40 Essential Tips Every Cubicle Dweller Needs

We cubicle dwellers have our own subculture. We are among the working class who don’t get to go outside or blow shit up. We don’t save lives or use a paint brush or have an office with a door that you can close.

We can identify each other by the hollow looks in our eyes and the standard defeated shoulder slump.

I am here to help you, my cubicle dwelling brothers and sisters.

Okay, this post is grouped into two sets of 20 tips. The first set of tips are excuses for not going to work.

The best tip I can give you as a cubicle dweller is to spend as little time as possible in your cube.

Use all your allotted sick days. Don’t waste them. ‘Sick’ is so vague. Who is to say what the real definition of ‘sick’ is? Don’t be pulling out your fancy dictionaries or anything. I say it’s up to the individual to define ‘sick’.  Also, if you are one of those people who just can’t seem to find the time to use ALL your vacation days, then I think there might be no hope for you.

I never have a problem using all my vacation days.

Here are 20 reasons to completely avoid going into work for the day.

1. Don’t turn down any offered surgeries. We don’t need ALL of our organs. If one is acting up, then get rid of it. Sure, it’s painful, but being home on painkillers is better than being in your cubicle with your unnecessary organs.

2. If you’re female and you have a male boss, call in and toss around the words ovaries and fallopian tube. They’ll beg you to stay home.

3. Opening day for hay fever. No way can you work on opening day for hay fever. This day can be of your choosing. There is no way to determine what day the pollen will get you. Probably shouldn’t try this in the Winter months, though.

4. No clean underwear. You can’t go in without clean underwear. What if you get in a car wreck? You should disguise this reason as ‘migraine’.

5. You can’t be expected to work when your baseboards are so filthy. Also, my baseboards are filthy, so when you’re done with yours….

6. You have to take your cat to the vet. Don’t have a cat? Borrow a neighbors. Or find a feral one in your neighborhood. Bonus if that feral cat scratches you up, because..

7. Can’t come in because a feral cat scratched you up.

8. Join all the religions and observe their holidays. You might want to consider making up your own religion so you can create new holidays.

9. Car is making a funny sound, so you can’t risk driving in. The funny sound can be your favorite comedian playing on your car stereo.

10. It’s Robert Downey Jr’s birthday. You keep that day sacred.

11. Had a self-pedicure disaster and have to see a professional.

12. You need a day to categorize all the ways you feel you’ve failed as a parent.

13. You need a day to recover from the overwhelming guilt you feel after categorizing all the ways you feel you have failed as a parent.

14. Your mother called first thing in the morning. Those phone calls take a while.

15. You realize you’re the only person on the planet who hasn’t watched Breaking Bad and you have to start your Breaking Bad marathon on a Monday, because all new habits have to start on a Monday. That’s like a rule.

16. Your neighbors are drunk and fighting outside at 7:00 am. No WAY are you missing that shit.

17. You are drunk and fighting outside with your husband at 7:00 am.

18. The ‘no bourbon on Sunday’ rule got broken.

19. You can’t live another day without matching up all the goddamn socks. There are three different baskets of them for fuck’s sake.

20. You know the guy in the next cube is going to start the day by saying ‘Top o the morning, to you’ in a fake Irish brogue. You can’t hear that again or you might commit murder.

Actually, I would use boss/employee shorthand and just call most of these ‘migraine’.

If you ignore the first rule of cubicle club, which is ‘don’t fucking go to work’, then you’re going to need reasons to avoid doing actual work while you are there.

Here are 20 tips for avoiding actual work while you are at work.

1. Judy in accounting asked for a spreadsheet with revenue for June, then after you did it, said she really needed May. You can’t deal with this shit. You have to wander the halls and very indignantly tell every other person in the building what a twat Judy is.

2. Twitter. There is no better way to avoid work than Twitter.

3. Hang out in stall # 4 and play Scramble on your phone. Make vague excuses about bad Mexican food as your reason for being in the bathroom for half the morning.

4. Argue with someone over the ‘right’ way to do a project, even if their idea is sound.

5. Stand front of the communal fridge and move things around while muttering about how no one ever cleans their shit out of the fridge.

6. Volunteer for committee meetings, then go get coffee instead of attending the meetings. Claim you were too busy to attend.

7. Ask the boss about his golf game. Sure, you will have to watch his stupid lips flapping, but at least you aren’t working.

