37 Questions To Ask Yourself, If You Are Me

If you were me, then there are certain questions you should be asking yourself. Important questions that should be pondered, weighted, and considered. Questions like “Why am I in Michelle’s head asking questions?” or “When is she going to run out of blog post ideas? Isn’t this getting ridiculous?”

Anyway, if you find a secret door, like the one in Being John Malkovich, but the door leads to my brain and not John Malkovich’s brain, then here are the questions you should ask yourself:

  1. Will I ever be able to eat a salad without getting salad in my hair? Probably not, but you keep trying. You never know. 
  2. Why won’t I learn how to use goddamn Scrivener and work on my stupid book idea?
  3. If I chop jalapenos for chili, how many times will I rub my eyes before remembering that eye rubbing equals “face on fire” level pain? The answer is three. Three times. 
  4. Will I believe Randy when he says washing my hands in Dawn will remove all jalapeno oil from my hands? Yes. 
  5. Will I test Randy’s theory by rubbing my eyes immediately after washing my hands with Dawn? Yes.
  6. Did Dawn dish washing liquid effectively remove jalapeno oil from my hands? No. 
  7. Could I at least try not mourning on a Sunday night? I don’t know. Maybe, Monday won’t suck. Yes. It. Will. 
  8. Wonder what Adam Ant is doing right this second?
  9. Will I actually allow myself get drawn into a “bean water” versus “bean goo” debate?
  10. Am I surprised that the answer to question 9 is “yes”?
  11. How can I possibly convince another human that water, by very nature, is splashy and not goopy? That’s like saying turkey gravy and water are the same thing and you tell me how happy people will be at Thanksgiving if you dump water on their potatoes. 
  12. Wouldn’t one consider a person who continues to insist that canned beans are in water and not goo to be willfully ignorant?
  13. I mean, really, isn’t that some “alternate fact” shit right there?
  14. Or am I taking this “bean goo” thing too far?
  15. Will good win over evil? Please oh please oh please oh please
  16. If someone at work asks me what I made for dinner last night and I say “chicken kiev” am I obligated to disclose that the chicken kiev was prepackaged grocery store brand chicken kiev? I did have to bake it, so there’s that. 
  17. If I could time travel, would I use it for reasons other than stopping myself from burning my forehead all those times with a curling iron?
  18. Should I be afraid of the increase in the number of times a certain word escapes me? Honestly, that isn’t as troubling as the number of times I am asking myself “Did I take a shower already? I showered, right?”
  19. Why did anyone think purple ketchup was a good idea?
  20. Shouldn’t there be an international “Alan Rickman” day?
  21. Do I have an outfit to wear to work tomorrow?
  22. Do I think it’s a good idea to put that outfit thing off until 5 minutes before I have to walk out the door?
  23. You’re going to wait until 5 minutes before you have to walk out the door, aren’t you?
  24. Do I even remember what my dreams are? Not the scary green water dream. Dreams about what I want to be when I grow up. 
  25. Did I remember to clean out the litter box?
  26. Can I try to make it through work tomorrow without breaking out in flop sweat even once?
  27. Can I try to even think about work without flop sweat?
  28. Can I try to be a little more patient with the other humans tomorrow?
  29. Have I considered getting through one whole day without rolling my eyes? Although, I’m kind of afraid that will fuck with the tides. 
  30. Am I avoiding going back to the eye doctor because I enjoy not seeing anything?
  31. When was the last time I had a massage?
  32. Isn’t it time to get a massage? Either that or I should give the knots in my neck names. Billie Jo says hi. 
  33. Why would I name a knot in my neck “Billie Jo” ?
  34. Why not “Ola” or “Brunhilda”?
  35. Aren’t those names more suited for neck knots?
  36. You know this is why people call you weird, right?
  37. How many more years before I can just stop shaving my legs?

If I am honest, the only thing you should ask yourself if you find yourself in my head is this: Can what you are doing right now cut you or burn you? If the answer is yes, then just walk away, man. Just walk away.

Photo courtesy of Andrew Martin




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  • Coating your hands with oil before you start handling jalapenos is crazy messy but works pretty well to prevent the the painful hotness from sticking to your fingers.

    I’d vote for Alan Rickman Day.

  • I love that you still care about these thoughts! So what if the cat will looks at you and wonders why you are rummaging around her litter box again!

  • Loved these- and I avoid going back to the eye doc because I know I need new glasses because I cannot read a damn thing without them. Thanks for the humor

  • I would be terrified to be in your brain! Hell, I’m terrified being inside of my own! It’s my turn to head to the mountains this weekend! Bring on the booze!

  • I heart you, Rubber Shoes! I envy your list in numerical order. Mine tends to go 1, 2, 3, 4, 7, 9, 5, 2, 6, 21, 13…
    Math is hard.

    • Hahahhahaha..omg..I am rarely coherent. I just have to look up and grab whatever thought comes to mind, or talk about what had actually JUST happened. (Bean goo and jalapeno/eye tragedy)

  • I’ve done my level best (I’m pretty tippy so, ummm, “level” is relative) to answer most of your questions in my latest post. Just FYI and I’m trying to be a good helpful doobie and shit.

