesn’t have enough time to get all her work done.

20. The person who avoids committee to a ridiculous degree. Will go as far as to pretend they’ve forgotten how to speak English. Also me.

21. The person that when you see them walk down the hallway, the Darth Vadar theme starts playing in your head.

22. The person who is incapable of talking in anything other than a whine. They are worse than the perky one and should be avoided at all cost.

23. The grown ass woman who insists on talking ‘baby talk’.

24. The person who gives you a complete rundown about every illness they’ve ever had and every medication they’ve ever taken. It’s a never ending conversation, because they are always sick.

25. The doctor who didn’t go to medical school. Usually your boss who knows how long it takes to recovery from every surgery ever performed and you’re taking off way too much time.

26. The one with the overblown sense of importance. Why just make a phone call when you can make a phone call, send an email and and then overhead page?

27. The girl who always wears really high heels, yet cannot walk in those heels. The girl with haunted leg syndrome.

28. The one upper. No matter how great your vacation was, theirs was better. No matter how sick you were, they were sicker.

28.5. If the one upper can’t top your story, then they are related to or know of someone whose situation was 10 times better or worse than yours.

There you have it. Mine and Priscilla’s list of coworkers. If you don’t have your very own Priscilla, I suggest getting yourself one. They really make rotting in a soulless cubicle easier to take.

I really have to give partial writing credit to Priscilla on this post. She came up with the funny ones.

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      • I worked in an office that played the Company Song every morning at 0900.

        It got to the point where I inflated my paper bagel bag, under my desk, and at the
        final note, would smack it and all 3,499 fellow drones could hear it.

        But did one person laugh?

        Not while Josef Stalin is watching on the spy monitor.

        One day, he fired 1199 people.

        The next year, to the day, he fired 1400 more.

        “Boom.” Goodbye. “Don’t let the door hit you in the ass
        on your way out.”

        At night, the Japanese dudes who worked late had to put on their
        hachi-maki headbands with a giant meatball and kanji script saying things
        like “I suck bigtime,” or, ” No. 1 Asshole.”

        Don’t ever go to another Oriental restaurant if you know what’s good
        for you.

        They Hate Us. Even with that cheerful smile, I know what’s lurking:
        Poison Mind-Evil Jiu-Jitsu with razor sharp mental edges. The Orientals
        Visiting just love to picture us gaijin sliced up like a Tuna Roll.

        Or just go about your business like nothing was ever said.

        Bon chance.

  • There are a couple at my office that are probably just extensions of some of yours:

    – talks to grandbaby on cell phone multiple times a day, even though grandbaby is only three months old and doesn’t say much, the conversation lasts fifteen minutes.

    – loudly discusses everything on the local TV news web page with others nearby. Repeatedly.

    – leaves cell phone on loudest ring setting and forgets to take it with them when they go to training for six hours, gets lots of calls from the grandbaby.

  • I didn’t think it was possible for me to feel better about still waiting tables on occasion at my age but you have done it and I thank you. At least I can openly drink on the job while you probably have to hide your booze in your desk – you poor thing…

  • Hahahahaha! I once had a co-worker take me aside and tell me he saw Sheldon leave the stall and walk out without washing his hands. I told him, “Sheldon only goes in there to read comic books. He NEVER poops away from home.”
    .
    True story. He WAS reading in the stall!
    .

  • Michelle,

    You never fail to make me laugh — and think. Right now, I’m thinking two things:
    1. I’m glad I work from home. No one can judge me for my love of purple here. ๐Ÿ™‚
    2. I’m going to write a blog about my co-workers and link to this one.

    Thanks for the laughs,
    Lisa

  • I do not want a 9 to 5, I do not want a 9 to 5, I do not want a 9 to 5 (repeat till the end of time or forever whichever is longer)

  • Oh, these are so spot on!! I’ve worked with or known all of them. Hey. Maybe we work together, and we just haven’t run into each other yet, lol…

    These make endlessly me glad I work from home! Like right now–I’m printing 1000 brochures at 10:15 a.m. WHILE SITTING AT MY DESK IN MY BATHROBE.

    Which made me think of another type for the list:

    The One who always says “When I ran my OWN business, we always/never did it THIS way”.

    Tell Priscilla we all want to buy you guys lunch.

    • I am so jealous…and I’m sure Priscilla would be all in for lunch..although, the last time we went to lunch together, she drove and nearly killed us. So you drive.

      • I’d drive, but I sold my beloved BMW X5 a year and a half ago, and I have been sharing a 1990 Celica with my 18 year old for 18 MONTHS.

        18 FREAKING MONTHS WITH NO FREAKING CAR. (ALSO THE WORD I WANT TO USE THERE DOES NOT SOUND LIKE FREAK)

        You haven’t lived until you’ve gone from ordering new BMWs from Germany, to driving a car with no A/C, dents on every corner, and duct tape on the antenna.

        When I get a car again, you guys are totally on, though.

  • This list is genius. Your posts are always genius.

    I wish I could wear pants tight enough to show my uterus. But my uterus is hidden under need a copious layer of fat. It’s like Eskimo season up in here.

  • I’ve definitely known all of these and currently work with at least 50% of them.

    I think I might be #9. I am cheerful/giggly at work because otherwise, I might kill EVERYONE. Sometimes I even annoy myself, I think. And in at least one pair of Aldo shoes I own, I’m #27. I’m always almost falling over in them. But they’re cheetah colored and I love them.

  • I used to work with constant dieters. In many cases, these are the people who insist that a cream cheese filled frosted muffin is a healthy breakfast.

    One of my nemeses was the woman who said this, seriously, “I grounded my fucking son because he used the word ‘friggen’ last night. I have no fucking idea where he gets that language from. God damn kid ain’t gonna do shit for the whole fucking summer if he keeps this shit up.”

    I’ve dubber her “The World’s Greatest Mother”.

  • I’m not sure if I’m any of those but I’d love to disguise myself as a local delivery guy or something so I could come in and observe…not for real anthropological/sociological reasons or anything, just so I could mutter Marlin Perkins style observances under my breath “and here we see the attendance officer circling the water cooler upon sight of the type 24 cubicle dweller or ‘hypochondriac’ to inform them of the recent updates to sick day policies. Who will win this battle of occupational dominance, will the policy hawk be victorious or will type 24’s phlegm defense be sufficient to deflect accusations? Let’s watch…”

  • lol – made me laugh and stopped me from going back to work to poke a hot stick in someone’s eye like I was thinking about. Hooray! You saved someone’s eye today!

  • “They probably work in your IT department” OMG…I AM DYING!! You are so right! Are you sure we don’t work in the same place because I know a LOT of these people!! I bow down to you and Priscilla! I laughed so hard my husband came over to see what I was reading…and then HE started cackling, too! ๐Ÿ˜€ –Lisa

  • This was awesome! I needed the laugh and can definitely relate to many of these! Thankfully, I have my own “Priscilla” here in my cubicle hell.

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