8. Go in search of just the right pain reliever after listening the office drama queen overhead page someone for the 100th time in one day.

9. Make multiple trips to the supply room because you never know when you might find a box of tissues in a pink box. You like the pink box. Also, check to see if they restocked the batteries. Batteries are expensive, except for when they are free.

10. Make a vague comment about hearing that they aren’t giving any raises. Again. This is known as ‘rattling cages’. The natives will be loud and angry for at least an hour after that.

11. Go to HR and ask for a detailed explanation of the health insurance benefits. Ask a lot of pointless questions.

12. Write a diatribe about the abysmal choices in the vending machines.

13. Walk briskly throughout the building carrying a report and talking to yourself. This is a good way to get exercise and get paid for it.

14. Write a blog post.

15. Get your very own Priscilla, Queen of the cubicle so that you have someone to instant message with all day. Bonus, your clicking keyboard will sound like you are hard at work.

16. Go online and research buying your own island.

17. Spend an hour cleaning and dusting your cubicle. It’s a mess. Then do mine. Mine is just embarrassing.

18. Think of ways to maim the douche twizzle in accounting who not only asks for you to work on projects for him, but finds ways to insult you in the process.

19. Practice your ‘do not talk to me’ face in the bathroom mirror.

20. Google the distance between your cubicle and the beach. All the beaches. In the whole world.

Now, give me some new ways to waste time. I’m running out and I have to do this for the rest of my life.

 

53 Thoughts.

  1. 19. You can’t live another day without matching up all the goddamn socks. There are three different baskets of them for fuck’s sake.

    This is causing me stress right now. I also have 3 baskets sitting in my bedroom. I have been known to actually buy more socks rather than face them.

  2. Don’t forget the “face plant power nap” with optional drool. This can be used for staying home or shucking work. It’s 4:25pm and I just woke up from one to…check my email, read your post and now go stalk you on twitter – yeah!

      • I’m just like you, Michelle (but we already know we’re soul sisters)! Once I’m awake — I’m awake. If I take a nap, there is seriously something wrong with me. I’d love to be ABLE to take naps — they seem like a seriously restorative thing — but I just can’t. I have a love/hate relationship with sleep in general — I know I need more, but I have trouble sleeping for more than 4-5 hours at a time — and I hate that I actually NEED sleep. I would get so much more accomplished if I didn’t!

  3. I haven’t worked in an office since like 1995, but I remember my favorite one being “I need to get something out of my car,” then lock the keys IN the car.

    Another great one was to back said car out of parking space and INTO another car. THAT always got me some time away from that doctor’s office front desk for a bit. 😀

    But…unnecessary organs?…bwahaha! That’s perfect!

    • That is some dedication…a car accident!

      I would be lying if I said I NEVER thought about getting in a car accident that didn’t do any REAL physical damage, but kept me out of work for a month or two.

      • Ooh, a month or two would be great. (Maybe that’s where you could call upon the unneeded organs? lol)

        All I got was a bent bumper, a chewing-out, and like an extra hour for lunch…

  4. Your last suggestion reminds me of Mojo Nixon: Hello boss? I’m sick. I’M SICK OF WORKING FOR YOU AND I’M GOING TO A PARTY AT THE BEACH, DO YOU HEAR ME?!!!
    At my last warehouse job, for a while when I would get really sick of pulling orders (and knew that the rest of the crew could deal with them on time) I used to bail and do maintenance on the warehouse equipment.
    I felt vaguely guilty about this while I was doing it until one day my boss walked up behind me while I had a hand-truck in the vise and was cleaning up the leading edge of the blade with a file. He asked me if he could use that hand-truck when I was finished with it, and after that it was up to me to make sure all of the hand-trucks and pallet jacks worked properly. Oh well, overtime is overtime.

  5. This is a true story:
    .
    I once had a boss who was a hypochondriac. One day he was a bit late to work (unusual for him) and I bet the gal sitting closest to me I could get him to leave for the day before noon. She bet me lunch I couldn’t.
    .
    When he walked past me I said hello then said, “Are you all right?” He said, “Why?” I said, “Well, you just look pale to me.”
    .
    I would pop my head in his office to ask him a question then say, “Are you sure you’re feeling all right?”
    .
    He went home sick before 11 am.
    .
    If your boss is a hypochondriac use that shit to your advantage!
    .
    P.S. Folding socks is the devil’s work. Fuck that shit.
    .