  • Anyone else rocking out to Goody Two Shoes in their head now on a loop tape? No, just me? That’s cool…..it’s usually just me and the committee in my head anyway. 🙂

  • Yes!
    It’s so good (for me, probably not so much for you) to find the other people whose brain thought patterns mimic my own.
    I say ‘mimic’ because the Bean water-Bean goo debate should have NEVER been debated. Something about ‘bean goo running down your face is much harder to wash off than bean water’ would have ended that discussion quickly….
    “Here, let me demonstrate” would have come out of my mouth after my brain sparked and threw out some smoke 😀
    I want a USB port installed so I can just download all the accumulated crap from the day, at night, and then upload the selected needed thoughts for the new day, first thing in the morning, along with my outfit.
    I changed 3 times before work Saturday and I’m still not happy with what I wore.
    Thanks for a quick schematic mapping of your mind… much easier to navigate.
    Gotta watch out for the empty spaces in my brain that swallow me like a black hole when I’m not careful 😉
    Not sure they can be mapped…
    And, Nbratscott has a point… lots of good reading will come from this 😀

  • Adam Ant is probably preparing for his May tour of the UK, and don’t even get me started on eyes and peppers. When I worked at the Buttercup, they had me cut up a pound of Habaneros to make the hot chutney with once, and I wore those disposable, plastic gloves while I did it. Then I worked the line for six more hours, went home, showered, took out my contact lenses, and went to bed.
    The next day, when I put my contacts back in, I thought that I had accidentally set my eyeballs on fire. Then it dawned on me what must have happened, and I cleaned them with the little enzyme pills they used, and a half of a bottle of “daily cleaner” and they were only like boiling oil. I really hated having to work in my (old decrepit) glasses, and three days of cleaning didn’t put the eyeball-fire out, so I gave up and replaced the contacts. The whole of the three days my bosses kept looking at my eyes, and I had to keep telling them that no, I didn’t just smoke a giant joint before work, and please can I get out of chutney making for the foreseeable future…
    P.S. Good does win over evil, or none of us would be here.

    • Oh man..that sounds painful. My sisters and I saw Adam Ant 2 years ago (maybe 3, the years are running together) and it was SO MUCH FUN. I would see him again.

      Your “P.S.” is my favorite thing today.

  • From your head to mine:

    “Why would she name a knot Billie Jo? Betty Jo was the most interesting Bradley sister until she fell in love with that loser who dated all three sisters and how gross is that, and they took away all of her interesting characteristics so she could be ‘just another girly girl, not woman, like it was 1950s though it was the late 60s by then? But then again now that I’ve seen the first two seasons of Petticoat Junction with all 3 original Bradley sister actresses, I have to admit, Billie Jo as played by the 1st actress was actually kind of likeable. How much shame will be heaped upon me from admitting I watch Petticoat Junction? Maybe I should have stated she should name the knot Marcia. Or Jan. Not Cindy though. Oh, the Brady Bunch isn’t cool either. Well damn.”

    And that is how my head works 🙂 See we all have stuff in there.

  • If someone tells you the bean goo is water and not goo then you tell them to drink it.
    I wish the answers to all the other questions were this easy. Well, the answers to most of them are this easy.
    For instance, the answer to #20 is “WHY THE FUCK IS THERE NOT AN ALAN RICKMAN DAY ALREADY?”
    That may not be the right answer, though, since Miss Manners says, “If you answer a question with a question I WILL CUT YOU.”

  • A few years back, my husband was in the middle of making salsa and had to pee. Before he did, he washed his hands thoroughly (or so he thought). After he was done going, he went back in to the kitchen. Then the sensation started to take effect. He rushed frantically back into the bathroom, turned on the shower, and jumped in. I was sitting in the living room, innocently watching him go back and forth, then heard the shower go on. I don’t recall how long it took for the burning to go away, but he was quite startled by the whole thing. It wasn’t funny at the time, but in retrospect, yes. He actually tells the story as a cautionary tale. He calls it “great balls of fire.”

  • Now. You can stop shaving your legs now. Who gives a fuck? Youre married, and you have a job. If some one asks at work, why arent you shaving your legs you ask, why are you staring at my legs? I feel harrased by that. And it will never come up again.

    • Hahaha..I really mostly did. Unless I am getting a pedicure or going for a pap smear or wearing a dress to someone’s wedding. And for Randy’s birthday.

      • After menopause. Hair stops growing below the waist and starts growing on the face. Crone chin hairs! Oorah.

  • Ah, Michelle. Thanks for being a glimmer of sanity in my insane world. I need the laughter. You are doing a public service (but I hope you’re getting paid better than a typical public servant is these days).

  • Another list of questions. And I’m tempted to answer them but some idiot decided that we should change the clocks this week. And sleep. (And the curling iron thing would only distract past Michelle and make burning yourself more likely because physics.)

  • Hi Michelle, a fascinating insight into your random thoughts, if ever you tire of your own, I’ll lend you my head space- yes, head swap, like wife swap. It could be a thing.
    And that jalapeno oil thing- would it stop nose pickers? Just a thought…..

    • I would be down for a swap, I’m sure it would be trippy for both of us. Also, the nose picking thing..it COULD work, but it could also turn into a weird fetish. I wouldn’t risk it.

By Michelle


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