  6. Omg! Girl, these are a hoot!

    Especially section 2, #11. Our HR people already give our department a hard time, so I think I shall return the favor by doing this! Muwahahahaha! You are freaking GENIUS, woman! Genius, I sat!

  7. This was great. I hope I can remember all my comments.
    1. I love it, I’m sure I have lots of unnecessary organs.
    2. In regards to Stef ^^ I once backed a rental car into the BUILDING where I worked. That took a lot of time out of my day. It was brilliant and I didn’t even know it.
    3. I have worked from home for the last 7 years. Yesterday was my first day of training for a one day a week office job. I had a migraine. (REALLY.)
    4. Today was my second day of training. I learned that the office is next door to a cabinet shop and they share an air conditioning system. So migraine.
    5. Then I learned that they do not have a bathroom, but expect my half-crippled-now-with-a-migraine-high-on-lacquer ass to walk three buildings down to a gas station in which the women’s restroom is perpetually out of order and use the men’s restroom every time I have to pee which is approximately every 12 minutes.
    6. I quit. On my first day.
    7. I don’t remember where I was going with this. Oh, SOCKS! Me too.

    • OK, Steph — I hate you a tiny bit right now. I would give my right boob to work from home (it’s freakishly small compared to my left boob — so I probably wouldn’t miss it all that much!) Once upon a time, I worked from home as a mystery shopper and an editor of mystery shopping reports — but the work was sporadic and, of course, there were no benefits. When the company Doc worked for went bankrupt, I had to find a “real” job — and when he then found a dream job that allowed him to work from home, I was so jealous, I practically started plotting his demise!

  8. I don’t understand people who don’t take their vacation time. Well, I didn’t take much of mine until after my divorce. This company doesn’t roll time over, so you can bet I’m taking every day I can.

    My favorite way to avoid work? Ask the car guy sitting next to me what should be my next car. That’s good for an hour. 🙂

  9. I’m surprised you didn’t mention “Create eBay/Tradesy listings to supplement the measly income you earn at -insert crappy job here-” on your list of ways to avoid actually working. Or, “Post comments on favorite, hilarious blog” 😉

  10. Glorious!

    I have, in fact, gone to HR to kill some time on more than one occasion. She is very nice and we often get into lengthy conversations. I can kill a solid 20-30 minutes talking to her, and if anyone asks where I’ve been, “I’ve been talking to HR” is a legit excuse.

  11. I’m not a cubicle dweller but #2 can be used for multiple purposes. Now that I’m “peri-menopausal” (not really but it’s a great excuse) I’m can be moody as all get out and the words “I’m hot, is anyone else feeling hot” is a great code for please leave me alone.

  12. To Do List:
    1. Get cubicle. Preferably at a job where they’re actually paying me to be there. They seemed a bit miffed when I kept showing up at that office that one time expecting to be paid. What can I say? Can’t resist a good spreadsheet.

    2. Memorize this list. In case of sick day, upcoming Prince concert, or the need to eat Nutella in bed. With a spoon.

  13. Facebook is huge for me. Also telling your boss your kids have lice, and you’re not sure but now you MIGHT have them too is a sure way to get almost a week out of the office. You have to treat, wait 7 days, then re-treat. My boss doesn’t want me to come in when my kids get lice even if I know I don’t have them too. She says it makes her head itch just thinking about it. So I stay home for a day or so when that happens (and since I live in a place inhabited by irritating hipsters who keep fucking chickens and refuse to use actual effective lice treatment on their precious babies, it happens about once a year).

  14. This is the BEST: 2. If you’re female and you have a male boss, call in and toss around the words ovaries and fallopian tube. They’ll beg you to stay home.

    Maybe start the call with a couple of symptoms. Talk about LALALALALA

  15. Did that for a few years and just about went crazy! I left you a comment last night about being from KY. I’m in WML group also. I’m at The Diary of an Alzheimer’s Caregiver and Million Mile Blog. I was just visiting in Grant County last weekend for a wedding. Very small world!

    • It really is a small world! I’ve read your stuff in both places!!

      Grant county..wow..not my favorite place. I don’t have good memories from there at all. I grew up in Covington and that part of KY is where I feel most at home.

  16. If you lay (lie?) on the bed with your head hanging upside down over the edge and make a phone call you’ll sound really really congested.

    Also bringing a large box of donuts is always a great way to avoid being in trouble when you come in late. Again.

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